I don’t have many details on my family’s now former business or who shut it down and it really doesn’t matter at this point. Its gone and we just have to move forward. I’ve been fired before and I need to do the same as well, move forward that is. I’ve applied to two places so we’ll see how that works out. Right now I’m just trying to survive until the end of my class and we’ll take it from there.
I got my last check cashed today so it kind of hit me that this is really over and I’m not dreaming or rather having a nightmare. Right now things have quieted down but there’s this air of unease hanging over all of us. I still need a job and things aren’t really going to well. What I would really like to know is this just the prelude before everything gets a lot worse or are we finally in the clear for a bit. I spent part of the day helping my mom unload a bunch of files and sensitive information out of the building. Apparently we’re going to be evicted by Monday. Its really insane how quick this process really was compared to how we were teetering on the edge for around five years before this point. We’re getting almost no notices and being shoved out the door within days as if we’re a tenant that’s just come by as opposed to being here for literal decades.
Anyways, while I was working I got a call on my phone from the sign spinning place. The job really isn’t ideal but I need the money and if this works out I could have enough to survive for a while. As it stands, with what I have, I can last until January and then I’m in trouble. My family has told me they’ll help out where they can, which is nice, but I don’t want to be indebted to them. I’ll call on them if I need it but right now I need to find my own footing and I have time.
After all that work my body is just sore. I spent around two or three hours hauling everything around. I just hope the interview I have tomorrow doesn’t force me to do anything too strenuous or my body is healed up by then. Right now all I’m thinking about is going back to class. That’s really the best thing right now and I need to keep with it. All the people there, what I’m learning, the potential, the possibilities. I don’t know what I would do if that falls through and I’m not going to.
Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.
Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.
Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.
Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.
Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.
Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.
Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.
Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.
Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.
Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.
So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.
I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.
Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.
I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.
Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.
Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.
Each day of class seems to be a little weird in its own way. The day started off great but then some disappointment happened. I feel like talking about it would reveal a bit too much should anyone find this so I’ll just leave it at that. In any case I was pretty bitter. It felt like I was being singled out and I started to get angry, silently, at other people who were doing what I wanted to do. I realized it was childish in the moment so I didn’t make anything of it and tried to make the best of a not ideal situation.
Later in the day I was just feeling off, mostly from seeing my dad yesterday. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn’t let it go. Another small but annoying thing happened later which seemed to compound on my already foul mood. Both events were focused around the person I like which was really the main reason why I was unhappy. Not too long after I was just listening to the lecture when out of the corner of my eye I saw them look over at me but as soon as they thought I was looking they snapped back away. I don’t know, it just felt kind of nice in a weird way. I’ve been trying my best to not assume someone likes me but its little moments like that which make me feel like it might actually be true. That being said, I’d like to take this slow and let it smolder rather than turn into a wildfire.
Caught up with most of my homework so I ‘rewarded’ myself with a bit of goofing off, though I think I’ll try to do some extra work so I can have more free time to do whatever I want during the weekend or what have you. At work I remembered something and asked my supervisor. Unfortunately they remembered that one of my coworkers was going to be absent on a particular day that I usually have off and I, both wanting more money and being somewhat of a door mat, agreed to take the time. Problem is that time, as far as I’ve been lead to believe, is a volunteer time I took in order to both have something to put on my resume but also hang out with this special person. I was planning on asking them afterwards if they wanted to hang out, as the both of us would have the rest of the day off, but alas more annoying stuff unfortunately.
My family has had way too many run ins with cancer. There is, of course, my dad who is in hospice from his cancer, my mom who had a scare but also another relative who had a mastectomy a while ago. I’ve been really self conscious because a lot of people who I am related to by blood seem to be contracting it left and right. Making matters worse is I’ve noticed an abnormal growth underneath my arm. At first I thought it was a bug bite and it would go away but it hasn’t for a few days. Obviously I’m kind of freaking out and now my mind is making up a bunch of other things to signify that it is cancer and since I don’t (as far as I know) have any health insurance I’m not sure how much it would be to go to the doctor to get a biopsy or x-ray to check and make sure its nothing. Not to get too graphic but right now the only method I can think of is to get a sharp knife and… perform surgery on myself. I honestly don’t know what to do.
Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.
I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.
Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.
Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.
I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.