Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.
Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.
Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.
Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.
I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.
Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.
I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.
Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.
Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.
Finally got around to doing some cooking. It wasn’t much, just a bunch of starter ingredients. I steamed some kale, which mildly improved the taste, and cooked some mushrooms. Not really sure what to do with all of this but… hey, its cooked and ready. I think tomorrow I’ll cook some beans I’ve been meaning to get to.
More work, in multiple ways. Of course there’s my part time job but I’m also trying to get ahead of some homework. I also missed a few assignments that I’m allowed to make up so that’s nice. I believe all the homework for Monday is finished so its just the make up and the extra stuff so I can have a bit of free time, hopefully. Not really that I can do anything with it but so be it.
Sorry for the small post size and the fact I’m doing this a lot later than I promised. I’ve just been feeling really down as of late. No one really to talk to, no one in my life. It just doesn’t feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning. I really just want some companionship. Not necessarily in a sexual/romantic way, although that would be nice, but I really just want someone who wants to be there for me. Someone who texts me every so often just to see how I’m doing, wants to share great things going on in their life, someone I can just be near occasionally. More than anything I just want to be wanted, if that makes any sense. I want to be someone else’s reason for getting up in the morning, in a positive way.
Usually on Fridays I get all of the stuff I can’t get done on the other days of the week. Did some laundry, although I forgot to do my sheets which is kind of gross now that I think about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to be vegan, mostly for environmental reasons, and I decided to buy a bunch of stuff. I was really just going to go in and get some tofu so I could learn how to properly season it and such but I swear I can’t find it whatsoever. I did get some other stuff which was neat. I got an egg substitute I’ve been hearing about for the longest time, which was a really interesting experience albeit far too expensive for me to want to buy it again, and some veggie sausages plus these two massive bags of kale and spinach.
I ordered a thing from Amazon and it still hasn’t come in yet which is extremely infuriating. I kept getting alerts that it was coming but the tracker kept showing the delivery truck was driving everywhere but my place. They were even just a street over, apparently. I have to work tomorrow and I’m not sure how I can pick it up now. I’m kind of angry at this whole situation because its something for my class. I’m kind of worried that this person will just decide to leave my package out on the street and its going to get stolen, not even mentioning how I paid extra to get it shipped faster so I’ll probably have to go through the whole situation of trying to get that money back because it doesn’t seem like the package is coming tonight.
I’m feeling a lot better, in general, right now. My mind is always so busy that I keep messing around with all these things in my head. For me peace is absence or silence. I feel better when my mind is quiet, even for a moment. I decided to move away from some of the things that were making me feel a bit bad so that’s definitely helped. Wondering if I can keep this going for a bit longer. This feels really nice. I know that sounds weird to say after the whole package thing but that’s really minor, honestly.