Currently – 11/3/19 (Work, Betterment, Feelings)

Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.

Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.

Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.

Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.

Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently – 11/1/19 (Volunteer, Work, Relationships)

Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.

Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.

So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.

Currently – 10/30/19 (Class, Relationships, Effort)

Today was a little unusual but nothing that really needs mentioning in specific details. What I was proud of was how easily I was able to handle it, I suppose. I kind of just rolled with the punches, metaphorically speaking, and came out on the other end pretty okay. I guess putting myself out there is really helpful, both for my life in general but also growing as a person. Doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, even if just for a moment, has really made my life a lot better. I’ll definitely try to do more of it though in a sensible and grounded way over a period of time. I’m not going to do anything crazy like going bungee jumping any time soon… or ever if I’m being honest.

As you can probably tell I don’t really have a great track record with relationships. In a general sense but more so in my ability to accurately understand how people feel about me and how to properly process this. Lately I’ve been noticing that people kind of keep glancing towards me or trying to get closer. My first instinct is to just dismiss this as a one time thing or just something I noticed but often times I’ll be reminded of this and I can’t help but try to figure out what they’re feeling. I guess its because I haven’t had any friends for a long time, though that’s not to say I’ve never had any just the ones I’ve had have been there for literally over a decade so I’ve come to be familiar with all of their actions and etc to the point where I can easily just read what’s going on with them. So I keep getting looks from, specifically women, in my class on occasion which I think I’m going to just assume it was an occasional thing that doesn’t really merit putting much thought into.

Unfortunately today was not the day that I was able to ‘confess’ to this person my feelings, for better or worse. Kind of goes hand in hand with the unusual day and I’m going to take this as a sign the universe has told me that I should probably not confess my feelings any time soon… I think. Okay ya this is pretty frustrating just trying to both be honest but also find the exact right time for everything to actually work and not leave me a sobbing mess over ruining another good thing. So… I have no idea what to do as usual.

I think the problem is I’m trying to read this person’s actions as being a way to essentially clue me into the idea they’re into me but those cues aren’t universal (as I’ve figured out over a near lifetime of trying to apply them to every day life). I guess its like that devil/angel on the shoulder but in my case its two dueling ideas both screaming opposing things in each ear. I really really really want to get to know this person better and form a relationship with them but I’m also afraid of what may happen should I fail. Though I guess it could tie into my beginning statement about how getting out of my comfort zone actually is good. However that kind of only works when I’m doing it to myself and doing it to another person may not be what they want at all.

I have time to sort this out but definitely not an infinite amount of time. All of these great qualities I see in this person are qualities others see in them and most of those people may also see them as desirable. I’m not going to treat this person like a prize or an object, they absolutely do not deserve that. They are a person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I understand this and accept it. Unfortunately it feels like I’m at an impasse. I can go no further with my current abilities. What is in front of me must be surmounted or abandoned.

Currently – 10/29/19 (Class, Relationships, Family)

I keep telling myself “Today is the day I say the truth” but it always gets pushed back for one reason or another. I didn’t necessarily have a good opportunity today either but it was much better. I guess I’m just afraid they’ll answer the way I think they will: reject my feelings towards them because I misunderstood the situation and now I’ve lost a friend because I wanted a partner. Tomorrow, if the stars align and all things go well, I’ll try to put forth that idea. Though the two of us are going to be doing an extra assignment on our day of so that could end up backfiring pretty harshly. Though right now I just feel like I need to say it because if I don’t I’ll never know and I honestly can’t tell which is worse: being rejected or never knowing.

I guess I’m just tired of being alone. Its not really about sex or anything like that, really I just want someone to come home to or to have a person who I know is on my side. Someone who’s going to make me a better person simply by the merit of me wanting to become a better person just for them. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way but that’s how it feels for me and saying otherwise doesn’t feel honest, not to you or myself. Right now all I want to do is to be accepted by someone and never have to second guess their feelings or actions.

On that same note, my mom texted me during class adamant to get me to come home for dinner. ‘Home’ is three hours away just to get there, thirty bucks worth of gas and reminds me my dad is going to die either this year or the next all while I have a test I have to study for tomorrow. One of the ways she tried to get me to go was by asking about my current diet and whether or not I could eat something. She was being really accepting but we’ve already been through this a few years ago. I said I was going vegan and she launched into a diatribe about how this and that and talked about a lot of weird conspiracy theories she heard on conservative radio talk about how cattle farmers are “really decent people and cows are not hurting the climate!” Needless to say we had a fight about this when the actual part of what I said was “I’m going vegan because I’ve heard there’s a lot of bad stuff going on around, both with the environment and health wise, and can’t eat animal products without having these new pieces of information stuck in my head.”

I’ve never really had a good relationship with my family. We’ve always been combative with each other and I can’t say that I wasn’t partially to blame. However the biggest problem I have is with acceptance. It genuinely doesn’t feel like my parent’s are going to accept my diet, my otherwise sensible lifestyle choices or my sexuality. First and foremost its important that I accept myself otherwise I’m going to live a miserable life and if my parents don’t accept me while I’m alive I’m not going to care all that much. That being said it doesn’t feel great to know that each day you’re living your life you have this thought at the back of your mind reminding you that all you are is denied by those who created you and the less I dwell on those thoughts the better.

Currently – 10/28/19 (Exercise, Class, Feelings)

Last night I decided to do some exercise. It wasn’t a lot and the effort was pretty low but I think there was definitely a psychological aspect of it. I took a shower last night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Normally I’ll just look and get depressed but at the moment I kind of laughed and ‘jiggled’ my folds a bit. I’m not really fat I’ve just got some personal problem areas. Anyways it was kind of nice just to look at my not ideal body and think “Ha, that’s kind of funny.” In any case I decided to walk on the treadmill for a bit before bed. I’m not sure if it did much but I feel like it was a good activity, especially considering the stuff I usually do before bed isn’t really all that productive.

Class again today and it was pretty good. Talked to some people (I will elaborate later), did some work and generally had a very productive day. I also got back a test I took and got a pretty high score on it. I have this mentality of looking at what I’ve done, praising the effort I put in but always striving to do better and I think that’s working for me. The score was high but I definitely could have done better. Unfortunately I forgot to do some homework which I am disappointed about so it couldn’t have been all that good. That being said I did have a productive conversation with a professional and, apparently, gave them some interesting ideas and they seemed genuinely interested both in my personal opinions but also in the ideas I gave them.

And of course there was that special person. At both times this is really nice and frustrating: nice because I get to spend time with them but also frustrating because I just want to get my feelings out there to see if there’s something here. Today we had a bit more time to talk one on one as well as getting to know one another better, which is always nice. I kind of feel like they were pushing me, at least somewhat, into confessing my feelings but literally every time I’ve thought that before I have always been wrong so I will try to put forth my feelings in a more… sensible way. I had a few opportunities to introduce the idea of us spending more time together but some of those times they were forced to be with me so I felt like that would have made them extremely uncomfortable and the other time didn’t seem ideal for its own reasons that I can’t really pin down.

I think the best course of action is to just say I would like to spend more time with them and leave that extra bit up to context. Though I feel as though if I say that they may get the wrong idea and it could end up blowing up in my face. What would be nice is to give them my phone number and we could chat occasionally… though that could also end poorly. I really hate this whole song and dance. It seems so obvious to me that they like me but I know from past experiences that I can’t trust myself. But I know, more than anything, its better to put my feelings out there and know for sure. But at the same time I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable in the slightest. I really feel like going to sleep for a while right now…

Currently – 10/27/19 (Work, Health, Class)

I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.

Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.

I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.

Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.

Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.