Tomorrow I’m going to be going to my class. There have been some problematic things around this, mostly that the books I was supposed to get beforehand have been delayed. It is entirely possible that I will be kicked out immediately on day one simply for not having these but I’m hopeful I can convince them otherwise. I’ll also have to actually wake up early for the first time in a while, which is annoying but potential well paying job after this class is over so… kind of a small thing.
More talking with my friend today. She wasn’t feeling well so it was mostly assuring her how great of a person she is and how much she means to me. There was some other stuff where it was a little bit happier but it was mostly the first part. Unfortunately I feel like my feelings for her are getting deeper. Which isn’t a bad thing but I feel like she isn’t interested in reciprocating. There’s a lot of emotions tied around this but what I feel more than anything is I just want her to be happy. I think what I fear more than anything is another situation where I put everything into a relationship only to be rebuffed. Then again maybe just this is good. More would be something I’m interested in but what is here right now I’m satisfied with so I think trying to go forward would be a big mistake.
Of course even telling myself that, something sensible and I can completely understand, doesn’t mean that my unconscious thoughts are going to fall in line. I really do want this class to work out and eventually lead into a rewarding job I can have until I decide to retire but it could just as well not work out at all. I could end up stuck where I am right now and be almost incapable of moving forward. Writing seemed like it would be my way out or a back up plan but the chances of me becoming a successful writer are slim at best. What I fear more than anything is being unable to progress my life in any meaningful way.
What I really want now is a partner. Someone who stands by my side, pushes me to better myself while also being someone I can lean on when necessary. My luck with dating people is nonexistent at best. My biggest frustration is I have no idea why I keep getting passed over. Am I ugly? Do I smell bad? Personality terrible? It doesn’t matter if what people say hurts me if I know exactly what I need to change. I think life would be a lot better if people were more honest… to a degree. I would rather have my feelings hurt than be left in the dark as to how to better myself.
For me its difficult to know when someone really cares or wants to talk to me. For more content I wrote something two posts ago, if memory serves correct, about my grandfather. If we become friends I’ll want to talk to you for hours upon hours almost non stop. If I could stop myself from needing to do everything in life just to talk to you I would. Obviously, and unfortunately, not everyone else feels the same way. There’s this disconnect where I sometimes forget that and think that someone who is just living their life and doing everything they can to survive is actually making a conscious decision to avoid talking to me. This was the main reason why I inadvertently said something bad against someone I care about.
Today I received a surprise message from them from out of the blue asking to talk over the phone. This was the first time I ever heard this person cry. This person who was so kind and loving and amazing in every way was in tears on the other end. I did my best to help her but I’m never sure if I’m ever doing things right. I wanted to cry with them too but I knew that they needed someone strong at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to embrace them and take all of their pain away, even if I had to suffer for it. I don’t think she would appreciate me giving any information on what happened so I will decline to describe the situation.
I really want some advice on how to help her but that of course would entail saying what happened and I’m not going to betray her trust. I want to know the perfect thing that’s going to make all of this feel better so she can never experience pain like this again. At this point I feel like all I can do is just be there with her and do my best to take care of her needs no matter what that means. Complicating matters is that I’m going to start school on Monday which will drastically limit the time we can talk. Part of me wants to just cancel the classes and spend all my time just being present for her but that’s not sensible and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Where I want to go, what I have to do to get there and what I want to be there when I am there. I already know where I want to go and what I want to be there but not how to get there. Not really sure how to put that. I guess its like you’re going on a trip to a destination but you don’t have any transportation or money for food. Maybe I can get a stable, well paying job from this class and be able to save enough money to get there. This could be the beginning of the rest of my life. To put it lightly I’m terrified but excited.
I’m happy to say that I actually did some more work on the book. Granted it wasn’t a lot but any amount of work is still work. It feels like I have to force myself but when I do I feel like the words gradually come to me more naturally. I’m still not doing the amount I’d like to be doing but I’m not going to beat myself up for trying. Eventually I may get back to my old strides but only time will tell.
Today I had an… unexpected surprise that was very pleasant. I’m hesitant to say anymore out of fear I’ll somehow jinx it. It put a lot of what I was thinking about into perspective and made me realize I was wrong in some areas. As a generally pessimistic person I like being proved wrong… provided that being proved wrong is pleasant, of course. I won’t say much more because of the past experiences where I’ve been excited and shared what I was excited about only to have it blow up in my face, so I think I’ll just keep this to myself and the only indication I give others is an uncharacteristic grin.
I had a run in with my old job on two different accounts. Rather I should say I had a run in with former coworkers. I always felt it was a bit awkward to see them because I thought they all knew I was ‘coerced’ into ‘resigning’ but as the days go by it feels less and less horrible. I’ve come to accept what happened, owned up to the fact I was at fault and I’m trying to move on. For the most part its working. Though its a lot more difficult seeing as how its my family’s business and I’m always privy to the ins and outs. At the very least the constant barrage of family telling me to jump ship because the business that had been around decades before I was born was going to crumble, reminding me that this is due to my grandfather’s passing, has been lessened.
In a few weeks I’m going to start my classes. My mom keeps bringing it up asking me if I’m excited. I’ll refer you to the previous statement on why I don’t get excited for things anymore. This could be good. I keep hearing that I’m pretty much guaranteed a job offer after the class is over so that’s cool. I have my own part time job and it doesn’t seem like it would conflict with either the class or the potential job in the future. I’m just worried about getting burned out working 7 days a week. Though if the job is good I may consider getting my own place and moving out.
I guess I’m kind of back into the groove of writing more so… yay! I did much more than three times of previous writing day. I guess my only problem is I wrote a character that I’m not totally sure on. I think she’s great but I feel like others might have a problem with her. Debating on reworking her but on the one side I don’t want to offend people needlessly but on the other she is… somewhat accurate to the time period but I also made it so she’s not entirely offensive when looked at in the context of the full story. Definitely shaky on this.
More work today. This job is pretty easy. I guess my one gripe is that I’m not really sure what the pay is going to be like as well as I’m basically just uncomfortable the entire time. Not in the sense of “This feels weird” more like I have to interact with others and I’m not sure how to do it right now. In any case its really easy and I can do this and its a job so… no real complaints.
I texted my friend some time ago. Actually I should say that I texted her yesterday and she was busy and said she’d come back later and then I texted her today. She was tired today so we didn’t talk. Kind of disappointed, I guess? You can really tell I’m stretching for content here. I guess something else is going on but due to my own personal fears and superstitions I’m not going to mention it. It really seems like any time I’m doing good or something good is happening in my life and I tell someone about it then it goes extremely poorly and I don’t want that to happen here.
I don’t really feel happy or sad right not. Not sure if I’m numb or just feeling sort of cautious. Like I’m trying to keep as neutral of a mood as possible so I don’t get forced into feeling bad. That’s not a great way to live but right now I feel like stuff is stable right now and there’s no need to rock the boat. Just sail smoothly on calm waters. I guess the only thing I’m watching out for is in September which is when I’m supposed to go to classes. I hope that goes well and it gives me a pleasant well paying job. I think the first thing I’m going to do with that first check is look into therapy.
Did some more work on my book today. Though I feel like as each day passes I’m doing less and less work on this thing. I’m not sure if I should change that or not. Force myself to write or allow it to flow? Maybe I’ll just give it some time. Either way some amount of progress was done.
Also worked at my temporary job today. Its pretty easy all things considered. Just basically on standby in case anyone needs anything. I do some work on occasion but its small and not really anything to fret over a lot. Have yet to be paid. Wondering when a paycheck will come by I think it will. In the meantime I still haven’t cashed in my check from my old job so that’s a bit of a safety net. I should cash it as soon as possible.
Pretty much every day I keep thinking about a bunch of things. Mentally torturing myself is a better way to put it. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t relax without thinking about this stuff. Its kind of infuriating and making me feel sad. I think right now I just want to be numb to it. Forgetting seems impossible and could backfire.
I keep thinking about all the things I’ve done and haven’t. Keep thinking I’m a failure. Its not like I want to have these feelings, its just that my brain won’t let me have a moment to myself. I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it, but I’m trying. All I ask is that I not constantly torture myself over all of these mistakes. How can I learn from them if I’m always thinking about how I screwed up? There’s a time to beat yourself up for messing up but there’s also a time to ask yourself “Alright now what can I learn from this to not do it anymore?” Maybe I’m still in the previous stage.
I hesitate to say this but I think my book is going pretty well. I’m putting in a fair amount of effort, I’m forcing myself to write an acceptable amount every so often. The only reason I hesitate is because whenever something good is going on in my life or I’ve found something good it ends up turning out poorly. I meet someone great and gush about them then eventually that turns badly. I gush about a new job and I get fired. This keeps happening and I’m not sure how to stop it.
I really just want to have something good happen in my life and that’s it. No blow ups, no mishaps. Just something good. It feels like I can’t celebrate anything because eventually its going to turn. I really wish I knew why this was happening or, even better, how to stop it. This really can’t go on forever. At least I hope so.
Anyways, currently still writing. Putting in some effort, though not as much as I would like. Even so, effort is effort. Spent most of my day playing video games, again. At least I don’t feel so guilty now that I put work in before hand so there’s at least that. I have my vacation pay and I’ve been informed that this could be all that I’ll get. I can pay off my car bill a few times so I’m fine for the moment. Plus I have this temporary job on the weekends which gives me the perfect excuse not to travel to my parents’ place on the weekends which I’m also thankful for. All in all, not a bad day.
And yet another day of doing nothing really productive. Well I guess I shouldn’t say that. I’ve been metaphorically sitting on a bag full of my old work’s company shirts. We stopped using them after some time but that’s not the point. Anyways, after over a month of having washed, dried and placed them into a bag I finally gave it back. Mostly as an excuse to ask if my vacation pay was coming as I haven’t My former supervisor later confirmed that next pay period I will be receiving that vacation pay so yay!
This isn’t permanent or going to be an exceptional amount of money but its… something. Ideally I will be getting my previous pay until all of my unused vacation time has run out. I never really took a lot of vacation time so I could be getting a pretty decent sum. I haven’t done any calculations but I never took more than a week off each year minus sick days and stuff like that. At the very least it should prop me up for a while until I can find gainful employment. I’m hoping it goes for the duration of my classes coming about two months from now and the classes will yield an actual job.
I pretty much spent the entire time playing video games, minus a few areas here and there, and that’s definitely not ideal. I think I’ll at least attempt to put a dent into a book. Definitely not going to finish it but progress is progress. As I’ve said before once I feel comfortable enough doing so I will post it somewhere and link you all to it so you can read it for free.
I’ve been thinking of playing some puzzle games in the meantime. If I’m going to procrastinate on my work might as well work my brain in the meantime, I guess. Personally I’ve never really been interested in them but maybe I can change that. I would like to just buy like a puzzle or something but I probably have a few puzzle games around here or there so might as well not waste money while we’re at it. Although I’d really like to do something that exercises my mind. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear them.
Fairly recently I decided to get back into learning Japanese. Its… going okay. I mean I need to be more proactive in learning but it, at the very least, feels like I’m doing something productive. I use this app called Duolingo and it works fairly well. I was using it before to learn but I dropped it for life difficulties. I know Japanese is an unusual choice to learn seeing as how its not really widely spoken but I have always been enamored with Japanese culture and wanted to visit Japan one day so it just seemed like a good fit. Maybe some time in the near future I could go there.
Life feels pretty decent for now. I kind of feel like I’ve got a handle on things at the moment. Nothing really too crazy happening. I feel like I can do this. Just take life one day at a time and you’ll be fine. I think that’s a good way to look at it.