Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

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Currently – 10/13/19 (Dieting, Cooking, Investing)

I feel like every post I say something negative… I know I’ve said this a lot, but this blog is primarily just my day to day thoughts and such. That being said I feel like every time I get on here there’s always something negative. That’s not to say it isn’t true but maybe, every once and a while, I’ll skip the negatives and just talk about the positives. I’ll probably drop this pretty shortly after, as I am known to do, but let’s try it!

So I’ve been looking at my body and sort of disappointed in what I’ve been seeing. Exercising is something I want to get more into but I should also shape up how I eat as well. I’ve been working on doing some intermittent fasting which… I’m not sure if its working? I guess, maybe, its helping me with my own personal control over not overeating. At least I hope it is. The basic idea is to limit the amount of time I eat down to a period and apart from that I kind of fast. Basically I’m just actively skipping breakfast in an effort to be more conscious of my eating habits. I think its working, at least from the stand point that I’m making plans on what to eat instead of shoveling random things in my mouth at any time of the day.

Today I cooked something really interesting. It was like a chicken stew. Basically just a less watery chicken soup. It actually tasted pretty good so I was surprised. I cook somewhat often but I’m not really adventurous because I’m cooking for other people so this was kind of out of the way for me. I didn’t get any feedback from the people who ate some of it, which kind of sucks because I wanted to know if it was good or not. In any case, I’m pretty happy with what I’ve done so that’s nice.

I’ve been thinking about getting into small time investments as a way to potentially make a lot more money. I signed up with this company called Robinhood and they seem decent? I mean they gave me a free stock for signing up which was nice. Its not a whole lot but its free and if I decide to cash out its literally just all my money… I think. Anyways, I’ve been saving up some money so I could go on a trip and that might not be happening any time soon so I figured why not spend a few bucks and potentially make more?

I guess the investing idea is also to make me more of an adult, as weird as that sounds. I don’t do many ‘adult’ things like finances, going to clubs, drinking or anything like that. I mostly stay at home, play video games and watch tv shows which I’m fine with but most people usually give me weird looks. Not to say I care about what others think because I feel kind of happy just doing this. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing so I feel like its just hobbies that aren’t harmful and don’t cost a whole lot, though that can vary.

It would be really cool if this investing thing could get me some actual money that I could use to build a future. I keep having this idea of me being this new age investor type where I’m just wearing very chill and comfortable clothes but I make lots of money and use that to fund a great and adventurous life. I don’t understand why people with vast amounts of money just stay close to all of it and sit on that. Why not spend it on something fun? Life is short and you’ve been basically given a free ticket to see this vast world!

I think I would start traveling to Europe then some of the Asian countries like Japan and China then go to Australia. I also think it would be really interesting to go to India and try some of the local cuisine. It really got into my head after I watched that street food documentary on Netflix. I’ve traveled around a fair bit already in my past, some in America and one trip outside of my country. The header of this blog is actually from Iceland. I guess I just really want to find a place out there where I belong and can be at peace with someone special.

Currently – 10/11/19 (Family, Money, Diet)

Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.

If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.

Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.

If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.

I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 10/6/19 (Work, Friend, Class)

Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.

Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.

Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!

Currently – 9/28/19 (Work, Class, Travel)

Still technically on my shift but the day is basically over at this point. As usual a pretty chill day at work, all things considered. I put a little more effort in today than usual but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed which sucks. Then again it did feel good to put a little bit more in so it wasn’t all bad.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my class lately. It really feels like I’ve been taking it easy and not putting in the effort I should be. At the very least I should do it so if I do get to go on my internship they don’t kick me out immediately. Someone I worked with recently gave me an idea how I can practice outside of class and it should only cost around like twenty bucks so I might go for that. At the very least if I buy this thing then I’ll stare at it and realize I should be practicing. Not sure if I can practice on myself so I should ask the teacher about it on Monday.

After that surprise windfall of money from my last paycheck I’ve been thinking more and more about going to visit my friend when I have the opportunity. I’ve been looking up the prices of hostels in her area but I think I should really be focusing on that plane ticket. I did something really dumb and confided in my mom about going. Her response was to basically accuse my friend of being a murderer or thief that is trying to lure me to her so she can harm me. That fear has always been in the back of my head because my friend just seems so unreal to me but there’s really genuine moments I can’t share that have me convinced she isn’t lying to me. Or maybe I should listen to the fear.

Either way I have to talk to her about it first. I’m not sure she’s in the right head space to see me at the moment or when she actually has free time to do so. I haven’t been out of the country in maybe over a year so this could be good. My class will break for a few times so my windows to see her within a period of time a pretty slim, not to mention how the flights will get much more expensive the closer it gets to tourist season. Right now I have enough for the flight so if I’m diligent about saving in a few more paychecks I’ll have enough to survive over there.

Right now it still seems like a dream that this could ever happen. I feel like as soon as we meet it will cement that this is something more than just talking to each other over the phone. Not saying it would escalate to dating or anything like that because I don’t think she’s interested. This could be the best decision of my life or the worst. I’m not really sure which voice to listen to right now: the optimist or the pessimist. I feel like a healthy balance would work. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have traveled to a country I’ve thought about going to for a while so it can’t all be bad.

Currently – 9/27/19 (Friend, Help, Fine)

Interesting day, all things considered. Woke up pretty early. Well… early for someone who has nowhere to go. I got my check for work but was taken aback by the frankly large number, nearly twice what I usually get. Turns out it was compensation for overpaying for my health insurance some time ago. Either way I have a pretty decent chunk of change in the bank. My first instinct was to buy a bunch of games that I really shouldn’t even be playing now that I need to devote more time to school but something else made me change my mind a bit.

Last post, I believe, I said that I was going to contact my friend to get some help. Credit to me for actually following through. Unfortunately she wasn’t really in the mood to deal with my problems but we did have a brief chat in which she said she was feeling a lot better. Even though she wasn’t really up to hearing me vent it was really nice to here that she’s feeling better. I think its important to realize your own limits and how far you’re willing to go as well as being honest with yourself. She can’t help me with my problems right now, and she has in the past so I know she isn’t just blowing me off, and that’s fine. I’m really happy she’s doing well.

So that sort of leads me into what I was thinking about. Previously she has mentioned that she’d like to see me some time so I was wondering about saving up some money and visiting her eventually. I don’t think right now is the best time but eventually, maybe. In the meantime I can save up the money, make travel plans and get an idea on how much it will cost to go and see her. My class will be breaking at least twice for winter and summer(?) breaks so I’ve got some time windows that it could possibly happen. Either way its just something to think about.

I’ve been trying to start fasting regularly on Fridays. I’m not sure how its going. Unfortunately I’m not really used to not eating the entire day so I usually spend most of the day not eating then later eating way too much which is definitely counter productive. I think I’ll look into some videos or articles on how to do it properly. Ideally I could make up a plan but school is sort of cutting into it. I would really like to do a full cleanse for the day and eat nothing while drinking plenty of water. I’ve actually lost some weight from being more picky with my food, and maybe fasting has helped, so I feel a lot better lately.