Currently – 8/6/19 (Pain, Honesty, Future)

I just want to start off with some really uncomfortable honesty. I haven’t been in a good place for a long time. If I’m being honest I can’t remember when I was in a good place, to put it bluntly. We were kicked out of our house in order to save the family business which started going south after my grandfather passed away, my dad (someone who I have never had a good relationship with) is currently on his deathbed with cancer and is trying to connect with me with whatever small amount of time he has left, I started up a friendship with someone I respected and began to care for a lot but ultimately screwed it up because of my own faults, and in between that time I was let go from a job I had for almost ten years and then got a new job only to be fired days later. Not to mention the fact that all of this eventually culminated in a pretty severe panic attack that left me with a persistent pain in my chest I’m still having as I’m writing this.

Above all right now I just really want to finish this book. I’m not making excuses as to why I’m not working on it, rather just saying a lot has been going on in my life and I’m not really sure what to do. Despite me having said some… not great things to this person they have been kind enough to allow me to speak to them on occasion. They gave me some advice early this morning when I wasn’t capable of sleeping which ultimately culminated in “Take a break for now”. Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to attempt writing again but I can’t make any promises. Above all else my own personal health and dealing with it comes first.

My greatest fear is that I will be nothing. That I will live my life struggling without ever finding meaning. I’ll eventually die and have contributed nothing. Never finding love with another, never fulfilling any of my dreams and never having put my mark on the world in any way possible. I will die alone and unknown. The thought of that is genuinely terrifying and I’ve been doing my best to either surpass in doing things of worth or simply mentally and emotionally moving beyond this idea. Writing is my one talent, the one thing I can do to potentially make a better life for myself and put my mark on existence, no matter how small.

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: Once I am able I plan to go to therapy. Unfortunately that’s an expensive thing so until I can actually make some decent amount of money that’s a future thing at best. I still have bills to pay in the meantime and I occasionally need to eat. As much as I would like my government to consider health care a priority for all people to be able to get the help they need that just isn’t reality right now.

Above all else I just want to thank every single one of you for coming to this blog, not only to read but like and comment on these posts. They’ve been an immensely positive effect on my life no matter how small. I am still very much dedicated to showing you all my work so we can discuss it or just simply enjoy it together. I’m not going to push myself to get to that point, however. But when it is done I promise that I will share it with you. Until then, thank you for being here with me.

Currently – 7/20/19 (Family, Annoyed, Tired)

I decided to cut the weekend at my parents’ house short. Usually I’ll leave early Sunday in an attempt to beat the traffic and have an excuse not to go to church. Last night my dad kept me up well past 2 am. As you know I have sleep problems of my own already so when I really want to sleep I just go for it. I started actually getting tired so it was the perfect balance. Not only did I want to sleep but my body agreed and we were perfectly in sync at the moment.

However, instead of going to sleep I had to cater to my dad’s whims. Every so often he would get up to try and go to the bathroom and I had to help him stand up to which he would either just sit down because it was too painful to stand or he wasn’t able to use the bathroom. This happened at least three times, once when I had already laid down and was halfway into deep REM sleep. If that wasn’t bad enough he just kept talking in his sleep so I had to keep an ear open thinking he actually needed my help.

If it was just that I could handle it but no. Cut to me waking up suddenly to hearing my dad yelling. Of course I’m thinking something is seriously wrong but in actuality he was just trying to get someone’s attention to try and go to the bathroom. After I’m done I feel like going back to sleep because I’ve gotten, at best, four hours of sleep. What instead happened was a three hour long ordeal of me trying to cater to my dad’s wishes and never satisfying them.

My final breaking point was when he asked me what time it was, which seems pretty innocuous but for him will often trigger a pattern that every five minutes he’ll ask what the time is. Worse yet is that we actually have an Echo in the home and all he needs to do is ask it what time it is, which is also annoying but at least I don’t have to tell him fifteen times in a row. Making matters worse it feels like he’s mocking me with the time, like he’s reminding me of how little sleep I’ve got and how long I’ve been forced to cater to his needs. I storm out of the house with all my things and head back to my place. Even worse still he calls me to essentially guilt me for leaving and leverage that he pays off my car bill and I need to be there for him but ‘allows’ me to leave.

Part of my reference when it comes to writing is consuming as much content as possible for whatever genre I’m hoping to write for in an attempt to get an idea of how I should start the story. Something I’ve been meaning to watch all these years was Twin Peaks because I’m writing some supernatural/cerebral horror. A character in the show becomes disabled and forced to be cared for by a character they abused in the past and they have a horrible time of it. I wasn’t expecting the show to have such relevance for me.

I know I haven’t talked about my family life all that much but its not great. My main desire when it comes to getting a job is to become financially independent enough to the point where I can move away and not be forced to interact with them. I feel trapped, like I’m under someone’s thumb. And at the same time I feel conflicted, as if I know how I should be acting and feeling right now but my past prevents me from having the normal reaction to my parent dying. Talking about it this way genuinely feels monstrous and its difficult to be truthful. I just want this to end.

Currently – 7/16/19 (Money, Realization, Writing)

You ever hear the right thing at the wrong time? Like the best advice you could get at a time when you weren’t capable of comprehending it or it came from a person you weren’t in the right place with? I have that often. I suppose its kind of a blessing. Often times I’ll just have this eureka moment where the perfect advice I needed just popped into my head that I received years ago.

Money problems are still and issue so I signed up for (another) one of those survey sites. This one seems to be a bit better. I was using Swagbucks but they keep their stuff behind a credit’s system that you have to convert into non cash items. Basically it was just inconvenient, not to mention all the surveys handed out fractions of pennies for what I wanted while also taking a long time to do. This other one seems decent but I think I have to give it a bit more time before I’m totally sold. They rack up rewards in actual money as opposed to points. Anyways, I’m getting off track.

So there was this particular survey that I took part in about health. I was doing my best just to finish it as honestly and quickly as possible but then it switched to talking about my mental health. I was really forced to honestly question myself about my own personal problems and literally quantify in precise terms how it was affecting my life. Seems dumb to say that a survey really pushed the idea further into my head but, ya, I’m in a really bad place. Of course that’s pretty obvious, I’ve talked about it before, but I guess its one of those moments where its like stacking more evidence on an idea that was already ruminating in my head.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ll do if and when I get another job. Maybe move out of where I am, of course I’ll pay off more bills, maybe I’ll try to get back into that diet I was working on. But I think the biggest thing I need to do is see a therapist. It seems like this really needs to be my first step. I know I’ve been as honest as I can be on here but there’s things that I feel like I can’t admit to anyone. Not illegal or anything but being vulnerable. Discussing my innermost thoughts.

It feels weird to say but I think one day I’m going to be happy. I’m going to look back on this and maybe have a smile. The idea that I went through all of this and came out on the other side of it a much more whole and complete person really feels like everything I want. Some day I could be stable, wake up, look in the mirror and feel alright. Seems like a far off dream but one worth working towards.

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Currently – 7/15/19 (Patreon, Writing, Lyft)

You ever have one of those dreams where it feels real? I dreamed that my Patreon basically just blew up overnight and I immediately never had to worry about money ever again. Before that I also had a dream that I was getting pocket change so at least my brain tried to be a bit more realistic. I’m not entirely sure how to do this. I made some goals and stuff but it definitely feels like those need to change. Some stuff kind of seems worth it but others definitely look weird.

On the plus side its actually forced me to write a bit more. For the first time in a while I actually had the drive to work on one of my books. I already had a chapter ready to post but it just needed some proofreading and editing and it was ready. Second chapter isn’t done but I feel like its going to be a much smoother process. The story is in my head and I just need to put it on paper. If you are interested I posted the first chapter on Patreon for the public but I feel like it would be best for all other chapters to be patron exclusive. I might change that later or simply just put a timer on it.

I think I’m going to follow up with some insurance companies to see which one would be decent for ride sharing. I’ve got a list that I’ll probably call after I’m finished posting this. I’ll probably need it just to stay afloat for the time being. If I’m being honest I don’t think Patreon is going to become much of anything. I want it to be but… It just doesn’t look like it right now. Maybe I need to give it some more time.

In the meantime it would still be good to work on my book more. I like the story and think it can go far. Though I think I need to go back to making outlines because some parts seem a little bit flimsy to me. But I do like the story that’s in my head and I hope others do too. I think the next chapter will be ready in like maybe two weeks. Not to say I can’t finish it sooner rather I just feel like giving it a decent amount of time to ruminate.

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Currently – 7/5/19 Updated (Evening, Weekend, Uncertain)

Weekend, am I right? I mean every single day that you’re unemployed is basically a weekend so not much has changed. I’ve been spending a lot of time doing a lot of nothing and I’m really interested in changing that as soon as possible. Regardless of what that means.

Today I was… slightly more productive. I looked up some more jobs, some of which seem pretty decent and I could actually do. I might apply for them soon. Maybe I’ll look around a bit. I believe I mentioned that I was going to go to a trade school before but the class was moved to the Fall. It sucks because the class would have been a possible door in to a decent paying job. I think that’s why I’m slacking on this.

I think this weekend I’ll do some reflecting. What I want and what I can do. My mom told me she’ll help me with Lyft. Its just a problem with the insurance. Once that’s done all I need to do is to get a check up on my car and take a test. Its not going to be a lot of money but it should help me with my bills. Really all I need is about 500 USD each month. That’s not a whole lot either way but I’ll be satisfied with it.

I think right now I need to be a little more reasonable. In the sense of my spending habits and my work ethic. Maybe I’ll start doing some better work on money. I’ve been thinking about investing that money. That’s not super sensible but its better to invest small bits of money rather than wasting it on dumb stuff. Or at least that’s how I see it. I’ll see what comes when I’m there.

Currently – 7/5/19 (Morning, Diligence, Growth)

Hey everyone. This is a bit earlier than I usually post. I’ve been looking over the stats and kind of realized since a fair bit of my reader base is located overseas I thought I would post this a bit earlier just to gauge if this could work better. Let me know what you think of this. I’d really appreciate some feedback so I can make this blog better.

Last night one of my friends texted me just to say hi, which was really nice. I was planning on texting her but I wasn’t sure if she was celebrating with her family on the Fourth of July. It wasn’t anything serious, just a nice chat. We talked about our lives and what was going on between the two of us. It really lifted my spirits.

During the text we talked about our own personal weight problems. Personally I have nothing against her body type but she’s expressed concern from various stand points. I have my own problems that are mostly due to my poor diet and exercise choices. I think the biggest problem I have is that my body type is so close within reach and easily attainable but I just need to mentally get myself into shape. There was a time when I was exercising a bit more but I dropped it for reasons.

Apart from that, I still have money issues which I can fully admit are my fault. Not only from the stand point that I’m not actually going out there and trying to get work but also with what I do in my down time. Its very good to unwind from a long day’s work but its important what you do with that time. What I’ve been doing in playing video games non stop when I should really be doing something more productive but relaxing or even combining that with another action like exercising in between cut scenes or during a loading screen. Essentially just a small thing that can lead to healthier mental practices in the future.

For less than a week I started getting into meditation. I dropped it because I felt that I picked up some interesting and useful tips. However I feel like I want to go another step beyond. Sure it helped me get most of my anger and anxiety under control as well as a nice and calming breathing exercise, but I really want to push the limits of what I could do. I’m not saying I’ll gain super powers (but I wouldn’t say no to some) rather what I want is a better understanding of my mind and body. How far can I detach myself and experience the world? Will I understand who I am on a fundamental level? Who knows, but I’m excited to try and see.

Currently – 7/4/19 (Bored, Disappointed, Lazy)

Its Independence Day and…! I have done nothing productive. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m taking a break off for the holiday but pretty much every single day has been like this. Honestly I’m just annoyed at the lack of work every time I try to find some. Its pretty discouraging to say the least when I know I need money but all the jobs I see I’m not qualified for or they’re very sketchy.

Instead of just sitting around I decided to text my friend and she didn’t answer. Although, if I’m being honest, I just sent her a dumb joke image to test the waters on whether she wanted to talk or not. I’m disappointed she didn’t answer but I’m sure she has a good reason. I thought it would have been the perfect time to talk but I guess not. My guess is she’s busy with work so I’m not going to make a big deal out of this.

So for pretty much waking up I’ve just been playing video games. I know its not good or healthy or productive but I just don’t want to focus on all of that annoying stuff, if only for just one day. I keep looking for people to blame why this entire process is so frustrating but the buck keeps getting passed off on another thing and I don’t want to go through that circle of annoyance if I don’t have to.

Maybe I just need to be more productive. Put my nose to the grindstone, or what have you, and just do what needs to be done. I’ll try better tomorrow. For now I think I’ll just be a bit lazy. Not saying I’ve earned it, just in the sense that I don’t feel its going to be any more productive than sitting in front of a computer trying to find potential jobs but ending up finding nothing. I’ll find a way out of this soon. I have to.