Currently – 11/16/19 (Job, Work, Sore)

I don’t have many details on my family’s now former business or who shut it down and it really doesn’t matter at this point. Its gone and we just have to move forward. I’ve been fired before and I need to do the same as well, move forward that is. I’ve applied to two places so we’ll see how that works out. Right now I’m just trying to survive until the end of my class and we’ll take it from there.

I got my last check cashed today so it kind of hit me that this is really over and I’m not dreaming or rather having a nightmare. Right now things have quieted down but there’s this air of unease hanging over all of us. I still need a job and things aren’t really going to well. What I would really like to know is this just the prelude before everything gets a lot worse or are we finally in the clear for a bit. I spent part of the day helping my mom unload a bunch of files and sensitive information out of the building. Apparently we’re going to be evicted by Monday. Its really insane how quick this process really was compared to how we were teetering on the edge for around five years before this point. We’re getting almost no notices and being shoved out the door within days as if we’re a tenant that’s just come by as opposed to being here for literal decades.

Anyways, while I was working I got a call on my phone from the sign spinning place. The job really isn’t ideal but I need the money and if this works out I could have enough to survive for a while. As it stands, with what I have, I can last until January and then I’m in trouble. My family has told me they’ll help out where they can, which is nice, but I don’t want to be indebted to them. I’ll call on them if I need it but right now I need to find my own footing and I have time.

After all that work my body is just sore. I spent around two or three hours hauling everything around. I just hope the interview I have tomorrow doesn’t force me to do anything too strenuous or my body is healed up by then. Right now all I’m thinking about is going back to class. That’s really the best thing right now and I need to keep with it. All the people there, what I’m learning, the potential, the possibilities. I don’t know what I would do if that falls through and I’m not going to.

Currently – 11/15/19 (Unemployed, Distraught, Afraid)

As you can tell by the title I no longer have a job… again. This would be the third time in a row if you’re keeping count. In this case, however, I wasn’t fired just unceremoniously laid-off. For once my work ethic and attitude were not a factor in my current state of unemployment. I was told today just a few hours ago.

There’s a lot wrong with this. The first is that I actually needed the job and it was a great safety net. The second is the way that it happened while the third is everyone’s reactions to it. It seems like whenever my life is starting to pick up I get sucker punched again. In terms of the reactions my family is not supportive at all. I won’t go into too many details but right now I’m just feeling really awful and their reaction to it is just bewilderment that I’m feeling this way.

I’m still going to school, and its going to stay that way for as long as I can manage, so I need to continue working towards that. Right now my best option for employment is a sign flipper which is not ideal if you were wondering. I’ve been spending the last few hours searching for jobs that can work with my schedule. But my brain just feels completely tapped out and exhausted so I’m going to relax for a bit before I send out this one job application and pray I can get it in time to keep myself afloat. If not, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.

Currently – 11/1/19 (Volunteer, Work, Relationships)

Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.

Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.

So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 8/18/19 (Bored, Constant, Change)

If I’m being honest I’m kind of annoyed that I have nothing interesting to talk about here. Life is… boring, honestly. I mean I prefer boring to bad but… still. The only really different thing I did today was go out and pick up some groceries. Also I guess I made chicken stock for the first time. I haven’t tasted it yet but it smells good. I’ve been meaning to make a stock for a while because the food I eat is bland. Might beef up some of my daily dishes for a bit… provided it actually tastes good, I’m not sure.

I think I need to change my reason for wanting to write. I keep getting into this mindset of making money from it, which is good don’t get me wrong. The problem is I’m not receiving any money from it right now so my brain is pushing it to the back like “This isn’t important”. I really just want to write for me. Even if its just to create my own stories that someone somewhere down the line can read and enjoy them. Being famous isn’t really my end goal but turning it into a full time job, or otherwise being able to monetize my works, would be great.

Right now I feel like I want to get into a better place mentally. To understand who I am, what I’m doing and to overcome my more negative traits. A therapist would be immensely helpful but until I can get a stable job with good pay that probably isn’t going to be a thing. I’d really like to get a Patreon up and running and somehow monetize… something. Maybe have some freedom to go around and do things while making money at the same time. I’d like that a lot.