Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

Currently – 10/19/19 (Cooking, Work, Off)

Finally got around to doing some cooking. It wasn’t much, just a bunch of starter ingredients. I steamed some kale, which mildly improved the taste, and cooked some mushrooms. Not really sure what to do with all of this but… hey, its cooked and ready. I think tomorrow I’ll cook some beans I’ve been meaning to get to.

More work, in multiple ways. Of course there’s my part time job but I’m also trying to get ahead of some homework. I also missed a few assignments that I’m allowed to make up so that’s nice. I believe all the homework for Monday is finished so its just the make up and the extra stuff so I can have a bit of free time, hopefully. Not really that I can do anything with it but so be it.

Sorry for the small post size and the fact I’m doing this a lot later than I promised. I’ve just been feeling really down as of late. No one really to talk to, no one in my life. It just doesn’t feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning. I really just want some companionship. Not necessarily in a sexual/romantic way, although that would be nice, but I really just want someone who wants to be there for me. Someone who texts me every so often just to see how I’m doing, wants to share great things going on in their life, someone I can just be near occasionally. More than anything I just want to be wanted, if that makes any sense. I want to be someone else’s reason for getting up in the morning, in a positive way.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 9/19/19 (School, Home?, Anxiety)

Yet another day of school. I’m starting to warm up to this place a bit, although it would be better to say I’m warming up to my fellow classmates and the teacher to some extent. I guess I should talk about my teacher a bit, though not in length so I don’t get doxxed because I like this anonymity. Teacher is a really nice woman who seems knowledgeable with the subject she’s teaching which is always great. She’s really attentive and willing to work with us on any problems we have. Monday(?) she took a bit of a time out to help me look for a piece of non existent homework I was unaware I was supposed to finish and didn’t get mad or disappointed that I hadn’t finished it or essentially wasted her time. She genuinely makes this seven hour+ class a bit more bearable.

My thought going into this program was that I was just going to sit my head down and just be the quiet kid who just did the work and got out without talking to anyone. Thankfully I have a lot of nice people pushing me out of my comfort zone and they’re not immediately stopping me from growing. In the past I would have these occasional bursts of trying to be a more social person but always I was met with a look or something that basically said “Know your place”. Obviously that’s not really good for someone’s social growth. Long story short, high school was rough and the fact I had any friends after it ended is a miracle in and of itself.

I cut my hair yesterday in the evening to basically make sure I couldn’t back out of this. I wanted to cut my hair but I put it off for too long but now its done… and I’m actually glad about it. It doesn’t look great but I don’t look like a clown so I’m counting this as a positive. And, even better, some people noticed and actually liked it. I got there early in the morning and had a nice chat with one of the women in the class. I talked about my fears and she commented on my hair cut and just, in general, it was a nice casual way to brighten up my day. The woman I talked about before also commented on it which was nice because I have this idea in my head that I wasn’t creepy to her.

I’m starting to think she might be attracted to me but I’m honestly not sure. It seemed like she was looking for me early in the morning just to maybe use me as a guinea pig for our morning routine, which I would have liked because she was easy to work with and actually helped me through the process. She generally seems like a quiet somewhat shy person, somewhat similar to me but I’m going to go out on a limb and say she doesn’t have anywhere near my messed up brain so she could actually be… normal. Of course she is most likely just being nice to me as the two of us, along with the rest of our group, has to be together for a full school year (around nine months) and potentially be stuck together at the same work place so it would be beneficial for all of us if we were just decent with one another. I think it would be best if I just treated her as a coworker and, if anything should sprout, then so be it but definitely don’t expect anything or try to move forward with her for a variety of reasons.

Apart from that I actually got to partner up with one of the other few men in the class. This guy is the classic cool kid, stays in the back row, talks and jokes with girls constantly while slacking off. That was my impression of him at first but I kind of got him wrong. He seems to actually be trying and following stuff. He does do some other things that made me have that impression but he’s actually trying and I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I fully admit I stereotyped this guy and I’m glad that he really seems to be going for this as a serious career. Good for him.

Back at my place something annoying happened. I’m not going to get into detail but I sat down fully ready to melt away the stress of working a lot to be greeted by another, more annoying, stress. Tomorrow I have a free day so I’m hoping that I can just relax a bit… while also cleaning my entire room but also focusing on taking away my worries. Tonight I’m just going to relax but tomorrow I’m going to try and finish all of my homework for next week and study for a test coming up. Its really important to work hard and diligently but also equally important to know when its time to put down your work and take a breather, even if its just for a few minutes. Right now I’m going to try and relax while my worries pass me by.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 9/13/19 (Rest, Friend, Tired)

Today I was mostly productive like I wanted to be. Did some much needed laundry, shaved a bit and even used a face mask which… I’m not sure does anything but its something that feels like it does something which is the effect I was looking for. I also did some homework which felt… okay. I guess its just reminding me how massive this work load is. Literally multiple pages of homework.

I tried texting my friend and she… did not respond. Kind of made me feel miserable. I kind of had this “Screw it, I want to talk to her and beating around the bush isn’t going to do that” type mood. I think it makes me feel awful from the standpoint that I put myself out there only to realize that I’m alone here. I just wish I didn’t feel terrible when my desire for affection or connection goes unrequited. Then again she does have a habit of coming back some time later so… probably just need to wait. For now I will sulk and reread messages trying to find if I somehow offended her in some way and the best way to apologize until she comes back with a much more reasonable response as to why she wasn’t answering that will take around five seconds. Yay…

All of these feelings make me want to be a robot. Just something that doesn’t have to feel these emotions and just goes through life cold and logically. There’s supposed to be this balancing act of bad to good. Like stuff is bad but eventually it (ideally) should be balanced out. I feel alone right now but then there’s the elation of human contact and someone genuinely caring about me. Unfortunately those good moments are few at best and the space between them where misery takes root is thick and constant. There’s some part of me that knows one day I’m going to be so happy I will forget all about what being sad felt like. Full and rewarding job, get married to my soul mate, the joy of seeing my first child, growing old with someone I have a genuine connection with. Then again none of that is guaranteed.

Is it really worth suffering through all of this in the off chance that potential good could come of it? Will I find peace and happiness? Is all of my effort wasted? If I’m being honest I don’t necessarily want to feel happy or good, I just want the absence of pain or anguish. Misery doesn’t necessarily predate joy. In fact bad feelings don’t give way to good feelings. After I feel terrible I just have this numbness that eventually fades. When you’re hurt you don’t immediately feel better once the pain is gone, you’re just finding peace in the nothing. There’s solace in absence but not happiness.