I keep telling myself “Today is the day I say the truth” but it always gets pushed back for one reason or another. I didn’t necessarily have a good opportunity today either but it was much better. I guess I’m just afraid they’ll answer the way I think they will: reject my feelings towards them because I misunderstood the situation and now I’ve lost a friend because I wanted a partner. Tomorrow, if the stars align and all things go well, I’ll try to put forth that idea. Though the two of us are going to be doing an extra assignment on our day of so that could end up backfiring pretty harshly. Though right now I just feel like I need to say it because if I don’t I’ll never know and I honestly can’t tell which is worse: being rejected or never knowing.
I guess I’m just tired of being alone. Its not really about sex or anything like that, really I just want someone to come home to or to have a person who I know is on my side. Someone who’s going to make me a better person simply by the merit of me wanting to become a better person just for them. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way but that’s how it feels for me and saying otherwise doesn’t feel honest, not to you or myself. Right now all I want to do is to be accepted by someone and never have to second guess their feelings or actions.
On that same note, my mom texted me during class adamant to get me to come home for dinner. ‘Home’ is three hours away just to get there, thirty bucks worth of gas and reminds me my dad is going to die either this year or the next all while I have a test I have to study for tomorrow. One of the ways she tried to get me to go was by asking about my current diet and whether or not I could eat something. She was being really accepting but we’ve already been through this a few years ago. I said I was going vegan and she launched into a diatribe about how this and that and talked about a lot of weird conspiracy theories she heard on conservative radio talk about how cattle farmers are “really decent people and cows are not hurting the climate!” Needless to say we had a fight about this when the actual part of what I said was “I’m going vegan because I’ve heard there’s a lot of bad stuff going on around, both with the environment and health wise, and can’t eat animal products without having these new pieces of information stuck in my head.”
I’ve never really had a good relationship with my family. We’ve always been combative with each other and I can’t say that I wasn’t partially to blame. However the biggest problem I have is with acceptance. It genuinely doesn’t feel like my parent’s are going to accept my diet, my otherwise sensible lifestyle choices or my sexuality. First and foremost its important that I accept myself otherwise I’m going to live a miserable life and if my parents don’t accept me while I’m alive I’m not going to care all that much. That being said it doesn’t feel great to know that each day you’re living your life you have this thought at the back of your mind reminding you that all you are is denied by those who created you and the less I dwell on those thoughts the better.
Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.
If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.
Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.
If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.
I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…
For once I… actually had a not great day at class. I’m not sure why, everything was going well. I guess I just started to feel left out near the end of the day for a superficial reason that doesn’t really warrant mentioning. I kind of just felt this deep loneliness well up inside of me, despite being around other people who wanted me to talk. Maybe its just a chemical problem in my brain or something. I don’t know.
Further pushing the bad part of the day in my dad called me out of nowhere, during the class, just to ramble on about some dumb stuff. Talking about how I sounded angry on the phone yesterday or something. As he was talking I could hear his face was swelled up, like his mouth just couldn’t form words properly. Not wanting the conversation to go on for any longer than it had to I just placated him, saying I wasn’t trying to hang up as quickly as possible. I was mad, actually. He called me yesterday in a concealed effort to snipe at me and call me out for perceived laziness.
A few hours later my mom called me up to ‘check up’ on me as well. She explained my dad was just completely out of it mentally and I could hear him on the other end as she yelled out what I was saying all the while I was trying to forget about the day and relax for a bit. This annoyance with my parents may seem unusual or even cruel considering my dad is basically on his death bed with cancer but I’m not going to go into too much detail. Basically they’ve been doing this stuff all my life and, even now nearly pushing 30, I can’t escape from them treating me like a child. It was annoying when I was a teenager when they did this which told me they had no faith in me, now its degrading and just brings back old memories. I can’t help but feel they stunted my growth which has lead to me today being socially inept, single and about as sexually knowledgeable as an average teenager.
So I guess I want to channel these feelings into something more productive. Before it was food and video games now its… well its still food and video games but maybe lets fit some exercise into it. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately disliking everything I see. I don’t really want to be ripped but I really just want to tone everything down to a point where if I took off my shirt I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I looked up some videos on how to tighten up my core, and now my recommendations have been pushing even more stuff on me. I found some pretty rigorous things online that I’ve been doing every morning, afternoon and night and I actually feel really good and have seen some decent results in just a few days. Hopefully I can keep up with this.
Today started off normal until my mom called me. We went to the school to pay off the final fee and do some other small stuff. My grandma was putting up part of the money so that I can take the class and she wanted to talk to me. She voiced her concerns saying that the class I was taking, which would lead to a job, is for people persons in the sense you have to have good social skills. It was the first time I’ve talked to her in months so it was kind of an unpleasant thing all around. She’s a very nice person in her own right but ever since my grandpa died I’ve started looking at the rest of my family in a more unfamiliar light.
Its not that I haven’t experienced death or the death of a family member before but my grandpa’s death really broke me. I never cried so hard than when I stood at his bedside seeing his lifeless body, or rather I crumpled to the floor. After going through the grieving process I remember the last time I saw him alive weeks before. He walked by me across a hallway. He didn’t say anything but he just stopped for a second and glared at me with such an unfamiliar and unwelcoming gaze. I tried to say something but I couldn’t and he left without saying anything either. Later I found out he was fully aware he was going to pass, in some extent, and had made plans to secure a few people’s futures beforehand. My brother received something from him whereas I feel like he abandoned me right then and there, perhaps seeing something inside of me he was disgusted by.
Of course something like that changed me forever. It felt like his final act as my grandfather was to abandon me. Of course he wasn’t always like that. He was a giant of a man in more ways than one, towering over people with both his stature and presence. He was happy and full of life as well as dedicating himself to helping those less fortunate than him, both in small ways like giving jobs to those who lived on each paycheck day to day and in creating a nonprofit business solely to help the mentally disabled live better lives. Of course this wouldn’t make him a good grandfather but simply a good person. However he was also a good grandfather, always helping his grandchildren and being a beacon for all of us. Or at least I felt he was.
Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone. I started lashing out against other people because I was afraid they would abandon me as well. If my own grandfather, someone who I had known for my entire life and trusted, could abandon me so easily knowing full well he wasn’t going to be alive for much longer then how could I trust anyone else? Its been six years since then and this feeling continues to poison every relationship I have or wish to have.
I think the worst part about it is that my grandfather seemed to be this larger than life figure who always tried to be a good man. Not a single thing he ever did in my life ever made me believe he wasn’t a kind, strong and caring man. So why did this person abandon me? I am I wrong? Evil? Did he see something in me that made him disown me in those final moments? And if that’s the case, why should I see myself as anything different? If one of my personal heroes, a kind and generous man, someone of my own blood, a man who I have never heard a single person say anything negative about, saw something terrible in me… then it had to exist, couldn’t it?