Currently – 11/14/19 (Overreacting, Meditation, Calm)

So ya… last post. I mean I’m still not happy about the day and I stand by the stuff I wrote but that’s kind of how my depression works. I’m in the lowest of the low when I’m there. If I’m being honest I think I might be bipolar but I don’t like to self diagnose. But when you’re down the only place you can go is up.

Today was a more intense session of class. We’re actually practicing invasive procedures on each other now. Right now we’re working on drawing blood in a fairly small way but still its drawing blood. I have a history of self harm so the idea of seeing my own blood again really brought back some painful memories and feelings. It was near debilitating to the point where my chest was in some serious pain and it was really difficult to breathe. I’ve been practicing meditation over the years and it really has helped immensely. Normally I would just self harm to get a slight bit of relief but that was always temporary and left me in worse shape than before, plus I sometimes did it in class or around others so people would see me bleeding pretty profusely but also being really calm about the situation. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve lost because of this behavior and how I reacted to it.

In any case, I remembered my exercises and it helped immensely. Of course there’s always the idea of the anticipation to pain rather than the pain itself that’s the worst. Your body expects it to be awful so it basically just matches all of your own perceived feelings to create sensations that will correlate to how you think the pain will feel but amplified. Essentially it would be like if you were driving and your car expected to get hit and completely trashed itself. Awareness of these feelings and the control of them can absolutely make a tense or bad situation a lot less terrible. Of course it doesn’t always work but its better to believe the pain will be a lot less than it actually will be as opposed to believing it will be a lot worse.

I guess the whole idea behind this is being aware of yourself and how to control those emotions and feelings. Once you do everything just seems a little bit better. Personally I feel as though I can take on a lot more challenges. Even thought things don’t always go as well as I might hope I’d rather have my hopes dashed than be a pessimist. I’ve also been trying to exercise a bit more frequently, as I’ve heard it helps with depression or depressive episodes. That being said you can do everything right and still end up a hot mess.

In the end things actually started to work out better. Once I got out of my own head and accepted some things I ultimately started to feel a lot better and it had a positive effect on the outside world for me as well. Instead of wallowing in my suffering the whole day I tried to get out there and, at least it seems like, that really worked out for me. Yesterday, and this morning, it felt impossible for me to laugh or have fun. But once I realized I was in that mood I pushed myself out a little bit and… well I’m feeling a lot better. I know I keep saying that but its true and I’m really a lot better. Thanks for reading this, if you are.