Currently – 11/13/19 (Rejection, Depressed, Sick)

Well I finally did it. I told her, kind of, that I’m interested in her. You may notice the title and realize that this did not go well. Like an idiot the courage I wanted came at a really bad time. I asked her out and, while she didn’t say no, she definitely didn’t say yes… so its a no. Not to be deterred I tried to roll with the punches.

Of course that didn’t work out. Slowly throughout the day she did her best to isolate herself from me at multiple times. This really came to a head when it was lunch time and she practically ran away as soon as possible. Attempting to give her space I took a little longer than I needed but when I finally walked out I ran into her and we said nothing to each other. As luck would have it we passed by each other minutes later and said nothing to each other again.

Obviously by this point I’m feeling like these aren’t just coincidences or just not being aware of the other person. She’s actively avoiding me and its completely my fault. I start feeling really horrible about myself to the point where I’m actively trying to avoid her as well. Ultimately I end up eating lunch alone just to make sure the two of us don’t see each other by accident. I come back to class early to try and be productive as opposed to wallowing in my own sadness.

As the day went on I started to feel really horrible. Starts with a headache that boils into nausea. My body is just turning itself on its head to make me feel even more awful. I try to lay my head down just to rest for a bit but the person sitting at my desk continues to bounce their leg so the table is just rocking the entire time. I really don’t feel like asking them to stop because I’m not really in a talking mood so all I can do is bear it. It gets to the point that I feel so overwhelmed that I have to go to the bathroom and just try to calm myself.

As soon as I get home I just collapse in my bed. I actually just woke up a few minutes ago to eat and to write this. All I want to do is just die in my sleep so I don’t have to face this again. Of course I am lucky enough to have to go in to class tomorrow so I get to relieve all of this again. Joy. Right now I’m just praying for death.

Currently – 11/12/19 (Cooking, Missed, Disappointed)

Last night I cooked for myself for the first time in a long time which felt really good, to say the least. I had some premade tofu just to see how I could have tofu that doesn’t taste like nothing and cardboard and a few other things that were pretty nice. The whole thing really tasted good and I got to save money so that’s a bonus. I’m still hoping I can pickle all the stuff I bought before I forget and it turns to a sour moldly mush but for now I’m eating pretty good. Maybe tomorrow. I still have to look up a guide just to make sure I’m doing this right and I won’t end up wasting a bunch of vegetables.

After class, which I’ll talk about because that was pretty obvious, I went to the store to pick up some butter for these brownies I want to make. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to make it later tonight when I have the kitchen to myself. They’re supposed to be bakeless which sounds cool but time will tell. If I finish making them (and they’re good) I might take some to class tomorrow to share with everyone. Most likely its going to be bad and I’ll just throw it out though. But maybe this will be the first time I can make sweets that don’t look and taste like dog food. Here’s hoping.

Everyday I go here and meet this woman I feel more and more like she’s interested in me. The way she acts, talks, looks at me. My mind is screaming at me to just tell her how amazing I think she is and how I would really like the chance to be someone special to her while my body is just either pumping far too much blood in my brain, giving me a headache, all while staying motionless because I feel like I’m going to explode from the aforementioned blood ripping through my body. I’m not sure what these feelings are because I’ve literally never had them before.

I didn’t have a lot of chances today but there was one moment at the end. I finally decided I was going to spend some time with her and that was that. I used an excuse that I was going somewhere nearby and later I’d just “happen to be nearby! Maybe let’s hang out some more!” But when I got over there my body was just horrible. A painful lump in my throat, my body crackling with hot electricity and my face was on fire. All I could do was stand there and berate myself for being so cowardly, for not standing up and being honest with myself and her. Finally I braced myself and walked back… only to see her walking away. She looked over at me and waved bye and I just felt a deep well of disappointment wash over me.

Maybe this is just how its going to be until the course ends. I’ll just be hopelessly infatuated with her and she will move on with her life and find someone who has some actual courage. I’ll be here as usual, knowing that this is all my fault. Someone amazing came into my life, practically handed me an invitation and I was too chicken to even reach out and take it. To be honest I really just feel deeply sad because I know its just going to end up the same as every other relationship I’ve had in the past. I legitimately just feel like crying and going to be early tonight.

Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

Currently – 10/14/19 (Confused, Restless, Unsure)

I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.

With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.

Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.

I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.

Currently 10/12/19 (Friend, Reading, Lost)

I tried talking to a friend but she didn’t seem interested. I’m honestly not sure where to go from here. Legitimately just considering leaving and not coming back. I think the biggest problem is I’m pretty much always trying to reach out but always kept at a distance. I understand why but I’m not interested in that at all. Personally I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t know. I think I’ll ruminate on it a bit before making any decisions.

I had a weird desire to read today. Thankfully I have a lot of books and just bought some more. I wasn’t interested in anything super heavy so I just flipped through the kombucha book I bought and it had some really interesting things. I’d really like to make some myself but I’m not so sure I would be even allowed to do it where I live. Not to mention I don’t know where to get the bottles and other materials to make it in the first place. Some day, I suppose. I have the book to help me do it so that’s one step completed.

Right now I feel like I’m in a fog. Not really sure what to do. I really hate these moments because its so difficult to get out of them because I can never tell what got me into it in the first place. I guess its because I’m nearly 30 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’ve often said that when you’re 30 you’ve pretty much come into what your life is going to be like for the next few decades so if that’s true I’m going to be working minimum wage at a part time job, lonely and still feeling dissatisfied. Ya that’s not exactly a happy idea.

I really want to change my life around but it doesn’t feel like I can. Something is blocking me and, now matter how much I want to surpass it, I can’t find out what is keeping me from my true potential provided I even have any. Is the wall in my head or is it something physical? What can I expect to find over the wall, implying I can even pass it? Is it better to stay on this side than try to surmount it?

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.