Currently – 9/21/19 (Friend, Writing, Future)

I wasn’t expecting my friend to call me up. Pretty much out of the blue. She basically just chewed me out for being an idiot, which I deserved. Part of the way through I started crying. I wasn’t aware how badly I hurt her and it just really got to me. There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be talking to her anymore. If I made her feel this badly do I even deserve to be her friend?

Spurred on by this feeling, I guess, I felt the urge to write. I don’t know why it just felt like I needed to do something constructive. I mean there’s honestly not much you can do after you realized that you hurt someone really badly. In my case I guess I just felt like channeling those emotions elsewhere. I still feel bad but now I’ve put some words onto paper (metaphorically speaking) so now my emotions are there in an effort to move on with the day. I would like to reconcile with her but… well I guess I already explained why I’m having second thoughts about that, among other reasons I don’t feel like talking about.

And of course there’s the future. That nebulous idea that’s always just out of reach. The weird thing I just realized about the future is we can never get there. As soon as we get there then its become the present and our memory of the time is the past. I was watching a video earlier from someone I’ve subscribed to on YouTube. It was one of those nerd deep dives where “Was this secretly deeper than you thought?” from a channel called Renegade Cut. I won’t spoil it, because its actually a pretty decent video and you should watch it, but it was about that old live action He-Man movie with Dolph Lundgren. There was a lot of talk about the future that kind of spoke to me in a weird way, made me think about stuff I wasn’t really wanting to think about. I guess in the same way I’m wondering about being a writer and also about this person who’s really special to me. If I should reach for this goal or will it forever be unreachable like the future as a nebulous concept.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 9/13/19 (Rest, Friend, Tired)

Today I was mostly productive like I wanted to be. Did some much needed laundry, shaved a bit and even used a face mask which… I’m not sure does anything but its something that feels like it does something which is the effect I was looking for. I also did some homework which felt… okay. I guess its just reminding me how massive this work load is. Literally multiple pages of homework.

I tried texting my friend and she… did not respond. Kind of made me feel miserable. I kind of had this “Screw it, I want to talk to her and beating around the bush isn’t going to do that” type mood. I think it makes me feel awful from the standpoint that I put myself out there only to realize that I’m alone here. I just wish I didn’t feel terrible when my desire for affection or connection goes unrequited. Then again she does have a habit of coming back some time later so… probably just need to wait. For now I will sulk and reread messages trying to find if I somehow offended her in some way and the best way to apologize until she comes back with a much more reasonable response as to why she wasn’t answering that will take around five seconds. Yay…

All of these feelings make me want to be a robot. Just something that doesn’t have to feel these emotions and just goes through life cold and logically. There’s supposed to be this balancing act of bad to good. Like stuff is bad but eventually it (ideally) should be balanced out. I feel alone right now but then there’s the elation of human contact and someone genuinely caring about me. Unfortunately those good moments are few at best and the space between them where misery takes root is thick and constant. There’s some part of me that knows one day I’m going to be so happy I will forget all about what being sad felt like. Full and rewarding job, get married to my soul mate, the joy of seeing my first child, growing old with someone I have a genuine connection with. Then again none of that is guaranteed.

Is it really worth suffering through all of this in the off chance that potential good could come of it? Will I find peace and happiness? Is all of my effort wasted? If I’m being honest I don’t necessarily want to feel happy or good, I just want the absence of pain or anguish. Misery doesn’t necessarily predate joy. In fact bad feelings don’t give way to good feelings. After I feel terrible I just have this numbness that eventually fades. When you’re hurt you don’t immediately feel better once the pain is gone, you’re just finding peace in the nothing. There’s solace in absence but not happiness.

Currently – 9/12/19 (Weekend, Rest?, Time)

Today was the last day of my class for the week. We have four days of class then three days off. That sounds nice but the work load is pretty brutal. Next week I have something due every single day. By Monday I have to finish around twenty seven pages of work so… ya. But I’m going to try to stick with it because something good can come of this.

I’m not really sure how I’m going to balance out my time. I already know my own limits and if I don’t have some time to unwind I’m not going to be able to keep this up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to spend some time unwinding. Mostly I’m just going to do some extra hygiene stuff like a face mask not to mention sleeping in and cleaning up my room some. I’ve done some of the homework so its not like I’m doing this completely from scratch. Though I have to be careful not to get in a habit of laziness again or I’ll end up slacking off too much.

My mind does feel more active as of late. I had a real passion for the medical industry and study of medicine when I was younger so it just feels like all of this is coming back to me. I’m coming out of my shell somewhat, actually participating in class and asking questions. Right now I understand the material fairly well so my only real problem is the application when I’m finally forced to put what I’ve learned into practice. I always had a problem of falling apart under pressure so if I can’t control that then this will end up failing no matter what.

I think I just need to budget out my time sensibly. After I get back from class all I really want to do is just lay down and turn off my brain. I think its these uncomfortable chairs we’re forced to sit in. I spend most of this class fidgeting in a failed attempt to find a decent way to sit. My back, legs and arms all hurt from doing this for around seven hours a day. Not to mention having to wake up extra early so I can ensure I’m getting to the class on time.

I feel like I need to know my limits here. Can’t move forward if I’m constantly worried about being broken. That being said I will take time to rest when I can. I need to push but not at the expense of my body. I’m fairly young and there’s a bright future ahead of me that I want to experience and it would be very difficult to do so if I’m not physically able to do so. I’ve got so much I want to do.

Currently – 9/6/19 (Friend, Pain, Future)

For me its difficult to know when someone really cares or wants to talk to me. For more content I wrote something two posts ago, if memory serves correct, about my grandfather. If we become friends I’ll want to talk to you for hours upon hours almost non stop. If I could stop myself from needing to do everything in life just to talk to you I would. Obviously, and unfortunately, not everyone else feels the same way. There’s this disconnect where I sometimes forget that and think that someone who is just living their life and doing everything they can to survive is actually making a conscious decision to avoid talking to me. This was the main reason why I inadvertently said something bad against someone I care about.

Today I received a surprise message from them from out of the blue asking to talk over the phone. This was the first time I ever heard this person cry. This person who was so kind and loving and amazing in every way was in tears on the other end. I did my best to help her but I’m never sure if I’m ever doing things right. I wanted to cry with them too but I knew that they needed someone strong at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to embrace them and take all of their pain away, even if I had to suffer for it. I don’t think she would appreciate me giving any information on what happened so I will decline to describe the situation.

I really want some advice on how to help her but that of course would entail saying what happened and I’m not going to betray her trust. I want to know the perfect thing that’s going to make all of this feel better so she can never experience pain like this again. At this point I feel like all I can do is just be there with her and do my best to take care of her needs no matter what that means. Complicating matters is that I’m going to start school on Monday which will drastically limit the time we can talk. Part of me wants to just cancel the classes and spend all my time just being present for her but that’s not sensible and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Where I want to go, what I have to do to get there and what I want to be there when I am there. I already know where I want to go and what I want to be there but not how to get there. Not really sure how to put that. I guess its like you’re going on a trip to a destination but you don’t have any transportation or money for food. Maybe I can get a stable, well paying job from this class and be able to save enough money to get there. This could be the beginning of the rest of my life. To put it lightly I’m terrified but excited.

Currently – 8/29/19 (Rest, Work, Pain)

Last post (I think) I said I was going to try and work on what was bothering me and take a break from writing for a bit while I solved it. I tried… kind of. I forgot to text a friend which was my actual method for maybe getting out of this funk so… my bad. I think tomorrow I’m just going to write down, physically that is, whatever comes to my mind. I was always better writing when it goes down on an actual page. Not in terms of penmanship but like retaining information.

In the meantime I kept busy. Rewatched an anime I really liked: Blue Exorcist. I kind of prefer anime a bit more as opposed to other media but that’s neither here or there. I feel like constantly playing video games is just sapping me of creativity which is why I try to not play as much anymore and never before I need to write. I still like video games but moderation is best. I have some… bad habits and I like to keep myself focused on something. Normally that would be a job on weekdays but I can’t have everything. Soon I’ll be going to classes so maybe that will help.

This weekend I’m going to be working A LOT more than usual. Not going too much into detail but its potentially going to be a challenge. I took the opportunity for three main reasons I guess. First is that I need the money, second is I want to be trusted more and third was sort of because I was caught off guard. I think I can do it. Shouldn’t be too hard. And maybe I’ll get a nice bit of money out of it so I can do other stuff or just pay off my bills regularly.

I still feel pretty bad in general but its getting better every day. I keep feeling alone but it feels like something I can actually deal with a bit better. I still want to talk to people but I can’t as much as I like and so be it. In terms of physical pain my eye is kind of hurting right now for some reason. I think I’ll drink some more water if its dehydrated and maybe put something cold on it. Plans for tomorrow are a bit of exercising, writing and maybe doing something productive like washing my clothes and/or sheets.

Currently – 8/17/19 (Difficulty, Numbness, Acceptance)

Right now all I want to do is get back into a creative mood. However there’s another part of me that knows that I work best by forcing myself to work and eventually creativity flows. Obviously one voice makes more sense than the other but I have trouble pushing myself forward. I think tomorrow I’m just going to go for it. Whatever it takes I’m going to push forward.

I’ve been feeling really bad as of late but its starting to go away… slightly. Its difficult to describe how I’m feeling right now but I guess its the moment when the pain starts to leave you. The calm yet sore feeling. You’re not completely healed but you’re no longer suffering. It still stings but you can move on. I hope this is really what I’m feeling right now.

I guess it helped that my friend contacted me out of the blue. Though her reason for doing so wasn’t happy on her part but I was glad to be there to help her. We spoke for all of twenty minutes but she made me feel a lot less alone and even said she’d like to hang out some time. My new part time job makes that a little difficult to do but I’d definitely be interested in trying to find a time where we could enjoy each other’s company. I’m still floored by the fact we’ve known each other for almost ten years. Its kind of insane but also nice that I was able to keep someone so great in my life for so long.

Today was pretty normal. Worked, played, got annoyed but moved on. I’m fine with days like these. Its not bad, its not good. Its just there. I feel like people put so much stock into going for the best days when I personally just like the… not bad days? I guess that’s a way to put it. You have to be fine with the mundane, accept the normalcy.