Currently – 10/6/19 (Work, Friend, Class)

Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.

Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.

Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!

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Currently – 9/19/19 (School, Home?, Anxiety)

Yet another day of school. I’m starting to warm up to this place a bit, although it would be better to say I’m warming up to my fellow classmates and the teacher to some extent. I guess I should talk about my teacher a bit, though not in length so I don’t get doxxed because I like this anonymity. Teacher is a really nice woman who seems knowledgeable with the subject she’s teaching which is always great. She’s really attentive and willing to work with us on any problems we have. Monday(?) she took a bit of a time out to help me look for a piece of non existent homework I was unaware I was supposed to finish and didn’t get mad or disappointed that I hadn’t finished it or essentially wasted her time. She genuinely makes this seven hour+ class a bit more bearable.

My thought going into this program was that I was just going to sit my head down and just be the quiet kid who just did the work and got out without talking to anyone. Thankfully I have a lot of nice people pushing me out of my comfort zone and they’re not immediately stopping me from growing. In the past I would have these occasional bursts of trying to be a more social person but always I was met with a look or something that basically said “Know your place”. Obviously that’s not really good for someone’s social growth. Long story short, high school was rough and the fact I had any friends after it ended is a miracle in and of itself.

I cut my hair yesterday in the evening to basically make sure I couldn’t back out of this. I wanted to cut my hair but I put it off for too long but now its done… and I’m actually glad about it. It doesn’t look great but I don’t look like a clown so I’m counting this as a positive. And, even better, some people noticed and actually liked it. I got there early in the morning and had a nice chat with one of the women in the class. I talked about my fears and she commented on my hair cut and just, in general, it was a nice casual way to brighten up my day. The woman I talked about before also commented on it which was nice because I have this idea in my head that I wasn’t creepy to her.

I’m starting to think she might be attracted to me but I’m honestly not sure. It seemed like she was looking for me early in the morning just to maybe use me as a guinea pig for our morning routine, which I would have liked because she was easy to work with and actually helped me through the process. She generally seems like a quiet somewhat shy person, somewhat similar to me but I’m going to go out on a limb and say she doesn’t have anywhere near my messed up brain so she could actually be… normal. Of course she is most likely just being nice to me as the two of us, along with the rest of our group, has to be together for a full school year (around nine months) and potentially be stuck together at the same work place so it would be beneficial for all of us if we were just decent with one another. I think it would be best if I just treated her as a coworker and, if anything should sprout, then so be it but definitely don’t expect anything or try to move forward with her for a variety of reasons.

Apart from that I actually got to partner up with one of the other few men in the class. This guy is the classic cool kid, stays in the back row, talks and jokes with girls constantly while slacking off. That was my impression of him at first but I kind of got him wrong. He seems to actually be trying and following stuff. He does do some other things that made me have that impression but he’s actually trying and I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I fully admit I stereotyped this guy and I’m glad that he really seems to be going for this as a serious career. Good for him.

Back at my place something annoying happened. I’m not going to get into detail but I sat down fully ready to melt away the stress of working a lot to be greeted by another, more annoying, stress. Tomorrow I have a free day so I’m hoping that I can just relax a bit… while also cleaning my entire room but also focusing on taking away my worries. Tonight I’m just going to relax but tomorrow I’m going to try and finish all of my homework for next week and study for a test coming up. Its really important to work hard and diligently but also equally important to know when its time to put down your work and take a breather, even if its just for a few minutes. Right now I’m going to try and relax while my worries pass me by.