Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.
And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.
The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.
I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.
With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.
Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.
I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.
I guess this is a first for this blog. All of my posts up until now have been using a computer. Right now I’m using mobile. Apologies beforehand if this doesn’t work out super well. I’ll (hopefully) find out later.
Was today a good day of writing? I’m honestly not sure. I got some writing done but hit a wall early on. I felt like taking a minor break by watching the new episode for a show. Ultimately that ended up becoming a nightmare because I found out the Internet wasn’t working. I tried everything and eventually it was all I could think about. Nearly twelve hours later I learned the bill just straight up wasn’t paid so here’s hoping that changes tomorrow.
I think the biggest part of no internet for me is the idea that my ability to not think about bad stuff is drastically reduced. I usually just turn off my brain for a bit to either play games or watch some tv. Its not great for me becoming a more whole and complete person but I would rather stagnate than suffer. Today’s particular suffering was being lonely and staring at sent messages left unreplied. So lacking internet connection I decided to take what I call a depression nap so most likely I will be awake for the whole night… with no internet.
I’m going to stop using the “I” word for a bit. One of the biggest problems I have with this age is the fact its so immensely easy to communicate with other that when you don’t get to its a much bigger thing. Sending letters could take months, telegrams weren’t exactly common and still had to go through the postal service, even phones were limited to being in homes attached to cords or you had to be rich to afford a massive brick that had a better life less than a mayfly. Now I can literally talk with someone nearly halfway across the world… or in my case send them a message and not receive a reply for days.
I get that people are busy and lives get in the way but I can’t help but feel its a slight against me. Even worse it reminds me that I’m no one’s favorite person. I take no priority in anyone’s life, I’m never the first or last person on their mind. And in this case I’m, at best, second priority when it comes to talk to. I’m not even sure if I’m tenth on their list of people preferred to talk to. Just once in my life I want to be that person. Someone who is constantly at the back of their mind, just the mere utter of my name sends a pleasant shiver down their back, a flutter of the heart, someone who counts the minutes until they can see me again. Can I just take priority in someone’s life for once? I’ll settle for second.
Alright so I looked back on my last post and… it seems like no one has read it. I’m not sure what that’s about if anything. If I’m being honest that’s kind of demoralizing. I put a lot of my heart and was vulnerable in posting that. But you know what? People like what they like and if you didn’t want to share in my honesty and vulnerability that’s fine. I guess we’ll just move on.
Started off today with the idea of improvement. I can understand that a lot of my health problems can be managed by just simply doing different things and prioritizing my time better. Trying to be more productive I washed my clothes and sheets. Its been pretty hot where I’ve been and, not to get too gross but, my bed could use a cleaning. I guess I should be thankful that it won’t stay this hot for much longer.
Extra productive activity was doing some yoga. I’ve talked about doing it for a while. I’m not really happy with my body’s shape and I’ve had a history of heart problems, both personally and family. It was difficult. I didn’t have a yoga mat so I was just doing this on the hardwood floor, which was not ideal. But I felt much better after having done it so I feel like that was a plus. I hope I can keep up with it more.
I also did some more writing. Got a pretty decent amount of work done considering I took such a significant break for my own personal health. Not as much as I would like but any amount of work is work. I feel like I’m getting more comfortable with the story so not only is it easier to write but also its a lot easier to know where I’m going with all of this. I made an outline sometime ago so that also helps but it feels a lot more natural to write. I feel like I could get this done within the month if I’m diligent. I will have to figure out how to post it and there will be an edit but the edits will be done (as far as I feel) on a chapter by chapter basis as I release them.
Did some more work on my book today. Though I feel like as each day passes I’m doing less and less work on this thing. I’m not sure if I should change that or not. Force myself to write or allow it to flow? Maybe I’ll just give it some time. Either way some amount of progress was done.
Also worked at my temporary job today. Its pretty easy all things considered. Just basically on standby in case anyone needs anything. I do some work on occasion but its small and not really anything to fret over a lot. Have yet to be paid. Wondering when a paycheck will come by I think it will. In the meantime I still haven’t cashed in my check from my old job so that’s a bit of a safety net. I should cash it as soon as possible.
Pretty much every day I keep thinking about a bunch of things. Mentally torturing myself is a better way to put it. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t relax without thinking about this stuff. Its kind of infuriating and making me feel sad. I think right now I just want to be numb to it. Forgetting seems impossible and could backfire.
I keep thinking about all the things I’ve done and haven’t. Keep thinking I’m a failure. Its not like I want to have these feelings, its just that my brain won’t let me have a moment to myself. I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it, but I’m trying. All I ask is that I not constantly torture myself over all of these mistakes. How can I learn from them if I’m always thinking about how I screwed up? There’s a time to beat yourself up for messing up but there’s also a time to ask yourself “Alright now what can I learn from this to not do it anymore?” Maybe I’m still in the previous stage.
So… I finished my paper today. I know that’s not really that momentous of a thing considering I don’t even think its more than twelve pages long but… I mean this is really huge for me. I’ve never really finished anything so this is a major boost for me. However I feel really weird. Like I’m not sure where to go from here or what could become of it.
Alright so the process isn’t fully finished. The paper is complete and all I need to do is self publish it on Amazon as well as make out a cover for it. But apart from that the hardest part of this is done. I’m not sure what I should price it at as its fairly short in length and its more of a research paper than anything. I was thinking a dollar but now that I say that it feels somehow too much.
Right now I feel very strange like this wasn’t even a possibility. I feel like I’ve crossed a threshold of some kind and now I’m able to move forward. This is really unusual and I’m not sure how to deal with this. I’m thinking maybe this will go away once I finally publish it but another part is telling me that I’ll continue to feel weird if I actually make money off of this.
I think either way I’ve opened up a new path for myself. Something different has happened. Almost like something has woken up inside me. I don’t want to lose this feeling. Its not pleasant but its much better than feeling numb. This could be my ticket to the future. I really want to explore this feeling for as long as I can.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was trying to convince myself that this new project was making me sad because the subject matter was pretty depressing but I think this is beyond that. I reached out to a friend to talk and she was unresponsive. I would have preferred that she just tell me off or not even respond at all but she kind of did. I thought we were going to have a quick back and forth before she went to bed but then just nothing. I responded and she didn’t.
This happens often. I reach out and no one responds. I just really want someone to talk and relate to, maybe bounce feelings off. I think I just really miss that feeling of contact with someone as weird as that sounds. Just being present, feeling someone else right there with me. Not in a sexual way but rather to ground me, make me remember where I am. This room is starting to become a prison.
My project is going fairly well, though. Of course as I mentioned the subject matter is bringing me down. I have the drive to write but then feel terrible after about an hour long session. This isn’t healthy. Doesn’t feel healthy anyways. Problem is I can’t just switch to another project. I just sit there with an open file and a blank mind. I can deal with writer’s block but not this.
I just don’t know anymore. Not sure what to do or what to think. Can’t tell anyone about it because no one’s listening. I feel really tired right now. I think I’m going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up things will be better. Of course I know that it won’t be but… I can dream.