Currently 12/23/19 – Life, Love, Money

Hey there. Its been a while. Just had the desire to pop in for some reason.

Life has been interesting, to say the least. I suppose not really all that much has changed. I guess I went to a party to see an old friend of mine. Seemed really good but she’s been ignoring a text from me so I’m debating if I might have screwed up somewhere somehow. Though it doesn’t help to dwell on things for so long so I’m trying to move past.

School is pretty much the same as ever but a bit better, I guess. Started getting over this whole being ignored by a person I liked thing a little bit each day. We had a party a few days ago and I decided to make something. I’m never sure if my food is good so my anxiety travels pretty easily over to that. But, to my surprise, I got raving reviews from everyone. The one thing that was weird was this one girl in the class told me that now I could get married because I’m a good cook. Of course I blushed, taking the compliment but also not really sure what she meant by it. Then she said it a few more times so now my mind is racing thinking that she might like me.

I think I’ve had my fill of trying to date people in this class so I’m guessing this just won’t end well. Of course there’s also the idea that I’m currently still jobless so I’m not sure how great of a boyfriend I can be to someone at the moment. I’d like to be with someone but I’m definitely not going to force someone to be with me while I’m unbalanced in any area of my life. Apart from that I never really thought of this girl as someone I’d like to be with but now I’m just thinking about what she could possibly see in me that she’d like. Of course this is all saying that she feels anything for me whatsoever so I think its best that I just go about this as neutral as possible. If she is interested then we could have a conversation about it and if not I won’t have put myself out there again and make yet another girl feel weird around me.

Traveled out to my mom’s place to spend the holidays with my family. Still jobless so I couldn’t buy any presents, unfortunately. I really hate buying presents but I hate it even more when I don’t have anything to give to anyone. I know we’ve been through some stuff and aren’t really totally good with each other but I’d still like to show appreciation for what they have done for me. Right now it just feels kind of weird not having my dad around. This will be the first Christmas without him and I feel like that’s just kind of sinking in.

I guess I’ve been spending my time thinking about love and myself. About the kind of person I am and if I’m ever going to find that special someone. I always wonder what that life would look like. Feels like a dream to me that I could ever feel like I’m fully whole. I keep thinking I need to look inward at myself to find completion but it just feels like I’m missing a vital piece to my life. I just want to be close to someone in such a way that we fill the void in each other, or what have you.

Currently – 11/12/19 (Cooking, Missed, Disappointed)

Last night I cooked for myself for the first time in a long time which felt really good, to say the least. I had some premade tofu just to see how I could have tofu that doesn’t taste like nothing and cardboard and a few other things that were pretty nice. The whole thing really tasted good and I got to save money so that’s a bonus. I’m still hoping I can pickle all the stuff I bought before I forget and it turns to a sour moldly mush but for now I’m eating pretty good. Maybe tomorrow. I still have to look up a guide just to make sure I’m doing this right and I won’t end up wasting a bunch of vegetables.

After class, which I’ll talk about because that was pretty obvious, I went to the store to pick up some butter for these brownies I want to make. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to make it later tonight when I have the kitchen to myself. They’re supposed to be bakeless which sounds cool but time will tell. If I finish making them (and they’re good) I might take some to class tomorrow to share with everyone. Most likely its going to be bad and I’ll just throw it out though. But maybe this will be the first time I can make sweets that don’t look and taste like dog food. Here’s hoping.

Everyday I go here and meet this woman I feel more and more like she’s interested in me. The way she acts, talks, looks at me. My mind is screaming at me to just tell her how amazing I think she is and how I would really like the chance to be someone special to her while my body is just either pumping far too much blood in my brain, giving me a headache, all while staying motionless because I feel like I’m going to explode from the aforementioned blood ripping through my body. I’m not sure what these feelings are because I’ve literally never had them before.

I didn’t have a lot of chances today but there was one moment at the end. I finally decided I was going to spend some time with her and that was that. I used an excuse that I was going somewhere nearby and later I’d just “happen to be nearby! Maybe let’s hang out some more!” But when I got over there my body was just horrible. A painful lump in my throat, my body crackling with hot electricity and my face was on fire. All I could do was stand there and berate myself for being so cowardly, for not standing up and being honest with myself and her. Finally I braced myself and walked back… only to see her walking away. She looked over at me and waved bye and I just felt a deep well of disappointment wash over me.

Maybe this is just how its going to be until the course ends. I’ll just be hopelessly infatuated with her and she will move on with her life and find someone who has some actual courage. I’ll be here as usual, knowing that this is all my fault. Someone amazing came into my life, practically handed me an invitation and I was too chicken to even reach out and take it. To be honest I really just feel deeply sad because I know its just going to end up the same as every other relationship I’ve had in the past. I legitimately just feel like crying and going to be early tonight.

Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 11/5/19 (Class, Relationship, Unsure)

Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.

And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.

The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.

Currently – 11/4/19 (Class, Opportunity, Compromise)

My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.

Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.

Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.

I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.

Currently – 10/23/19 (Class, Work, Cancer)

Each day of class seems to be a little weird in its own way. The day started off great but then some disappointment happened. I feel like talking about it would reveal a bit too much should anyone find this so I’ll just leave it at that. In any case I was pretty bitter. It felt like I was being singled out and I started to get angry, silently, at other people who were doing what I wanted to do. I realized it was childish in the moment so I didn’t make anything of it and tried to make the best of a not ideal situation.

Later in the day I was just feeling off, mostly from seeing my dad yesterday. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn’t let it go. Another small but annoying thing happened later which seemed to compound on my already foul mood. Both events were focused around the person I like which was really the main reason why I was unhappy. Not too long after I was just listening to the lecture when out of the corner of my eye I saw them look over at me but as soon as they thought I was looking they snapped back away. I don’t know, it just felt kind of nice in a weird way. I’ve been trying my best to not assume someone likes me but its little moments like that which make me feel like it might actually be true. That being said, I’d like to take this slow and let it smolder rather than turn into a wildfire.

Caught up with most of my homework so I ‘rewarded’ myself with a bit of goofing off, though I think I’ll try to do some extra work so I can have more free time to do whatever I want during the weekend or what have you. At work I remembered something and asked my supervisor. Unfortunately they remembered that one of my coworkers was going to be absent on a particular day that I usually have off and I, both wanting more money and being somewhat of a door mat, agreed to take the time. Problem is that time, as far as I’ve been lead to believe, is a volunteer time I took in order to both have something to put on my resume but also hang out with this special person. I was planning on asking them afterwards if they wanted to hang out, as the both of us would have the rest of the day off, but alas more annoying stuff unfortunately.

My family has had way too many run ins with cancer. There is, of course, my dad who is in hospice from his cancer, my mom who had a scare but also another relative who had a mastectomy a while ago. I’ve been really self conscious because a lot of people who I am related to by blood seem to be contracting it left and right. Making matters worse is I’ve noticed an abnormal growth underneath my arm. At first I thought it was a bug bite and it would go away but it hasn’t for a few days. Obviously I’m kind of freaking out and now my mind is making up a bunch of other things to signify that it is cancer and since I don’t (as far as I know) have any health insurance I’m not sure how much it would be to go to the doctor to get a biopsy or x-ray to check and make sure its nothing. Not to get too graphic but right now the only method I can think of is to get a sharp knife and… perform surgery on myself. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Currently – 10/22/19 (Class, Effort, Father)

Due to some events today I got to spend more time with the person I like. We talked and it was really nice and I got to know more about them. I was planning on asking them to hang out some time but I chickened out a bit but I kind of hinted at it so there’s that. Small victories, I suppose. Either way I enjoyed talking to them and learning more about them so its definitely a win-win.

The more posts I write on this blog the more… paranoid I get that someone in my life will discover it and put the pieces together. For some stuff its kind of just embarrassing but for others, say if I was attracted to someone and wanted to be in a relationship with them, could blow up in my face really easily. Its somewhat irrational but at the same time its a fear nonetheless. As it stands I’ll try to keep information as brief and vague as necessary. Even if the person I liked discovered that I liked them via this blog and felt the same way there’s also the fact this blog goes back a lot further and I’m not exactly proud of every single post’s content.

That being said, something happened in class which really made me think about the effort I’m putting in. I got back a test with a score that I was less than happy with. It was passing but just barely and came with a bunch of caveats like the fact I missed a few questions simply for being impatient. Both from the standpoint that the class is expensive and a few of my family members put up the money to have me go I definitely have an incentive to put that little extra bit of effort in. I’ve said this before but I really want to be a better and more complete person, as well as actually pass the class and potentially get a better job.

After class I was driving back home when my mom called me. My dad is pretty much in his last days at this point and she made it clear I should see him as he isn’t going to last much longer. Problem is they’re staying over a hundred miles away and I still have to put the work in for this class on a constant day to day basis. But I caved to her wishes and drove to see him. He wasn’t even really aware I was there and I could see the pain in both my mom and brother’s faces as they must have been caring for him for a while. I still have my hang ups about the man but I’m not cruel enough to deny him seeing me one final time before he passes on.

The scene really reminded me of something from my past. My dad, brother and I traveled to see his family out of state halfway across the country. The trip was fine until we went to a hospice center where I found out my grandmother was in her final days confined to a hospital bed as Alzheimer’s was slowly taking away everything she had. I never knew her despite having a single picture with us together so meeting her felt like I was looking at a stranger. In an effort to not be rude I complied with my dad’s wishes to talk to this woman who wasn’t even aware any of us were there. I said things that I thought were appropriate but didn’t feel, not from the standpoint of being cold or dislike of the woman just that I didn’t know her. So now I sat at what will most likely be my father’s final bed simply being nice to a person I was lukewarm at best with for a significant portion of my life. May I be a better father and man than he was.