Currently – 11/13/19 (Rejection, Depressed, Sick)

Well I finally did it. I told her, kind of, that I’m interested in her. You may notice the title and realize that this did not go well. Like an idiot the courage I wanted came at a really bad time. I asked her out and, while she didn’t say no, she definitely didn’t say yes… so its a no. Not to be deterred I tried to roll with the punches.

Of course that didn’t work out. Slowly throughout the day she did her best to isolate herself from me at multiple times. This really came to a head when it was lunch time and she practically ran away as soon as possible. Attempting to give her space I took a little longer than I needed but when I finally walked out I ran into her and we said nothing to each other. As luck would have it we passed by each other minutes later and said nothing to each other again.

Obviously by this point I’m feeling like these aren’t just coincidences or just not being aware of the other person. She’s actively avoiding me and its completely my fault. I start feeling really horrible about myself to the point where I’m actively trying to avoid her as well. Ultimately I end up eating lunch alone just to make sure the two of us don’t see each other by accident. I come back to class early to try and be productive as opposed to wallowing in my own sadness.

As the day went on I started to feel really horrible. Starts with a headache that boils into nausea. My body is just turning itself on its head to make me feel even more awful. I try to lay my head down just to rest for a bit but the person sitting at my desk continues to bounce their leg so the table is just rocking the entire time. I really don’t feel like asking them to stop because I’m not really in a talking mood so all I can do is bear it. It gets to the point that I feel so overwhelmed that I have to go to the bathroom and just try to calm myself.

As soon as I get home I just collapse in my bed. I actually just woke up a few minutes ago to eat and to write this. All I want to do is just die in my sleep so I don’t have to face this again. Of course I am lucky enough to have to go in to class tomorrow so I get to relieve all of this again. Joy. Right now I’m just praying for death.

Currently – 9/16/19 (Sleep, Sick, School)

Started out my day in an interesting way: my dad calling me up at 2 am to question me on something he has no knowledge of from being given false information because his mind is so gone he can’t even distinguish between time, sleep schedules and how dark it is outside. So… ya. He woke me up at 2 in the morning just to question me about missing a class… which I haven’t, and my only recourse was to quickly correct him and go back to sleep. My best guess for the reason I woke up was because I thought it was my friend contacting me as I am a pretty deep sleeper. Disappointed to say the least.

Looking at the title you can already guess that I’m still sick, albeit not as bad as yesterday. A few sneezes and coughs with some congestion but I’m still trying to get through the day. I think later I’ll take a long hot shower and then get some tea. Ideally I would just straight up eat some raw onions to clear my sinuses but that’s probably not possible. Instead I’ll just continue to drink as much water as possible in an effort to flush my system.

I did go to school today, partially to spite my dad if I’m being honest. I think my mom saw me on Friday not going to class and immediately assumed without asking me then mentioned it to my dad. My best guess is tomorrow I’ll be forced to correct them to which they’ll deflect their accusatory statement to be one of weak praise. If you can’t tell by my writing tone right now I am pretty bitter.

Anyways, school. We’re starting some more practical stuff now which is my weakness so that’s good. Hopefully I can pick up on all of this stuff so when it is finally time for me to go out into the internship program I can be fully prepared. Still not looking forward to needles. Right now we’re working on checking vitals like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate and something else that escapes me. Like I said the actual practical applications are my biggest weakness so I’m hoping that I can get better at that. In an effort to put myself forward rather than keep my head down I volunteered to be a test subject, so that’s cool.

I guess my biggest worry is about being perceived as creepy. Throughout my time at high school (13-17) I was always the weird guy. I could handle it at times but there were moments where it was unbearable, like a friend of mine making it somewhat clear he believed me to be a school shooter which is always fun to hear from someone you thought was on your side. I actually had somewhat of a conversation with a group of people which was nice. I’m always wary not to move beyond my boundaries so interjecting myself into a currently ongoing casual discussion successfully was a nice boost to my self confidence. Now that I look back on it, today wasn’t all that bad.

Currently – 9/15/19 (Work, Sick, School)

My shift ends in a a few minutes… maybe. Its kind of nebulous. The point is I’m almost done with work. Normally I would have spent all this time playing video games… which, to be fair, I did play a lot of. But the first thing, apart from getting breakfast, I did in the morning was finish my homework. I was kind of annoyed by the large workload but once I put effort into it my annoyances slipped away and I finished it. Helped that I did the brunt of it prior to today so that was definitely a factor. If I keep this up I can definitely do it.

Right now my main concern is immediately going to sleep because I’m suffering with a particularly aggressive cold. I’m not sure why I am, though it could be the fact I keep my fans on throughout the night. I would like to say I’m a generally clean guy but that’s definitely not the case. That being said my body is really used to gross surroundings so I’ve built up my immunity somewhat over my life so getting sick is pretty unusual. I’ll probably keep the fans on and just turn them down. I usually wake up early because my body is going through night sweats or heat flashes and its extremely difficult to go back to sleep if I’m uncomfortable. In the meantime I’ve been putting hot sauce and garlic on my food in an effort to clear my sinuses as well as drinking plenty of tea and water.

Unless I feel really horrible tomorrow I’m not going to take the day off from school. Not only for the fact that I have a very limited amount of times I can be absent or late during the program before I’m dropped without a refund but two other things as well. The first is I usually flake on things. I’ve tried to convince myself its in an effort to help my mental health when situations are bad or to not be forced into bad situations like I used to. The second is the instructor made it very clear that people with a perfect attendance usually get hired more frequently than those without. So there’s a pretty big incentive to keep up with my currently perfect attendance.

Like most days now I’m still met with silence when trying to interact with my friends. I didn’t reach out today but I have a few days ago and still no response. I know that they’re probably busy but I can’t help but internalize it as a problem on my end. I had an urge to try and contact one of them but this silence is preferable to reaching out and finding nothing. I would rather wonder if they don’t want to talk than putting myself out there and having it confirmed that they don’t want to. Most likely I’ll get a message this week but I feel like not even bothering to think about it. If it happens so be it, otherwise life goes on.

I’ve been thinking about saving money for multiple reasons. Not really sure how to go about it. Not in the sense that I don’t know how to save money, although I am actually really terrible about it, rather what should I be working towards. I make an okay amount from my part time, enough to keep me alive and pay off my bills, but what do I want? I though about moving to be closer to someone but they really don’t seem interested in that so that’s off the table. Plus moving with impact my one source of income right now and the place I wanted to move to would require me to get a work visa. I’m just not sure what my path should be right now.

Currently – 8/10/19 (Slow, Stagnation, Halted)

If you couldn’t tell already by the description… today was not a good writing day. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong. My best guess is either I’ve thrown myself out of sync or I need to just do another outline. I think another outline would be the most sensible thing to do. The story itself is fairly short with just around ten chapters (as far as I can see) so I’m hoping each subsequent chapter is easier to write.

Apart from writing I had… a day. Not bad, not good. Talked to someone. The conversation wasn’t pleasant because they were having a bad day. I tried to help them through it but I’m honestly never sure if I’m actually helping someone. Even still, I do like helping others so I’ll always try and be there when they need it.

Also worked today. I’m kind of just waiting for that first paycheck to come in. I’m sort of feeling awkward about asking about it considering its sort of a live in work situation and that could make things uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. At the moment I don’t really need any money so I’m fine there. I hope the paycheck is enough to keep me stable.

A weird thing I’m feeling right now is just exhaustion. I’m not sure why. I mean I texted the person before I was going to bed and I was woken up early by their response, I guess. But even that shouldn’t have put a major impact on me. Right now its really difficult to keep my eyes open, though I can sleep so its not a big deal either way. I was having a pretty bad migraine earlier out of nowhere but I drank some tart juice and that seemed to help. I may be getting sick unfortunately. Hopefully I can stop it before it goes too far.