Hey there. Its been a while. Just had the desire to pop in for some reason.
Life has been interesting, to say the least. I suppose not really all that much has changed. I guess I went to a party to see an old friend of mine. Seemed really good but she’s been ignoring a text from me so I’m debating if I might have screwed up somewhere somehow. Though it doesn’t help to dwell on things for so long so I’m trying to move past.
School is pretty much the same as ever but a bit better, I guess. Started getting over this whole being ignored by a person I liked thing a little bit each day. We had a party a few days ago and I decided to make something. I’m never sure if my food is good so my anxiety travels pretty easily over to that. But, to my surprise, I got raving reviews from everyone. The one thing that was weird was this one girl in the class told me that now I could get married because I’m a good cook. Of course I blushed, taking the compliment but also not really sure what she meant by it. Then she said it a few more times so now my mind is racing thinking that she might like me.
I think I’ve had my fill of trying to date people in this class so I’m guessing this just won’t end well. Of course there’s also the idea that I’m currently still jobless so I’m not sure how great of a boyfriend I can be to someone at the moment. I’d like to be with someone but I’m definitely not going to force someone to be with me while I’m unbalanced in any area of my life. Apart from that I never really thought of this girl as someone I’d like to be with but now I’m just thinking about what she could possibly see in me that she’d like. Of course this is all saying that she feels anything for me whatsoever so I think its best that I just go about this as neutral as possible. If she is interested then we could have a conversation about it and if not I won’t have put myself out there again and make yet another girl feel weird around me.
Traveled out to my mom’s place to spend the holidays with my family. Still jobless so I couldn’t buy any presents, unfortunately. I really hate buying presents but I hate it even more when I don’t have anything to give to anyone. I know we’ve been through some stuff and aren’t really totally good with each other but I’d still like to show appreciation for what they have done for me. Right now it just feels kind of weird not having my dad around. This will be the first Christmas without him and I feel like that’s just kind of sinking in.
I guess I’ve been spending my time thinking about love and myself. About the kind of person I am and if I’m ever going to find that special someone. I always wonder what that life would look like. Feels like a dream to me that I could ever feel like I’m fully whole. I keep thinking I need to look inward at myself to find completion but it just feels like I’m missing a vital piece to my life. I just want to be close to someone in such a way that we fill the void in each other, or what have you.
I don’t have many details on my family’s now former business or who shut it down and it really doesn’t matter at this point. Its gone and we just have to move forward. I’ve been fired before and I need to do the same as well, move forward that is. I’ve applied to two places so we’ll see how that works out. Right now I’m just trying to survive until the end of my class and we’ll take it from there.
I got my last check cashed today so it kind of hit me that this is really over and I’m not dreaming or rather having a nightmare. Right now things have quieted down but there’s this air of unease hanging over all of us. I still need a job and things aren’t really going to well. What I would really like to know is this just the prelude before everything gets a lot worse or are we finally in the clear for a bit. I spent part of the day helping my mom unload a bunch of files and sensitive information out of the building. Apparently we’re going to be evicted by Monday. Its really insane how quick this process really was compared to how we were teetering on the edge for around five years before this point. We’re getting almost no notices and being shoved out the door within days as if we’re a tenant that’s just come by as opposed to being here for literal decades.
Anyways, while I was working I got a call on my phone from the sign spinning place. The job really isn’t ideal but I need the money and if this works out I could have enough to survive for a while. As it stands, with what I have, I can last until January and then I’m in trouble. My family has told me they’ll help out where they can, which is nice, but I don’t want to be indebted to them. I’ll call on them if I need it but right now I need to find my own footing and I have time.
After all that work my body is just sore. I spent around two or three hours hauling everything around. I just hope the interview I have tomorrow doesn’t force me to do anything too strenuous or my body is healed up by then. Right now all I’m thinking about is going back to class. That’s really the best thing right now and I need to keep with it. All the people there, what I’m learning, the potential, the possibilities. I don’t know what I would do if that falls through and I’m not going to.
As you can tell by the title I no longer have a job… again. This would be the third time in a row if you’re keeping count. In this case, however, I wasn’t fired just unceremoniously laid-off. For once my work ethic and attitude were not a factor in my current state of unemployment. I was told today just a few hours ago.
There’s a lot wrong with this. The first is that I actually needed the job and it was a great safety net. The second is the way that it happened while the third is everyone’s reactions to it. It seems like whenever my life is starting to pick up I get sucker punched again. In terms of the reactions my family is not supportive at all. I won’t go into too many details but right now I’m just feeling really awful and their reaction to it is just bewilderment that I’m feeling this way.
I’m still going to school, and its going to stay that way for as long as I can manage, so I need to continue working towards that. Right now my best option for employment is a sign flipper which is not ideal if you were wondering. I’ve been spending the last few hours searching for jobs that can work with my schedule. But my brain just feels completely tapped out and exhausted so I’m going to relax for a bit before I send out this one job application and pray I can get it in time to keep myself afloat. If not, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.
I guess I haven’t talked about my finances all that much other than the occasional fear of having nothing. My part time job is enough for all my needs, and I’m definitely thankful for that. The amount itself is nothing great but its enough to pay off the few bills I have on only one paycheck and the rest is essentially mine to spend as I please. There was a time I was saving up to take a trip to London to see someone though that has fallen through so that $700 or so I just used to keep my mind off yet another failed relationship. That isn’t to say I spent it all but I essentially just kept chipping away at it until now I have about half of that left.
Talking to the girl I liked a while ago, even with her minimum wage job, she was asking me about my finances once and was surprised to hear I didn’t really have any savings, at least from the stand point I wasn’t really worried about them. People who know me in person know I’m not someone who likes to hold onto money. I prefer to spend it on others because I feel like it makes them happy and life is short etc etc. Basically if I have enough to pay off my bills and maybe $100 left just to do whatever I feel like with I’m happy. After being fired I kind of started to realize how much more important money is in general. I still, kind of, waste my money but at least I pull myself back every so often just to say “But do I really need this?” Its kind of the same when it comes to how I’m at least trying to be a vegan.
Anyways, I had a check that I decided to cash today so I felt like walking around the mall and at the bookstore. I didn’t end up buying anything, which was somewhat disappointing but at the same time kind of nice because I felt like I had everything I needed. I did go to another store and buy some minor groceries so the day wasn’t completely wasted. Plus I got some walking time in which is always nice.
I’ve been thinking about cooking some more. I bought some rice and beans which is what I was living off of for a while. I’ve been trying to find some deserts that I could make with some basic ingredients like that but I can’t really find anything. Either way I’ve been spending far too much needless money at lunch when I go to class so I’m hoping this will at least shave off a few bucks here and there. I know this all sounds pretty boring but… it was my day so, ya.
I was actually thinking of buying some more cook books but… I mean I have like five already, at least, and I barely look through them at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself in that regard. I guess I’ve been interested in fermenting and making kombucha but I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to do that where I’m staying, let alone where I’d keep some stuff like that. I wonder if I could make something like fermented rice? I’ve been trying to get more fermented foods in my diet for my digestion, which actually really does work for me. I think I have a book on fermentation with me right now so maybe I’ll flip through it and get a few ideas here and there.
Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.
Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.
So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.
I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.
Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.
I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.
Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.
Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.
Each day of class seems to be a little weird in its own way. The day started off great but then some disappointment happened. I feel like talking about it would reveal a bit too much should anyone find this so I’ll just leave it at that. In any case I was pretty bitter. It felt like I was being singled out and I started to get angry, silently, at other people who were doing what I wanted to do. I realized it was childish in the moment so I didn’t make anything of it and tried to make the best of a not ideal situation.
Later in the day I was just feeling off, mostly from seeing my dad yesterday. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn’t let it go. Another small but annoying thing happened later which seemed to compound on my already foul mood. Both events were focused around the person I like which was really the main reason why I was unhappy. Not too long after I was just listening to the lecture when out of the corner of my eye I saw them look over at me but as soon as they thought I was looking they snapped back away. I don’t know, it just felt kind of nice in a weird way. I’ve been trying my best to not assume someone likes me but its little moments like that which make me feel like it might actually be true. That being said, I’d like to take this slow and let it smolder rather than turn into a wildfire.
Caught up with most of my homework so I ‘rewarded’ myself with a bit of goofing off, though I think I’ll try to do some extra work so I can have more free time to do whatever I want during the weekend or what have you. At work I remembered something and asked my supervisor. Unfortunately they remembered that one of my coworkers was going to be absent on a particular day that I usually have off and I, both wanting more money and being somewhat of a door mat, agreed to take the time. Problem is that time, as far as I’ve been lead to believe, is a volunteer time I took in order to both have something to put on my resume but also hang out with this special person. I was planning on asking them afterwards if they wanted to hang out, as the both of us would have the rest of the day off, but alas more annoying stuff unfortunately.
My family has had way too many run ins with cancer. There is, of course, my dad who is in hospice from his cancer, my mom who had a scare but also another relative who had a mastectomy a while ago. I’ve been really self conscious because a lot of people who I am related to by blood seem to be contracting it left and right. Making matters worse is I’ve noticed an abnormal growth underneath my arm. At first I thought it was a bug bite and it would go away but it hasn’t for a few days. Obviously I’m kind of freaking out and now my mind is making up a bunch of other things to signify that it is cancer and since I don’t (as far as I know) have any health insurance I’m not sure how much it would be to go to the doctor to get a biopsy or x-ray to check and make sure its nothing. Not to get too graphic but right now the only method I can think of is to get a sharp knife and… perform surgery on myself. I honestly don’t know what to do.