Just before I begin I’ll say that I had another post up but decided to delete it. I didn’t feel like it was totally and completely honest to my feelings. I’ll just move on from that.
Class today was unusual but not bad. A little bit more relaxed as opposed to other days. Of course that could have just been me but who knows. I feel a little more like myself the more I continue to be in the class. I personally think its just because I have some structure and something to look forward to. Though I’d like to think its because I finally found my path in life and in lieu of resistance it feels like the path before me is a lot smoother.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I look at myself personally. If I had to be honest I don’t think its very healthy. What I want more than anything is to just see myself as I am, neither better or worse than what I currently am. Its really difficult to look inward or even just have an accurate representation of who you are, especially for me. At times I find it hard to see the person I really am as opposed to an idealized version or one I’ve demonized, more often than not unfairly. It has negatively affected me to say the least.
The current idea behind me being so slow to understand that the person I’m currently trying to pursue a relationship with may have been interested in me as well stems from how low I perceive myself. Ugly, fat, slob, unfunny, creepy, weird. I’ve internalized all of these feelings and, while some of them may be true, are antithetical to my progress. The problem is its not “I am something negative and therefore I must change” rather its “I am something negative and I will always be that”. Essentially its never about becoming better but just trying to be content with being garbage. I’ve tried to change this as much as possible but these feelings are, unfortunately, deeply ingrained in me and I use the few moments where people either looked at me like I was one of these things or actually verbalized it.
Right now I just want to remember that those people don’t matter. I will absolutely take their harsh words and potentially correct criticism to heart but in the effort to change and become better. But those people who were harsh to me don’t really deserve to be in my life. I may carry their words with me but they won’t be coming with me on my journey. At the same time I’ll do my best to look inward, taking their biting comments and use them to evaluate myself. Either this is something true and therefore something I should work on or it is false and I need to remember that it is false in case someone down the line decides to repeat it to me. I think that will ultimately be the best course of action I can take.
Today was a little unusual but nothing that really needs mentioning in specific details. What I was proud of was how easily I was able to handle it, I suppose. I kind of just rolled with the punches, metaphorically speaking, and came out on the other end pretty okay. I guess putting myself out there is really helpful, both for my life in general but also growing as a person. Doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, even if just for a moment, has really made my life a lot better. I’ll definitely try to do more of it though in a sensible and grounded way over a period of time. I’m not going to do anything crazy like going bungee jumping any time soon… or ever if I’m being honest.
As you can probably tell I don’t really have a great track record with relationships. In a general sense but more so in my ability to accurately understand how people feel about me and how to properly process this. Lately I’ve been noticing that people kind of keep glancing towards me or trying to get closer. My first instinct is to just dismiss this as a one time thing or just something I noticed but often times I’ll be reminded of this and I can’t help but try to figure out what they’re feeling. I guess its because I haven’t had any friends for a long time, though that’s not to say I’ve never had any just the ones I’ve had have been there for literally over a decade so I’ve come to be familiar with all of their actions and etc to the point where I can easily just read what’s going on with them. So I keep getting looks from, specifically women, in my class on occasion which I think I’m going to just assume it was an occasional thing that doesn’t really merit putting much thought into.
Unfortunately today was not the day that I was able to ‘confess’ to this person my feelings, for better or worse. Kind of goes hand in hand with the unusual day and I’m going to take this as a sign the universe has told me that I should probably not confess my feelings any time soon… I think. Okay ya this is pretty frustrating just trying to both be honest but also find the exact right time for everything to actually work and not leave me a sobbing mess over ruining another good thing. So… I have no idea what to do as usual.
I think the problem is I’m trying to read this person’s actions as being a way to essentially clue me into the idea they’re into me but those cues aren’t universal (as I’ve figured out over a near lifetime of trying to apply them to every day life). I guess its like that devil/angel on the shoulder but in my case its two dueling ideas both screaming opposing things in each ear. I really really really want to get to know this person better and form a relationship with them but I’m also afraid of what may happen should I fail. Though I guess it could tie into my beginning statement about how getting out of my comfort zone actually is good. However that kind of only works when I’m doing it to myself and doing it to another person may not be what they want at all.
I have time to sort this out but definitely not an infinite amount of time. All of these great qualities I see in this person are qualities others see in them and most of those people may also see them as desirable. I’m not going to treat this person like a prize or an object, they absolutely do not deserve that. They are a person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I understand this and accept it. Unfortunately it feels like I’m at an impasse. I can go no further with my current abilities. What is in front of me must be surmounted or abandoned.
I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.
Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.
I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.
Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.
Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.
As a follow up to my last post I was really stressing about this new lump that has shown up on my body. My blood pressure spiked really high just from the stress of it and it still hasn’t gone down. My diet choices and what I’ve chosen to cut out is really focused on never having to have any serious health benefits ever again in my life so it felt as though I’ve been putting in this immense amount of work and the universe basically just slapped me in the face. Especially at a time where things in my life are going extremely well. I did some research and talked to some people which hasn’t really helped my mental state but has put some new ideas into my mind. So instead of stressing about having one of the least survivable cancer conditions it could just be a small and minor thing. Tomorrow I plan to go to the doctor to get everything checked out and, hopefully, things will be alright.
So there’s class again, the thing I bring up in every one of my posts now. I have never in my entire life felt as welcome as I have here. People seem to enjoy talking to me, enjoy my company and I feel like I have some structure in my life for once. Not only that but there’s this person in my life who it really seems like they want to get closer to me and I am extremely excited to try and make this into an actual relationship. Right now I’m doing my best to ease into this but at the same time there’s this heavy desire to get to know them better and spend time with them outside the classroom setting. Unfortunately my chances of doing so are limited but I’m not going to let that stop me. Eventually we’ll have spring break so I’m shooting for maybe using that as time to get closer to them.
I think good moments are as only as good as the bad in order to use them as context. Obviously I would never promote a fetishization of suffering just in the off chance things get better. Things have been pretty bad for me lately, as you can see from a lot of the posts I make. Right now there’s still a lot of negative things going on but even more positives. I genuinely enjoy getting up in the morning now, look forward to driving on the road and even like going to class. Obviously there’s some asterisks in there but I feel really uplifted by things that I used to dread or even hate. Is this what it feels like to be happy? Is this what it feels like to have a great life? Whatever it is I really want to make sure it lasts as long as possible.
And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.
Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.
I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.
Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.
Still technically on my shift but the day is basically over at this point. As usual a pretty chill day at work, all things considered. I put a little more effort in today than usual but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed which sucks. Then again it did feel good to put a little bit more in so it wasn’t all bad.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my class lately. It really feels like I’ve been taking it easy and not putting in the effort I should be. At the very least I should do it so if I do get to go on my internship they don’t kick me out immediately. Someone I worked with recently gave me an idea how I can practice outside of class and it should only cost around like twenty bucks so I might go for that. At the very least if I buy this thing then I’ll stare at it and realize I should be practicing. Not sure if I can practice on myself so I should ask the teacher about it on Monday.
After that surprise windfall of money from my last paycheck I’ve been thinking more and more about going to visit my friend when I have the opportunity. I’ve been looking up the prices of hostels in her area but I think I should really be focusing on that plane ticket. I did something really dumb and confided in my mom about going. Her response was to basically accuse my friend of being a murderer or thief that is trying to lure me to her so she can harm me. That fear has always been in the back of my head because my friend just seems so unreal to me but there’s really genuine moments I can’t share that have me convinced she isn’t lying to me. Or maybe I should listen to the fear.
Either way I have to talk to her about it first. I’m not sure she’s in the right head space to see me at the moment or when she actually has free time to do so. I haven’t been out of the country in maybe over a year so this could be good. My class will break for a few times so my windows to see her within a period of time a pretty slim, not to mention how the flights will get much more expensive the closer it gets to tourist season. Right now I have enough for the flight so if I’m diligent about saving in a few more paychecks I’ll have enough to survive over there.
Right now it still seems like a dream that this could ever happen. I feel like as soon as we meet it will cement that this is something more than just talking to each other over the phone. Not saying it would escalate to dating or anything like that because I don’t think she’s interested. This could be the best decision of my life or the worst. I’m not really sure which voice to listen to right now: the optimist or the pessimist. I feel like a healthy balance would work. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have traveled to a country I’ve thought about going to for a while so it can’t all be bad.
I feel like I’m saying the same thing about this class everyday. “How was this class? It was good.” Truth is boring I guess. But I’d rather be pleasantly bored than miserable. I guess my biggest problem is I need to get a handle on the workload. I’m starting to get the hang of it. This is first night in a while where I finished before I got back home so I’ve just been relaxing.
I guess since its almost the weekend I’m going to be working again. I’m definitely grateful to have this job. I can’t really go anywhere or do much but I have enough money and that’s really what I’m after right now. Obviously I’d like to be able to better my current situation but things could be a lot worse and I’m not going to shake the boat when the waters are calm, so to speak.
Part of the reason why I’m able to relax is because I did the work on time thanks to me reducing the time I spent on dumb stuff. Not completely removing, just reducing. Trying to get my priorities in order so I can be a somewhat not complete waste of space. Really I just look at people working and surviving and wonder how they do it. I guess my biggest problem is I don’t really have any work ethic or ambitions. I mean I do have ambitions and things I want to do or accomplish but ultimately I just kind of feel like having just enough and unfortunately that doesn’t really foster creativity.
I guess I kind of just want security but extra. Like I want just enough to survive and also a little bit more. I don’t think that’s greedy. Really I just feel like having the base essentials to survive and finding what I can do with that. Where I can go and how I can feel. I’m not against people thriving but I just think of how much work people put into the possibility of something better and that kind of just turns me off. I think I’d like to change that, if I’m being honest.