I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.
If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.
Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.
Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.
Its weird how each day I come back to write its usually to talk about how I had a good day at a place most people dream about never going back to. I guess my only real big problem is that I can’t seem to find my footing in the practical aspects of all the work I’m doing. Every so often I’ll hear from someone more knowledgeable that I’ve done something wrong, which sucks because I want to do well obviously. I’m not against failing but what I want to do is learn from that or otherwise just be better. I would rather be chastised for failing than never being able to succeed.
So, anyways, I guess the two things I like are learning and being able to interact with people. My biggest problem with forming relationships is that you have to warm up to me otherwise the relationship will go nowhere fast. So in a setting where I see almost always the same group of people who get to know me a bit better each day that really works out for someone like me, not to mention that every time I talk to one of them (and I am forced to talk to multiple people every day) I get a bit more comfortable not just with them but with myself as well.
Each day I hate myself a little less. That sounds weird but its definitely something I’ve been struggling with for most of my life. So now that I’m in a setting where people basically get to prove those awful thoughts in my head wrong I get to feel a bit better about myself more and more. And it also helps that some of the people seem interested in me as a person and some of my hobbies that I don’t really get to share outside of my own head. I’ve met a lot of nice people and, even though the class has pretty much just started and we have months left together, I’m really going to miss talking to all of these people.
I guess I really just needed some structure in my life. Obviously being fired from two jobs consecutively and being forced to stay at home by myself really took a toll on me, mentally and physically. A lot of people talk about how much they would do if they were given enough time to do it but I was given a considerable amount of time to do anything I wanted and I ended up doing things that didn’t help me whatsoever. Now I really want to get up and go to school, I want to eat better and exercise on occasion. And I, a socially awkward guy who literally used to run away when people talked to me, enjoy talking to people and go out of my way to talk to people both from the sense that I have to but also because I really want to. In short, this feels really nice.
I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.
With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.
Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.
I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.
And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.
Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.
I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.
There’s something weird that goes on each day that I just realized I haven’t discussed. So every day there’s a rhythm. I get to class and, in some way or another, I’m ignored by my peers. Later we section off into groups and I, purposefully, drag my feet so everyone can be with their preferred partner. The class is uneven so I’m always left the odd man out. At first this was just because I was lonely and afraid people would think I was creepy but now its become a way to force myself to interact with people since I kind of have to. And the people still get to be with who they want so there’s that.
Eventually I will walk up to another group and just ask to hang around, or on rare occasions I would be invited to another group. Eventually we would just kind of talk, like peers. This actually feels really nice, whether I’m forced to interact with someone or someone ends up coming to me. It feels like someone wants to be around me, if only for a few moments. I helped some people with an assignment today and it was really nice just to be a part of a group where I was actually useful and no one judged me (at least that I couldn’t see).
Something I didn’t mention is that my dad has been in the hospital for a few days. Something about a blood infection? I don’t know. Anyways my brother tried to get me to visit him yesterday but I was wiped out and said I would do it today knowing I wouldn’t like the experience. My dad continued to be himself, rambling on for almost an hour. Eventually a nurse came in with some pain medication and tried to explain the situation to him calmly but he just kept being argumentative with this nice woman, accusing her of lying. Bless her because she had the patience of a saint.
I left as soon as I could and was on my way home just driving. I wanted to listen to some music or have a video play in the background so I ended up shutting off my GPS just to not be interrupted while I was enjoying whatever I was listening to. Unfortunately my sense of direction has always been really bad so I ended up driving for miles and miles, eventually overshot where I was going and ended up in the wrong direction by nearly thirty miles. Somehow I had ended up in the same city where I went to high school. This wave of nostalgia and annoyance just washed over me before I headed back.
I wondered what it would have been like to just drive into the parking lot and see my old school. I thought about bumping into a former classmate and, them seeing me wearing my scrubs, would ask me about my current job and I’d correct them by saying I was just a student. It felt weirdly good. I don’t often drift back into being a teenager in high school and have fond memories or think about meeting an old classmate with joy. I thought about how far my life has come since then. Who I am, what I’ve done and how much I’ve changed.
I wasn’t a good person in high school, to say the least. I was dealing with a lot of issues at home and in my past that poisoned my mind and turned me into something that I can only look back on in disgust or embarrassment. There are definitely some things I miss like my scalp not being riddled with dandruff or my really really thin frame thanks to my teenage metabolism. But overall I’m happy that I’ve become a more realized person. I dealt with my own sexuality, came to terms with my own toxic behavior and, overall, I think I became a better person… or at least I hope I have.
I know I’ve said this before but I feel like each day I go to this class I feel a lot more comfortable. So today was my birthday, as I’ve said previously. I was sort of the center for attention today for a bit, which was actually not as terrible as I was imagining it to be. Nothing really specific but there was a point where everyone sang to me, which was awkward but its definitely not the worst thing ever. I was definitely embarrassed but the moment passed and I’m totally fine.
A lot of people remembered it was my birthday without me even having to tell them, which was kind of a nice surprise. Like I’m basically this complete stranger and at least three or four people took precious memory in their brains to remember that its my birthday, most of which I hadn’t even mentioned it to whatsoever. I didn’t even mention it the day of. I was just in the hallway waiting for class to begin and this girl I’ve spoken to a few times remembered that it was my birthday and everyone else there that didn’t know just broke out into, seemingly, genuine joy that “Hey look, its his birthday!” At the end of class someone who I had worked with that day not only remembered my name but called me as I was leaving and wished that I would have a great day.
Of course these things don’t always stay rosy. My family… I would say invited but that would imply I had a choice. Well anyways, they… coerced me out to dinner. You ever walk into a room and immediately know you’re not going to feel great. I walk into the room and my dad is just laying on the bed with a catheter strapped to his emaciated chicken legs and within a few seconds my parents just start fighting. After we got into the car it just kept going on from there to the point where I just don’t even really want to talk about it. My first present so far was a printer so I could use it for class so that was definitely an unexpected joy. This will definitely make printing out work immensely easier for me.
I hate to leave this on a dour note so I’ll talk about something I was happy about. This class has also had a secondary effect on me, most notably that I’m a bit more confident in myself. I’m actually going out of my way to talk to people, girls even. Obviously I’m being as respectful as possible because I don’t want to be a creep or a weirdo. I’ve almost completely changed from being the guy who keeps his head down to the person who actively goes up to people and asks them things or just talks to them. Today I talked with a girl that I had never talked to before and we had a fairly pleasant conversation while working together to the point where she was the girl who wished I had a good day at the end of class. So ya, that’s something to celebrate in my book at least.
Yet another day at school. It feels less… painful to go to school on a regular basis. I guess by ‘pain’ what I really mean is frustration or annoyance. Its a very long class and I’m really unsure if I can actually do the work necessary to both finish the class and be able to get my certification once this is all over but there’s the added pressure that my mom, dad and grandma have all put up a considerable amount of money for me to do this. I guess when I go to school I feel tense for a while, then that melts away into being a bit more comfortable and then I go back home to be tense because of the pressure that’s on me to succeed.
So my birthday is tomorrow which I am not excited for. I’ve listed out some of my problems with my birthday in a previous post but I’ll just say that it means a lot to me when really I just don’t want to even think about it. I’ve never understood this huge pressure to have a party or lots of presents in general. I’m not against you celebrating your birthday, and in fact I will celebrate with you happily, but its just everything else around it that just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. All pressure is put on you in a variety of ways when I personally just want to just relax. My idea of a really good birthday is just a day where you don’t worry about anything and, again, I’m not against you if your personal preference is to make something big of it or anything like that.
If I’m being completely honest I’m incapable of reading people whatsoever. I find people who can instantly understand a person via body language or coded language to be like a super power or genetic mutation. There’s this girl in class that I sit fairly close to that I can never get a read on. I don’t talk to her much but sometimes she’ll talk to me, often out of the blue. Before we were leaving class she asked me if tomorrow was my birthday and the only time I really remember telling her that was fairly long ago. So now my mind is racing thinking that I’m someone important enough to have personal information remembered about them. Interacting with people is really confusing…
There’s also a secondary factor that comes with my birthday and that’s analyzing myself. I can’t help but look at who I am, who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished now that I’m turning older and when I look at who I am right now… I honestly can’t pin down something that says I have done anything worthwhile. I mean I have this blog, which is really amazing and again just want to thank all of you for reading this mess, but apart from that? Not much else. I guess that’s also why I don’t like my birthdays. It really just brings it back home to me that I haven’t done anything. I can’t help but wonder if I die tomorrow will I have a legacy? I can’t help but feel like people my age, and even those younger than me, are doing what they want and I just feel really lost and confused.