My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.
Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.
Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.
I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.
Not proud to say that I spent the entire day not focusing on bettering myself. I mean I got out of bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth which unfortunately is an uncommon thing for me. Ya its gross but I often just don’t have the energy or will to keep my body in normal functioning order and, that being said, it is something I recognize is a problem and I’m trying to fix. In this case it would be in terms of my, potentially, money making hobbies or bettering myself in general.
My book is pretty much done at this point. Right now all I have to do is proofread, edit, plug the sources in and find out how to self publish it. Also I guess I need to find a pen name. I need a pen name because the content within could legitimately put me in danger. I’m not going to tell you what its about, mostly for fear this could backtrack me and lead to me being murdered, or plug it into this blog once its finished and published.
I keep telling myself the reason I’m not finishing it is out of fear but that should be a reason for not publishing it. Honestly I think I’m just trying to justify my laziness. But I think more than that I’m here at a crossroads. In front of me is the person who I am now, someone I am deeply disappointed by but this stagnation is comforting. And the other path is maybe realizing who I truly am and the fear of that unknown is forcing me even deeper into my stagnation.
My ultimate goal is to write a book and my biggest fear is nothing comes out of it. I’m not noticed, no one ever reads it or cares I exist. And then I’m forced to bury my dream of becoming a successful or otherwise well known writer. That maybe I’ll be forced to stay where I am forever, in a job I hate and never experiencing the things I truly want to. I’ve had these fears for a while.
I’m trying to push myself out of that mindset. To just write for myself because I want to write. But I also want everything that comes with that. I want to visit places, meet new people, fall in love, maybe even move out of my country permanently. Is writing the vehicle that will take me there? Or should I abandon it for more practical ideas and goals? I honestly don’t know. I really wish I did.
Had two nice talks with both of my friends. Both were really nice, supportive and I really like them a lot. Sorry, just gushing about them. One friend was talking to me about potential money ideas. Some interesting things I could do on YouTube and potentially gain a following. Think I might try to capitalize on that when I have time.
I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to have a nice support net. Sure I have my parents and bits of family here and there, but there’s a different feeling when you’ve created a bond with a complete stranger and they care about you that can’t be beat. My family is there for me but I can’t shake the feeling that its mostly out of obligation. But these people? I had to work to earn their love and trust. I don’t know, I just kind of like that feeling.
I don’t think I capitalize on my talents which is something I should change. I used to be a naturally talented artist back when I was a teenager. I dropped it because I didn’t think I could do much of anything with it. Now I feel kind of dumb seeing as how my personal Twitter is dedicated to following really great artists. Might pick it up again in the near future.
I think I’ve been harping on about how little I can do as opposed to what I can. I’m pretty lucky, I can admit that. I don’t have anything extremely wrong with me, I have some decent talents that could take me farther, my family is kind of in the picture. Maybe it took a depressive episode for me to understand how much I truly have. Ideally I wouldn’t sink so deep just to feel better but I’ll take all the good stuff I can.
I’ve been sticking with this blog for mostly just because I want to create a habit of doing it. Its good writing exercise, I get to put all my feelings out there and it feels just nice in general. Most days I wonder what I’m going to write but eventually I just tough it out and write something. Literally like a minute ago, out of the blue I got a call back for a job! I’m really excited and happy and hope that this actually becomes a career.
More than that I think its weird that at the moment it could have gone one of two ways. Usually I don’t answer any call that isn’t a number that I don’t know. I was seconds away from cutting off the call and just missing out on this opportunity. Now that I think about it I wonder how many other opportunities I might have missed out on just by not taking a call or something just as simple. Rationally I know that it probably has never happened but who knows? A random lottery give away? A missed connection with someone I thought wasn’t interested?
Of course I’m just feeling really hopeful. I mean from a strictly monetary sense this job pays more than my old job. Not by much but every little bit counts. All of these things, opportunities and what not, that seemed impossible really are starting to set into place. I was pretty sad to think that I would never be able to go overseas and finally meet my friend but that could change very soon. Wondering how I was going to pay off my bills and now that seems like a distant memory. I keep trying to find the words but all I feel is just hope in general.
Now its less about the day to day more what comes next? It feels like this weight has just been lifted off my shoulders and now I can finally breathe. Simply put I’m really excited for tomorrow and every tomorrow that comes after. And if I’m being honest, I’m glad this situation happened. Losing my job actually helped. Now I’m building skills, thinking further in the future than I ever have. Plus this whole experience of looking for and actually doing the leg work to get a job was something I really needed. Now I just have to put my best foot forward and actually give this job my all.
It feels kind of weird. Like I’m not literally smiling while I’m writing this but it actually feels like I’m smiling inside. Suddenly things don’t seem so bleak. And who knows what could come about from this? This could set my whole life in motion. And to think it came from just a phone call and the smallest chance of me actually answering it. Now more than ever I really, truly feel like moving forward.