Currently – 11/7/19 (Feelings, Opportunities, Restless)

I decided to shake things a bit up today by getting closer to the girl I like and some of it was pretty overt. Good news is she didn’t pull away but she did comment on it as an after thought. Again, my first an primary goal is to not make her or anyone else feel uncomfortable so if she says no then I stop. In any case, it feels like we’ve gotten a bit closer but unfortunately there’s still a gap I feel needs to be crossed. I was planning on hanging out with her this weekend but she’s going to be busy so I can’t really help it.

Later I started metaphorically beating myself up because I thought about pulling her aside and giving her my number to call me over the weekend. We’re also working on a project so I could have used that as an excuse. However the more thought I gave it I decided she wasn’t really in the right mood and the situation wasn’t really ideal. Either way I feel like I should bring it up the next time we meet and maybe introduce the idea of talking outside of class.

I’m fine with taking a relationship slow if its good so this isn’t really a problem for me. What I ultimately want is to just be close to someone. Sometimes I feel as though every one else gets to have that stuff and I keep getting left behind. Well right now I found someone who seems interested in me and I absolutely can’t let this pass me by without trying. I’ve learned the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” definitely applies to me. The more I put myself out there the better I feel, the more experiences I attempt to gain the more complete and whole I feel. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually, legitimately, in the right place in my life to start a healthy and meaningful serious relationship and not doing this just because I’m lonely. I want to share my life and love and everything else with this person and, for once in my life, I feel like those feelings could be reciprocated.

Currently – 6/24/19 (Procrastination, Fear, Paths)

Not proud to say that I spent the entire day not focusing on bettering myself. I mean I got out of bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth which unfortunately is an uncommon thing for me. Ya its gross but I often just don’t have the energy or will to keep my body in normal functioning order and, that being said, it is something I recognize is a problem and I’m trying to fix. In this case it would be in terms of my, potentially, money making hobbies or bettering myself in general.

My book is pretty much done at this point. Right now all I have to do is proofread, edit, plug the sources in and find out how to self publish it. Also I guess I need to find a pen name. I need a pen name because the content within could legitimately put me in danger. I’m not going to tell you what its about, mostly for fear this could backtrack me and lead to me being murdered, or plug it into this blog once its finished and published.

I keep telling myself the reason I’m not finishing it is out of fear but that should be a reason for not publishing it. Honestly I think I’m just trying to justify my laziness. But I think more than that I’m here at a crossroads. In front of me is the person who I am now, someone I am deeply disappointed by but this stagnation is comforting. And the other path is maybe realizing who I truly am and the fear of that unknown is forcing me even deeper into my stagnation.

My ultimate goal is to write a book and my biggest fear is nothing comes out of it. I’m not noticed, no one ever reads it or cares I exist. And then I’m forced to bury my dream of becoming a successful or otherwise well known writer. That maybe I’ll be forced to stay where I am forever, in a job I hate and never experiencing the things I truly want to. I’ve had these fears for a while.

I’m trying to push myself out of that mindset. To just write for myself because I want to write. But I also want everything that comes with that. I want to visit places, meet new people, fall in love, maybe even move out of my country permanently. Is writing the vehicle that will take me there? Or should I abandon it for more practical ideas and goals? I honestly don’t know. I really wish I did.

Currently – 6/23/19 (Friendship, Opportunities, Potential)

Had two nice talks with both of my friends. Both were really nice, supportive and I really like them a lot. Sorry, just gushing about them. One friend was talking to me about potential money ideas. Some interesting things I could do on YouTube and potentially gain a following. Think I might try to capitalize on that when I have time.

I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to have a nice support net. Sure I have my parents and bits of family here and there, but there’s a different feeling when you’ve created a bond with a complete stranger and they care about you that can’t be beat. My family is there for me but I can’t shake the feeling that its mostly out of obligation. But these people? I had to work to earn their love and trust. I don’t know, I just kind of like that feeling.

I don’t think I capitalize on my talents which is something I should change. I used to be a naturally talented artist back when I was a teenager. I dropped it because I didn’t think I could do much of anything with it. Now I feel kind of dumb seeing as how my personal Twitter is dedicated to following really great artists. Might pick it up again in the near future.

I think I’ve been harping on about how little I can do as opposed to what I can. I’m pretty lucky, I can admit that. I don’t have anything extremely wrong with me, I have some decent talents that could take me farther, my family is kind of in the picture. Maybe it took a depressive episode for me to understand how much I truly have. Ideally I wouldn’t sink so deep just to feel better but I’ll take all the good stuff I can.