Currently – 9/14/19 (Work, Money, Alone)

Another weekend, another day at my part time job. Its easy and the pay is decent for the amount of work I put in. My only real concern is the lack of freedom on the weekends. I’m not complaining that I have a job that is enough to pay the bills, rather I dislike the fact that my weekends are now devoted to keeping myself afloat for the time being. Feels like I’m becoming more of an adult which I’m not into. I’m not going to act childish about this but I don’t want to work my entire life. I’d rather just be getting by rather than have money. You can have all the money in the world but if you don’t have any time to spend it then what is it really worth?

I do have an idea, apart from paying bills and general living expenses, of what I want to do with it. My friend invited me to come to her country and hang out. There’s a lot of things surrounding this that I’m iffy on. First and foremost is the cost. Not even factoring in living expenses for how long I will be staying it would be around a thousand dollars round trip. Second is the idea she may just be being nice and this is more of a formality. Third, I guess, is it ends up badly and I just have this massive hole in my wallet and a bad experience. Also there’s this awful thought in the back of my mind that I have to accept: Is this person worth the time and money?

Look I care about her and she’s great but if I’m being honest I hate the fact that when I try to talk to her there’s a significant chance I’m just going to be met with radio silence. Now imagine that but I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to visit this person and they do it to me when I’m a few feet away from them. I guess its the poor experiences I’ve had with relationships in the past that are making me feel this way. But now I can actually put a tangible cost on potentially forming a greater relationship with this person. If I was rich and money was no object I could go there no problem and if it went poorly I could just walk around this country as a wealthy tourist and potentially visit more places here.

The worst part about this is I’m not sure if having these feelings makes me a terrible friend. I do genuinely care about her but I’m never sure if she feels the same way about me. Its exhausting to put yourself out there, trying to create a meaningful connection, only to have the other party shun you. There was a time when I was really considering uprooting my life and moving to where she was in order to foster a connection but now I’m not so sure. It would be really nice if I could just get definitive answers to my questions as opposed to dancing around the subject.

At the same time I want to be respectful. She’s been through a lot and I don’t want to add to her worries. Then again would it just be better if I were to leave? If I am creating more problems than I can solve, it would be better if I wasn’t in the picture… right? Should I return that silence as well? Would I be potentially ruining something even greater than what is here right now? Better question: Is what I have now all I can hope for?

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Currently – 9/13/19 (Rest, Friend, Tired)

Today I was mostly productive like I wanted to be. Did some much needed laundry, shaved a bit and even used a face mask which… I’m not sure does anything but its something that feels like it does something which is the effect I was looking for. I also did some homework which felt… okay. I guess its just reminding me how massive this work load is. Literally multiple pages of homework.

I tried texting my friend and she… did not respond. Kind of made me feel miserable. I kind of had this “Screw it, I want to talk to her and beating around the bush isn’t going to do that” type mood. I think it makes me feel awful from the standpoint that I put myself out there only to realize that I’m alone here. I just wish I didn’t feel terrible when my desire for affection or connection goes unrequited. Then again she does have a habit of coming back some time later so… probably just need to wait. For now I will sulk and reread messages trying to find if I somehow offended her in some way and the best way to apologize until she comes back with a much more reasonable response as to why she wasn’t answering that will take around five seconds. Yay…

All of these feelings make me want to be a robot. Just something that doesn’t have to feel these emotions and just goes through life cold and logically. There’s supposed to be this balancing act of bad to good. Like stuff is bad but eventually it (ideally) should be balanced out. I feel alone right now but then there’s the elation of human contact and someone genuinely caring about me. Unfortunately those good moments are few at best and the space between them where misery takes root is thick and constant. There’s some part of me that knows one day I’m going to be so happy I will forget all about what being sad felt like. Full and rewarding job, get married to my soul mate, the joy of seeing my first child, growing old with someone I have a genuine connection with. Then again none of that is guaranteed.

Is it really worth suffering through all of this in the off chance that potential good could come of it? Will I find peace and happiness? Is all of my effort wasted? If I’m being honest I don’t necessarily want to feel happy or good, I just want the absence of pain or anguish. Misery doesn’t necessarily predate joy. In fact bad feelings don’t give way to good feelings. After I feel terrible I just have this numbness that eventually fades. When you’re hurt you don’t immediately feel better once the pain is gone, you’re just finding peace in the nothing. There’s solace in absence but not happiness.

Currently – 9/11/19 (School, Fears, Effort)

So last post was… another thing. I guess I have somewhat of a confession to make. I’m somewhat superstitious. Not to a significant degree like I don’t believe in weird or extraordinary stuff but I won’t screw around with weird things under the pretense of “If it works”. I’m the black guy in a horror movie that has half a brain as the other characters say something like “Let’s go have a raging party in the abandoned house that was once inhabited by serial killer that specifically hated teenagers and when he was caught before he died he said some weird stuff about coming back and exacting his revenge on this exact night and it just so happens to be the anniversary of his death!” Coincidentally I am a black guy so… maybe there’s something there to that. I just realized this blog has reached a lot of people outside of America so I’m not sure if that highly specific joke will scan. Let me know if it doesn’t, I like learning about other cultures.

Anyways so, I think I’ve mentioned this before but, I don’t like to talk about good things going on in my life because they always seem to blow up in my face. Now it feels like that may not happen. Of course there’s always the possibility but it feels like I’m, more or less, in some sense of control of it now. At least from the standpoint that I’m not going to let it control me being happy for little or big moments in my life. Right now things feel good and I’m going to be happy about that. I don’t want to be scared or hide things I like or I’m excited about for fear that they will be taken away from me. The only person who can take that stuff away from me is… well me and I don’t want to do that.

School is interesting right now. We’re beginning to amp up the course a bit. I’m still a little bit nervous about all this stuff and its been manifesting itself in other ways. Gross but I have dandruff and its been getting more unmanageable as time goes on. I’m thinking about buying some, apparently, medical grade shampoo to help. It has decent reviews online so I think I’ll do some more research before I fully commit to it.

Speaking of hygiene I think I’m going to trim my hair and shave my facial hair. I haven’t had a job in a while, a normal one at least, so I’ve just been letting parts of myself go. I keep fidgeting with my hair, the gross flakes that get all over my clothes and I keep getting poked by my mustache. Maybe I’ll leave some of the beard but the mustache feels like needles poking into me and I don’t need to be reminded of something I’m freaked out about right now.

I think my two biggest problems right now are adjusting into the mindset of a potential new job after this class that really goes against who I am fundamentally as a person and getting into the groove of becoming a more… realized person. I’m really awkward and have trouble talking to others and this job is very social. Talking on phones and with people? Maybe needles aren’t the thing I’m most worried about. But this is healthy. I can’t just be a shut in and I want to form meaningful relationships later in life. I doubt someone would want to marry a socially awkward person.

Its really hard to change who you are but I do want to. I really want to become someone better, someone more whole and complete. I’m jealous of people who have their lives together and kind of envious. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life but that’s no reason they have to continue going badly. You can’t find a future if you’re constantly living in the past. Then again I don’t want to obsess about the future either, rather I want to be here in the present and work towards a better future.

Currently – 9/10/19 (Feelings, Love, Trust)

Fair warning: I’m going to get a bit more heavy a little later. So if you’re not into that I don’t mind if you decide to bail. I’m not currently making money off this blog, maybe someday in the future, so you leaving is just you not wanting that. I will start off with a little less heavy topic cause, hey, I like the views.

School is going well, I think. Its only been two days so I can’t really tell. I still feel a bit of anxiety from all of this and there’s a lot of heavy topics going on that I’m not totally sure I can do even with training but I think I need to have faith in myself. You never know your limits if you never come up against them. I have a lot of worst case scenarios going on in my head that I’d rather push out or erase all together so I can focus on this but for now they will just continue to take up space in my head for the time being. Hopefully they will dissipate as time goes on.

So… now its time for the heavy stuff. I guess I should preface this by revealing that I am in fact a man. I want to keep my identity out of this as much as possible for obvious reasons and its easier to tell the truth behind a closed curtain than an open window… or a better metaphor for the value of anonymity. I can’t really tell how my friend feels about me but I know that I feel… attraction towards her. Before it was easy and I was sure she wasn’t interested in me in that way but recently its become somewhat muddled. I know I helped her when she was in a bad place but since then we’ve become a lot closer and I’m second guessing the possibility that she may, in whatever capacity, want to reciprocate.

For the most part I’ve tried to distance those feelings and not bring them up because she may not be ready to deal with that. She already knows that I’m attracted to her so its not like its a secret. Recently she’s become… I’m not really sure what the word is for it other than ‘friendlier’. Any messages we send to one another often have a somewhat undertone of that ‘friendliness’ I’m talking about and I can’t tell if she’s warming up to the idea of potentially being ‘closer’. Ultimately I want to be respectful and I’m definitely not interested in moving forward if she isn’t. Making matters a lot more difficult is we don’t even remotely live near each other, in fact its a literal ocean and thousands more miles apart.

Whenever I think about her I feel like I want to get closer. I think about her and I feel like this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be there in the happy moments and even the dark ones, to hold her and make sure she knows everything is alright. I want to build a life with her. But I’ve felt this before and I can’t trust myself or my feelings. And if moving forward has the potential to break us apart I’m not going to go that far. But is it right to just keep pretending that I care for her deeply?

I think right now I need to bury these feelings. Deep down I know she’s not interested. Ultimately I want what’s best for her, no matter what but I can’t lie to myself or her. Maybe someday we could discuss this together and, ideally, this could become something more. But what I have right now is good and I don’t want to trade that in for the potential of something better if that means losing what is already here. Maybe someday, just not right now.

Currently – 9/7/19 (Friend, Life, Feelings)

I texted my friend as a follow up to see how she was doing. She got back to me some time later as sort of like a follow up. Didn’t seem like she was doing alright so I really hope she’s okay. I did my best to console her but it seems like she’s still in pain. I really wish I could do more for her but I feel like its important to give her as much space as she needs and whenever she feels like coming to me I’ll be there for her. This whole situation is infuriating but that’s not her fault. I’m not going to go into it too much but I just want to stop what hurt her and I’m frustrated I don’t know the exact words that will make her feel better immediately.

Making matters worse is I feel like I’m pulling back somewhat as to not hurt her or overstep my bounds. I hurt her once before and now I’m just trying to be someone there to help prop her up as much as she needs it but also trying to be mindful of her feelings and our, albeit limited, past together. I suppose the only thing I really can do is just be here for her. School will make that a lot more difficult as it will almost completely cut into the time frame I usually talked to her but I understand the classes are important in general and if I explain it to her she will understand. I just hate the idea of not being available when she might need it. I kind of want to talk about her more but I’ve got a lot of feelings tied up in this and I think I need to process it before I basically put this out into the world.

I guess I can update you guys on how the writing is going, or lack thereof. So ya, unfortunately it has taken a nose dive. A lot of life stuff got in the way and I’ve just been pulled in multiple directions all at once. Admittedly I’ve tried somewhat but even when I have the time when I look at what I’ve made I just end up feeling like its lacking. I’ve said this before but I feel like chapters don’t need to be multiple pages long provided it flows properly. The story does, however, look short in general. I’m fine with chapters being around two to three pages in theory but looking at the fact I’m at chapter 11 but I’ve only got around 30 pages it just feels… wrong somehow.

Right now I just want to power through it and finish it but I can’t get these stupid little ideas out of my head. If I’m being honest the book is really getting to the good parts and its almost halfway done, in terms of chapters, and I wouldn’t mind releasing what I have right now and just continuing on. However I feel as though since I’m going to be starting school soon which will take away even more time from me I wouldn’t be able to update the story in any consistent fashion. My biggest pet peeve is when a story I’m invested in takes forever to finally update and I don’t feel like putting that on others if the book I’m writing does actually turn out to be something you all would be interested in.

Then again school could actually force me to write more, though that’s a pretty big stretch. My idea is that I’ve been so lazy for a long time that I’ve been used to putting things off. But now that I actually have to put some effort into something that might end up fostering some better behaviors. Since the book would really be ramping up in these final chapters and become a lot more complex and require more rigorous research this could be the thing I need to move forward in one way or the other. My mom keeps asking me if I’m excited for this class and I keep saying no but I think I might actually be right now.

Currently – 9/2/19 (Work, Holiday, Sad)

Didn’t work today. If that’s good or bad in your book take it as you like. I wasn’t sure so I kept an ear out most of the day. I also woke up early just in case. Ultimately I just spent my time waiting in case I was called as I felt that was the most sensible thing to do. Other than that my day was pretty standard.

Like I said I woke up early. I took this advantage and used it to… go back to sleep. But then I did some exercises later! So it wasn’t all for nothing, I guess. Apparently today was Labor Day, which a lot of places take off as a holiday so I couldn’t do much. I was going to go to the bank to cash in an older check but they were closed and I’m not really sure how the ATM works, so I guess I’ll just go tomorrow if I have the time.

And like the other days before it I wasn’t contacted by anyone. I mostly just sat there and every time my phone had a notification pop up I jumped up thinking that maybe one of them decided to get back to me… but no. Part of me wants to believe they’ll come back as soon as I send them a message but the more logical side (at least it seems like it) is telling me that at best I’ll be ignored. Its times like these I wish I had more people to talk to on occasion. I used to have more friends but those are a bunch of long, painful stories that I don’t want to get into.

I think the best thing for me now is to just forget about them, even for a little bit. That sounds kind of cruel but both of them are aware I tried to contact them so if they want to come back they know I’m still here. I just hate waiting to talk to others. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me or something I’ve done wrong to them when sometimes its just that they’re busy. I can’t help but feel that its somehow my fault as opposed to life just getting in the way. I also can’t stop thinking about how I’m probably being passed over in favor of another person to speak to because I’m just not that interesting or fun or what have you to talk to.

I try to be a decent person. I’m not going to deny that sometimes I’m not, however. I think this isn’t healthy for me to obsess over. If they do come back then that will be nice. Otherwise my life goes on and I have to go on with it. No matter how much you like or care for a person if they don’t reciprocate then there’s not much you can do about that. Maybe I’ll go out tomorrow and just do something to forget about them for a while.

Currently 8/20/19 (Effort, Trying, Tired)

This morning I tried to write but for whatever reason I was just drawing a blank. And this isn’t an excuse or a lie, I literally sat there for almost thirty minutes and couldn’t write anything. I think right now I just need to get back into the writing mood. My poor state as of late has been really creatively stifling so I just have to find it again.

On the same note, my mood and general mental state is better. Less sleeping in for hours and more I have no creativity. Suffice it to say I’d rather have a creative lull than complete lack of energy to get up and do basic survival needs. I still have these little stupid moments but overall I feel a lot better. I think what I need now is to just move on and try to get on with my life.

My classes are going to be starting soon. I’ll still do my best to update the blog on a daily basis but forgive me in advance if that becomes a problem. My biggest concern would be not being able to write consistently on my book and… ya that’s already a problem. I guess there’s that whole bit of being awkward around people and trying to get to know people. I think my biggest problem when it comes to interacting with people is I look fairly normal but its my demeanor and general behaviors that make people dislike me. I do have a scar problem on my body but everyone is polite enough not to say anything about it or otherwise doesn’t notice it so there’s nothing really to clock me as a semi antisocial person immediately. Its really annoying to have people genuinely seem to take an interest in me, either just to be friendly or ‘something more’, only to have them completely abandon me out of nowhere leaving me to obsess over if I did something wrong.

I really hate going into that mental state. I try to put forth this energy of “I don’t care what you think about me” but that quickly goes out the window the second a text or an attempt to strike up a conversation is ignored for more than a few hours. I guess its how I try to treat everyone. My personal philosophy is to treat another person like a priority. Of course life stuff gets in the way, like how I occasionally have to take my dad to various doctor appointments, but even in that case I always try to take time out to tell the person I’m busy but I’ll get back to them. I never understand people who just decide to ignore calls or texts when they clearly have the time to talk to that person.

I’m very much a “Treat others on how you would like to be treated” type of person. However I often default to a “Treat others how they’ve treated you” which definitely isn’t the same, healthy or decent. That was my biggest problem with a recent incident. I’m trying to stick to the first part because I think that being nice to others is just good all around. Maybe they’ll be nice to you in return… or they’ll be terrible to you and you can claim the moral high ground. Alright, that last part was a bit of a joke but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a kernel of truth in it.