Currently – 8/29/19 (Rest, Work, Pain)

Last post (I think) I said I was going to try and work on what was bothering me and take a break from writing for a bit while I solved it. I tried… kind of. I forgot to text a friend which was my actual method for maybe getting out of this funk so… my bad. I think tomorrow I’m just going to write down, physically that is, whatever comes to my mind. I was always better writing when it goes down on an actual page. Not in terms of penmanship but like retaining information.

In the meantime I kept busy. Rewatched an anime I really liked: Blue Exorcist. I kind of prefer anime a bit more as opposed to other media but that’s neither here or there. I feel like constantly playing video games is just sapping me of creativity which is why I try to not play as much anymore and never before I need to write. I still like video games but moderation is best. I have some… bad habits and I like to keep myself focused on something. Normally that would be a job on weekdays but I can’t have everything. Soon I’ll be going to classes so maybe that will help.

This weekend I’m going to be working A LOT more than usual. Not going too much into detail but its potentially going to be a challenge. I took the opportunity for three main reasons I guess. First is that I need the money, second is I want to be trusted more and third was sort of because I was caught off guard. I think I can do it. Shouldn’t be too hard. And maybe I’ll get a nice bit of money out of it so I can do other stuff or just pay off my bills regularly.

I still feel pretty bad in general but its getting better every day. I keep feeling alone but it feels like something I can actually deal with a bit better. I still want to talk to people but I can’t as much as I like and so be it. In terms of physical pain my eye is kind of hurting right now for some reason. I think I’ll drink some more water if its dehydrated and maybe put something cold on it. Plans for tomorrow are a bit of exercising, writing and maybe doing something productive like washing my clothes and/or sheets.

Currently – 8/24/19 (Lazy, Weight?, Wait!)

Unfortunately no writing today. I think I didn’t do it because I was just so tired from last night. I was asked to sit in at my part time job and the description was really… lacking. Like I wasn’t sure about the specifics other than I had to ‘work’ through the night but I wasn’t sure what that entailed so I debated going to sleep or if I should attempt to wire myself up with coffee but then that would affect my performance for the next shift I was to take… So ya I really didn’t get much rest. I took the time shift for multiple reasons but basically I just want to be as helpful as possible because I think if I lose another job that’s going to break me. Don’t worry, I am getting enough rest I’m just still in that uncomfortable stage of it being a new job and I don’t want to step on toes.

I’ve had something of a weight problem for a while. Actually I should say its more of a body image problem more than anything. I know I’m not fit and that sucks but I’m not extremely overweight and its somewhat manageable. For me its about my appearance more than anything, although health wise it would be nice. I walked by a near full length mirror and saw my gut jutting out. I don’t mean like “I am self conscious and I perceive my gut hanging out” rather it was actually hanging out and it brought my mood down. I don’t have a problem with people and weight, my friend isn’t in the best shape but I’m always telling her that its fine if she stays at her current weight as long as she’s happy with it. I am not and I really would like to change that.

I guess I just have a problem with exercising regularly. I think its making a habit of it that’s difficult. I often just don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and do something simply. I don’t need to lose weight in a certain time period or for anything in particular, I just want to slim down a bit so I have more confidence and maybe I’ll be more attractive. Already I find it hard to take pictures of myself, even just the face because there’s also some problems I have there. It doesn’t feel like anyone is attracted to me looking like all of this.

Maybe its just a mind over matter thing. I think(?) I’ve been hit on in the past. Its really difficult to tell, though. I’m not sure if you’re attracted to me or just trying to be nice. It would be a lot easier and nicer if people were just more direct. Although would that be worse? Instead of wondering if I’m attractive to others would I just be sad that no one is saying I’m attractive? It feels like a lose-lose situation.

Someone told me that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else, and I disagree with every fiber in my being. Plenty of people hate themselves but love others! Why am I the only person who has to love myself before I can love or be loved by someone else? Not to drag on this person, even though they are no longer in my life and I want it to stay that way, but they were terrible at relationships too. My ideal mate is someone who looks at my flaws and loves me, not in spite of those flaws or overlooks them but loves me and all of me. I think if I had someone like that in my life I would want to be better for them in every way. The right person challenges you to become the best you that you can be each day. That’s how I see it.

Currently- 8/23/19 (Clinic, Laziness, Obligations)

Yesterday my mom informed me that she needed to do something at our actual house which is around a hundred miles away. For context we have a home but its exceedingly far away from where we work so we’re staying in an unusual situation and we just use the house for a glorified storage space for all of the stuff we want but don’t need and can’t fit in our new small space. Anyways so my dad had some doctor’s appointments for the next day so I would have to fill in. Extra annoyance on top of that was I was forced to spend the night with my dad because he’s prone to accidents so I basically just needed to be there in case he needed me. Not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my dad, for a multitude of reasons, I opted to use a very uncomfortable cot in a very uncomfortable position. It took a while but I finally went to sleep and it… wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.

Further adding on to the “Was not as bad as I expected” mood the whole situation with my dad wasn’t the worst. Although we did spend around two hours waiting for a procedure that ended up taking less than ten minutes and then me pushing my dad a pretty decent distance away for another check up, the whole situation was a lot less terrible than I initially was expecting. Not only that but I got some food out of it, a mostly full tank of gas and a hundred bucks for my emergency fund that I had previously drained. So… neat. I guess its sort of my new response to annoying things that has made stuff like this less annoying. I don’t yell and scream about doing something I hate, rather I just sigh and do it. Admittedly that is a bit passive aggressive but… hey, I did it to the best of my ability so you can’t knock me for that.

Something that I’m less proud of is I essentially told myself I wasn’t going to get any work done on my book. I was already expecting the situation to go on for a long time, which it did, and that I wouldn’t have any energy to do any work. Pretty much I just convinced myself I wouldn’t get anything done as an excuse to do nothing. This is something I can be disappointed in myself about. Effort is effort and I can’t blame myself for not meeting expectations. I can, however, blame myself for being kind of dumb. I hope to learn from this.

My current part time job is going pretty decent. The pay is nice, the job is easy and I can fit it into my life sort of well. The one problem I have is it kind of cuts my potential time to hang out with my friend to even lower levels. She’s usually tired after work and I work on weekends so there’s a pretty significant dead zone of any free time in our schedules. I was thinking about potentially getting her on a Friday but texting her today had her say she was playing a game with some friends and would text back later. She never did but I’m not going to hold that against her. Also right now I’m supposed to work right now for a weird time so its put my plan into question. Its been a while since I’ve seen her and that kind of sucks because I feel genuinely happy around her. Oh well, some other time then.

Currently – 7/9/19 (Fine, Lazy, Forward)

As a general rule of thumb I try to not to fully understand how I feel after something happens in my life I consider significant, at least to myself. I try to give myself time to process what happened, both mentally and emotionally. Today I’m still fine. Nothing really has changed. Though my own personal motivations have shifted I’m not a wreck. I accept what has happened and I’m interested in moving forward.

Unfortunately I’ve been lazy today. No work done whatsoever. I attribute this mostly due to my main motivations for getting work and money now being gone. Of course I still want and need a job, that hasn’t changed, but I no longer feel necessary to push myself so hard to find a job for some perceived plans. My mental state is drastically better as well, though I’m still annoyed by the fact that lying down to sleep is now just a constant cacophony of my brain replaying things I could have done or said to avert or progress what happened.

Ultimately I’m glad this happened. The relationship was not healthy or balanced and now that its done I feel immensely better. I guess the best way to describe it is that if you’ve lived with a certain pain for so long you can’t remember not feeling it and its just become part of your life. Eventually you’re convinced or forced to get treatment and now that its over you feel unusual like its a foreign feeling despite the fact this is how you were before. I’m going to try to be more productive tomorrow and actually get some kind of work done. My room needs cleaning so I think I’ll focus on that for now.

Currently – 7/4/19 (Bored, Disappointed, Lazy)

Its Independence Day and…! I have done nothing productive. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m taking a break off for the holiday but pretty much every single day has been like this. Honestly I’m just annoyed at the lack of work every time I try to find some. Its pretty discouraging to say the least when I know I need money but all the jobs I see I’m not qualified for or they’re very sketchy.

Instead of just sitting around I decided to text my friend and she didn’t answer. Although, if I’m being honest, I just sent her a dumb joke image to test the waters on whether she wanted to talk or not. I’m disappointed she didn’t answer but I’m sure she has a good reason. I thought it would have been the perfect time to talk but I guess not. My guess is she’s busy with work so I’m not going to make a big deal out of this.

So for pretty much waking up I’ve just been playing video games. I know its not good or healthy or productive but I just don’t want to focus on all of that annoying stuff, if only for just one day. I keep looking for people to blame why this entire process is so frustrating but the buck keeps getting passed off on another thing and I don’t want to go through that circle of annoyance if I don’t have to.

Maybe I just need to be more productive. Put my nose to the grindstone, or what have you, and just do what needs to be done. I’ll try better tomorrow. For now I think I’ll just be a bit lazy. Not saying I’ve earned it, just in the sense that I don’t feel its going to be any more productive than sitting in front of a computer trying to find potential jobs but ending up finding nothing. I’ll find a way out of this soon. I have to.

Currently – 6/13/19 (Damage, Disappointment, Resolve)

Really disappointed with myself today, even though I know it was out of my control (to some degree). Woke up in pretty significant pain from previous day’s work. Mostly just my neck, back, legs and arm. Basically just “All of the things I would use to work feel bad”. I called up my boss to say I wasn’t coming in which I knew wasn’t going to go over well but he was surprisingly decent about the situation. This job is really taking a toll on my body but I feel like I need to work around that personally. It seems like a decent job with a lot of learning potential and growth for the future so I want to actually do well at this.

The main reason why I’m disappointed is because not only is this REALLY early on in this job that I’ve already called in sick but its a pattern I used to engage in with my last job. Of course there were a few times where I was physically unable to come in but other times I just wasn’t feeling like it due to personal/home problems so I used sick days as an excuse to unwind. I’ve really been trying to get away from doing that for various obvious reasons and I definitely don’t want to take that with me into the rest of my adult life.

I’ve been pretty much beating myself up all day because of this, not to say that I did this because I was lazy I did have good and legitimate reasons. I want to be a responsible adult that does the job well and is thought of as a good worker. Partially because the pay would most likely be better but also I’m just tired of being a slacker. That stuff was… not fine but somewhat acceptable in my early years but I’m getting to that point where most people settle down and get into the groove of who they are and all that. I don’t want to be a slacker.

So for this resolution I am going to make myself promise to not screw around. I need to be a better person. I need to put in the effort to make this work. I’m going to use this job as an opportunity to benefit myself. I’m going to become a better more diligent person. I want to succeed. I want to excel. I’m going to give this my utmost amount of effort to be the best employee and person that I can be.