Last post (I think) I said I was going to try and work on what was bothering me and take a break from writing for a bit while I solved it. I tried… kind of. I forgot to text a friend which was my actual method for maybe getting out of this funk so… my bad. I think tomorrow I’m just going to write down, physically that is, whatever comes to my mind. I was always better writing when it goes down on an actual page. Not in terms of penmanship but like retaining information.
In the meantime I kept busy. Rewatched an anime I really liked: Blue Exorcist. I kind of prefer anime a bit more as opposed to other media but that’s neither here or there. I feel like constantly playing video games is just sapping me of creativity which is why I try to not play as much anymore and never before I need to write. I still like video games but moderation is best. I have some… bad habits and I like to keep myself focused on something. Normally that would be a job on weekdays but I can’t have everything. Soon I’ll be going to classes so maybe that will help.
This weekend I’m going to be working A LOT more than usual. Not going too much into detail but its potentially going to be a challenge. I took the opportunity for three main reasons I guess. First is that I need the money, second is I want to be trusted more and third was sort of because I was caught off guard. I think I can do it. Shouldn’t be too hard. And maybe I’ll get a nice bit of money out of it so I can do other stuff or just pay off my bills regularly.
I still feel pretty bad in general but its getting better every day. I keep feeling alone but it feels like something I can actually deal with a bit better. I still want to talk to people but I can’t as much as I like and so be it. In terms of physical pain my eye is kind of hurting right now for some reason. I think I’ll drink some more water if its dehydrated and maybe put something cold on it. Plans for tomorrow are a bit of exercising, writing and maybe doing something productive like washing my clothes and/or sheets.
I think I have a problem. My writing has taken a deep curve downwards and it doesn’t seem like its getting back up. I have a few ideas but right now I just need to voice that things are bad. My original idea that it would be in a somewhat completed state by the end of the month and, subsequently, before my classes started. It doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. At best I am halfway done with the book and after that I have to edit it to make sure there aren’t any errors as well as in a state that I am comfortable sharing. The book is still something I want to work on and finish but the timeline I created has changed.
My depressive state hasn’t changed much which is disappointing to say the least. I think that’s the major factor in me not being able to write which is annoying for a multitude of reasons. Despite what other media has romanticized, no, depression and bad experiences does not make you a good writer. The best way to describe depression is like a weight that is resting on you. The longer you allow it to stay there the harder it is to get off and it also hinders your ability to do pretty much anything… like getting those weights off. Right now I just feel lonely, which you’d think would be easy to get rid of but it isn’t. That being said I know why I feel like this so its not so bad because at least I know the reason.
Spent most of the day just trying to take my mind off it. I sat in front of a screen and just was sad, as weird as that sounds. Something that did help me was I remembered that Netflix updated a show I really like with another season: The Good Place. It helped a bit, at least from the standpoint I could actually laugh so that was nice. Right now I feel like I’m in a somewhat neutral state… but closer to sad so maybe not so neutral. But I do feel better so that’s nice.
I did go out today for some small things. Got something I’ve wanted to get for a while and a yoga mat. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try out some more yoga? Probably not but I can always hope. I just want to do something productive so I can not feel like a lazy sack of fat. I think I should try and force myself to write a bit more regardless if I want to. Maybe just change up my routine a bit and that will shake something up.
Today was pretty decent, all things considered. I mean something bad did happen to someone I care about which I’m not happy about but she seems to be better so that’s… good? Ideally it wouldn’t have happened in the first place, of course. I put some more work into the book but not as much as I wanted to. Not sure why but I at least put in some work. I’m not going to beat myself up over only getting a small amount of work done.
I also got a check for my vacation time. The amount is surprisingly larger than I was expecting. I was thinking that I would just get my original salary just stretched out over time. I hope this isn’t the only check but if it is I’ll try to make the best of it. In fact its so large I feel weird about cashing it. Obviously I will to pay my bills but not immediately. I think I’ll ask to see if there’s enough money in the account before doing so.
My brother took me out for some free food. That’s always nice. Although I can’t really say free cause I gave him a hundred bucks for the phone bill. So… more like I gave him a hundred bucks and to compensate me he bought me 8 bucks worth of food. Ya not a good exchange rate. Even still I have the money right now so its not a big deal.
Ever since then I’ve just been playing some more video games. I just got up to write this. For whatever reason my body is really aching right now. I guess the chair I was sitting in wasn’t super comfortable. I feel kind of tired as well. Considering taking a nap but it seems pretty early. I think I’ll just watch some Netflix to pass the time. If I decide to sleep then so be it.