Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 7/23/19 (Effort, Attempt, Resolved)

While I didn’t do it for the entire day I actually tried to write some. For whatever reason the words just weren’t flowing from me. I guess I have to get back into the rhythm of just writing in general, regardless if I feel like it or not. At least I can say I actually tried this time as opposed to not at all. So that’s some progress, I guess.

I’m thinking of a half remembered quote by Akira Kurosawa. Something about how people think that writing is supposed to come naturally when in fact you just need to force yourself to do it. Don’t wait for the inspiration just go out and write. I wish I could remember the entire thing or just the actual right words but its somewhere along those lines. Despite knowing and being aware of that I just can’t push myself right now. Maybe later.

Tonight was family night and I skipped it. Free food isn’t worth having to see my dad. I had to make up a lie and just said my body was in pain. Weirdly enough I started to actually feel like I was in pain. I think it was my own way of torturing myself. I think I deserve it. I’ve been pretty dumb as of late and I can’t blame anyone but myself. I desperately want to go back in time and fix my mistakes.

I keep thinking about reincarnation. The idea that once I die instead of going to an afterlife or becoming nothing I just restart somewhere. If its real I hope I remember my mistakes. Remember all the stuff I did wrong so I don’t repeat it again. Who knows, maybe the next time I finally get this right. Next time I finally live the life that I should have lived all along.

Currently – 7/13/19 (Ashamed, Therapy, Resolve)

Last night I did something stupid and basically forced her hand. I think in my mind I was trying to leave but it ultimately sounded like, both to me later and to her, that I was trying to manipulate her. We had a very unpleasant conversation which I attempted to end prematurely. Fortunately she wasn’t having it and called me on the phone to tell me what she was feeling. It was awkward but I think it ended on the best note, me understanding that I was wrong.

I’ve thought a lot about going to therapy but I’ve always shied away from it. When I had two jobs I wasn’t able due to time constraints, single job was out of fear and now unemployed I simply don’t have the money to do it. But instead of making excuses I want to go, if only for myself. The idea of me being in a healthy place seems like a fantasy but one I want to explore.

I’m not going to say I was the good guy in this situation, not by a long shot. What I thought was attempting to repair a relationship was in reality me harassing someone who had never been anything but nice to me. I’m saying this not to gain sympathy but to be honest with you and myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do this but I need therapy, badly. If I’m being honest I really do want it. Hopefully I can come out on the side a much better, or at the very least, aware person. Thank you for your patience.

Currently – 6/20/19 (Apathy, Depression, Resolve)

Well I guess this is the first time its happened. As I’m writing this I’ve missed my own deadline that I put forth. I was trying to keep this as a constant that I would always make it on time. But things change. It was going to happen so… not really surprised.

Today I felt especially down. Depression really isn’t the word for it but its pretty close. A combination of my continuing and untreated depressive state combined with the fact I was groggy from a nap I decided to take I literally did not feel like myself. My body was so numb all I could do was sit in the car and watch the world go by. Time seemed like a foreign concept to me.

My parents enrolled me in a trade program. Starting next month I will start my training to become a medical… something. I forget. The basic idea is that its going to pay well and I could get a good job out of it. I’m still in a sort of fugue like state from continually getting beaten down so its hard to get excited or happy about anything at this point. For context the last time I felt like this was when my grandfather died. After the tears I sat in a bathtub without moving, my mind imprisoned in my body.

Nothing seems to be going right whatsoever. Every attempt I try to get out of this place seems to bring me all the way down again. I think the problem is that I’m bringing myself up so getting brought back down is much worse. Now my mind is in this state of believing that I shouldn’t get up at all. Just stay down. It will hurt less.

My research is going somewhat well. I decided to take the day off because it wasn’t helping my mood at all. Its close to the point where I can start editing it and, eventually, probably get it self published. Ideally I’d like to publish it and get it into book form but I’ll settle for this. Pretty much every single thing in my life right now is telling me to lay down and not move forward. But that’s just not possible. Life doesn’t work that way. I’ll keep fighting till I can’t fight anymore. I have no other option.

Currently – 6/13/19 (Damage, Disappointment, Resolve)

Really disappointed with myself today, even though I know it was out of my control (to some degree). Woke up in pretty significant pain from previous day’s work. Mostly just my neck, back, legs and arm. Basically just “All of the things I would use to work feel bad”. I called up my boss to say I wasn’t coming in which I knew wasn’t going to go over well but he was surprisingly decent about the situation. This job is really taking a toll on my body but I feel like I need to work around that personally. It seems like a decent job with a lot of learning potential and growth for the future so I want to actually do well at this.

The main reason why I’m disappointed is because not only is this REALLY early on in this job that I’ve already called in sick but its a pattern I used to engage in with my last job. Of course there were a few times where I was physically unable to come in but other times I just wasn’t feeling like it due to personal/home problems so I used sick days as an excuse to unwind. I’ve really been trying to get away from doing that for various obvious reasons and I definitely don’t want to take that with me into the rest of my adult life.

I’ve been pretty much beating myself up all day because of this, not to say that I did this because I was lazy I did have good and legitimate reasons. I want to be a responsible adult that does the job well and is thought of as a good worker. Partially because the pay would most likely be better but also I’m just tired of being a slacker. That stuff was… not fine but somewhat acceptable in my early years but I’m getting to that point where most people settle down and get into the groove of who they are and all that. I don’t want to be a slacker.

So for this resolution I am going to make myself promise to not screw around. I need to be a better person. I need to put in the effort to make this work. I’m going to use this job as an opportunity to benefit myself. I’m going to become a better more diligent person. I want to succeed. I want to excel. I’m going to give this my utmost amount of effort to be the best employee and person that I can be.