Another weekend, another day at my part time job. Its easy and the pay is decent for the amount of work I put in. My only real concern is the lack of freedom on the weekends. I’m not complaining that I have a job that is enough to pay the bills, rather I dislike the fact that my weekends are now devoted to keeping myself afloat for the time being. Feels like I’m becoming more of an adult which I’m not into. I’m not going to act childish about this but I don’t want to work my entire life. I’d rather just be getting by rather than have money. You can have all the money in the world but if you don’t have any time to spend it then what is it really worth?
I do have an idea, apart from paying bills and general living expenses, of what I want to do with it. My friend invited me to come to her country and hang out. There’s a lot of things surrounding this that I’m iffy on. First and foremost is the cost. Not even factoring in living expenses for how long I will be staying it would be around a thousand dollars round trip. Second is the idea she may just be being nice and this is more of a formality. Third, I guess, is it ends up badly and I just have this massive hole in my wallet and a bad experience. Also there’s this awful thought in the back of my mind that I have to accept: Is this person worth the time and money?
Look I care about her and she’s great but if I’m being honest I hate the fact that when I try to talk to her there’s a significant chance I’m just going to be met with radio silence. Now imagine that but I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to visit this person and they do it to me when I’m a few feet away from them. I guess its the poor experiences I’ve had with relationships in the past that are making me feel this way. But now I can actually put a tangible cost on potentially forming a greater relationship with this person. If I was rich and money was no object I could go there no problem and if it went poorly I could just walk around this country as a wealthy tourist and potentially visit more places here.
The worst part about this is I’m not sure if having these feelings makes me a terrible friend. I do genuinely care about her but I’m never sure if she feels the same way about me. Its exhausting to put yourself out there, trying to create a meaningful connection, only to have the other party shun you. There was a time when I was really considering uprooting my life and moving to where she was in order to foster a connection but now I’m not so sure. It would be really nice if I could just get definitive answers to my questions as opposed to dancing around the subject.
At the same time I want to be respectful. She’s been through a lot and I don’t want to add to her worries. Then again would it just be better if I were to leave? If I am creating more problems than I can solve, it would be better if I wasn’t in the picture… right? Should I return that silence as well? Would I be potentially ruining something even greater than what is here right now? Better question: Is what I have now all I can hope for?
Last post (I think) I said I was going to try and work on what was bothering me and take a break from writing for a bit while I solved it. I tried… kind of. I forgot to text a friend which was my actual method for maybe getting out of this funk so… my bad. I think tomorrow I’m just going to write down, physically that is, whatever comes to my mind. I was always better writing when it goes down on an actual page. Not in terms of penmanship but like retaining information.
In the meantime I kept busy. Rewatched an anime I really liked: Blue Exorcist. I kind of prefer anime a bit more as opposed to other media but that’s neither here or there. I feel like constantly playing video games is just sapping me of creativity which is why I try to not play as much anymore and never before I need to write. I still like video games but moderation is best. I have some… bad habits and I like to keep myself focused on something. Normally that would be a job on weekdays but I can’t have everything. Soon I’ll be going to classes so maybe that will help.
This weekend I’m going to be working A LOT more than usual. Not going too much into detail but its potentially going to be a challenge. I took the opportunity for three main reasons I guess. First is that I need the money, second is I want to be trusted more and third was sort of because I was caught off guard. I think I can do it. Shouldn’t be too hard. And maybe I’ll get a nice bit of money out of it so I can do other stuff or just pay off my bills regularly.
I still feel pretty bad in general but its getting better every day. I keep feeling alone but it feels like something I can actually deal with a bit better. I still want to talk to people but I can’t as much as I like and so be it. In terms of physical pain my eye is kind of hurting right now for some reason. I think I’ll drink some more water if its dehydrated and maybe put something cold on it. Plans for tomorrow are a bit of exercising, writing and maybe doing something productive like washing my clothes and/or sheets.
Tried to write some more. I did a lot less than I expected to do. Not entirely sure what the problem is but I think its dialogue. There’s something I want to say with each chapter that will move the story forward while also having decent callbacks so I think that’s the main problem. Maybe there’s just this block in my mind right now. Though if I had to guess it was me screwing up my morning routine a bit so maybe that was the big problem.
Yesterday I said that I was feeling depressed and lonely so I was going to talk a walk and clear my head. I spend nearly all day, every day stuck in my room and this place which means I don’t get out much. Someone suggested I go out and walk to make myself feel better. That… kind of worked. I still feel depressed and sad but I had the whole idea that I actually went out and did something, no matter how small. I fear this is just one of those things with a singular solution and unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’m able to get that solution. I guess what I gained was some perspective and some snacks too, I guess. I’ll give my idea on how to get myself out of this funk some thought.
Tonight was family night. There’s a bit of a communication issue between myself and my family. I was under the impression we weren’t going out tonight so I got some food… and then we went out for some food. The whole ordeal was a bit more pleasant than usual but I think my one sticking point is my mom wants me to co-write a book with her and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s really hyper Christian and just the mention of the darker aspects of what I’m writing illicit a a silent “Oh” from her at best so the idea of writing a book I can be proud of with her is… not ideal. Not only that but any mention of my book to her makes me second guess everything I’m doing and sometimes just straight drop a book because I keep needlessly obsessing about it. Long story short, this is a bad idea and I absolutely don’t want to do it.
Classes will be starting soon and I’m shaky at best about them. I know they’re going to rob me of time but at the same time am I really doing anything right now? I spend each day waking up, checking my phone, trying to write then spend the rest of the day alternating between playing games or watching videos. I’ve been trying to be more productive and make more meaningful choices but it just feels impossible. No energy to make my life better so that I can do things that would make my life better. I feel like I’m trapped in a tidal wave and all my energy to swim out is just robbed from me. Do I keep fighting against the current or allow myself to be dragged down? Can I get back up this time?
Did some more writing today. Not as much as I wanted, as usual. Right now all I can do is just a few paragraphs. That’s some amount though not what I want. Maybe I’ll get back to my old way of doing things. Like I’ve said its something and I’m fine with something rather than nothing.
Loneliness is getting a lot worse as of late. Keep thinking about trying to call someone but I know that I’m most likely just going to get ignored. Even if it was just a quick message that explained they couldn’t talk but would like to later would be fine. I keep staring at my phone and every single message I get my hopes go up a bit but then go down again when I realize it isn’t anyone I want to talk to. Extra annoying that I keep getting scam calls, so I can also get angry that these annoying idiots keep trying to scam me… somehow. I’m not actually sure how robocalls work, if I’m being honest but I still don’t answer any calls I don’t know.
That being said I’m not going to let it get to me. Tomorrow, after I do some more writing, I think I’m going to go for a walk. Its not ideal since its still pretty hot and there’s nothing really to do around my neighborhood. I think I’ll just walk to the store and pick up a treat or something. I’m debating on some sweets or if I should stick to something with less sugar to not screw up my body any further. Although I don’t really mind having some every once and a while. Maybe some ice cream and a soda.
I still feel pretty lost. Not sure what to do and where to go. I think the one good thing in my life right now is this blog, if I’m being honest. Seeing all of these likes, getting followers on occasion really brings my spirits up. Every so often I have to clean out my email from all the messages just telling me people are liking the stuff I have to write. Its actually really great. I think I just need to get out for a while, stretch my legs a bit.
As a follow up to the last post, if I’m correct, I texted someone to maybe chat for a bit. I was unable to sleep so I thought “They’re up. Why not?” Its been over twelve hours and they haven’t responded. And I get it, life and all but I just can’t help but feel disappointed. I just wanted to talk. I’ve been feeling really lonely and I can’t seem to shake it no matter what.
Unfortunately I didn’t have the energy to write. Just the idea of continuing to craft a story where two of the leads are happy together just makes me feel sad. All it does is remind me that I can’t have that. Not even just a relationship but the idea that I can’t even just be happy or be with someone. I wake up every morning, roll out of an empty bed and I just don’t have the energy to continue. If this is what my life is going to continue to be… why bother?
I guess the ‘numb’ part of this is somewhat misleading. I’m actually really hurt right now. And I understand that I brought this on myself but it doesn’t make it feel any less horrible. I guess its numb in the sense that pain has been put on me and my body is trying to cope by shutting down all those feelings. I think the worst part is I just can’t blame them and move on considering a lot of this is just my fault. I can’t rationalize to myself that I’m the victim and just leave it at that while my mind tries to cope with it at a later date.
Of course beating myself up over this isn’t going to help. I think after I write this I’m going to go watch a movie or something. I’m not really in the mood and I’d rather save money but I just need to get out of the house and distract myself. Go out and at least be around others. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about this. Maybe I just need to… do something. I really wish I knew what that something was right now. I just want this pain to stop and never come back.
I guess this is a first for this blog. All of my posts up until now have been using a computer. Right now I’m using mobile. Apologies beforehand if this doesn’t work out super well. I’ll (hopefully) find out later.
Was today a good day of writing? I’m honestly not sure. I got some writing done but hit a wall early on. I felt like taking a minor break by watching the new episode for a show. Ultimately that ended up becoming a nightmare because I found out the Internet wasn’t working. I tried everything and eventually it was all I could think about. Nearly twelve hours later I learned the bill just straight up wasn’t paid so here’s hoping that changes tomorrow.
I think the biggest part of no internet for me is the idea that my ability to not think about bad stuff is drastically reduced. I usually just turn off my brain for a bit to either play games or watch some tv. Its not great for me becoming a more whole and complete person but I would rather stagnate than suffer. Today’s particular suffering was being lonely and staring at sent messages left unreplied. So lacking internet connection I decided to take what I call a depression nap so most likely I will be awake for the whole night… with no internet.
I’m going to stop using the “I” word for a bit. One of the biggest problems I have with this age is the fact its so immensely easy to communicate with other that when you don’t get to its a much bigger thing. Sending letters could take months, telegrams weren’t exactly common and still had to go through the postal service, even phones were limited to being in homes attached to cords or you had to be rich to afford a massive brick that had a better life less than a mayfly. Now I can literally talk with someone nearly halfway across the world… or in my case send them a message and not receive a reply for days.
I get that people are busy and lives get in the way but I can’t help but feel its a slight against me. Even worse it reminds me that I’m no one’s favorite person. I take no priority in anyone’s life, I’m never the first or last person on their mind. And in this case I’m, at best, second priority when it comes to talk to. I’m not even sure if I’m tenth on their list of people preferred to talk to. Just once in my life I want to be that person. Someone who is constantly at the back of their mind, just the mere utter of my name sends a pleasant shiver down their back, a flutter of the heart, someone who counts the minutes until they can see me again. Can I just take priority in someone’s life for once? I’ll settle for second.
After each day that goes by I can’t stop thinking about the dumb decisions I’ve made. My mind keeps torturing me with the possibilities if I just kept my mouth shut, if I pulled back my words. Maybe right now I wouldn’t be so miserable. Or at the very least I would have someone I could talk to about it.
Doesn’t help that I was introduced second hand to people who know her and still interact with her. My heart immediately dropped as soon as I saw someone share something she posted. Not to say that it ruined my day but it certainly put me in a much darker mood. My mind forcing me to agonize the fact that I might never see or talk to this person again. Worst of all is I know I deserve this and if I can brave it I’ll come out on the other side a much better, more complete person. That still doesn’t change the fact I feel like I want to cry at the thought of her.
I feel like I’m being so dramatic. I didn’t have anything really special with her and it didn’t go beyond just being friends. I guess I just put so much stock into one person that now its gone I feel like I’m stuck holding all of these emotions and no good outlet to put them into. A job would be a good way to keep my mind off of things but that’s not possible right now.
I keep thinking about writing some more. Maybe I could channel this energy into something productive. But I don’t really feel like I’m capable. Right now I really just want to forget everything or at least be numb to it all but I know that’s not healthy and I won’t move beyond this. I’m tempted to call her and just talk but I know that also isn’t something sensible or good, for either of us.
Life is really annoying, always has been. Sometimes I feel like everyone was given a note detailing what they were supposed to do with their life and I just didn’t get it. I feel so lost all the time like I was going somewhere but that place has vanished from existence, now what little memories I have of that are trying to piece together the bits and fragments. Find a place that never has nor ever will be there. Right now I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a time or place where I feel like I do belong. Maybe that place exists inside my dreams.