Currently – 11/11/19 (Shopping, Cooking, Anxious)

Unfortunately I had the day off today… which is a very weird thing for me to say but as I mentioned in the last post, and several other posts prior, I actually like going to class. Not only do I get to see some really nice people that I get to talk to and have fun with but I also get to get out of the house and not engage in bad habits. So whenever I have a day off and I’m genuinely feeling well and I have enough money I like to go out. Not only do I get to buy stuff (if I want to) but I also get to see and sometimes interact with people and I usually walk around more than I drive so its some decent exercise. Also the aforementioned not staying inside to engage in poor behaviors.

So I went to the mall hoping that I would see someone from class but of course that didn’t happen. I went to the bookstore, got some cook books that I’m interesting in reading, especially the baking stuff because I’ve always wanted to be a good baker. I also went to IKEA for the first time just because and I ended up finding some really good vessels that I could use for pickling and also those really nice pop top glass bottles that are used in making kombucha. I still need a scobe and a large glass vessel before I can make some kombucha but I’ve cross a hurdle so its possible that I could start making some very soon.

I also bought some vegetables to pickle later if I get the chance. I should probably look up like a guide or something on that because I’m not really good at pickling. Then again I’m well on my way to doing it so that’s always great to make some progress. I think I’ll go to the store later. I was fishing through the baking book I got and saw a recipe for some no bake brownies which, ya, I know I said I wanted to bake but small steps. Maybe I could make a whole batch and bring some to class tomorrow to share with others… or just eat them all myself because brownies taste good and I have poor impulse control especially when it comes to really good food.

I don’t really know why but there’s supposed to be this like legend or something around 11/11, like if you make a wish on that day its supposed to come true or maybe just like its lucky. Every so often when I look at the clock and see its 11:11 I find myself remembering that’s when people usually make a wish. I’m not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination apart from not wanting to go into creepy places on the off chance there might be ghosts or monsters because I feel like the potential negatives outweigh the positives. I can go into a creepy spooky place and there’s a significant chance nothing happens or maybe this is the one place that evil truly exists and I could die horribly. Basically I’m not going to roll those dice, so to speak, because there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Anyways, so my first thought when I looked at the date a while ago was that this is when people usually make a wish. My wish was to be able to tell this girl I like her. My life hasn’t been really great up until now but recently everything seems to be fitting into place. I just feel like maybe I could go further with this. I could totally just have a rewarding relationship with an amazing person and it could potentially boil over into maybe finding my soulmate and finally being content with my life. How could I pass up that chance? Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the perfect opportunity to say something.

Currently – 11/8/19 (Shopping, Weekend, Food)

I guess I haven’t talked about my finances all that much other than the occasional fear of having nothing. My part time job is enough for all my needs, and I’m definitely thankful for that. The amount itself is nothing great but its enough to pay off the few bills I have on only one paycheck and the rest is essentially mine to spend as I please. There was a time I was saving up to take a trip to London to see someone though that has fallen through so that $700 or so I just used to keep my mind off yet another failed relationship. That isn’t to say I spent it all but I essentially just kept chipping away at it until now I have about half of that left.

Talking to the girl I liked a while ago, even with her minimum wage job, she was asking me about my finances once and was surprised to hear I didn’t really have any savings, at least from the stand point I wasn’t really worried about them. People who know me in person know I’m not someone who likes to hold onto money. I prefer to spend it on others because I feel like it makes them happy and life is short etc etc. Basically if I have enough to pay off my bills and maybe $100 left just to do whatever I feel like with I’m happy. After being fired I kind of started to realize how much more important money is in general. I still, kind of, waste my money but at least I pull myself back every so often just to say “But do I really need this?” Its kind of the same when it comes to how I’m at least trying to be a vegan.

Anyways, I had a check that I decided to cash today so I felt like walking around the mall and at the bookstore. I didn’t end up buying anything, which was somewhat disappointing but at the same time kind of nice because I felt like I had everything I needed. I did go to another store and buy some minor groceries so the day wasn’t completely wasted. Plus I got some walking time in which is always nice.

I’ve been thinking about cooking some more. I bought some rice and beans which is what I was living off of for a while. I’ve been trying to find some deserts that I could make with some basic ingredients like that but I can’t really find anything. Either way I’ve been spending far too much needless money at lunch when I go to class so I’m hoping this will at least shave off a few bucks here and there. I know this all sounds pretty boring but… it was my day so, ya.

I was actually thinking of buying some more cook books but… I mean I have like five already, at least, and I barely look through them at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself in that regard. I guess I’ve been interested in fermenting and making kombucha but I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to do that where I’m staying, let alone where I’d keep some stuff like that. I wonder if I could make something like fermented rice? I’ve been trying to get more fermented foods in my diet for my digestion, which actually really does work for me. I think I have a book on fermentation with me right now so maybe I’ll flip through it and get a few ideas here and there.

Currently – 10/11/19 (Family, Money, Diet)

Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.

If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.

Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.

If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.

I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…