Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

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Currently – 10/17/19 (Off, Diligence, Work)

I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.

If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.

Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.

Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.

Currently – 10/16/19 (Class, Relationships, Comfort)

Its weird how each day I come back to write its usually to talk about how I had a good day at a place most people dream about never going back to. I guess my only real big problem is that I can’t seem to find my footing in the practical aspects of all the work I’m doing. Every so often I’ll hear from someone more knowledgeable that I’ve done something wrong, which sucks because I want to do well obviously. I’m not against failing but what I want to do is learn from that or otherwise just be better. I would rather be chastised for failing than never being able to succeed.

So, anyways, I guess the two things I like are learning and being able to interact with people. My biggest problem with forming relationships is that you have to warm up to me otherwise the relationship will go nowhere fast. So in a setting where I see almost always the same group of people who get to know me a bit better each day that really works out for someone like me, not to mention that every time I talk to one of them (and I am forced to talk to multiple people every day) I get a bit more comfortable not just with them but with myself as well.

Each day I hate myself a little less. That sounds weird but its definitely something I’ve been struggling with for most of my life. So now that I’m in a setting where people basically get to prove those awful thoughts in my head wrong I get to feel a bit better about myself more and more. And it also helps that some of the people seem interested in me as a person and some of my hobbies that I don’t really get to share outside of my own head. I’ve met a lot of nice people and, even though the class has pretty much just started and we have months left together, I’m really going to miss talking to all of these people.

I guess I really just needed some structure in my life. Obviously being fired from two jobs consecutively and being forced to stay at home by myself really took a toll on me, mentally and physically. A lot of people talk about how much they would do if they were given enough time to do it but I was given a considerable amount of time to do anything I wanted and I ended up doing things that didn’t help me whatsoever. Now I really want to get up and go to school, I want to eat better and exercise on occasion. And I, a socially awkward guy who literally used to run away when people talked to me, enjoy talking to people and go out of my way to talk to people both from the sense that I have to but also because I really want to. In short, this feels really nice.

Currently – 10/15/19 (Hospital, Class, Relationships)

While I was in the middle of writing a post my brother called me up and asked me to meet him at the emergency room. I drove all that way and my dad was lying in a hospital bed pretty much out of his mind. I can’t really describe the feelings I was having. My dad’s emaciated body just lying out on the bed, cuts on his face, mumbling incoherently, not even aware I was there. I’m not even really sure how to process what happened other than I just left after a while.

I was going to talk about how school was going in the last post so I guess I’ll just cram that in here. I’ve been talking to more people and getting better marks on my assignments which is good. I still have some stuff I need to work on but overall I’m doing pretty well. Getting more comfortable with everything and able to voice my feelings a bit better.

One thing I keep finding on my mind is wondering how others see me. I suppose that’s more of a general kind of thing but ultimately I’m wondering who I should invest more time into. I’m also still a little awkward around people which I definitely want to change as soon as possible. But little by little maybe I’ll find my way.

Currently – 10/14/19 (Confused, Restless, Unsure)

I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.

With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.

Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.

I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.