Currently – 9/20/19 (Fasting, Friend, Mistake)

I didn’t want to post anything yesterday about it in case I couldn’t do it but I decided that on Fridays I would try fasting for the entire day. I’ve heard a lot of good things about this and my dad frequently fasted when I was a kid so I’m not going into this blind. Basically fasting is a period of time where you temporarily go without eating food for various reasons, religious or just trying to be more health conscious. All you can do is really drink water or non flavored/sugary drinks. All I’ve had today is water and coffee.

I think I’m going to break it later tonight since this is more of a test to gauge my effects and how my body reacts to it. Right now I feel kind of light headed but not really anything else. This could be something I do every Friday for a while. I guess the main reason I did this was because I’ve noticed my body doing… not great in terms of just my own personal look. Though I guess more than that I feel like resetting my own eating habits because what I eat isn’t really healthy and I’ve heard that many people lose cravings for bad stuff while doing this. In any case it feels like the experiment was a success so I might do this more often.

For whatever reason I decided to text my friend while also being aware she might not answer. Turns out she actually did… which kind of turned badly. I was insensitive to her feelings, though not purposefully it was definitely on accident, and she chewed me out because of it. It was kind of disappointing because it seemed like she might have wanted to talk to me as well and I essentially just made her cut me off. It definitely wasn’t my intention to do this but I’m not going to pretend like I’m blameless. I really should have known better. I think I’m going to give her some space to let her want to come back if she should feel like it.

I’m really annoyed with myself because I keep seeming to make these mistakes over and over with her. She’s a really nice person and I hate to see her unhappy, even worse when I am the cause of her unhappiness. She has every right to be mad at me and I just hope she forgives me. There’s times when I think she would be better off without me. I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 8/24/19 (Lazy, Weight?, Wait!)

Unfortunately no writing today. I think I didn’t do it because I was just so tired from last night. I was asked to sit in at my part time job and the description was really… lacking. Like I wasn’t sure about the specifics other than I had to ‘work’ through the night but I wasn’t sure what that entailed so I debated going to sleep or if I should attempt to wire myself up with coffee but then that would affect my performance for the next shift I was to take… So ya I really didn’t get much rest. I took the time shift for multiple reasons but basically I just want to be as helpful as possible because I think if I lose another job that’s going to break me. Don’t worry, I am getting enough rest I’m just still in that uncomfortable stage of it being a new job and I don’t want to step on toes.

I’ve had something of a weight problem for a while. Actually I should say its more of a body image problem more than anything. I know I’m not fit and that sucks but I’m not extremely overweight and its somewhat manageable. For me its about my appearance more than anything, although health wise it would be nice. I walked by a near full length mirror and saw my gut jutting out. I don’t mean like “I am self conscious and I perceive my gut hanging out” rather it was actually hanging out and it brought my mood down. I don’t have a problem with people and weight, my friend isn’t in the best shape but I’m always telling her that its fine if she stays at her current weight as long as she’s happy with it. I am not and I really would like to change that.

I guess I just have a problem with exercising regularly. I think its making a habit of it that’s difficult. I often just don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and do something simply. I don’t need to lose weight in a certain time period or for anything in particular, I just want to slim down a bit so I have more confidence and maybe I’ll be more attractive. Already I find it hard to take pictures of myself, even just the face because there’s also some problems I have there. It doesn’t feel like anyone is attracted to me looking like all of this.

Maybe its just a mind over matter thing. I think(?) I’ve been hit on in the past. Its really difficult to tell, though. I’m not sure if you’re attracted to me or just trying to be nice. It would be a lot easier and nicer if people were just more direct. Although would that be worse? Instead of wondering if I’m attractive to others would I just be sad that no one is saying I’m attractive? It feels like a lose-lose situation.

Someone told me that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else, and I disagree with every fiber in my being. Plenty of people hate themselves but love others! Why am I the only person who has to love myself before I can love or be loved by someone else? Not to drag on this person, even though they are no longer in my life and I want it to stay that way, but they were terrible at relationships too. My ideal mate is someone who looks at my flaws and loves me, not in spite of those flaws or overlooks them but loves me and all of me. I think if I had someone like that in my life I would want to be better for them in every way. The right person challenges you to become the best you that you can be each day. That’s how I see it.