Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

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Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 8/18/19 (Bored, Constant, Change)

If I’m being honest I’m kind of annoyed that I have nothing interesting to talk about here. Life is… boring, honestly. I mean I prefer boring to bad but… still. The only really different thing I did today was go out and pick up some groceries. Also I guess I made chicken stock for the first time. I haven’t tasted it yet but it smells good. I’ve been meaning to make a stock for a while because the food I eat is bland. Might beef up some of my daily dishes for a bit… provided it actually tastes good, I’m not sure.

I think I need to change my reason for wanting to write. I keep getting into this mindset of making money from it, which is good don’t get me wrong. The problem is I’m not receiving any money from it right now so my brain is pushing it to the back like “This isn’t important”. I really just want to write for me. Even if its just to create my own stories that someone somewhere down the line can read and enjoy them. Being famous isn’t really my end goal but turning it into a full time job, or otherwise being able to monetize my works, would be great.

Right now I feel like I want to get into a better place mentally. To understand who I am, what I’m doing and to overcome my more negative traits. A therapist would be immensely helpful but until I can get a stable job with good pay that probably isn’t going to be a thing. I’d really like to get a Patreon up and running and somehow monetize… something. Maybe have some freedom to go around and do things while making money at the same time. I’d like that a lot.

Currently – 8/10/19 (Slow, Stagnation, Halted)

If you couldn’t tell already by the description… today was not a good writing day. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong. My best guess is either I’ve thrown myself out of sync or I need to just do another outline. I think another outline would be the most sensible thing to do. The story itself is fairly short with just around ten chapters (as far as I can see) so I’m hoping each subsequent chapter is easier to write.

Apart from writing I had… a day. Not bad, not good. Talked to someone. The conversation wasn’t pleasant because they were having a bad day. I tried to help them through it but I’m honestly never sure if I’m actually helping someone. Even still, I do like helping others so I’ll always try and be there when they need it.

Also worked today. I’m kind of just waiting for that first paycheck to come in. I’m sort of feeling awkward about asking about it considering its sort of a live in work situation and that could make things uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. At the moment I don’t really need any money so I’m fine there. I hope the paycheck is enough to keep me stable.

A weird thing I’m feeling right now is just exhaustion. I’m not sure why. I mean I texted the person before I was going to bed and I was woken up early by their response, I guess. But even that shouldn’t have put a major impact on me. Right now its really difficult to keep my eyes open, though I can sleep so its not a big deal either way. I was having a pretty bad migraine earlier out of nowhere but I drank some tart juice and that seemed to help. I may be getting sick unfortunately. Hopefully I can stop it before it goes too far.

Currently – 8/6/19 (Pain, Honesty, Future)

I just want to start off with some really uncomfortable honesty. I haven’t been in a good place for a long time. If I’m being honest I can’t remember when I was in a good place, to put it bluntly. We were kicked out of our house in order to save the family business which started going south after my grandfather passed away, my dad (someone who I have never had a good relationship with) is currently on his deathbed with cancer and is trying to connect with me with whatever small amount of time he has left, I started up a friendship with someone I respected and began to care for a lot but ultimately screwed it up because of my own faults, and in between that time I was let go from a job I had for almost ten years and then got a new job only to be fired days later. Not to mention the fact that all of this eventually culminated in a pretty severe panic attack that left me with a persistent pain in my chest I’m still having as I’m writing this.

Above all right now I just really want to finish this book. I’m not making excuses as to why I’m not working on it, rather just saying a lot has been going on in my life and I’m not really sure what to do. Despite me having said some… not great things to this person they have been kind enough to allow me to speak to them on occasion. They gave me some advice early this morning when I wasn’t capable of sleeping which ultimately culminated in “Take a break for now”. Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to attempt writing again but I can’t make any promises. Above all else my own personal health and dealing with it comes first.

My greatest fear is that I will be nothing. That I will live my life struggling without ever finding meaning. I’ll eventually die and have contributed nothing. Never finding love with another, never fulfilling any of my dreams and never having put my mark on the world in any way possible. I will die alone and unknown. The thought of that is genuinely terrifying and I’ve been doing my best to either surpass in doing things of worth or simply mentally and emotionally moving beyond this idea. Writing is my one talent, the one thing I can do to potentially make a better life for myself and put my mark on existence, no matter how small.

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: Once I am able I plan to go to therapy. Unfortunately that’s an expensive thing so until I can actually make some decent amount of money that’s a future thing at best. I still have bills to pay in the meantime and I occasionally need to eat. As much as I would like my government to consider health care a priority for all people to be able to get the help they need that just isn’t reality right now.

Above all else I just want to thank every single one of you for coming to this blog, not only to read but like and comment on these posts. They’ve been an immensely positive effect on my life no matter how small. I am still very much dedicated to showing you all my work so we can discuss it or just simply enjoy it together. I’m not going to push myself to get to that point, however. But when it is done I promise that I will share it with you. Until then, thank you for being here with me.

Currently – 7/20/19 (Family, Annoyed, Tired)

I decided to cut the weekend at my parents’ house short. Usually I’ll leave early Sunday in an attempt to beat the traffic and have an excuse not to go to church. Last night my dad kept me up well past 2 am. As you know I have sleep problems of my own already so when I really want to sleep I just go for it. I started actually getting tired so it was the perfect balance. Not only did I want to sleep but my body agreed and we were perfectly in sync at the moment.

However, instead of going to sleep I had to cater to my dad’s whims. Every so often he would get up to try and go to the bathroom and I had to help him stand up to which he would either just sit down because it was too painful to stand or he wasn’t able to use the bathroom. This happened at least three times, once when I had already laid down and was halfway into deep REM sleep. If that wasn’t bad enough he just kept talking in his sleep so I had to keep an ear open thinking he actually needed my help.

If it was just that I could handle it but no. Cut to me waking up suddenly to hearing my dad yelling. Of course I’m thinking something is seriously wrong but in actuality he was just trying to get someone’s attention to try and go to the bathroom. After I’m done I feel like going back to sleep because I’ve gotten, at best, four hours of sleep. What instead happened was a three hour long ordeal of me trying to cater to my dad’s wishes and never satisfying them.

My final breaking point was when he asked me what time it was, which seems pretty innocuous but for him will often trigger a pattern that every five minutes he’ll ask what the time is. Worse yet is that we actually have an Echo in the home and all he needs to do is ask it what time it is, which is also annoying but at least I don’t have to tell him fifteen times in a row. Making matters worse it feels like he’s mocking me with the time, like he’s reminding me of how little sleep I’ve got and how long I’ve been forced to cater to his needs. I storm out of the house with all my things and head back to my place. Even worse still he calls me to essentially guilt me for leaving and leverage that he pays off my car bill and I need to be there for him but ‘allows’ me to leave.

Part of my reference when it comes to writing is consuming as much content as possible for whatever genre I’m hoping to write for in an attempt to get an idea of how I should start the story. Something I’ve been meaning to watch all these years was Twin Peaks because I’m writing some supernatural/cerebral horror. A character in the show becomes disabled and forced to be cared for by a character they abused in the past and they have a horrible time of it. I wasn’t expecting the show to have such relevance for me.

I know I haven’t talked about my family life all that much but its not great. My main desire when it comes to getting a job is to become financially independent enough to the point where I can move away and not be forced to interact with them. I feel trapped, like I’m under someone’s thumb. And at the same time I feel conflicted, as if I know how I should be acting and feeling right now but my past prevents me from having the normal reaction to my parent dying. Talking about it this way genuinely feels monstrous and its difficult to be truthful. I just want this to end.