Today I was mostly productive like I wanted to be. Did some much needed laundry, shaved a bit and even used a face mask which… I’m not sure does anything but its something that feels like it does something which is the effect I was looking for. I also did some homework which felt… okay. I guess its just reminding me how massive this work load is. Literally multiple pages of homework.
I tried texting my friend and she… did not respond. Kind of made me feel miserable. I kind of had this “Screw it, I want to talk to her and beating around the bush isn’t going to do that” type mood. I think it makes me feel awful from the standpoint that I put myself out there only to realize that I’m alone here. I just wish I didn’t feel terrible when my desire for affection or connection goes unrequited. Then again she does have a habit of coming back some time later so… probably just need to wait. For now I will sulk and reread messages trying to find if I somehow offended her in some way and the best way to apologize until she comes back with a much more reasonable response as to why she wasn’t answering that will take around five seconds. Yay…
All of these feelings make me want to be a robot. Just something that doesn’t have to feel these emotions and just goes through life cold and logically. There’s supposed to be this balancing act of bad to good. Like stuff is bad but eventually it (ideally) should be balanced out. I feel alone right now but then there’s the elation of human contact and someone genuinely caring about me. Unfortunately those good moments are few at best and the space between them where misery takes root is thick and constant. There’s some part of me that knows one day I’m going to be so happy I will forget all about what being sad felt like. Full and rewarding job, get married to my soul mate, the joy of seeing my first child, growing old with someone I have a genuine connection with. Then again none of that is guaranteed.
Is it really worth suffering through all of this in the off chance that potential good could come of it? Will I find peace and happiness? Is all of my effort wasted? If I’m being honest I don’t necessarily want to feel happy or good, I just want the absence of pain or anguish. Misery doesn’t necessarily predate joy. In fact bad feelings don’t give way to good feelings. After I feel terrible I just have this numbness that eventually fades. When you’re hurt you don’t immediately feel better once the pain is gone, you’re just finding peace in the nothing. There’s solace in absence but not happiness.
Today was the last day of my class for the week. We have four days of class then three days off. That sounds nice but the work load is pretty brutal. Next week I have something due every single day. By Monday I have to finish around twenty seven pages of work so… ya. But I’m going to try to stick with it because something good can come of this.
I’m not really sure how I’m going to balance out my time. I already know my own limits and if I don’t have some time to unwind I’m not going to be able to keep this up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to spend some time unwinding. Mostly I’m just going to do some extra hygiene stuff like a face mask not to mention sleeping in and cleaning up my room some. I’ve done some of the homework so its not like I’m doing this completely from scratch. Though I have to be careful not to get in a habit of laziness again or I’ll end up slacking off too much.
My mind does feel more active as of late. I had a real passion for the medical industry and study of medicine when I was younger so it just feels like all of this is coming back to me. I’m coming out of my shell somewhat, actually participating in class and asking questions. Right now I understand the material fairly well so my only real problem is the application when I’m finally forced to put what I’ve learned into practice. I always had a problem of falling apart under pressure so if I can’t control that then this will end up failing no matter what.
I think I just need to budget out my time sensibly. After I get back from class all I really want to do is just lay down and turn off my brain. I think its these uncomfortable chairs we’re forced to sit in. I spend most of this class fidgeting in a failed attempt to find a decent way to sit. My back, legs and arms all hurt from doing this for around seven hours a day. Not to mention having to wake up extra early so I can ensure I’m getting to the class on time.
I feel like I need to know my limits here. Can’t move forward if I’m constantly worried about being broken. That being said I will take time to rest when I can. I need to push but not at the expense of my body. I’m fairly young and there’s a bright future ahead of me that I want to experience and it would be very difficult to do so if I’m not physically able to do so. I’ve got so much I want to do.
So I actually did do some productive stuff today. Not much but its something. Basically just stretched out my body a bit pretending it was light exercise. All joking aside it was something marginally healthy that I can do and it wasn’t hard at all. If I do it often I could maybe get into better shape but also make it a habit. My biggest problem with exercising is I do a bit, put it off and forget about it until its too late.
Tomorrow I’m going to be starting my overtime work, I guess you could say. It was a bit more complicated when it was explained to me, and if I’m honest I forgot most of the explanation, but I think I can do this. Its just for two days, like always. My work hours have just been increased. The extra money will be nice to have and I know I can do this.
I’ve been noticing some weird changes in my body as of late. Yesterday I talked about how my eye just started hurting for seemingly no reason. Well I checked afterwards and I just have this bruise underneath my eye? I don’t even know how it got there. As if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve got this mark on my shoulder that is only now healing up. Sometimes it just feels like my body is rotting away.
Last post (I think) I said I was going to try and work on what was bothering me and take a break from writing for a bit while I solved it. I tried… kind of. I forgot to text a friend which was my actual method for maybe getting out of this funk so… my bad. I think tomorrow I’m just going to write down, physically that is, whatever comes to my mind. I was always better writing when it goes down on an actual page. Not in terms of penmanship but like retaining information.
In the meantime I kept busy. Rewatched an anime I really liked: Blue Exorcist. I kind of prefer anime a bit more as opposed to other media but that’s neither here or there. I feel like constantly playing video games is just sapping me of creativity which is why I try to not play as much anymore and never before I need to write. I still like video games but moderation is best. I have some… bad habits and I like to keep myself focused on something. Normally that would be a job on weekdays but I can’t have everything. Soon I’ll be going to classes so maybe that will help.
This weekend I’m going to be working A LOT more than usual. Not going too much into detail but its potentially going to be a challenge. I took the opportunity for three main reasons I guess. First is that I need the money, second is I want to be trusted more and third was sort of because I was caught off guard. I think I can do it. Shouldn’t be too hard. And maybe I’ll get a nice bit of money out of it so I can do other stuff or just pay off my bills regularly.
I still feel pretty bad in general but its getting better every day. I keep feeling alone but it feels like something I can actually deal with a bit better. I still want to talk to people but I can’t as much as I like and so be it. In terms of physical pain my eye is kind of hurting right now for some reason. I think I’ll drink some more water if its dehydrated and maybe put something cold on it. Plans for tomorrow are a bit of exercising, writing and maybe doing something productive like washing my clothes and/or sheets.
Like I said in my last post if I was still having chest pains today I was going to take a break from writing and I was still in pain, albeit much less than previously but still. Mostly just spent the entire day not worrying about that stuff. I feel a lot better, now with only some stiffness in my chest, so I think tomorrow I will start writing again. Ideally I would like to go to the doctor and get a check up but since I have no health insurance that’s probably not really going to happen. I guess I just have to tough it out and hope that its not serious.
No one really wanted to talk to me today which I kind of feel down by. I texted two people the day before, received no responses and today they haven’t responded either. Never really sure what people are thinking, whether they want to talk to me ever again or not, so I just kind of sit here and be sad. I don’t know which would be worse, to just sit here and wonder if people dislike me or try to talk to them and be told in with no ambiguity that they don’t like me. I guess the latter means I won’t have to waste my time on them but still would hurt.
I… might try to talk to them tomorrow. Might. Usually it ends up that they come back and say “Sorry I was busy”/”Didn’t see your message”. Which I always feel is a lie but at least they’ve attempted to not hurt my feelings so at least there’s that. I get that life gets in the way of that stuff but I can’t help but feel that after a certain point that I’m the only one they do this to. Do you treat others like this or is it just me? Again I feel like it would be better not to know this but also if I was told “No I only treat you like this” then I would feel nice because I would never have to waste my time with this person anymore.
I guess it would be healthier to voice my feelings. Maybe they don’t understand that they’re putting me through this and they’ll eventually change because they do want me in their life. I guess its just my poor opinion of myself. Don’t really feel like I deserve much of anything whatsoever. I keep trying to tell myself that I deserve to be happy but I can’t tell if I actually feel like that or I’m just lying to myself to not feel terrible. Do I actually want to know?