Currently – 10/31/19 (Class, Perspective, Life)

Just before I begin I’ll say that I had another post up but decided to delete it. I didn’t feel like it was totally and completely honest to my feelings. I’ll just move on from that.

Class today was unusual but not bad. A little bit more relaxed as opposed to other days. Of course that could have just been me but who knows. I feel a little more like myself the more I continue to be in the class. I personally think its just because I have some structure and something to look forward to. Though I’d like to think its because I finally found my path in life and in lieu of resistance it feels like the path before me is a lot smoother.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I look at myself personally. If I had to be honest I don’t think its very healthy. What I want more than anything is to just see myself as I am, neither better or worse than what I currently am. Its really difficult to look inward or even just have an accurate representation of who you are, especially for me. At times I find it hard to see the person I really am as opposed to an idealized version or one I’ve demonized, more often than not unfairly. It has negatively affected me to say the least.

The current idea behind me being so slow to understand that the person I’m currently trying to pursue a relationship with may have been interested in me as well stems from how low I perceive myself. Ugly, fat, slob, unfunny, creepy, weird. I’ve internalized all of these feelings and, while some of them may be true, are antithetical to my progress. The problem is its not “I am something negative and therefore I must change” rather its “I am something negative and I will always be that”. Essentially its never about becoming better but just trying to be content with being garbage. I’ve tried to change this as much as possible but these feelings are, unfortunately, deeply ingrained in me and I use the few moments where people either looked at me like I was one of these things or actually verbalized it.

Right now I just want to remember that those people don’t matter. I will absolutely take their harsh words and potentially correct criticism to heart but in the effort to change and become better. But those people who were harsh to me don’t really deserve to be in my life. I may carry their words with me but they won’t be coming with me on my journey. At the same time I’ll do my best to look inward, taking their biting comments and use them to evaluate myself. Either this is something true and therefore something I should work on or it is false and I need to remember that it is false in case someone down the line decides to repeat it to me. I think that will ultimately be the best course of action I can take.

Currently 10-2-19 (Class, Lonely, Reflection)

And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.

Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.

I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.

Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.