Currently – 10/15/19 (Hospital, Class, Relationships)

While I was in the middle of writing a post my brother called me up and asked me to meet him at the emergency room. I drove all that way and my dad was lying in a hospital bed pretty much out of his mind. I can’t really describe the feelings I was having. My dad’s emaciated body just lying out on the bed, cuts on his face, mumbling incoherently, not even aware I was there. I’m not even really sure how to process what happened other than I just left after a while.

I was going to talk about how school was going in the last post so I guess I’ll just cram that in here. I’ve been talking to more people and getting better marks on my assignments which is good. I still have some stuff I need to work on but overall I’m doing pretty well. Getting more comfortable with everything and able to voice my feelings a bit better.

One thing I keep finding on my mind is wondering how others see me. I suppose that’s more of a general kind of thing but ultimately I’m wondering who I should invest more time into. I’m also still a little awkward around people which I definitely want to change as soon as possible. But little by little maybe I’ll find my way.

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Currently – 10/3/19 (Class, Hospital, Disconnected)

There’s something weird that goes on each day that I just realized I haven’t discussed. So every day there’s a rhythm. I get to class and, in some way or another, I’m ignored by my peers. Later we section off into groups and I, purposefully, drag my feet so everyone can be with their preferred partner. The class is uneven so I’m always left the odd man out. At first this was just because I was lonely and afraid people would think I was creepy but now its become a way to force myself to interact with people since I kind of have to. And the people still get to be with who they want so there’s that.

Eventually I will walk up to another group and just ask to hang around, or on rare occasions I would be invited to another group. Eventually we would just kind of talk, like peers. This actually feels really nice, whether I’m forced to interact with someone or someone ends up coming to me. It feels like someone wants to be around me, if only for a few moments. I helped some people with an assignment today and it was really nice just to be a part of a group where I was actually useful and no one judged me (at least that I couldn’t see).

Something I didn’t mention is that my dad has been in the hospital for a few days. Something about a blood infection? I don’t know. Anyways my brother tried to get me to visit him yesterday but I was wiped out and said I would do it today knowing I wouldn’t like the experience. My dad continued to be himself, rambling on for almost an hour. Eventually a nurse came in with some pain medication and tried to explain the situation to him calmly but he just kept being argumentative with this nice woman, accusing her of lying. Bless her because she had the patience of a saint.

I left as soon as I could and was on my way home just driving. I wanted to listen to some music or have a video play in the background so I ended up shutting off my GPS just to not be interrupted while I was enjoying whatever I was listening to. Unfortunately my sense of direction has always been really bad so I ended up driving for miles and miles, eventually overshot where I was going and ended up in the wrong direction by nearly thirty miles. Somehow I had ended up in the same city where I went to high school. This wave of nostalgia and annoyance just washed over me before I headed back.

I wondered what it would have been like to just drive into the parking lot and see my old school. I thought about bumping into a former classmate and, them seeing me wearing my scrubs, would ask me about my current job and I’d correct them by saying I was just a student. It felt weirdly good. I don’t often drift back into being a teenager in high school and have fond memories or think about meeting an old classmate with joy. I thought about how far my life has come since then. Who I am, what I’ve done and how much I’ve changed.

I wasn’t a good person in high school, to say the least. I was dealing with a lot of issues at home and in my past that poisoned my mind and turned me into something that I can only look back on in disgust or embarrassment. There are definitely some things I miss like my scalp not being riddled with dandruff or my really really thin frame thanks to my teenage metabolism. But overall I’m happy that I’ve become a more realized person. I dealt with my own sexuality, came to terms with my own toxic behavior and, overall, I think I became a better person… or at least I hope I have.