Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently – 9/12/19 (Weekend, Rest?, Time)

Today was the last day of my class for the week. We have four days of class then three days off. That sounds nice but the work load is pretty brutal. Next week I have something due every single day. By Monday I have to finish around twenty seven pages of work so… ya. But I’m going to try to stick with it because something good can come of this.

I’m not really sure how I’m going to balance out my time. I already know my own limits and if I don’t have some time to unwind I’m not going to be able to keep this up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to spend some time unwinding. Mostly I’m just going to do some extra hygiene stuff like a face mask not to mention sleeping in and cleaning up my room some. I’ve done some of the homework so its not like I’m doing this completely from scratch. Though I have to be careful not to get in a habit of laziness again or I’ll end up slacking off too much.

My mind does feel more active as of late. I had a real passion for the medical industry and study of medicine when I was younger so it just feels like all of this is coming back to me. I’m coming out of my shell somewhat, actually participating in class and asking questions. Right now I understand the material fairly well so my only real problem is the application when I’m finally forced to put what I’ve learned into practice. I always had a problem of falling apart under pressure so if I can’t control that then this will end up failing no matter what.

I think I just need to budget out my time sensibly. After I get back from class all I really want to do is just lay down and turn off my brain. I think its these uncomfortable chairs we’re forced to sit in. I spend most of this class fidgeting in a failed attempt to find a decent way to sit. My back, legs and arms all hurt from doing this for around seven hours a day. Not to mention having to wake up extra early so I can ensure I’m getting to the class on time.

I feel like I need to know my limits here. Can’t move forward if I’m constantly worried about being broken. That being said I will take time to rest when I can. I need to push but not at the expense of my body. I’m fairly young and there’s a bright future ahead of me that I want to experience and it would be very difficult to do so if I’m not physically able to do so. I’ve got so much I want to do.

Currently – 9/4/19 (School, Time, Insecure)

Today started off normal until my mom called me. We went to the school to pay off the final fee and do some other small stuff. My grandma was putting up part of the money so that I can take the class and she wanted to talk to me. She voiced her concerns saying that the class I was taking, which would lead to a job, is for people persons in the sense you have to have good social skills. It was the first time I’ve talked to her in months so it was kind of an unpleasant thing all around. She’s a very nice person in her own right but ever since my grandpa died I’ve started looking at the rest of my family in a more unfamiliar light.

Its not that I haven’t experienced death or the death of a family member before but my grandpa’s death really broke me. I never cried so hard than when I stood at his bedside seeing his lifeless body, or rather I crumpled to the floor. After going through the grieving process I remember the last time I saw him alive weeks before. He walked by me across a hallway. He didn’t say anything but he just stopped for a second and glared at me with such an unfamiliar and unwelcoming gaze. I tried to say something but I couldn’t and he left without saying anything either. Later I found out he was fully aware he was going to pass, in some extent, and had made plans to secure a few people’s futures beforehand. My brother received something from him whereas I feel like he abandoned me right then and there, perhaps seeing something inside of me he was disgusted by.

Of course something like that changed me forever. It felt like his final act as my grandfather was to abandon me. Of course he wasn’t always like that. He was a giant of a man in more ways than one, towering over people with both his stature and presence. He was happy and full of life as well as dedicating himself to helping those less fortunate than him, both in small ways like giving jobs to those who lived on each paycheck day to day and in creating a nonprofit business solely to help the mentally disabled live better lives. Of course this wouldn’t make him a good grandfather but simply a good person. However he was also a good grandfather, always helping his grandchildren and being a beacon for all of us. Or at least I felt he was.

Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone. I started lashing out against other people because I was afraid they would abandon me as well. If my own grandfather, someone who I had known for my entire life and trusted, could abandon me so easily knowing full well he wasn’t going to be alive for much longer then how could I trust anyone else? Its been six years since then and this feeling continues to poison every relationship I have or wish to have.

I think the worst part about it is that my grandfather seemed to be this larger than life figure who always tried to be a good man. Not a single thing he ever did in my life ever made me believe he wasn’t a kind, strong and caring man. So why did this person abandon me? I am I wrong? Evil? Did he see something in me that made him disown me in those final moments? And if that’s the case, why should I see myself as anything different? If one of my personal heroes, a kind and generous man, someone of my own blood, a man who I have never heard a single person say anything negative about, saw something terrible in me… then it had to exist, couldn’t it?

Currently – 8/31/19 (Work, Friend, Time)

Day 1 of my… I’m actually not sure what to call this. I think overtime is the best description. Not so bad, I guess. There were a few annoyances here and there but overall not bad. I effectively just worked my normal shift but with the extra idea of being available just in case, which I wasn’t but either way. Tomorrow I will however have to work a more unusual schedule so got that to look forward to! I’ll get through it, of course.

Nearing the end of the day I decided to text my friend. I haven’t spoken to her in a while so I was interested to see how she was doing. Unfortunately it seems like she had a bad night and wasn’t up to talking. Not sure what happened but I hope she’s alright. Not sure if I can get a hold of her tomorrow but I’ll leave it up to her.

I was actually interested in texting another person but she’s in a different time zone as well and with someone else and I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me to begin with. I sent her a message maybe more than a week ago and she still hasn’t responded. I know she’s aware of me and doesn’t seem to be completely ignoring me so… hopefully she’ll decide to speak to me soon? Ya there was a deep dissatisfied I gave out as soon as I processed that. Though I should be grateful she’s even speaking to me on occasion, I still feel really disappointed there’s this massive wall between us and I keep thinking about climbing or demolishing it but then I just kind of lose energy and sit there. Should this wall be surmounted or surpassed?

On the writing front I weirdly had the desire to do some more writing on my own. It took some time getting over one line in particular but… I finished a chapter. Neat. I think its partially because I’ve been just allowing myself time to process what’s going on as opposed to forcing myself through it. I allowed the block to naturally erode over time and it became a lot easier to move forward. Now that I write this out I’m reminded of that problem I’m having with someone else and feel weird I actually didn’t plan this out. Maybe… I just need to give it some… time? Hm.

Currently- 8/23/19 (Clinic, Laziness, Obligations)

Yesterday my mom informed me that she needed to do something at our actual house which is around a hundred miles away. For context we have a home but its exceedingly far away from where we work so we’re staying in an unusual situation and we just use the house for a glorified storage space for all of the stuff we want but don’t need and can’t fit in our new small space. Anyways so my dad had some doctor’s appointments for the next day so I would have to fill in. Extra annoyance on top of that was I was forced to spend the night with my dad because he’s prone to accidents so I basically just needed to be there in case he needed me. Not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my dad, for a multitude of reasons, I opted to use a very uncomfortable cot in a very uncomfortable position. It took a while but I finally went to sleep and it… wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.

Further adding on to the “Was not as bad as I expected” mood the whole situation with my dad wasn’t the worst. Although we did spend around two hours waiting for a procedure that ended up taking less than ten minutes and then me pushing my dad a pretty decent distance away for another check up, the whole situation was a lot less terrible than I initially was expecting. Not only that but I got some food out of it, a mostly full tank of gas and a hundred bucks for my emergency fund that I had previously drained. So… neat. I guess its sort of my new response to annoying things that has made stuff like this less annoying. I don’t yell and scream about doing something I hate, rather I just sigh and do it. Admittedly that is a bit passive aggressive but… hey, I did it to the best of my ability so you can’t knock me for that.

Something that I’m less proud of is I essentially told myself I wasn’t going to get any work done on my book. I was already expecting the situation to go on for a long time, which it did, and that I wouldn’t have any energy to do any work. Pretty much I just convinced myself I wouldn’t get anything done as an excuse to do nothing. This is something I can be disappointed in myself about. Effort is effort and I can’t blame myself for not meeting expectations. I can, however, blame myself for being kind of dumb. I hope to learn from this.

My current part time job is going pretty decent. The pay is nice, the job is easy and I can fit it into my life sort of well. The one problem I have is it kind of cuts my potential time to hang out with my friend to even lower levels. She’s usually tired after work and I work on weekends so there’s a pretty significant dead zone of any free time in our schedules. I was thinking about potentially getting her on a Friday but texting her today had her say she was playing a game with some friends and would text back later. She never did but I’m not going to hold that against her. Also right now I’m supposed to work right now for a weird time so its put my plan into question. Its been a while since I’ve seen her and that kind of sucks because I feel genuinely happy around her. Oh well, some other time then.

Currently – 8/16/19 (Annoyed, Time, Lost)

Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.

I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.

I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.

I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.

Currently – 8/11/19 (Progress, Time, Sleep)

I’m very happy to say that I actually had a good day of writing. I’m not sure if this means I’m back on track to being consistent but it seems like right now I can write. I did a full chapter which I’m pretty proud of seeing as how its my goal. I think I just needed to hammer away at it until I finally found what felt right to me. After a bit of a rewrite I was back in it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past as of late. Trying to understand why I’m the way I am. I keep going back to my less than happy childhood, when I was starting puberty and friends long passed. I keep thinking of things that were my fault and those that weren’t. I’m not going to go into detail but I keep doing this often. I don’t hate it but it feels like I’m not doing anything productive. I’m not moving on to greater and better things. But at the same time I have a problem looking into the future and ultimately ruining my own expectations.

Sorry for the relatively short post. I’m actually feeling kind of tired right now. I think I’m going to brush my teeth and then go to bed. My back hurts too but that’s my own fault. I’ve been slacking on exercising so hopefully I’ll remember to do some tomorrow. Yoga seems to be my way to go. Apart from that I’m not really sure what else. Some other stuff happened to me today but I feel like its best if I don’t talk about that. In any case, whenever you’re reading this I hope you have or had a good day.