Currently – 9/26/19 (Honesty, Bad, Help)

I think I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come on here now I talk about how amazing my class is and, to some extent, it actually is but there’s a lot of problems I’m facing. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this class and its killing me. It hurts a lot knowing that a bunch of people in my family literally put up a lot of money for me to take this class and more often than not I either miss assignments or I fail tests. Obviously I want to do good, and I’m not failing on purpose, but I keep falling short. I got back a test today and I was one single point away from getting a passing grade.

The worst part is I’ve been convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m really hurting inside. I unknowingly pushed away the one person who was there to help me. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to her again. I really do need her support right now. Though right now I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me. Last time we spoke I was crying seeing messages she sent saying how much I hurt her. I do really want her back in my life but I’m not going to pretend that I deserve her after being so insensitive but if I don’t try to reach out then I can’t get help from her.

I really do want to like this class and stick with it but I’m so afraid. Whenever something good happens in my life I keep trying to mess it up because chaos is all I know. I feel at home in the rubble of failed ventures, broken promises and destroyed relationships. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel happy and whole. This class feels like it could be my ticket into a better life and I don’t want to screw that up. Not because someone paid a large amount of money for me to go but because of what I can achieve from this. I want, more than anything, to build something even if its just from the broken pieces that I call my life.

Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask for her forgiveness. I don’t expect her to take me back, and she deserves every right to never speak to me again. But, as much as it scares me to say this, I love her. A lot. I don’t want to lose her at all. If she decides not to reciprocate then I totally understand and I’ll move on but I can’t just leave it like this. I can’t just pretend that I don’t care about her and would do anything to make this better.

Currently 9/5/19 (Truth, Honesty, Insecurity)

So… ya. Last post. That was kind of heavy. First time I ever admitted something like that, if I’m being honest. I’ve never told any of my friends and certainly none of my family members. Not sure where to go from here if there is anywhere left.

I guess I’ve just been feeling like I haven’t amounted to anything and I’m never going to. That’s why I’m so interested in writing. To put something down that signals I existed even for the briefest of moments. I’m not good at anything else. I’m really socially awkward, I’m not funny at least when I first meet someone, I used to think I was smart but I’m not sure anymore, and I’m certainly not attractive. At this point I really want to get married to someone, share my life and my vulnerabilities with another person. But even more than that I just want someone to look at me and accept me for who I am.

I don’t like to keep mirrors around or just look at them in general. I can’t even recognize my own face anymore. It feels like I’m staring at a stranger. Of course I know its me so I’m not that far gone. But when I know its me I just look at all my faults and flaws. I remember all the dumb things I’ve done and then I start judging myself. I don’t know which is worse: being so disconnected from yourself you barely recognize your own reflection or constantly judging yourself for your actions.

I keep having this dream recently. I’m standing on a mountain overlooking the world. In front of me is a figure sitting down, looking at what I’m looking at. They’re old, much older than me. Even from where I am I know its me but a future version, someone who’s lived their life. I want to ask them about their path, about where they’ve been so I can take the best path. All I can do is stare at them wondering if I should, if the questions I ask don’t lead me down the correct path. All I can ask is “Did you find what you were looking for?” There’s always this unbearable silence to the point that I hold my breath and steady my heart so I don’t miss a single word of wisdom they have to offer me. And every time they simply answer: “No.”

Then again I don’t think any answer, no matter how elaborate, would have been satisfying.

Currently – 8/6/19 (Pain, Honesty, Future)

I just want to start off with some really uncomfortable honesty. I haven’t been in a good place for a long time. If I’m being honest I can’t remember when I was in a good place, to put it bluntly. We were kicked out of our house in order to save the family business which started going south after my grandfather passed away, my dad (someone who I have never had a good relationship with) is currently on his deathbed with cancer and is trying to connect with me with whatever small amount of time he has left, I started up a friendship with someone I respected and began to care for a lot but ultimately screwed it up because of my own faults, and in between that time I was let go from a job I had for almost ten years and then got a new job only to be fired days later. Not to mention the fact that all of this eventually culminated in a pretty severe panic attack that left me with a persistent pain in my chest I’m still having as I’m writing this.

Above all right now I just really want to finish this book. I’m not making excuses as to why I’m not working on it, rather just saying a lot has been going on in my life and I’m not really sure what to do. Despite me having said some… not great things to this person they have been kind enough to allow me to speak to them on occasion. They gave me some advice early this morning when I wasn’t capable of sleeping which ultimately culminated in “Take a break for now”. Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to attempt writing again but I can’t make any promises. Above all else my own personal health and dealing with it comes first.

My greatest fear is that I will be nothing. That I will live my life struggling without ever finding meaning. I’ll eventually die and have contributed nothing. Never finding love with another, never fulfilling any of my dreams and never having put my mark on the world in any way possible. I will die alone and unknown. The thought of that is genuinely terrifying and I’ve been doing my best to either surpass in doing things of worth or simply mentally and emotionally moving beyond this idea. Writing is my one talent, the one thing I can do to potentially make a better life for myself and put my mark on existence, no matter how small.

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: Once I am able I plan to go to therapy. Unfortunately that’s an expensive thing so until I can actually make some decent amount of money that’s a future thing at best. I still have bills to pay in the meantime and I occasionally need to eat. As much as I would like my government to consider health care a priority for all people to be able to get the help they need that just isn’t reality right now.

Above all else I just want to thank every single one of you for coming to this blog, not only to read but like and comment on these posts. They’ve been an immensely positive effect on my life no matter how small. I am still very much dedicated to showing you all my work so we can discuss it or just simply enjoy it together. I’m not going to push myself to get to that point, however. But when it is done I promise that I will share it with you. Until then, thank you for being here with me.

Currently – 6/25/19 (Writing, Country, Disillusionment)

Today I finally had the courage to put more work into my paper. I was debating on doing it because I was feeling lazy and didn’t think I wanted to do it any more. However there were some stories that I saw that convinced me otherwise. I just want to say this as bluntly as possible: America is not a good place to be right now. The political climate is terrible and the way our representatives are treating foreigners/minorities is extremely terrible. If you have plans to visit here I suggest you wait.

Its very difficult to comprehend how unusual or messed up your country really is until you see it from an outside perspective. About two years ago I was given the opportunity to go to Iceland. Its an extremely beautiful place, many of the people are friendly and its weirdly both alien and similar. Every single person I met, even two children who weren’t in double digit ages, spoke English and their native tongue perfectly. Customs were incredibly streamlined to get through even though we were coming in during the tourist season. I think it took a total of maybe twenty minutes to get off the plane and actually set foot outside into Iceland.

Maybe one day I’ll speak more on the trip, if you want me to. To put it simply I’ve never felt more like myself than when I was in a foreign land. But that isn’t the point I’m trying to make. Getting back into America was a laborious and disheartening task for someone who was born, lived and never once before this time went outside of the country. Lines were crowded and congested. There were at least around a hundred people cramped and locked into lines to get out of one of the largest airports in the entire country. It honestly took around an hour just to be back home.

Of course this is a small portion of the larger problem. Right now there are many people being held in concentration camps, children no less. The conditions are so bad that they aren’t even being given proper living conditions to such an extent that children are in serious harm and some have even died. This is absolutely monstrous and absolutely unnecessary. I must point out that you personally are unlikely to be placed in one of these concentration camps but it is a very telling sign that things most likely will get worse if nothing is done.

My paper is focusing on one aspect that is plaguing my country’s politics. I have been emboldened to, at the very least, attempt to finish and publish my work. If all goes well it will happen by the end of the week. This is no longer about me and my fears but something I feel I need to do to shed light on a group of individuals in my country who seem to be at the seat of all its woes. Not getting too heavy into my personal situation but if anyone were to connect what I am about to write and publish back to me there is a very strong possibility I could be killed by some extremist groups. However I would rather die telling the truth than prosper under a system that actively discriminates and harms innocent people.

Currently – 6/22/19 (Sadness, Empathy, Wishing)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own personal mood and how it affects others. I know times aren’t really great for me but I want to both be honest and hopeful. Its difficult, to say the least. I don’t feel like it would be good to pretend like I don’t have these feelings but I also don’t want to bum people out. Feel like I’m walking on a tightrope.

No matter what I want to help people. I always feel better after helping someone. I hope this blog is helping people. I know that sounds weird but I personally view being honest and open with your feelings can, potentially, help others. Maybe it just makes you feel like you’re not alone, even if its just for a little bit.

I have a lot of things I want to do and things I’m looking forward to in the future. I have trouble expressing these kinds of things. Mostly from the stand point I’m afraid if I keep talking about what I want it might not come true. I think more than anything I just want to be happy. To know where I belong and what I’m supposed to do. Even more than that, I just want everyone else to be happy.

Currently – 6/17/19 (Stability, Options, Hope)

Last few posts have been very depressing, I can admit that. My goal with this blog is to not make anyone feel better by lying to them but rather catalog my life as it occurs. That being said I am sorry to those of you who have come here with the express purpose of feeling better about yourselves via an uplifting blog. I will take that into account and keep it in mind for my next posts.

With that being said, I actually had a pretty decent day. Not much out of the ordinary, save for the fact I got to speak to my friend for a fairly long amount of time. It was actually very nice, although she was a little bit off in responding which I took as her contacting another person at the same time. We talked a bit and I really enjoyed it but not much other than that. I find the simplest things in life are often the best.

Still currently unemployed but I won’t let that get me down. My mom has been talking, a lot if I’m being honest, about things I can do. I think my major annoyance with this is that she seems to be forcing me to move back home. To put it lightly I don’t have happy memories living there and I would prefer not to. However if circumstances continue I just may have to. Point is I’m not giving up and I’ve got things I can do.

I had given up all hope of being able to take my trip but things are getting better. While, yes, I don’t have a job and therefore the capital to fund my trip what I do have is a good friend over there. It definitely isn’t going to happen tomorrow, not in the next week or probably even in the month but I’ll do my best to meet with her in person. I’ve been through stuff like this before and I can tell you first hand I don’t like to wallow. It doesn’t help me to do so and I eventually end up stagnating. It may be painful to walk forward but its better if I do so. Better to feel a bit of pain moving forward than to sustain it by staying put.

Currently – 6/7/19 (Uncertainty, Honesty, Future)

I’ve never received many options in life. Maybe one or two, not much more than that. More often than not choices were made for me. Maybe its because I was lazy or indecisive. I like to focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking has never been my strong suit. Searching for jobs has really flipped the script for me. Now I’m juggling multiple potential options and I have to actively search out those options.

Being overwhelmed is certainly a factor but I’m always wary if I’m making the right choice. Is this the job that I want or, better yet, need? Will this open up my life and send me down the right path? I’m fine with working for stuff, and it definitely feels more rewarding to put effort into something, but I always hate wasting my time. I constantly second guess myself which often leads to a decision being made for me.

If I’m being completely honest I’m not sure what to do. I’ve had a few places give me a call back and, while I’m still working towards going to the interview at the very least, I’m still not sure if I should take the position. Of course I’m always looking for the best deal with the best benefits but what comes with that is a job that can pick and choose the applicants and I’m never anyone’s first choice for anything.

Right now what I really want to do is move out of the country, which takes a lot of money and planning that I just don’t have. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything here for me right now. I have my family but we’ve been slowly growing apart, which I’m fine with. I want to build my own family rather than add to this one. That sounds like a very privileged thing to say but I want to be honest with myself and the people in my life. At the very least get everyone on the same page.

Here I am sitting in this small room looking around and I see nothing that I want to take with me. Nothing around me right now seems like something that I’m going keep with me for the foreseeable future. Of course there’s things like my phone, computer and wallet but these things can be easily replaced, and some should truth be told. I don’t want to carry around junk with me or leave the people I love with piles of junk when I’m gone.

I keep thinking about those people that decide to go backpacking around a country and wonder how they do it. Unfortunately a lot of them lie. Tell you about how you “Just can’t think about it, you’ve got to do it.” Many of them don’t talk about food or shelter or any basic living conditions that are clearly being met. They try to tell you that you can fit your entire life into a backpack while at the same time they have someone else following them, carrying video and sound equipment documenting their journey. Its hard to take someone seriously while they’re carrying around a few thousand dollars worth of video, sound and editing tech and then talk about how they can’t fulfill simple everyday life needs.

But, honestly, I’m envious of that. I’ve only ever been out of my country once and I never felt more like myself. In just a week I had so much clarity and focus, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Of course that vacation ended swiftly and I fell back into who I really was but even worse this time I had a glimpse of the kind of person I wanted to be. I was let out of a cage to see the world clearly for the first time only to be locked up again. Is this where I’m supposed to be? It doesn’t feel like it. Of course the worst thing would be to go somewhere new to find myself and find out that I was really meant to be elsewhere. In a way, I wish someone could make this decision for me. But the only person who really can is myself.