Currently – 11/11/19 (Shopping, Cooking, Anxious)

Unfortunately I had the day off today… which is a very weird thing for me to say but as I mentioned in the last post, and several other posts prior, I actually like going to class. Not only do I get to see some really nice people that I get to talk to and have fun with but I also get to get out of the house and not engage in bad habits. So whenever I have a day off and I’m genuinely feeling well and I have enough money I like to go out. Not only do I get to buy stuff (if I want to) but I also get to see and sometimes interact with people and I usually walk around more than I drive so its some decent exercise. Also the aforementioned not staying inside to engage in poor behaviors.

So I went to the mall hoping that I would see someone from class but of course that didn’t happen. I went to the bookstore, got some cook books that I’m interesting in reading, especially the baking stuff because I’ve always wanted to be a good baker. I also went to IKEA for the first time just because and I ended up finding some really good vessels that I could use for pickling and also those really nice pop top glass bottles that are used in making kombucha. I still need a scobe and a large glass vessel before I can make some kombucha but I’ve cross a hurdle so its possible that I could start making some very soon.

I also bought some vegetables to pickle later if I get the chance. I should probably look up like a guide or something on that because I’m not really good at pickling. Then again I’m well on my way to doing it so that’s always great to make some progress. I think I’ll go to the store later. I was fishing through the baking book I got and saw a recipe for some no bake brownies which, ya, I know I said I wanted to bake but small steps. Maybe I could make a whole batch and bring some to class tomorrow to share with others… or just eat them all myself because brownies taste good and I have poor impulse control especially when it comes to really good food.

I don’t really know why but there’s supposed to be this like legend or something around 11/11, like if you make a wish on that day its supposed to come true or maybe just like its lucky. Every so often when I look at the clock and see its 11:11 I find myself remembering that’s when people usually make a wish. I’m not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination apart from not wanting to go into creepy places on the off chance there might be ghosts or monsters because I feel like the potential negatives outweigh the positives. I can go into a creepy spooky place and there’s a significant chance nothing happens or maybe this is the one place that evil truly exists and I could die horribly. Basically I’m not going to roll those dice, so to speak, because there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Anyways, so my first thought when I looked at the date a while ago was that this is when people usually make a wish. My wish was to be able to tell this girl I like her. My life hasn’t been really great up until now but recently everything seems to be fitting into place. I just feel like maybe I could go further with this. I could totally just have a rewarding relationship with an amazing person and it could potentially boil over into maybe finding my soulmate and finally being content with my life. How could I pass up that chance? Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the perfect opportunity to say something.

Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

Currently – 11/7/19 (Feelings, Opportunities, Restless)

I decided to shake things a bit up today by getting closer to the girl I like and some of it was pretty overt. Good news is she didn’t pull away but she did comment on it as an after thought. Again, my first an primary goal is to not make her or anyone else feel uncomfortable so if she says no then I stop. In any case, it feels like we’ve gotten a bit closer but unfortunately there’s still a gap I feel needs to be crossed. I was planning on hanging out with her this weekend but she’s going to be busy so I can’t really help it.

Later I started metaphorically beating myself up because I thought about pulling her aside and giving her my number to call me over the weekend. We’re also working on a project so I could have used that as an excuse. However the more thought I gave it I decided she wasn’t really in the right mood and the situation wasn’t really ideal. Either way I feel like I should bring it up the next time we meet and maybe introduce the idea of talking outside of class.

I’m fine with taking a relationship slow if its good so this isn’t really a problem for me. What I ultimately want is to just be close to someone. Sometimes I feel as though every one else gets to have that stuff and I keep getting left behind. Well right now I found someone who seems interested in me and I absolutely can’t let this pass me by without trying. I’ve learned the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” definitely applies to me. The more I put myself out there the better I feel, the more experiences I attempt to gain the more complete and whole I feel. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually, legitimately, in the right place in my life to start a healthy and meaningful serious relationship and not doing this just because I’m lonely. I want to share my life and love and everything else with this person and, for once in my life, I feel like those feelings could be reciprocated.

Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 11/5/19 (Class, Relationship, Unsure)

Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.

And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.

The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.

Currently – 11/4/19 (Class, Opportunity, Compromise)

My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.

Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.

Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.

I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.