Currently – 10/5/19 (Fitness, Lonely, Writing)

I decided against going on a fast today and I think I’ll push that into tomorrow as well. Not really any particular reason, if I’m being honest. Just… not going to do it. As a consolation I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier in the meantime so its not a complete waste. Also my core feels a little better so I think I’ll do some sit ups later tonight, if I can remember. Last time I really pushed myself to go a lot further. I did a… small number of sit ups until I started to feel pain but I pushed through it and almost tripled the number so I’ll probably not do that.

I was considering contacting someone today as I was feeling pretty lonely. I decided against it for no real reason at all other than maybe laziness or not wanting to try and contact someone but having them shut me down or, worse, ignore me. It just really sucks that I can’t get that little bit of socialization, even if its just for a few minutes or just checking in to see how they’ve been doing. I can’t help but feel like I’m purposefully being ignored like I’m not anyone’s first choice to talk to. Is it my fault?

In less depressing news I’ve started yet another book idea. I just really want to finish one of these things. I was looking online and saw some symptoms of ADHD and it just kind of clicked in me. Maybe I have it and its the problem why I can’t seem to finish anything? I guess the only way to know for sure is to get checked out but I’m not even sure how I would go about that, not to mention the fact I just straight up don’t have any health insurance so it would probably be a lot more expensive to get the test done, let alone the medicine to potentially fix my brain. It feels like there’s a solution just right in front of me and I can’t solve it due to very small and insignificant things. Like happiness is just through a door but some caution tape is the only thing keeping me from getting there.

Currently – 9/30/19 (Better, Restless, Alone)

I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.

Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.

I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.

I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.

Currently – 9/22/19 (School, Writing, Birthday)

As always the week is over so tomorrow I have to go to school. There’s somewhat of a groan but I’m starting to warm up to it. I guess my biggest problem is waking up early to drive to a place, having to do school work and then staying in one area for most of the day. I guess its a nice cleanse from being at home all day doing nothing other than playing video games so I can get trained to be in a work situation. Money isn’t a big issue anymore, thanks to my part time job, but I would like to make more money. It would be nice to finally start my life, so to speak.

I guess my current job is a topic I can talk about. There’s a lot of annoyances but I’ve become much more patient with that stuff recently, which I am thankful for. I’m still not in a good place in a multitude of ways but right now I’m making enough money to survive, a roof over my head, some money in my bank account and my stomach is full so it definitely could be worse. I want so much more but what I have right now works.

Been doing some more writing. I’m not sure why but the story seems to flow well, right now at least. I guess it might just be my pent up creativity finally able to spread its wings. I think school is helping with that because now I have a much more limited time to write so these ideas just build up in my head whereas sitting right in front of computer for hours a day I’m basically trying to squeeze any idea out I possibly can. I guess you can look at it like a water hose. You have to turn on the hose but it takes a while for the water to come out. Or something, I don’t know.

My birthday is coming up really soon and I’m not really excited for it for a variety of reasons. That much closer to 30 so… yay. I don’t mind getting older I just don’t like the idea of getting older while at the same time not being in the right place or what have you. Like I really want to get married and have a stable job but right now I’m single, terrible at relationships and at best I have a part time job. I’m definitely not an adult despite what my age says. I also don’t like it because a lot of people try to push expectations on me whereas I just consider it to be another day. My parents will force me to go out with them and, most likely, try and force whatever restaurant to sing to me while I’m just sinking lower and lower in my chair while all the other patrons just stare at me. Not fun.

My ideal birthday is just spending time with someone I care about. No presents whatsoever. I really hate buying things for others and having things bought for me. Yes a good present is always good but I never want to put pressure on someone to buy me something and there’s always the possibility that what I get is not what I want but I have to be polite about it. I just want to spend time with people that I can understand and love. Which is great because I just recently alienated someone I really care about so this is going to be an extra special birthday!

Currently – 9/21/19 (Friend, Writing, Future)

I wasn’t expecting my friend to call me up. Pretty much out of the blue. She basically just chewed me out for being an idiot, which I deserved. Part of the way through I started crying. I wasn’t aware how badly I hurt her and it just really got to me. There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be talking to her anymore. If I made her feel this badly do I even deserve to be her friend?

Spurred on by this feeling, I guess, I felt the urge to write. I don’t know why it just felt like I needed to do something constructive. I mean there’s honestly not much you can do after you realized that you hurt someone really badly. In my case I guess I just felt like channeling those emotions elsewhere. I still feel bad but now I’ve put some words onto paper (metaphorically speaking) so now my emotions are there in an effort to move on with the day. I would like to reconcile with her but… well I guess I already explained why I’m having second thoughts about that, among other reasons I don’t feel like talking about.

And of course there’s the future. That nebulous idea that’s always just out of reach. The weird thing I just realized about the future is we can never get there. As soon as we get there then its become the present and our memory of the time is the past. I was watching a video earlier from someone I’ve subscribed to on YouTube. It was one of those nerd deep dives where “Was this secretly deeper than you thought?” from a channel called Renegade Cut. I won’t spoil it, because its actually a pretty decent video and you should watch it, but it was about that old live action He-Man movie with Dolph Lundgren. There was a lot of talk about the future that kind of spoke to me in a weird way, made me think about stuff I wasn’t really wanting to think about. I guess in the same way I’m wondering about being a writer and also about this person who’s really special to me. If I should reach for this goal or will it forever be unreachable like the future as a nebulous concept.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 9/9/19 (Followers!, School, Writing)

Just a quick aside before I get into all of this. I just found out that I recently got fifty followers! This is actually really cool and I’m so glad that so many like this blog enough to follow it. I never could have dreamed of getting this many people to follow me. I know that sounds like a small number but considering I’m just talking about my life on a daily basis in what is essentially an online diary that’s pretty significant in my book. I’m really grateful to all of you for sticking around.

Today was my first day of class. I was pretty nervous and second guessing myself the entire time. I kept fidgeting in my chair, fixing my clothes and when one person talked directly to me I felt kind of weirded out because I thought I was going to be looked over this entire semester. Although my hair did look pretty ridiculous so there’s one thing. I also thought I was going to be immediately dropped from the class but… so far no! The class itself is still pretty intimidating. I haven’t talked about it but I’m training to become a medical assistant and one of the things the teacher made very clear was that not only would we be using needles but to practice we would eventually be using needles… on ourselves for practice. Okay so I’m confident enough in my ability to assist in administering or even giving myself… but the thought of having others ACTUALLY sticking a needle in me is… no.

All that aside, I’m going to really try hard in this class. It really feels like my life is moving forward and I absolutely don’t want to change that at all. Well… I mean I want my life to change for the better and I meant that I don’t want to stagnate. A lot of my fears have sort of gone away for the most part (though I still do have fears) but this really feels like my life is going to change for the better. Provided that I actually put in the work and time to do so, of course. The future is looking pretty bright now.

My theory was correct when I thought that getting into this class would help me with my writing more, in some way. In class I came up with two separate ideas for books one of which is pretty original from my own personal knowledge. In the same idea I’ve decided to put the book I was working on before on hold. I’m disappointed but I think it would be better overall. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to write at all, in fact I’ve started on something else, or that I’m ditching the book and concept. I think the previous thing I was working on was taking a lot of effort and I was stuck more often than not because I had to keep researching historical events that the story was based on. This new story is a lot more from my own mind so it should be easier to write… hopefully.

Another class tomorrow so I’m going to try and get an early sleep. I’ll do my best to make this work and actually put in effort this time. I’ve been coasting through life too much and then get mad or sad when things don’t go my way. I’m going to put my best foot forward and really make the best of this situation. I’m not being too optimistic about this and thinking that its going to be easy or absolutely a sure fire thing. I will say that given the time and proper effort this could turn into something great. And maybe more great things will come out of it as a result.

Currently – 9/7/19 (Friend, Life, Feelings)

I texted my friend as a follow up to see how she was doing. She got back to me some time later as sort of like a follow up. Didn’t seem like she was doing alright so I really hope she’s okay. I did my best to console her but it seems like she’s still in pain. I really wish I could do more for her but I feel like its important to give her as much space as she needs and whenever she feels like coming to me I’ll be there for her. This whole situation is infuriating but that’s not her fault. I’m not going to go into it too much but I just want to stop what hurt her and I’m frustrated I don’t know the exact words that will make her feel better immediately.

Making matters worse is I feel like I’m pulling back somewhat as to not hurt her or overstep my bounds. I hurt her once before and now I’m just trying to be someone there to help prop her up as much as she needs it but also trying to be mindful of her feelings and our, albeit limited, past together. I suppose the only thing I really can do is just be here for her. School will make that a lot more difficult as it will almost completely cut into the time frame I usually talked to her but I understand the classes are important in general and if I explain it to her she will understand. I just hate the idea of not being available when she might need it. I kind of want to talk about her more but I’ve got a lot of feelings tied up in this and I think I need to process it before I basically put this out into the world.

I guess I can update you guys on how the writing is going, or lack thereof. So ya, unfortunately it has taken a nose dive. A lot of life stuff got in the way and I’ve just been pulled in multiple directions all at once. Admittedly I’ve tried somewhat but even when I have the time when I look at what I’ve made I just end up feeling like its lacking. I’ve said this before but I feel like chapters don’t need to be multiple pages long provided it flows properly. The story does, however, look short in general. I’m fine with chapters being around two to three pages in theory but looking at the fact I’m at chapter 11 but I’ve only got around 30 pages it just feels… wrong somehow.

Right now I just want to power through it and finish it but I can’t get these stupid little ideas out of my head. If I’m being honest the book is really getting to the good parts and its almost halfway done, in terms of chapters, and I wouldn’t mind releasing what I have right now and just continuing on. However I feel as though since I’m going to be starting school soon which will take away even more time from me I wouldn’t be able to update the story in any consistent fashion. My biggest pet peeve is when a story I’m invested in takes forever to finally update and I don’t feel like putting that on others if the book I’m writing does actually turn out to be something you all would be interested in.

Then again school could actually force me to write more, though that’s a pretty big stretch. My idea is that I’ve been so lazy for a long time that I’ve been used to putting things off. But now that I actually have to put some effort into something that might end up fostering some better behaviors. Since the book would really be ramping up in these final chapters and become a lot more complex and require more rigorous research this could be the thing I need to move forward in one way or the other. My mom keeps asking me if I’m excited for this class and I keep saying no but I think I might actually be right now.