Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 11/8/19 (Shopping, Weekend, Food)

I guess I haven’t talked about my finances all that much other than the occasional fear of having nothing. My part time job is enough for all my needs, and I’m definitely thankful for that. The amount itself is nothing great but its enough to pay off the few bills I have on only one paycheck and the rest is essentially mine to spend as I please. There was a time I was saving up to take a trip to London to see someone though that has fallen through so that $700 or so I just used to keep my mind off yet another failed relationship. That isn’t to say I spent it all but I essentially just kept chipping away at it until now I have about half of that left.

Talking to the girl I liked a while ago, even with her minimum wage job, she was asking me about my finances once and was surprised to hear I didn’t really have any savings, at least from the stand point I wasn’t really worried about them. People who know me in person know I’m not someone who likes to hold onto money. I prefer to spend it on others because I feel like it makes them happy and life is short etc etc. Basically if I have enough to pay off my bills and maybe $100 left just to do whatever I feel like with I’m happy. After being fired I kind of started to realize how much more important money is in general. I still, kind of, waste my money but at least I pull myself back every so often just to say “But do I really need this?” Its kind of the same when it comes to how I’m at least trying to be a vegan.

Anyways, I had a check that I decided to cash today so I felt like walking around the mall and at the bookstore. I didn’t end up buying anything, which was somewhat disappointing but at the same time kind of nice because I felt like I had everything I needed. I did go to another store and buy some minor groceries so the day wasn’t completely wasted. Plus I got some walking time in which is always nice.

I’ve been thinking about cooking some more. I bought some rice and beans which is what I was living off of for a while. I’ve been trying to find some deserts that I could make with some basic ingredients like that but I can’t really find anything. Either way I’ve been spending far too much needless money at lunch when I go to class so I’m hoping this will at least shave off a few bucks here and there. I know this all sounds pretty boring but… it was my day so, ya.

I was actually thinking of buying some more cook books but… I mean I have like five already, at least, and I barely look through them at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself in that regard. I guess I’ve been interested in fermenting and making kombucha but I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to do that where I’m staying, let alone where I’d keep some stuff like that. I wonder if I could make something like fermented rice? I’ve been trying to get more fermented foods in my diet for my digestion, which actually really does work for me. I think I have a book on fermentation with me right now so maybe I’ll flip through it and get a few ideas here and there.

Currently – 10/26/19 (Health, Weekend, Restless)

Continuing my current health update the growth I thought was cancer turned out to be (at least from the doctor’s perspective) an infected gland. My treatment is some antibiotics and a warm compress to the affected area. As far as it feels the treatment seems to be working so I’m glad. Right now the pain and hardness has decreased but I still feel pain. That being said I’m definitely grateful that it seems to be working. I had my doubts but right now everything is telling me this isn’t as serious as I thought it was.

I still have some annoying effects right now. The area is really close to my lung, which was one of my major worries believing that if it was cancer it would have spread to my lungs, and as a result I keep coughing up… stuff that’s most likely come from the infected area. I’m doing my best to keep what I’m saying as not gross as possible but there’s not really much I can do. There doesn’t really seem to be any way I can get rid of this for the moment so I just kind of have to suffer with the pain and gross coughs. All things considered I much rather prefer this to lymphoma or lung/heart cancer.

I’ve said this before but that minor brush with mortality has me really thinking more about my future, more specifically about who I want to be in my future. I’m trying my best to think of this person realistically as well as respect their space. I want them to feel comfortable around me, not necessarily for the express purpose of being in a relationship with them but more so because I’m having a lot of fun with them. I think the next time I see them I’ll try to introduce the idea of getting closer to gauge how they feel. Unfortunately I have to wait another full day and a few hours before I can do that so I’ll just be sitting here thinking about the best thing to say.

Right now I kind of feel like getting on the treadmill, as weird as that sounds. My guess is that if I do some exercises then I’ll be able to potentially get this gunk out of my chest. Unfortunately I can’t do stuff like push ups because my arm is in a pretty decent amount of pain and even just using it to get off the bed hurts far too much. That being said my legs are working perfectly fine and I keep staring at this treadmill that’s just sitting here. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. The pain isn’t debilitating and the coughing isn’t getting in the way too much but if some light exercise could help me pass all this stuff by either pushing it out or just making my body stronger to fight off the infection I’m definitely all for it. Maybe before I go to bed so I can have a decent night’s sleep or a better morning not being forced to run to the trash can and gag for a few minutes. That was certainly unpleasant this morning…

Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 9/20/19 (Fasting, Friend, Mistake)

I didn’t want to post anything yesterday about it in case I couldn’t do it but I decided that on Fridays I would try fasting for the entire day. I’ve heard a lot of good things about this and my dad frequently fasted when I was a kid so I’m not going into this blind. Basically fasting is a period of time where you temporarily go without eating food for various reasons, religious or just trying to be more health conscious. All you can do is really drink water or non flavored/sugary drinks. All I’ve had today is water and coffee.

I think I’m going to break it later tonight since this is more of a test to gauge my effects and how my body reacts to it. Right now I feel kind of light headed but not really anything else. This could be something I do every Friday for a while. I guess the main reason I did this was because I’ve noticed my body doing… not great in terms of just my own personal look. Though I guess more than that I feel like resetting my own eating habits because what I eat isn’t really healthy and I’ve heard that many people lose cravings for bad stuff while doing this. In any case it feels like the experiment was a success so I might do this more often.

For whatever reason I decided to text my friend while also being aware she might not answer. Turns out she actually did… which kind of turned badly. I was insensitive to her feelings, though not purposefully it was definitely on accident, and she chewed me out because of it. It was kind of disappointing because it seemed like she might have wanted to talk to me as well and I essentially just made her cut me off. It definitely wasn’t my intention to do this but I’m not going to pretend like I’m blameless. I really should have known better. I think I’m going to give her some space to let her want to come back if she should feel like it.

I’m really annoyed with myself because I keep seeming to make these mistakes over and over with her. She’s a really nice person and I hate to see her unhappy, even worse when I am the cause of her unhappiness. She has every right to be mad at me and I just hope she forgives me. There’s times when I think she would be better off without me. I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

Currently – 9/18/19 (School, Hair, OCD)

Another day of school. Today was a little bit different. We’ve been doing more vital signs and have been ‘encouraged’ to pick a new partner everyday. This is of course, great for me as I am a socially awkward guy in a class of mostly women and there’s an odd number of students in the class! All joking aside, the past two days we’ve done this I’ve always been propositioned by a woman to do vital signs. Today I was propositioned by a cute young woman who sits at the table next to mine. I thought I was going to be extremely awkward and ruin everything by being weird but I kept it together for the most part. I was respectful (at least I think so), we did what we needed to do and then some because she was pretty efficient and she even helped me out so that was nice. I even got in a bit of small talk that was relevant to what we were doing so ultimately I would say it was good overall.

Unfortunately I kind of got a bit of the OCD after that. My attention focused on her, completely not by my choice, for most of the day. I generally tried to avoid her from the stand point of trying to be overly not creepy. We sort of bumped paths a few times which made me think that she might have thought I was getting too close to her. Of course things did not stay as I would have liked them, meeting an attractive stranger and being respectful of their space. In our class we have this very tall girl and today she sat up in front… blocking my view of the screen so I later moved my seat… and the only seat was closer to my temporary partner earlier in the day. I gave her a half smile just to say “Yep, I’m sitting here right now” as well as “I’m genuinely just trying to be a nice person and not creep you out as I’m coming from the standpoint that you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend/aren’t interested in me or dating anyone in general because you’re here to become a medical professional like I am”.

I thought all was well until the class had ended. I cleaned up my stuff and walked out. My brain conjured up the idea that she was walking behind me but of course I couldn’t look because that would be creepy, obviously. So my mind focused on the fact she might have been behind me and I tried to keep a normal pace. Down the stairs I saw a shadowy figure following close behind where I was and thought it was her. I left open the door for a few seconds and… no one came out. My first thought was she was actively avoiding me because I had inadvertently creeped her out, which definitely wasn’t my intention. So now I have to go back tomorrow and… do something. I think I’ll just try and pretend that nothing happened and maybe I was making a mountain out of an ant hill.

I think now is the best time to reveal that I pretty much have OCD. I don’t mean OCD as in “Wow, your room is so clean. You are so OCD” or “Omg I am so OCD when it comes to [insert dumb thing here]!” More OCD like I can’t sleep until I have pressed the lock on my car remote until it beeps, lock the car but check each handle at least twice, retrace my steps etc etc. It was really difficult to understand why I was doing these things but it started to make sense after a while. Unfortunately understanding a problem like OCD exists and you have it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. Mental health problems suck like that.

I’ve been trying meditation and reading this book on mindfulness on occasion. I feel like if I can get that stuff down then I’ll be able to at least deal with it. Right now I’m on the long road to trying to get through this and I’ve just started my first few steps. One step was cutting my hair for the first time in a while. I was putting it off but I really want to get through this immediately. I’m not joking when I say I have clown hair because that’s pretty much exactly what it looks like after I’ve taken a shower and let my hair rest, complete with flattened top and poofed out sides and in the back. I cut my own hair for a variety of reasons, two of which are its inconvenient to go out and get one and I’ve never had a good one before.

My hair is really difficult to cut as I have, for lack of a better term, ‘ethnic’ hair. I can easily put it into an afro given enough grow time, but the problem is I also have dandruff so… ya, gross. Whenever I cut my hair it doesn’t look good. If you need a visual metaphor there was a meme being passed around a few years ago of a politician that had this really horrible haircut and it was shopped to say “Just [bleep] me up fam.” I prefer the messed up, chopped, lost a fight with a lawn mower look than being a clown.

So my hair is… cut and tomorrow will be my last day of school before the weekend. My homework is almost all done so all I need to do is bite the bullet and walk into class to await the comments about my hair or face that nice girl who’s probably freaked out by my subtle OCD habits and accidentally getting too close to her via circumstances outside of my control. I just need to suffer through an almost seven hour class till I can breathe a sigh of relief on the weekend. Then… I don’t know. Maybe do something productive… hopefully.