Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.
Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.
Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!
I decided against going on a fast today and I think I’ll push that into tomorrow as well. Not really any particular reason, if I’m being honest. Just… not going to do it. As a consolation I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier in the meantime so its not a complete waste. Also my core feels a little better so I think I’ll do some sit ups later tonight, if I can remember. Last time I really pushed myself to go a lot further. I did a… small number of sit ups until I started to feel pain but I pushed through it and almost tripled the number so I’ll probably not do that.
I was considering contacting someone today as I was feeling pretty lonely. I decided against it for no real reason at all other than maybe laziness or not wanting to try and contact someone but having them shut me down or, worse, ignore me. It just really sucks that I can’t get that little bit of socialization, even if its just for a few minutes or just checking in to see how they’ve been doing. I can’t help but feel like I’m purposefully being ignored like I’m not anyone’s first choice to talk to. Is it my fault?
In less depressing news I’ve started yet another book idea. I just really want to finish one of these things. I was looking online and saw some symptoms of ADHD and it just kind of clicked in me. Maybe I have it and its the problem why I can’t seem to finish anything? I guess the only way to know for sure is to get checked out but I’m not even sure how I would go about that, not to mention the fact I just straight up don’t have any health insurance so it would probably be a lot more expensive to get the test done, let alone the medicine to potentially fix my brain. It feels like there’s a solution just right in front of me and I can’t solve it due to very small and insignificant things. Like happiness is just through a door but some caution tape is the only thing keeping me from getting there.
And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.
Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.
I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.
Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.
Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.
Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.
An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.
I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.
I think I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come on here now I talk about how amazing my class is and, to some extent, it actually is but there’s a lot of problems I’m facing. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this class and its killing me. It hurts a lot knowing that a bunch of people in my family literally put up a lot of money for me to take this class and more often than not I either miss assignments or I fail tests. Obviously I want to do good, and I’m not failing on purpose, but I keep falling short. I got back a test today and I was one single point away from getting a passing grade.
The worst part is I’ve been convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m really hurting inside. I unknowingly pushed away the one person who was there to help me. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to her again. I really do need her support right now. Though right now I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me. Last time we spoke I was crying seeing messages she sent saying how much I hurt her. I do really want her back in my life but I’m not going to pretend that I deserve her after being so insensitive but if I don’t try to reach out then I can’t get help from her.
I really do want to like this class and stick with it but I’m so afraid. Whenever something good happens in my life I keep trying to mess it up because chaos is all I know. I feel at home in the rubble of failed ventures, broken promises and destroyed relationships. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel happy and whole. This class feels like it could be my ticket into a better life and I don’t want to screw that up. Not because someone paid a large amount of money for me to go but because of what I can achieve from this. I want, more than anything, to build something even if its just from the broken pieces that I call my life.
Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask for her forgiveness. I don’t expect her to take me back, and she deserves every right to never speak to me again. But, as much as it scares me to say this, I love her. A lot. I don’t want to lose her at all. If she decides not to reciprocate then I totally understand and I’ll move on but I can’t just leave it like this. I can’t just pretend that I don’t care about her and would do anything to make this better.
Yet another day at school. It feels less… painful to go to school on a regular basis. I guess by ‘pain’ what I really mean is frustration or annoyance. Its a very long class and I’m really unsure if I can actually do the work necessary to both finish the class and be able to get my certification once this is all over but there’s the added pressure that my mom, dad and grandma have all put up a considerable amount of money for me to do this. I guess when I go to school I feel tense for a while, then that melts away into being a bit more comfortable and then I go back home to be tense because of the pressure that’s on me to succeed.
So my birthday is tomorrow which I am not excited for. I’ve listed out some of my problems with my birthday in a previous post but I’ll just say that it means a lot to me when really I just don’t want to even think about it. I’ve never understood this huge pressure to have a party or lots of presents in general. I’m not against you celebrating your birthday, and in fact I will celebrate with you happily, but its just everything else around it that just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. All pressure is put on you in a variety of ways when I personally just want to just relax. My idea of a really good birthday is just a day where you don’t worry about anything and, again, I’m not against you if your personal preference is to make something big of it or anything like that.
If I’m being completely honest I’m incapable of reading people whatsoever. I find people who can instantly understand a person via body language or coded language to be like a super power or genetic mutation. There’s this girl in class that I sit fairly close to that I can never get a read on. I don’t talk to her much but sometimes she’ll talk to me, often out of the blue. Before we were leaving class she asked me if tomorrow was my birthday and the only time I really remember telling her that was fairly long ago. So now my mind is racing thinking that I’m someone important enough to have personal information remembered about them. Interacting with people is really confusing…
There’s also a secondary factor that comes with my birthday and that’s analyzing myself. I can’t help but look at who I am, who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished now that I’m turning older and when I look at who I am right now… I honestly can’t pin down something that says I have done anything worthwhile. I mean I have this blog, which is really amazing and again just want to thank all of you for reading this mess, but apart from that? Not much else. I guess that’s also why I don’t like my birthdays. It really just brings it back home to me that I haven’t done anything. I can’t help but wonder if I die tomorrow will I have a legacy? I can’t help but feel like people my age, and even those younger than me, are doing what they want and I just feel really lost and confused.
My shift ends in a a few minutes… maybe. Its kind of nebulous. The point is I’m almost done with work. Normally I would have spent all this time playing video games… which, to be fair, I did play a lot of. But the first thing, apart from getting breakfast, I did in the morning was finish my homework. I was kind of annoyed by the large workload but once I put effort into it my annoyances slipped away and I finished it. Helped that I did the brunt of it prior to today so that was definitely a factor. If I keep this up I can definitely do it.
Right now my main concern is immediately going to sleep because I’m suffering with a particularly aggressive cold. I’m not sure why I am, though it could be the fact I keep my fans on throughout the night. I would like to say I’m a generally clean guy but that’s definitely not the case. That being said my body is really used to gross surroundings so I’ve built up my immunity somewhat over my life so getting sick is pretty unusual. I’ll probably keep the fans on and just turn them down. I usually wake up early because my body is going through night sweats or heat flashes and its extremely difficult to go back to sleep if I’m uncomfortable. In the meantime I’ve been putting hot sauce and garlic on my food in an effort to clear my sinuses as well as drinking plenty of tea and water.
Unless I feel really horrible tomorrow I’m not going to take the day off from school. Not only for the fact that I have a very limited amount of times I can be absent or late during the program before I’m dropped without a refund but two other things as well. The first is I usually flake on things. I’ve tried to convince myself its in an effort to help my mental health when situations are bad or to not be forced into bad situations like I used to. The second is the instructor made it very clear that people with a perfect attendance usually get hired more frequently than those without. So there’s a pretty big incentive to keep up with my currently perfect attendance.
Like most days now I’m still met with silence when trying to interact with my friends. I didn’t reach out today but I have a few days ago and still no response. I know that they’re probably busy but I can’t help but internalize it as a problem on my end. I had an urge to try and contact one of them but this silence is preferable to reaching out and finding nothing. I would rather wonder if they don’t want to talk than putting myself out there and having it confirmed that they don’t want to. Most likely I’ll get a message this week but I feel like not even bothering to think about it. If it happens so be it, otherwise life goes on.
I’ve been thinking about saving money for multiple reasons. Not really sure how to go about it. Not in the sense that I don’t know how to save money, although I am actually really terrible about it, rather what should I be working towards. I make an okay amount from my part time, enough to keep me alive and pay off my bills, but what do I want? I though about moving to be closer to someone but they really don’t seem interested in that so that’s off the table. Plus moving with impact my one source of income right now and the place I wanted to move to would require me to get a work visa. I’m just not sure what my path should be right now.