I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.
With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.
Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.
I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.
Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.
I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.
In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.
Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.
Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.
Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!
I decided against going on a fast today and I think I’ll push that into tomorrow as well. Not really any particular reason, if I’m being honest. Just… not going to do it. As a consolation I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier in the meantime so its not a complete waste. Also my core feels a little better so I think I’ll do some sit ups later tonight, if I can remember. Last time I really pushed myself to go a lot further. I did a… small number of sit ups until I started to feel pain but I pushed through it and almost tripled the number so I’ll probably not do that.
I was considering contacting someone today as I was feeling pretty lonely. I decided against it for no real reason at all other than maybe laziness or not wanting to try and contact someone but having them shut me down or, worse, ignore me. It just really sucks that I can’t get that little bit of socialization, even if its just for a few minutes or just checking in to see how they’ve been doing. I can’t help but feel like I’m purposefully being ignored like I’m not anyone’s first choice to talk to. Is it my fault?
In less depressing news I’ve started yet another book idea. I just really want to finish one of these things. I was looking online and saw some symptoms of ADHD and it just kind of clicked in me. Maybe I have it and its the problem why I can’t seem to finish anything? I guess the only way to know for sure is to get checked out but I’m not even sure how I would go about that, not to mention the fact I just straight up don’t have any health insurance so it would probably be a lot more expensive to get the test done, let alone the medicine to potentially fix my brain. It feels like there’s a solution just right in front of me and I can’t solve it due to very small and insignificant things. Like happiness is just through a door but some caution tape is the only thing keeping me from getting there.
And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.
Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.
I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.
Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.
Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.
Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.
An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.
I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.
I think I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come on here now I talk about how amazing my class is and, to some extent, it actually is but there’s a lot of problems I’m facing. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this class and its killing me. It hurts a lot knowing that a bunch of people in my family literally put up a lot of money for me to take this class and more often than not I either miss assignments or I fail tests. Obviously I want to do good, and I’m not failing on purpose, but I keep falling short. I got back a test today and I was one single point away from getting a passing grade.
The worst part is I’ve been convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m really hurting inside. I unknowingly pushed away the one person who was there to help me. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to her again. I really do need her support right now. Though right now I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me. Last time we spoke I was crying seeing messages she sent saying how much I hurt her. I do really want her back in my life but I’m not going to pretend that I deserve her after being so insensitive but if I don’t try to reach out then I can’t get help from her.
I really do want to like this class and stick with it but I’m so afraid. Whenever something good happens in my life I keep trying to mess it up because chaos is all I know. I feel at home in the rubble of failed ventures, broken promises and destroyed relationships. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel happy and whole. This class feels like it could be my ticket into a better life and I don’t want to screw that up. Not because someone paid a large amount of money for me to go but because of what I can achieve from this. I want, more than anything, to build something even if its just from the broken pieces that I call my life.
Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask for her forgiveness. I don’t expect her to take me back, and she deserves every right to never speak to me again. But, as much as it scares me to say this, I love her. A lot. I don’t want to lose her at all. If she decides not to reciprocate then I totally understand and I’ll move on but I can’t just leave it like this. I can’t just pretend that I don’t care about her and would do anything to make this better.