Hey there. Its been a while. Just had the desire to pop in for some reason.
Life has been interesting, to say the least. I suppose not really all that much has changed. I guess I went to a party to see an old friend of mine. Seemed really good but she’s been ignoring a text from me so I’m debating if I might have screwed up somewhere somehow. Though it doesn’t help to dwell on things for so long so I’m trying to move past.
School is pretty much the same as ever but a bit better, I guess. Started getting over this whole being ignored by a person I liked thing a little bit each day. We had a party a few days ago and I decided to make something. I’m never sure if my food is good so my anxiety travels pretty easily over to that. But, to my surprise, I got raving reviews from everyone. The one thing that was weird was this one girl in the class told me that now I could get married because I’m a good cook. Of course I blushed, taking the compliment but also not really sure what she meant by it. Then she said it a few more times so now my mind is racing thinking that she might like me.
I think I’ve had my fill of trying to date people in this class so I’m guessing this just won’t end well. Of course there’s also the idea that I’m currently still jobless so I’m not sure how great of a boyfriend I can be to someone at the moment. I’d like to be with someone but I’m definitely not going to force someone to be with me while I’m unbalanced in any area of my life. Apart from that I never really thought of this girl as someone I’d like to be with but now I’m just thinking about what she could possibly see in me that she’d like. Of course this is all saying that she feels anything for me whatsoever so I think its best that I just go about this as neutral as possible. If she is interested then we could have a conversation about it and if not I won’t have put myself out there again and make yet another girl feel weird around me.
Traveled out to my mom’s place to spend the holidays with my family. Still jobless so I couldn’t buy any presents, unfortunately. I really hate buying presents but I hate it even more when I don’t have anything to give to anyone. I know we’ve been through some stuff and aren’t really totally good with each other but I’d still like to show appreciation for what they have done for me. Right now it just feels kind of weird not having my dad around. This will be the first Christmas without him and I feel like that’s just kind of sinking in.
I guess I’ve been spending my time thinking about love and myself. About the kind of person I am and if I’m ever going to find that special someone. I always wonder what that life would look like. Feels like a dream to me that I could ever feel like I’m fully whole. I keep thinking I need to look inward at myself to find completion but it just feels like I’m missing a vital piece to my life. I just want to be close to someone in such a way that we fill the void in each other, or what have you.
Fair warning: I’m going to get a bit more heavy a little later. So if you’re not into that I don’t mind if you decide to bail. I’m not currently making money off this blog, maybe someday in the future, so you leaving is just you not wanting that. I will start off with a little less heavy topic cause, hey, I like the views.
School is going well, I think. Its only been two days so I can’t really tell. I still feel a bit of anxiety from all of this and there’s a lot of heavy topics going on that I’m not totally sure I can do even with training but I think I need to have faith in myself. You never know your limits if you never come up against them. I have a lot of worst case scenarios going on in my head that I’d rather push out or erase all together so I can focus on this but for now they will just continue to take up space in my head for the time being. Hopefully they will dissipate as time goes on.
So… now its time for the heavy stuff. I guess I should preface this by revealing that I am in fact a man. I want to keep my identity out of this as much as possible for obvious reasons and its easier to tell the truth behind a closed curtain than an open window… or a better metaphor for the value of anonymity. I can’t really tell how my friend feels about me but I know that I feel… attraction towards her. Before it was easy and I was sure she wasn’t interested in me in that way but recently its become somewhat muddled. I know I helped her when she was in a bad place but since then we’ve become a lot closer and I’m second guessing the possibility that she may, in whatever capacity, want to reciprocate.
For the most part I’ve tried to distance those feelings and not bring them up because she may not be ready to deal with that. She already knows that I’m attracted to her so its not like its a secret. Recently she’s become… I’m not really sure what the word is for it other than ‘friendlier’. Any messages we send to one another often have a somewhat undertone of that ‘friendliness’ I’m talking about and I can’t tell if she’s warming up to the idea of potentially being ‘closer’. Ultimately I want to be respectful and I’m definitely not interested in moving forward if she isn’t. Making matters a lot more difficult is we don’t even remotely live near each other, in fact its a literal ocean and thousands more miles apart.
Whenever I think about her I feel like I want to get closer. I think about her and I feel like this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be there in the happy moments and even the dark ones, to hold her and make sure she knows everything is alright. I want to build a life with her. But I’ve felt this before and I can’t trust myself or my feelings. And if moving forward has the potential to break us apart I’m not going to go that far. But is it right to just keep pretending that I care for her deeply?
I think right now I need to bury these feelings. Deep down I know she’s not interested. Ultimately I want what’s best for her, no matter what but I can’t lie to myself or her. Maybe someday we could discuss this together and, ideally, this could become something more. But what I have right now is good and I don’t want to trade that in for the potential of something better if that means losing what is already here. Maybe someday, just not right now.
Tomorrow I’m going to be going to my class. There have been some problematic things around this, mostly that the books I was supposed to get beforehand have been delayed. It is entirely possible that I will be kicked out immediately on day one simply for not having these but I’m hopeful I can convince them otherwise. I’ll also have to actually wake up early for the first time in a while, which is annoying but potential well paying job after this class is over so… kind of a small thing.
More talking with my friend today. She wasn’t feeling well so it was mostly assuring her how great of a person she is and how much she means to me. There was some other stuff where it was a little bit happier but it was mostly the first part. Unfortunately I feel like my feelings for her are getting deeper. Which isn’t a bad thing but I feel like she isn’t interested in reciprocating. There’s a lot of emotions tied around this but what I feel more than anything is I just want her to be happy. I think what I fear more than anything is another situation where I put everything into a relationship only to be rebuffed. Then again maybe just this is good. More would be something I’m interested in but what is here right now I’m satisfied with so I think trying to go forward would be a big mistake.
Of course even telling myself that, something sensible and I can completely understand, doesn’t mean that my unconscious thoughts are going to fall in line. I really do want this class to work out and eventually lead into a rewarding job I can have until I decide to retire but it could just as well not work out at all. I could end up stuck where I am right now and be almost incapable of moving forward. Writing seemed like it would be my way out or a back up plan but the chances of me becoming a successful writer are slim at best. What I fear more than anything is being unable to progress my life in any meaningful way.
What I really want now is a partner. Someone who stands by my side, pushes me to better myself while also being someone I can lean on when necessary. My luck with dating people is nonexistent at best. My biggest frustration is I have no idea why I keep getting passed over. Am I ugly? Do I smell bad? Personality terrible? It doesn’t matter if what people say hurts me if I know exactly what I need to change. I think life would be a lot better if people were more honest… to a degree. I would rather have my feelings hurt than be left in the dark as to how to better myself.
Unfortunately no writing today. I think I didn’t do it because I was just so tired from last night. I was asked to sit in at my part time job and the description was really… lacking. Like I wasn’t sure about the specifics other than I had to ‘work’ through the night but I wasn’t sure what that entailed so I debated going to sleep or if I should attempt to wire myself up with coffee but then that would affect my performance for the next shift I was to take… So ya I really didn’t get much rest. I took the time shift for multiple reasons but basically I just want to be as helpful as possible because I think if I lose another job that’s going to break me. Don’t worry, I am getting enough rest I’m just still in that uncomfortable stage of it being a new job and I don’t want to step on toes.
I’ve had something of a weight problem for a while. Actually I should say its more of a body image problem more than anything. I know I’m not fit and that sucks but I’m not extremely overweight and its somewhat manageable. For me its about my appearance more than anything, although health wise it would be nice. I walked by a near full length mirror and saw my gut jutting out. I don’t mean like “I am self conscious and I perceive my gut hanging out” rather it was actually hanging out and it brought my mood down. I don’t have a problem with people and weight, my friend isn’t in the best shape but I’m always telling her that its fine if she stays at her current weight as long as she’s happy with it. I am not and I really would like to change that.
I guess I just have a problem with exercising regularly. I think its making a habit of it that’s difficult. I often just don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and do something simply. I don’t need to lose weight in a certain time period or for anything in particular, I just want to slim down a bit so I have more confidence and maybe I’ll be more attractive. Already I find it hard to take pictures of myself, even just the face because there’s also some problems I have there. It doesn’t feel like anyone is attracted to me looking like all of this.
Maybe its just a mind over matter thing. I think(?) I’ve been hit on in the past. Its really difficult to tell, though. I’m not sure if you’re attracted to me or just trying to be nice. It would be a lot easier and nicer if people were just more direct. Although would that be worse? Instead of wondering if I’m attractive to others would I just be sad that no one is saying I’m attractive? It feels like a lose-lose situation.
Someone told me that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else, and I disagree with every fiber in my being. Plenty of people hate themselves but love others! Why am I the only person who has to love myself before I can love or be loved by someone else? Not to drag on this person, even though they are no longer in my life and I want it to stay that way, but they were terrible at relationships too. My ideal mate is someone who looks at my flaws and loves me, not in spite of those flaws or overlooks them but loves me and all of me. I think if I had someone like that in my life I would want to be better for them in every way. The right person challenges you to become the best you that you can be each day. That’s how I see it.