Currently – 11/7/19 (Feelings, Opportunities, Restless)

I decided to shake things a bit up today by getting closer to the girl I like and some of it was pretty overt. Good news is she didn’t pull away but she did comment on it as an after thought. Again, my first an primary goal is to not make her or anyone else feel uncomfortable so if she says no then I stop. In any case, it feels like we’ve gotten a bit closer but unfortunately there’s still a gap I feel needs to be crossed. I was planning on hanging out with her this weekend but she’s going to be busy so I can’t really help it.

Later I started metaphorically beating myself up because I thought about pulling her aside and giving her my number to call me over the weekend. We’re also working on a project so I could have used that as an excuse. However the more thought I gave it I decided she wasn’t really in the right mood and the situation wasn’t really ideal. Either way I feel like I should bring it up the next time we meet and maybe introduce the idea of talking outside of class.

I’m fine with taking a relationship slow if its good so this isn’t really a problem for me. What I ultimately want is to just be close to someone. Sometimes I feel as though every one else gets to have that stuff and I keep getting left behind. Well right now I found someone who seems interested in me and I absolutely can’t let this pass me by without trying. I’ve learned the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” definitely applies to me. The more I put myself out there the better I feel, the more experiences I attempt to gain the more complete and whole I feel. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually, legitimately, in the right place in my life to start a healthy and meaningful serious relationship and not doing this just because I’m lonely. I want to share my life and love and everything else with this person and, for once in my life, I feel like those feelings could be reciprocated.

Currently – 10/26/19 (Health, Weekend, Restless)

Continuing my current health update the growth I thought was cancer turned out to be (at least from the doctor’s perspective) an infected gland. My treatment is some antibiotics and a warm compress to the affected area. As far as it feels the treatment seems to be working so I’m glad. Right now the pain and hardness has decreased but I still feel pain. That being said I’m definitely grateful that it seems to be working. I had my doubts but right now everything is telling me this isn’t as serious as I thought it was.

I still have some annoying effects right now. The area is really close to my lung, which was one of my major worries believing that if it was cancer it would have spread to my lungs, and as a result I keep coughing up… stuff that’s most likely come from the infected area. I’m doing my best to keep what I’m saying as not gross as possible but there’s not really much I can do. There doesn’t really seem to be any way I can get rid of this for the moment so I just kind of have to suffer with the pain and gross coughs. All things considered I much rather prefer this to lymphoma or lung/heart cancer.

I’ve said this before but that minor brush with mortality has me really thinking more about my future, more specifically about who I want to be in my future. I’m trying my best to think of this person realistically as well as respect their space. I want them to feel comfortable around me, not necessarily for the express purpose of being in a relationship with them but more so because I’m having a lot of fun with them. I think the next time I see them I’ll try to introduce the idea of getting closer to gauge how they feel. Unfortunately I have to wait another full day and a few hours before I can do that so I’ll just be sitting here thinking about the best thing to say.

Right now I kind of feel like getting on the treadmill, as weird as that sounds. My guess is that if I do some exercises then I’ll be able to potentially get this gunk out of my chest. Unfortunately I can’t do stuff like push ups because my arm is in a pretty decent amount of pain and even just using it to get off the bed hurts far too much. That being said my legs are working perfectly fine and I keep staring at this treadmill that’s just sitting here. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. The pain isn’t debilitating and the coughing isn’t getting in the way too much but if some light exercise could help me pass all this stuff by either pushing it out or just making my body stronger to fight off the infection I’m definitely all for it. Maybe before I go to bed so I can have a decent night’s sleep or a better morning not being forced to run to the trash can and gag for a few minutes. That was certainly unpleasant this morning…

Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

Currently – 10/14/19 (Confused, Restless, Unsure)

I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.

With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.

Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.

I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.

Currently – 9/30/19 (Better, Restless, Alone)

I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.

Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.

I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.

I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.

Currently – 9/25/19 (Class, Work, Restless)

I feel like I’m saying the same thing about this class everyday. “How was this class? It was good.” Truth is boring I guess. But I’d rather be pleasantly bored than miserable. I guess my biggest problem is I need to get a handle on the workload. I’m starting to get the hang of it. This is first night in a while where I finished before I got back home so I’ve just been relaxing.

I guess since its almost the weekend I’m going to be working again. I’m definitely grateful to have this job. I can’t really go anywhere or do much but I have enough money and that’s really what I’m after right now. Obviously I’d like to be able to better my current situation but things could be a lot worse and I’m not going to shake the boat when the waters are calm, so to speak.

Part of the reason why I’m able to relax is because I did the work on time thanks to me reducing the time I spent on dumb stuff. Not completely removing, just reducing. Trying to get my priorities in order so I can be a somewhat not complete waste of space. Really I just look at people working and surviving and wonder how they do it. I guess my biggest problem is I don’t really have any work ethic or ambitions. I mean I do have ambitions and things I want to do or accomplish but ultimately I just kind of feel like having just enough and unfortunately that doesn’t really foster creativity.

I guess I kind of just want security but extra. Like I want just enough to survive and also a little bit more. I don’t think that’s greedy. Really I just feel like having the base essentials to survive and finding what I can do with that. Where I can go and how I can feel. I’m not against people thriving but I just think of how much work people put into the possibility of something better and that kind of just turns me off. I think I’d like to change that, if I’m being honest.