Currently – 10/14/19 (Confused, Restless, Unsure)

I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.

With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.

Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.

I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.

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Currently – 10/13/19 (Dieting, Cooking, Investing)

I feel like every post I say something negative… I know I’ve said this a lot, but this blog is primarily just my day to day thoughts and such. That being said I feel like every time I get on here there’s always something negative. That’s not to say it isn’t true but maybe, every once and a while, I’ll skip the negatives and just talk about the positives. I’ll probably drop this pretty shortly after, as I am known to do, but let’s try it!

So I’ve been looking at my body and sort of disappointed in what I’ve been seeing. Exercising is something I want to get more into but I should also shape up how I eat as well. I’ve been working on doing some intermittent fasting which… I’m not sure if its working? I guess, maybe, its helping me with my own personal control over not overeating. At least I hope it is. The basic idea is to limit the amount of time I eat down to a period and apart from that I kind of fast. Basically I’m just actively skipping breakfast in an effort to be more conscious of my eating habits. I think its working, at least from the stand point that I’m making plans on what to eat instead of shoveling random things in my mouth at any time of the day.

Today I cooked something really interesting. It was like a chicken stew. Basically just a less watery chicken soup. It actually tasted pretty good so I was surprised. I cook somewhat often but I’m not really adventurous because I’m cooking for other people so this was kind of out of the way for me. I didn’t get any feedback from the people who ate some of it, which kind of sucks because I wanted to know if it was good or not. In any case, I’m pretty happy with what I’ve done so that’s nice.

I’ve been thinking about getting into small time investments as a way to potentially make a lot more money. I signed up with this company called Robinhood and they seem decent? I mean they gave me a free stock for signing up which was nice. Its not a whole lot but its free and if I decide to cash out its literally just all my money… I think. Anyways, I’ve been saving up some money so I could go on a trip and that might not be happening any time soon so I figured why not spend a few bucks and potentially make more?

I guess the investing idea is also to make me more of an adult, as weird as that sounds. I don’t do many ‘adult’ things like finances, going to clubs, drinking or anything like that. I mostly stay at home, play video games and watch tv shows which I’m fine with but most people usually give me weird looks. Not to say I care about what others think because I feel kind of happy just doing this. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing so I feel like its just hobbies that aren’t harmful and don’t cost a whole lot, though that can vary.

It would be really cool if this investing thing could get me some actual money that I could use to build a future. I keep having this idea of me being this new age investor type where I’m just wearing very chill and comfortable clothes but I make lots of money and use that to fund a great and adventurous life. I don’t understand why people with vast amounts of money just stay close to all of it and sit on that. Why not spend it on something fun? Life is short and you’ve been basically given a free ticket to see this vast world!

I think I would start traveling to Europe then some of the Asian countries like Japan and China then go to Australia. I also think it would be really interesting to go to India and try some of the local cuisine. It really got into my head after I watched that street food documentary on Netflix. I’ve traveled around a fair bit already in my past, some in America and one trip outside of my country. The header of this blog is actually from Iceland. I guess I just really want to find a place out there where I belong and can be at peace with someone special.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 10/3/19 (Class, Hospital, Disconnected)

There’s something weird that goes on each day that I just realized I haven’t discussed. So every day there’s a rhythm. I get to class and, in some way or another, I’m ignored by my peers. Later we section off into groups and I, purposefully, drag my feet so everyone can be with their preferred partner. The class is uneven so I’m always left the odd man out. At first this was just because I was lonely and afraid people would think I was creepy but now its become a way to force myself to interact with people since I kind of have to. And the people still get to be with who they want so there’s that.

Eventually I will walk up to another group and just ask to hang around, or on rare occasions I would be invited to another group. Eventually we would just kind of talk, like peers. This actually feels really nice, whether I’m forced to interact with someone or someone ends up coming to me. It feels like someone wants to be around me, if only for a few moments. I helped some people with an assignment today and it was really nice just to be a part of a group where I was actually useful and no one judged me (at least that I couldn’t see).

Something I didn’t mention is that my dad has been in the hospital for a few days. Something about a blood infection? I don’t know. Anyways my brother tried to get me to visit him yesterday but I was wiped out and said I would do it today knowing I wouldn’t like the experience. My dad continued to be himself, rambling on for almost an hour. Eventually a nurse came in with some pain medication and tried to explain the situation to him calmly but he just kept being argumentative with this nice woman, accusing her of lying. Bless her because she had the patience of a saint.

I left as soon as I could and was on my way home just driving. I wanted to listen to some music or have a video play in the background so I ended up shutting off my GPS just to not be interrupted while I was enjoying whatever I was listening to. Unfortunately my sense of direction has always been really bad so I ended up driving for miles and miles, eventually overshot where I was going and ended up in the wrong direction by nearly thirty miles. Somehow I had ended up in the same city where I went to high school. This wave of nostalgia and annoyance just washed over me before I headed back.

I wondered what it would have been like to just drive into the parking lot and see my old school. I thought about bumping into a former classmate and, them seeing me wearing my scrubs, would ask me about my current job and I’d correct them by saying I was just a student. It felt weirdly good. I don’t often drift back into being a teenager in high school and have fond memories or think about meeting an old classmate with joy. I thought about how far my life has come since then. Who I am, what I’ve done and how much I’ve changed.

I wasn’t a good person in high school, to say the least. I was dealing with a lot of issues at home and in my past that poisoned my mind and turned me into something that I can only look back on in disgust or embarrassment. There are definitely some things I miss like my scalp not being riddled with dandruff or my really really thin frame thanks to my teenage metabolism. But overall I’m happy that I’ve become a more realized person. I dealt with my own sexuality, came to terms with my own toxic behavior and, overall, I think I became a better person… or at least I hope I have.

Currently – 9/28/19 (Work, Class, Travel)

Still technically on my shift but the day is basically over at this point. As usual a pretty chill day at work, all things considered. I put a little more effort in today than usual but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed which sucks. Then again it did feel good to put a little bit more in so it wasn’t all bad.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my class lately. It really feels like I’ve been taking it easy and not putting in the effort I should be. At the very least I should do it so if I do get to go on my internship they don’t kick me out immediately. Someone I worked with recently gave me an idea how I can practice outside of class and it should only cost around like twenty bucks so I might go for that. At the very least if I buy this thing then I’ll stare at it and realize I should be practicing. Not sure if I can practice on myself so I should ask the teacher about it on Monday.

After that surprise windfall of money from my last paycheck I’ve been thinking more and more about going to visit my friend when I have the opportunity. I’ve been looking up the prices of hostels in her area but I think I should really be focusing on that plane ticket. I did something really dumb and confided in my mom about going. Her response was to basically accuse my friend of being a murderer or thief that is trying to lure me to her so she can harm me. That fear has always been in the back of my head because my friend just seems so unreal to me but there’s really genuine moments I can’t share that have me convinced she isn’t lying to me. Or maybe I should listen to the fear.

Either way I have to talk to her about it first. I’m not sure she’s in the right head space to see me at the moment or when she actually has free time to do so. I haven’t been out of the country in maybe over a year so this could be good. My class will break for a few times so my windows to see her within a period of time a pretty slim, not to mention how the flights will get much more expensive the closer it gets to tourist season. Right now I have enough for the flight so if I’m diligent about saving in a few more paychecks I’ll have enough to survive over there.

Right now it still seems like a dream that this could ever happen. I feel like as soon as we meet it will cement that this is something more than just talking to each other over the phone. Not saying it would escalate to dating or anything like that because I don’t think she’s interested. This could be the best decision of my life or the worst. I’m not really sure which voice to listen to right now: the optimist or the pessimist. I feel like a healthy balance would work. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have traveled to a country I’ve thought about going to for a while so it can’t all be bad.

Currently – 9/14/19 (Work, Money, Alone)

Another weekend, another day at my part time job. Its easy and the pay is decent for the amount of work I put in. My only real concern is the lack of freedom on the weekends. I’m not complaining that I have a job that is enough to pay the bills, rather I dislike the fact that my weekends are now devoted to keeping myself afloat for the time being. Feels like I’m becoming more of an adult which I’m not into. I’m not going to act childish about this but I don’t want to work my entire life. I’d rather just be getting by rather than have money. You can have all the money in the world but if you don’t have any time to spend it then what is it really worth?

I do have an idea, apart from paying bills and general living expenses, of what I want to do with it. My friend invited me to come to her country and hang out. There’s a lot of things surrounding this that I’m iffy on. First and foremost is the cost. Not even factoring in living expenses for how long I will be staying it would be around a thousand dollars round trip. Second is the idea she may just be being nice and this is more of a formality. Third, I guess, is it ends up badly and I just have this massive hole in my wallet and a bad experience. Also there’s this awful thought in the back of my mind that I have to accept: Is this person worth the time and money?

Look I care about her and she’s great but if I’m being honest I hate the fact that when I try to talk to her there’s a significant chance I’m just going to be met with radio silence. Now imagine that but I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to visit this person and they do it to me when I’m a few feet away from them. I guess its the poor experiences I’ve had with relationships in the past that are making me feel this way. But now I can actually put a tangible cost on potentially forming a greater relationship with this person. If I was rich and money was no object I could go there no problem and if it went poorly I could just walk around this country as a wealthy tourist and potentially visit more places here.

The worst part about this is I’m not sure if having these feelings makes me a terrible friend. I do genuinely care about her but I’m never sure if she feels the same way about me. Its exhausting to put yourself out there, trying to create a meaningful connection, only to have the other party shun you. There was a time when I was really considering uprooting my life and moving to where she was in order to foster a connection but now I’m not so sure. It would be really nice if I could just get definitive answers to my questions as opposed to dancing around the subject.

At the same time I want to be respectful. She’s been through a lot and I don’t want to add to her worries. Then again would it just be better if I were to leave? If I am creating more problems than I can solve, it would be better if I wasn’t in the picture… right? Should I return that silence as well? Would I be potentially ruining something even greater than what is here right now? Better question: Is what I have now all I can hope for?

Currently – 9/6/19 (Friend, Pain, Future)

For me its difficult to know when someone really cares or wants to talk to me. For more content I wrote something two posts ago, if memory serves correct, about my grandfather. If we become friends I’ll want to talk to you for hours upon hours almost non stop. If I could stop myself from needing to do everything in life just to talk to you I would. Obviously, and unfortunately, not everyone else feels the same way. There’s this disconnect where I sometimes forget that and think that someone who is just living their life and doing everything they can to survive is actually making a conscious decision to avoid talking to me. This was the main reason why I inadvertently said something bad against someone I care about.

Today I received a surprise message from them from out of the blue asking to talk over the phone. This was the first time I ever heard this person cry. This person who was so kind and loving and amazing in every way was in tears on the other end. I did my best to help her but I’m never sure if I’m ever doing things right. I wanted to cry with them too but I knew that they needed someone strong at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to embrace them and take all of their pain away, even if I had to suffer for it. I don’t think she would appreciate me giving any information on what happened so I will decline to describe the situation.

I really want some advice on how to help her but that of course would entail saying what happened and I’m not going to betray her trust. I want to know the perfect thing that’s going to make all of this feel better so she can never experience pain like this again. At this point I feel like all I can do is just be there with her and do my best to take care of her needs no matter what that means. Complicating matters is that I’m going to start school on Monday which will drastically limit the time we can talk. Part of me wants to just cancel the classes and spend all my time just being present for her but that’s not sensible and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Where I want to go, what I have to do to get there and what I want to be there when I am there. I already know where I want to go and what I want to be there but not how to get there. Not really sure how to put that. I guess its like you’re going on a trip to a destination but you don’t have any transportation or money for food. Maybe I can get a stable, well paying job from this class and be able to save enough money to get there. This could be the beginning of the rest of my life. To put it lightly I’m terrified but excited.