I tried talking to a friend but she didn’t seem interested. I’m honestly not sure where to go from here. Legitimately just considering leaving and not coming back. I think the biggest problem is I’m pretty much always trying to reach out but always kept at a distance. I understand why but I’m not interested in that at all. Personally I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t know. I think I’ll ruminate on it a bit before making any decisions.
I had a weird desire to read today. Thankfully I have a lot of books and just bought some more. I wasn’t interested in anything super heavy so I just flipped through the kombucha book I bought and it had some really interesting things. I’d really like to make some myself but I’m not so sure I would be even allowed to do it where I live. Not to mention I don’t know where to get the bottles and other materials to make it in the first place. Some day, I suppose. I have the book to help me do it so that’s one step completed.
Right now I feel like I’m in a fog. Not really sure what to do. I really hate these moments because its so difficult to get out of them because I can never tell what got me into it in the first place. I guess its because I’m nearly 30 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’ve often said that when you’re 30 you’ve pretty much come into what your life is going to be like for the next few decades so if that’s true I’m going to be working minimum wage at a part time job, lonely and still feeling dissatisfied. Ya that’s not exactly a happy idea.
I really want to change my life around but it doesn’t feel like I can. Something is blocking me and, now matter how much I want to surpass it, I can’t find out what is keeping me from my true potential provided I even have any. Is the wall in my head or is it something physical? What can I expect to find over the wall, implying I can even pass it? Is it better to stay on this side than try to surmount it?
More work today. Not much to say. Although someone did something pretty annoying to me that really set my day off. I gave myself a slightly easier task to do but someone went behind my back and switched it with something more difficult. Its taken me a long few years to get my anger under control but, I’ve got to be honest, when people do that it absolutely infuriates me. Obviously I’m not going to do anything. This job is the only thing that’s keeping me afloat.
The one problem I have with dealing with my anger is that my mood is very fleeting and changes fast. I’m not sure why but it takes a complete turn afterwards and begins amplifying my other moods. Today’s mood would be depression. I have a lot of problems that I need to essentially just vent to someone but that’s not happening. So then I get to thinking about how many people I have in my life and the amount of people who actually care for me and then I get depressed because when you can literally count that number on one hand and not even use up all of your fingers you would also get really sad.
Unfortunately there is no cure for that, as usual. I just have to sit here and wallow in my own sadness, alone. When I wallow I don’t take it out on others but myself. I think of why no one wants to be around me and internalize how I’m just going to be alone forever because of the way I am. I’m really trying to be a better person but when there’s no benefit at the end of this I can’t help but feel I should just be as terrible as I’ve always been. But I won’t because I have at least a bit of a conscience.
If you’re reading this I want you to know how terrible it is to be lonely. And if you’re having problems with the people you care about in your life understand that if you care about them and they care about you that you should seek to fix that. Its agonizing going home to an empty, cold house. Eating alone and going to bed alone is draining. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore but I’m not sure how I can stop it.
Yet another day at school. It feels less… painful to go to school on a regular basis. I guess by ‘pain’ what I really mean is frustration or annoyance. Its a very long class and I’m really unsure if I can actually do the work necessary to both finish the class and be able to get my certification once this is all over but there’s the added pressure that my mom, dad and grandma have all put up a considerable amount of money for me to do this. I guess when I go to school I feel tense for a while, then that melts away into being a bit more comfortable and then I go back home to be tense because of the pressure that’s on me to succeed.
So my birthday is tomorrow which I am not excited for. I’ve listed out some of my problems with my birthday in a previous post but I’ll just say that it means a lot to me when really I just don’t want to even think about it. I’ve never understood this huge pressure to have a party or lots of presents in general. I’m not against you celebrating your birthday, and in fact I will celebrate with you happily, but its just everything else around it that just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. All pressure is put on you in a variety of ways when I personally just want to just relax. My idea of a really good birthday is just a day where you don’t worry about anything and, again, I’m not against you if your personal preference is to make something big of it or anything like that.
If I’m being completely honest I’m incapable of reading people whatsoever. I find people who can instantly understand a person via body language or coded language to be like a super power or genetic mutation. There’s this girl in class that I sit fairly close to that I can never get a read on. I don’t talk to her much but sometimes she’ll talk to me, often out of the blue. Before we were leaving class she asked me if tomorrow was my birthday and the only time I really remember telling her that was fairly long ago. So now my mind is racing thinking that I’m someone important enough to have personal information remembered about them. Interacting with people is really confusing…
There’s also a secondary factor that comes with my birthday and that’s analyzing myself. I can’t help but look at who I am, who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished now that I’m turning older and when I look at who I am right now… I honestly can’t pin down something that says I have done anything worthwhile. I mean I have this blog, which is really amazing and again just want to thank all of you for reading this mess, but apart from that? Not much else. I guess that’s also why I don’t like my birthdays. It really just brings it back home to me that I haven’t done anything. I can’t help but wonder if I die tomorrow will I have a legacy? I can’t help but feel like people my age, and even those younger than me, are doing what they want and I just feel really lost and confused.
Happy to say I actually wrote some more today. The amount of writing was fairly sparse but that’s to be expected after something of an impromptu accidental break. I did however go back and realize that I wanted to put some foreshadowing in some earlier chapters, which was nice. It took some research but I got the timeline down and I think I can continue on tomorrow.
The biggest reason I’m not releasing what I have already is because I don’t want to be one of those classic blog stories if it catches on. Something like Fifty Shades was really poorly paced and written in blog format because it was being released and updated fairly quickly. Which would garner a lot more of a fanbase as the story was continuing onward so everyone could experience the story as it was written but as a result its very slow, poorly paced and doesn’t really hold any weight to it. There’s also a lot more problems but I won’t get into that. Basically I’ll release the book on a chapter by chapter basis when I’m fully finished and have already edited each chapter to my preference.
Apart from that, I just started feeling pretty lonely today. I didn’t really reach out to anyone today so I’m not really going to bemoan that so much. I did talk to my friend yesterday and one of my texts has gone unanswered by another. So the person who didn’t answer I’m obviously not going to re-text just so I can most likely get ignored again, whereas the other friend usually stays quiet on Sundays because she goes to church… or at least that’s what I think. Either way I’m just feeling kind of disconnected again. Hopefully that will go away soon.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. I’m not really religious but I keep finding myself praying to know what my purpose or my path is. Where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do and who I’m supposed to be with. I don’t like playing games, in the sense of life. I’m a very straight forward person… kind of. I mean I’m shy so I like to be straight forward and I also like the same from others. Its agonizing to feel like I’m not going or doing what I’m supposed to be, that the person I’m supposed to be or be with is just out of arms reach.
Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.
I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.
I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.
I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.