I wasn’t expecting my friend to call me up. Pretty much out of the blue. She basically just chewed me out for being an idiot, which I deserved. Part of the way through I started crying. I wasn’t aware how badly I hurt her and it just really got to me. There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be talking to her anymore. If I made her feel this badly do I even deserve to be her friend?
Spurred on by this feeling, I guess, I felt the urge to write. I don’t know why it just felt like I needed to do something constructive. I mean there’s honestly not much you can do after you realized that you hurt someone really badly. In my case I guess I just felt like channeling those emotions elsewhere. I still feel bad but now I’ve put some words onto paper (metaphorically speaking) so now my emotions are there in an effort to move on with the day. I would like to reconcile with her but… well I guess I already explained why I’m having second thoughts about that, among other reasons I don’t feel like talking about.
And of course there’s the future. That nebulous idea that’s always just out of reach. The weird thing I just realized about the future is we can never get there. As soon as we get there then its become the present and our memory of the time is the past. I was watching a video earlier from someone I’ve subscribed to on YouTube. It was one of those nerd deep dives where “Was this secretly deeper than you thought?” from a channel called Renegade Cut. I won’t spoil it, because its actually a pretty decent video and you should watch it, but it was about that old live action He-Man movie with Dolph Lundgren. There was a lot of talk about the future that kind of spoke to me in a weird way, made me think about stuff I wasn’t really wanting to think about. I guess in the same way I’m wondering about being a writer and also about this person who’s really special to me. If I should reach for this goal or will it forever be unreachable like the future as a nebulous concept.
First off I just want to say thank you. Its been two months since I’ve started this blog. I don’t have a lot but to the ones I do have I just want to offer my sincere thanks. This blog has been so helpful for me in so many ways. The idea that anyone came here to read this stuff is beyond me and the fact that I have a bunch of followers is really awesome. Its been a major boost for me and I just wanted to express my deep thanks for being with me for so long. I still want to do a lot with this blog in the coming future so stay tuned for that.
Today I tried a bit. Wrote a little bit but it wasn’t really coming to me. Instead of just giving up and I gave it a bit more effort. Did some research, rewrote stuff. Unfortunately I didn’t get much work done at all but I can at least say I gave it my best shot. I personally believe its important to accept when you can’t do something but also congratulate effort and trying. I’m guessing that I just need to get back into the swing of things by continuing to force myself to work. In any case, I’ll keep trying.
Today was somewhat pleasant, actually. There was this bit in the morning where I had to help my mom get my stubborn dad into the car which took some effort and time but that was it. For the rest of the day I felt okay and then later my mom brought some vegetable curry to me. I can’t remember the last time I had curry so that was a really nice surprise. I had plenty of free time and never really felt forced to do anything. Pretty decent, all things considered.
I’ve been thinking about exercising again. Biggest problem is I just don’t have the drive to do it, but if its like writing then my guess is if I just work at it enough and frequently I could get the desire to just do it. I’m kind of… big so its less about an overweight problem. More to do with health and just making myself look better. I kind of want to do some yoga but I can’t find any real good tutorials for beginners. That being said I can’t remember the last time I looked up any guides so maybe tomorrow I’ll look up some on YouTube. I think yoga would be best for me since I don’t really want to have immense muscles or anything like that rather just tone up some areas and be generally more healthy.
Had two nice talks with both of my friends. Both were really nice, supportive and I really like them a lot. Sorry, just gushing about them. One friend was talking to me about potential money ideas. Some interesting things I could do on YouTube and potentially gain a following. Think I might try to capitalize on that when I have time.
I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to have a nice support net. Sure I have my parents and bits of family here and there, but there’s a different feeling when you’ve created a bond with a complete stranger and they care about you that can’t be beat. My family is there for me but I can’t shake the feeling that its mostly out of obligation. But these people? I had to work to earn their love and trust. I don’t know, I just kind of like that feeling.
I don’t think I capitalize on my talents which is something I should change. I used to be a naturally talented artist back when I was a teenager. I dropped it because I didn’t think I could do much of anything with it. Now I feel kind of dumb seeing as how my personal Twitter is dedicated to following really great artists. Might pick it up again in the near future.
I think I’ve been harping on about how little I can do as opposed to what I can. I’m pretty lucky, I can admit that. I don’t have anything extremely wrong with me, I have some decent talents that could take me farther, my family is kind of in the picture. Maybe it took a depressive episode for me to understand how much I truly have. Ideally I wouldn’t sink so deep just to feel better but I’ll take all the good stuff I can.