Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.
Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.
An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.
I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.
I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.
Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.
I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.
I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.
Yet another day and yet more work on my book. I finally finished a chapter and it took around three days, which is not ideal but in the spirit of acceptance I’m going to be happy that I finished the chapter at all. I can be annoyed that I didn’t do my chapter a day goal because I am just now getting over a lengthy depressive state or the fact that the words are still eluding me but I think its better to pat myself on the back for what I have done. I’ve always beaten myself up over not meeting my own expectations or lashed out at people for not meeting my own secret expectations I’ve had for them and just started trying to accept it.
I really wanted to text someone today but I decided against it. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the person or the past because I’m kind of tired of doing so, but I feel like I want to accept them for who they are. More often than not they won’t respond back and at first I was scared that I was putting effort into a relationship that was going nowhere so I got angry at them. Now I want to accept this person for who they are and hopefully we both can find some common ground rather than me forcing them to be where I am. Given the opportunity we would both spend days talking to each other non stop but I know that isn’t sensible or possible for a variety of reasons. Maybe some day we can come to a point where we just talk for hours and hours but right now what is here I am satisfied with.
Recently I’ve been thinking of working on another book simultaneously. My biggest problem with doing that is I have, in the past, prioritized one book over the other and stopped writing in the latter all together. This wouldn’t be such a problem if these events overlapped continuously. I’m trying to repress feelings of how amazing it would be to tell this other story in favor of the current one I’m working on. I want to finish this one and if I still have those feelings I’ll go to the other one as well. I need to stick with this one to the end.
As weird as it sounds I’m thinking of taking some… recreational substances. In the past I’ve had no desire to do this because of fear or just not liking it in general. I don’t even drink because I dislike the taste and my normal closed off personality becomes very open and unnecessarily verbose. I’ve heard about the unusual experiences people have on this stuff and they sound interesting. I’m not in it to ‘expand my creativity’ or anything like that but I hear about people who have almost religious experiences and accept themselves on the right substances. I think my biggest fear is from a medical perspective, both from the sense of thinking I could die or potentially getting addicted. Right now I don’t really have the means to do any of it but I would be interested in the near future. Though I don’t want something that’s relaxing and more mind expanding but I wouldn’t refuse something to loosen up a bit either.
I really feel like I’ve grown in these past few months. More so than any time previously. I think its because its summer, weirdly enough. I usually have life changing experiences in the summer where I somehow get pushed out of my comfort zone and get to stretch. I personally kind of like that, to be honest. I don’t understand people that constantly do things you’d see in a stereotypical movie where someone is like “Life is short!” I feel like that’s going to eventually get boring. Obviously expand yourself and your understanding of the world as much as possible but at the same time I feel like you’d ruin potentially life changing experiences. Like there has to be some point where you go to a lost ancient civilization with technology we can’t possibly comprehend or even replicate today… and then get bored because you’ve already done that last week. Obviously not that exact scenario but you get the point… hopefully.