Currently – 9/27/19 (Friend, Help, Fine)

Interesting day, all things considered. Woke up pretty early. Well… early for someone who has nowhere to go. I got my check for work but was taken aback by the frankly large number, nearly twice what I usually get. Turns out it was compensation for overpaying for my health insurance some time ago. Either way I have a pretty decent chunk of change in the bank. My first instinct was to buy a bunch of games that I really shouldn’t even be playing now that I need to devote more time to school but something else made me change my mind a bit.

Last post, I believe, I said that I was going to contact my friend to get some help. Credit to me for actually following through. Unfortunately she wasn’t really in the mood to deal with my problems but we did have a brief chat in which she said she was feeling a lot better. Even though she wasn’t really up to hearing me vent it was really nice to here that she’s feeling better. I think its important to realize your own limits and how far you’re willing to go as well as being honest with yourself. She can’t help me with my problems right now, and she has in the past so I know she isn’t just blowing me off, and that’s fine. I’m really happy she’s doing well.

So that sort of leads me into what I was thinking about. Previously she has mentioned that she’d like to see me some time so I was wondering about saving up some money and visiting her eventually. I don’t think right now is the best time but eventually, maybe. In the meantime I can save up the money, make travel plans and get an idea on how much it will cost to go and see her. My class will be breaking at least twice for winter and summer(?) breaks so I’ve got some time windows that it could possibly happen. Either way its just something to think about.

I’ve been trying to start fasting regularly on Fridays. I’m not sure how its going. Unfortunately I’m not really used to not eating the entire day so I usually spend most of the day not eating then later eating way too much which is definitely counter productive. I think I’ll look into some videos or articles on how to do it properly. Ideally I could make up a plan but school is sort of cutting into it. I would really like to do a full cleanse for the day and eat nothing while drinking plenty of water. I’ve actually lost some weight from being more picky with my food, and maybe fasting has helped, so I feel a lot better lately.

Currently – 9/26/19 (Honesty, Bad, Help)

I think I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come on here now I talk about how amazing my class is and, to some extent, it actually is but there’s a lot of problems I’m facing. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this class and its killing me. It hurts a lot knowing that a bunch of people in my family literally put up a lot of money for me to take this class and more often than not I either miss assignments or I fail tests. Obviously I want to do good, and I’m not failing on purpose, but I keep falling short. I got back a test today and I was one single point away from getting a passing grade.

The worst part is I’ve been convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m really hurting inside. I unknowingly pushed away the one person who was there to help me. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to her again. I really do need her support right now. Though right now I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me. Last time we spoke I was crying seeing messages she sent saying how much I hurt her. I do really want her back in my life but I’m not going to pretend that I deserve her after being so insensitive but if I don’t try to reach out then I can’t get help from her.

I really do want to like this class and stick with it but I’m so afraid. Whenever something good happens in my life I keep trying to mess it up because chaos is all I know. I feel at home in the rubble of failed ventures, broken promises and destroyed relationships. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel happy and whole. This class feels like it could be my ticket into a better life and I don’t want to screw that up. Not because someone paid a large amount of money for me to go but because of what I can achieve from this. I want, more than anything, to build something even if its just from the broken pieces that I call my life.

Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask for her forgiveness. I don’t expect her to take me back, and she deserves every right to never speak to me again. But, as much as it scares me to say this, I love her. A lot. I don’t want to lose her at all. If she decides not to reciprocate then I totally understand and I’ll move on but I can’t just leave it like this. I can’t just pretend that I don’t care about her and would do anything to make this better.