Currently – 10/24/19 (Health, Class, Bright)

As a follow up to my last post I was really stressing about this new lump that has shown up on my body. My blood pressure spiked really high just from the stress of it and it still hasn’t gone down. My diet choices and what I’ve chosen to cut out is really focused on never having to have any serious health benefits ever again in my life so it felt as though I’ve been putting in this immense amount of work and the universe basically just slapped me in the face. Especially at a time where things in my life are going extremely well. I did some research and talked to some people which hasn’t really helped my mental state but has put some new ideas into my mind. So instead of stressing about having one of the least survivable cancer conditions it could just be a small and minor thing. Tomorrow I plan to go to the doctor to get everything checked out and, hopefully, things will be alright.

So there’s class again, the thing I bring up in every one of my posts now. I have never in my entire life felt as welcome as I have here. People seem to enjoy talking to me, enjoy my company and I feel like I have some structure in my life for once. Not only that but there’s this person in my life who it really seems like they want to get closer to me and I am extremely excited to try and make this into an actual relationship. Right now I’m doing my best to ease into this but at the same time there’s this heavy desire to get to know them better and spend time with them outside the classroom setting. Unfortunately my chances of doing so are limited but I’m not going to let that stop me. Eventually we’ll have spring break so I’m shooting for maybe using that as time to get closer to them.

I think good moments are as only as good as the bad in order to use them as context. Obviously I would never promote a fetishization of suffering just in the off chance things get better. Things have been pretty bad for me lately, as you can see from a lot of the posts I make. Right now there’s still a lot of negative things going on but even more positives. I genuinely enjoy getting up in the morning now, look forward to driving on the road and even like going to class. Obviously there’s some asterisks in there but I feel really uplifted by things that I used to dread or even hate. Is this what it feels like to be happy? Is this what it feels like to have a great life? Whatever it is I really want to make sure it lasts as long as possible.

Currently – 9/9/19 (Followers!, School, Writing)

Just a quick aside before I get into all of this. I just found out that I recently got fifty followers! This is actually really cool and I’m so glad that so many like this blog enough to follow it. I never could have dreamed of getting this many people to follow me. I know that sounds like a small number but considering I’m just talking about my life on a daily basis in what is essentially an online diary that’s pretty significant in my book. I’m really grateful to all of you for sticking around.

Today was my first day of class. I was pretty nervous and second guessing myself the entire time. I kept fidgeting in my chair, fixing my clothes and when one person talked directly to me I felt kind of weirded out because I thought I was going to be looked over this entire semester. Although my hair did look pretty ridiculous so there’s one thing. I also thought I was going to be immediately dropped from the class but… so far no! The class itself is still pretty intimidating. I haven’t talked about it but I’m training to become a medical assistant and one of the things the teacher made very clear was that not only would we be using needles but to practice we would eventually be using needles… on ourselves for practice. Okay so I’m confident enough in my ability to assist in administering or even giving myself… but the thought of having others ACTUALLY sticking a needle in me is… no.

All that aside, I’m going to really try hard in this class. It really feels like my life is moving forward and I absolutely don’t want to change that at all. Well… I mean I want my life to change for the better and I meant that I don’t want to stagnate. A lot of my fears have sort of gone away for the most part (though I still do have fears) but this really feels like my life is going to change for the better. Provided that I actually put in the work and time to do so, of course. The future is looking pretty bright now.

My theory was correct when I thought that getting into this class would help me with my writing more, in some way. In class I came up with two separate ideas for books one of which is pretty original from my own personal knowledge. In the same idea I’ve decided to put the book I was working on before on hold. I’m disappointed but I think it would be better overall. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to write at all, in fact I’ve started on something else, or that I’m ditching the book and concept. I think the previous thing I was working on was taking a lot of effort and I was stuck more often than not because I had to keep researching historical events that the story was based on. This new story is a lot more from my own mind so it should be easier to write… hopefully.

Another class tomorrow so I’m going to try and get an early sleep. I’ll do my best to make this work and actually put in effort this time. I’ve been coasting through life too much and then get mad or sad when things don’t go my way. I’m going to put my best foot forward and really make the best of this situation. I’m not being too optimistic about this and thinking that its going to be easy or absolutely a sure fire thing. I will say that given the time and proper effort this could turn into something great. And maybe more great things will come out of it as a result.

Currently – 7/16/19 (Money, Realization, Writing)

You ever hear the right thing at the wrong time? Like the best advice you could get at a time when you weren’t capable of comprehending it or it came from a person you weren’t in the right place with? I have that often. I suppose its kind of a blessing. Often times I’ll just have this eureka moment where the perfect advice I needed just popped into my head that I received years ago.

Money problems are still and issue so I signed up for (another) one of those survey sites. This one seems to be a bit better. I was using Swagbucks but they keep their stuff behind a credit’s system that you have to convert into non cash items. Basically it was just inconvenient, not to mention all the surveys handed out fractions of pennies for what I wanted while also taking a long time to do. This other one seems decent but I think I have to give it a bit more time before I’m totally sold. They rack up rewards in actual money as opposed to points. Anyways, I’m getting off track.

So there was this particular survey that I took part in about health. I was doing my best just to finish it as honestly and quickly as possible but then it switched to talking about my mental health. I was really forced to honestly question myself about my own personal problems and literally quantify in precise terms how it was affecting my life. Seems dumb to say that a survey really pushed the idea further into my head but, ya, I’m in a really bad place. Of course that’s pretty obvious, I’ve talked about it before, but I guess its one of those moments where its like stacking more evidence on an idea that was already ruminating in my head.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ll do if and when I get another job. Maybe move out of where I am, of course I’ll pay off more bills, maybe I’ll try to get back into that diet I was working on. But I think the biggest thing I need to do is see a therapist. It seems like this really needs to be my first step. I know I’ve been as honest as I can be on here but there’s things that I feel like I can’t admit to anyone. Not illegal or anything but being vulnerable. Discussing my innermost thoughts.

It feels weird to say but I think one day I’m going to be happy. I’m going to look back on this and maybe have a smile. The idea that I went through all of this and came out on the other side of it a much more whole and complete person really feels like everything I want. Some day I could be stable, wake up, look in the mirror and feel alright. Seems like a far off dream but one worth working towards.

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Currently – 7/2/19 (Stressed, Money, Hope)

Today started off… not great. So I was trying to resign up with Lyft so I could make some money on the side while I wait for classes. In preparation for the test I washed and cleaned my car. Midway through the wash I was contacted by my bank to be informed that I will get back most of my money that a site took from which is great. Unfortunately it interrupted me and I was forced to spend even more money to finish the wash so… well at least I’m getting more money back.

The process didn’t go smoothly. My car’s insurance is in my parents’ names so they wouldn’t accept it because my name is not on it. I’ve emailed them (which was more difficult than you might imagine) in an attempt to get this solved. So currently I don’t have any money making opportunities. Really feels like I’m running out of options.

Compounding this is one of my other ideas has fallen through for being immensely less lucrative than I convinced myself it was. Basically I would just be making points and cashing in those points for stuff I would then turn over for some money. Not a whole lot but food money. The turn over rate for anything valuable was immensely less than I was expecting. So I feel like I shouldn’t waste my time on that anymore and try to find something else.

At the midst of all this stress my friend and I have been sending each other dumb jokes sparsely. It sounds weird but what was a day of crushing disappointment turned into a smile every time I picked up my phone and saw another message. I’m still not sure what I can do, money-wise, however right now I’m really happy that I have this person in my life who I can share dumb jokes with. Its like someone threw me a life raft and just gave me a reason to smile.

Currently – 6/27/19 (Published, Elated, Forward)

So… I guess I’m finally a published author. Well technically I’m not in the sense of my actual name. I used a pen name to protect my identity. And the process will take almost three days before the thing is posted and up for sale… But ya, I finished and am currently going through the process of publishing a paper.

This is cool. This is really cool. Sorry I don’t have much else to say other than that but I am really happy, for the first time in a while. First person I told was my friend and she was pretty happy for me. Not only that but she seemed to be really happy herself, in her life that is. We didn’t get to talk much but it was really nice to not only get to finish this but also to get someone who is genuinely happy I’ve done this.

I’ve been watching Netflix pretty much nonstop from then. I finally broke myself away from that “Just one more episode” thing to play some games. But then I had a thought pop into my brain. Why just stop here? I mean I don’t feel like I need to unwind so… why not put in some more work to write something else? I was just about to head out to get my own personal writing ritual before I decided to write this down. Just some garbage fast food that will force me to sit down and actually write for a bit instead of stopping as an excuse.

I think I’ve been stretching myself too thin. I keep trying to make like these extremely long novels. It would probably be better if I did a smaller short story just to get in the mood or make this feel a little more possible. I’ve got some ideas but I really need to hunker down and actually work on them. This could actually work.

I keep trying to tell myself this is just a stepping stone to what will be. That maybe this is just going to be a story I can hopefully tell my kids one day. But that’s in an effort to quell this idea that I can actually be successful at this. That I can legitimately make a career out of this. I mean… could I? Maybe I’ll think about that after I’ve finished my next project. Maybe I could actually put my name on this one too! Here’s hoping.

Currently – 6/22/19 (Sadness, Empathy, Wishing)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own personal mood and how it affects others. I know times aren’t really great for me but I want to both be honest and hopeful. Its difficult, to say the least. I don’t feel like it would be good to pretend like I don’t have these feelings but I also don’t want to bum people out. Feel like I’m walking on a tightrope.

No matter what I want to help people. I always feel better after helping someone. I hope this blog is helping people. I know that sounds weird but I personally view being honest and open with your feelings can, potentially, help others. Maybe it just makes you feel like you’re not alone, even if its just for a little bit.

I have a lot of things I want to do and things I’m looking forward to in the future. I have trouble expressing these kinds of things. Mostly from the stand point I’m afraid if I keep talking about what I want it might not come true. I think more than anything I just want to be happy. To know where I belong and what I’m supposed to do. Even more than that, I just want everyone else to be happy.

Currently – 6/11/19 (Elation, Momentum, Plans)

To put this entire blog post into one single sentence: Today went great. That being said I would like you to stick around and hear why! Today was the first day of my job. I was pretty scared to the point where I didn’t even have an appetite the entire day. Going into the office was really unusual. It was a lot smaller than I expected and somewhat informal. I didn’t even have to interview, just signed some papers, and within minutes I was already sent out on the job.

To put it lightly I have pretty bad anxiety. First time walking into the office and being given directions my mind went blank for a few seconds. I was partnered with this other guy and he drove us to the job site. He tried to start up a conversation with me. Usually when this happens I just give answers and don’t engage but I actually engaged! It wasn’t about much and we just talked a bit. The job itself wasn’t super straight forward at the beginning but I got the hang of it eventually.

In any case I think the worst thing was that I had to stand and do physical labor most of the day, which was to say it was a very minor bad thing. I tried to push through it but a few times I just wasn’t capable, my body ached so much. The guy I was partnered with was pretty chill about the entire situation and didn’t really chew me out, possibly knowing it would take some getting used to. The job took a fairly long time but it eventually got done and both of us got to see the fruits of our labor which was actually really nice.

Of course after all this, the very nice people and the job done fairly well, my anxiety convinced me I had screwed up. I didn’t keep the job, I was going to have to go back on the hunt. I started talking to one of my friends about my day when my boss actually called me up. The entire time I was thinking “Okay he’s going to say something went wrong or he’s going to say that I’m fired.” Turns out that, no, in fact he wanted to know how I felt about the day and whether or not I wanted to return. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.

Things feel like they’re actually moving forward right now. I’m not sure what the future holds but from here it looks pretty bright. I’ve got a decent job that pays pretty well, decent coworkers, plans for the future. Its really weird to say this but I think everything is going to work out alright. I talked about how before that things have felt so bleak and, while I know its going to get better, I just can’t imagine it. Well… it feels like things are actually getting better right now!

I’m not going to let this momentum go. I feel like I’m going to ride with it for as long as I can. Its time to learn new things, experience new things and get out of my comfort zone… just a bit. I’m not ready for absolutely everything. I wonder how long this will last. But, instead of worrying about the future, I think I’m going to go into this with cautious optimism. I know first hand that situations can turn ugly extremely fast but right now I feel like I’ve taken a first step into the rest of my life. I’m not going to run, definitely not crawl but maybe just a light stroll through this new adventure. I’ve got time to spare.