Currently – 11/14/19 (Overreacting, Meditation, Calm)

So ya… last post. I mean I’m still not happy about the day and I stand by the stuff I wrote but that’s kind of how my depression works. I’m in the lowest of the low when I’m there. If I’m being honest I think I might be bipolar but I don’t like to self diagnose. But when you’re down the only place you can go is up.

Today was a more intense session of class. We’re actually practicing invasive procedures on each other now. Right now we’re working on drawing blood in a fairly small way but still its drawing blood. I have a history of self harm so the idea of seeing my own blood again really brought back some painful memories and feelings. It was near debilitating to the point where my chest was in some serious pain and it was really difficult to breathe. I’ve been practicing meditation over the years and it really has helped immensely. Normally I would just self harm to get a slight bit of relief but that was always temporary and left me in worse shape than before, plus I sometimes did it in class or around others so people would see me bleeding pretty profusely but also being really calm about the situation. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve lost because of this behavior and how I reacted to it.

In any case, I remembered my exercises and it helped immensely. Of course there’s always the idea of the anticipation to pain rather than the pain itself that’s the worst. Your body expects it to be awful so it basically just matches all of your own perceived feelings to create sensations that will correlate to how you think the pain will feel but amplified. Essentially it would be like if you were driving and your car expected to get hit and completely trashed itself. Awareness of these feelings and the control of them can absolutely make a tense or bad situation a lot less terrible. Of course it doesn’t always work but its better to believe the pain will be a lot less than it actually will be as opposed to believing it will be a lot worse.

I guess the whole idea behind this is being aware of yourself and how to control those emotions and feelings. Once you do everything just seems a little bit better. Personally I feel as though I can take on a lot more challenges. Even thought things don’t always go as well as I might hope I’d rather have my hopes dashed than be a pessimist. I’ve also been trying to exercise a bit more frequently, as I’ve heard it helps with depression or depressive episodes. That being said you can do everything right and still end up a hot mess.

In the end things actually started to work out better. Once I got out of my own head and accepted some things I ultimately started to feel a lot better and it had a positive effect on the outside world for me as well. Instead of wallowing in my suffering the whole day I tried to get out there and, at least it seems like, that really worked out for me. Yesterday, and this morning, it felt impossible for me to laugh or have fun. But once I realized I was in that mood I pushed myself out a little bit and… well I’m feeling a lot better. I know I keep saying that but its true and I’m really a lot better. Thanks for reading this, if you are.

Currently – 10/17/19 (Off, Diligence, Work)

I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.

If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.

Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.

Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.

Currently – 9/18/19 (School, Hair, OCD)

Another day of school. Today was a little bit different. We’ve been doing more vital signs and have been ‘encouraged’ to pick a new partner everyday. This is of course, great for me as I am a socially awkward guy in a class of mostly women and there’s an odd number of students in the class! All joking aside, the past two days we’ve done this I’ve always been propositioned by a woman to do vital signs. Today I was propositioned by a cute young woman who sits at the table next to mine. I thought I was going to be extremely awkward and ruin everything by being weird but I kept it together for the most part. I was respectful (at least I think so), we did what we needed to do and then some because she was pretty efficient and she even helped me out so that was nice. I even got in a bit of small talk that was relevant to what we were doing so ultimately I would say it was good overall.

Unfortunately I kind of got a bit of the OCD after that. My attention focused on her, completely not by my choice, for most of the day. I generally tried to avoid her from the stand point of trying to be overly not creepy. We sort of bumped paths a few times which made me think that she might have thought I was getting too close to her. Of course things did not stay as I would have liked them, meeting an attractive stranger and being respectful of their space. In our class we have this very tall girl and today she sat up in front… blocking my view of the screen so I later moved my seat… and the only seat was closer to my temporary partner earlier in the day. I gave her a half smile just to say “Yep, I’m sitting here right now” as well as “I’m genuinely just trying to be a nice person and not creep you out as I’m coming from the standpoint that you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend/aren’t interested in me or dating anyone in general because you’re here to become a medical professional like I am”.

I thought all was well until the class had ended. I cleaned up my stuff and walked out. My brain conjured up the idea that she was walking behind me but of course I couldn’t look because that would be creepy, obviously. So my mind focused on the fact she might have been behind me and I tried to keep a normal pace. Down the stairs I saw a shadowy figure following close behind where I was and thought it was her. I left open the door for a few seconds and… no one came out. My first thought was she was actively avoiding me because I had inadvertently creeped her out, which definitely wasn’t my intention. So now I have to go back tomorrow and… do something. I think I’ll just try and pretend that nothing happened and maybe I was making a mountain out of an ant hill.

I think now is the best time to reveal that I pretty much have OCD. I don’t mean OCD as in “Wow, your room is so clean. You are so OCD” or “Omg I am so OCD when it comes to [insert dumb thing here]!” More OCD like I can’t sleep until I have pressed the lock on my car remote until it beeps, lock the car but check each handle at least twice, retrace my steps etc etc. It was really difficult to understand why I was doing these things but it started to make sense after a while. Unfortunately understanding a problem like OCD exists and you have it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. Mental health problems suck like that.

I’ve been trying meditation and reading this book on mindfulness on occasion. I feel like if I can get that stuff down then I’ll be able to at least deal with it. Right now I’m on the long road to trying to get through this and I’ve just started my first few steps. One step was cutting my hair for the first time in a while. I was putting it off but I really want to get through this immediately. I’m not joking when I say I have clown hair because that’s pretty much exactly what it looks like after I’ve taken a shower and let my hair rest, complete with flattened top and poofed out sides and in the back. I cut my own hair for a variety of reasons, two of which are its inconvenient to go out and get one and I’ve never had a good one before.

My hair is really difficult to cut as I have, for lack of a better term, ‘ethnic’ hair. I can easily put it into an afro given enough grow time, but the problem is I also have dandruff so… ya, gross. Whenever I cut my hair it doesn’t look good. If you need a visual metaphor there was a meme being passed around a few years ago of a politician that had this really horrible haircut and it was shopped to say “Just [bleep] me up fam.” I prefer the messed up, chopped, lost a fight with a lawn mower look than being a clown.

So my hair is… cut and tomorrow will be my last day of school before the weekend. My homework is almost all done so all I need to do is bite the bullet and walk into class to await the comments about my hair or face that nice girl who’s probably freaked out by my subtle OCD habits and accidentally getting too close to her via circumstances outside of my control. I just need to suffer through an almost seven hour class till I can breathe a sigh of relief on the weekend. Then… I don’t know. Maybe do something productive… hopefully.

Currently – 8/15/19 (Depressed, Annoyed, Stagnation)

I have just been really depressed as of late. There’s a few main core reasons but I don’t feel like talking about them is going to amount to anything. At this point its been increasingly difficult to do anything productive. Today I woke up immensely later than I usually do and just couldn’t bring myself to do anything work related. I ate extremely late as well, more out of an obligation not to starve rather than actually being hungry.

I understand completely that this isn’t sustainable. This depressive state is just absolutely draining and impossible to do anything worth while. I’m really tired of feeling this way. I want to change more than anything but I’m not sure how. At the very least I want an hour of being normal and the rest of the day could be me being depressed. Which sounds weird but I just want to be able to do things again. I can handle being depressed but I don’t want to do nothing about it or just nothing in general.

I really want to start writing again. Its not like I have any ideas on how to move forward but whenever I put my fingers to the keys I almost always just immediately bounce back into a creative mood. It also keeps my mind off of the annoying and bad things in my life so it feels healthy for me as well. I’m a pretty quiet person so writing for me is just about getting all of my thoughts and feelings that I’ve been bottling up out into the world for others to experience. My voice may not reach far but my words do. I’m still floored seeing the stats of this blog, knowing people in countries I’ve never been to occasionally visit.

I’m thinking that tomorrow, or even after this, I’m going to start doing some healthier stuff to promote a better life. Exercising on a consistent basis would be great. Of course writing more frequently or just at all is definitely up there. I actually kind of want to talk to people as well, not via text but with my actual voice… occasionally, I still feel awkard around people. I wish I lived closer to people I was in a better place with so I could interact with them in the real world but so be it. I think right now I’m going to set some sort of reminder on my phone to exercise so I don’t forget. Hopefully it goes well.

Currently – 8/6/19 (Pain, Honesty, Future)

I just want to start off with some really uncomfortable honesty. I haven’t been in a good place for a long time. If I’m being honest I can’t remember when I was in a good place, to put it bluntly. We were kicked out of our house in order to save the family business which started going south after my grandfather passed away, my dad (someone who I have never had a good relationship with) is currently on his deathbed with cancer and is trying to connect with me with whatever small amount of time he has left, I started up a friendship with someone I respected and began to care for a lot but ultimately screwed it up because of my own faults, and in between that time I was let go from a job I had for almost ten years and then got a new job only to be fired days later. Not to mention the fact that all of this eventually culminated in a pretty severe panic attack that left me with a persistent pain in my chest I’m still having as I’m writing this.

Above all right now I just really want to finish this book. I’m not making excuses as to why I’m not working on it, rather just saying a lot has been going on in my life and I’m not really sure what to do. Despite me having said some… not great things to this person they have been kind enough to allow me to speak to them on occasion. They gave me some advice early this morning when I wasn’t capable of sleeping which ultimately culminated in “Take a break for now”. Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to attempt writing again but I can’t make any promises. Above all else my own personal health and dealing with it comes first.

My greatest fear is that I will be nothing. That I will live my life struggling without ever finding meaning. I’ll eventually die and have contributed nothing. Never finding love with another, never fulfilling any of my dreams and never having put my mark on the world in any way possible. I will die alone and unknown. The thought of that is genuinely terrifying and I’ve been doing my best to either surpass in doing things of worth or simply mentally and emotionally moving beyond this idea. Writing is my one talent, the one thing I can do to potentially make a better life for myself and put my mark on existence, no matter how small.

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: Once I am able I plan to go to therapy. Unfortunately that’s an expensive thing so until I can actually make some decent amount of money that’s a future thing at best. I still have bills to pay in the meantime and I occasionally need to eat. As much as I would like my government to consider health care a priority for all people to be able to get the help they need that just isn’t reality right now.

Above all else I just want to thank every single one of you for coming to this blog, not only to read but like and comment on these posts. They’ve been an immensely positive effect on my life no matter how small. I am still very much dedicated to showing you all my work so we can discuss it or just simply enjoy it together. I’m not going to push myself to get to that point, however. But when it is done I promise that I will share it with you. Until then, thank you for being here with me.

Currently – 8/4/19 (Pain, Anxiety, Sleep)

My day started off pretty early. I couldn’t sleep at all at night so I decided to text a… former friend? I’m not sure what to classify her as. Anyways, texted her asking if we could talk. Nothing came of it and I just ended up trying to sleep. I couldn’t sleep because of anxiety and it only got worse because I, at best, got around like two hours of consistent sleep. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started having chest pains for the first time in my life since I was a teenager… and that pain hasn’t gone away as evidenced by the fact that over 12 hours later I’m still suffering from this pain.

But hey! I do have another friend. And she texted me! And I tried to make her feel better. And she stopped talking to me and I don’t know what to do. Okay. So now I’m just sitting here wondering if I should contact someone to maybe vent about how it feels like I’ve been stabbed through the back and its come out of the other end of my body and I’ve just had this pain for hours and have no idea what to do. The stabbed through the back comment wasn’t about how I feel betrayed right now but the actual physical pain I’m currently suffering with.

I guess I have some pain pills? But I don’t really like using those. If it continues around the time I need to sleep I will take some out of desperation. I don’t like keeping stuff like that around because I’ve considered and made plans to commit suicide before and I feel like keeping that stuff around is just giving me easy access if I ever decide to do it one of these days.

Got some writing done. Obviously not a lot because I am just in pain right now and I can’t really think straight. I would rather not but if this persists to tomorrow I think I’ll just kind of quit the day and sleep in as much as possible. I would like to do that right now but I have to work until at least five more hours. But as soon as I’m able I think I’m just going to go to sleep early.

Currently – 7/19/19 (Weekend, Progress?, Mood)

I forget sometimes how easy it is to get me out of my personal funk. Just need to clean something and get out of the house. Second part is more difficult due to lack of money and options but the first is really easy… mostly because I’m a slob. I finally threw away my old job’s uniform. Former boss decided to take it out of my final paycheck just as one last screw you even though I fully intended to return it. So its in the garbage and I’m moving on.

More progress done on Lyft. I won’t be able to use my insurance in case I get into an accident, which can have potential complications. But after I get an inspection done on my car then I can finally drive and maybe make some money. My mom thinks I should get some insurance that will cover me while I’m using Lyft so I think I’ll at least try to go for that.

Right now I’m at my parents’ house. Really don’t like it here for a multitude of reasons I don’t want to get into. But as a plus I get to see my cats and my brother’s dog so that’s a plus. They lift my spirits up every time I see them. I’m not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight. If its too hot to sleep at my place easily its going to be much worse here. This place is basically in the desert.

I’ve made sure not to take too many distractions here with me in an effort to put more work into a book. I still want to do it but I just have to get into the mood. The only things holding me back is the idea I might not make it and annoying life stuff getting in the way, both of which I can power through if given proper motivation. I’m still not sure where to post the finished product yet. Patreon’s posting leaves much to be desired. The format isn’t great. Even so that won’t stop me from trying to finish this product.