Currently – 10/28/19 (Exercise, Class, Feelings)

Last night I decided to do some exercise. It wasn’t a lot and the effort was pretty low but I think there was definitely a psychological aspect of it. I took a shower last night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Normally I’ll just look and get depressed but at the moment I kind of laughed and ‘jiggled’ my folds a bit. I’m not really fat I’ve just got some personal problem areas. Anyways it was kind of nice just to look at my not ideal body and think “Ha, that’s kind of funny.” In any case I decided to walk on the treadmill for a bit before bed. I’m not sure if it did much but I feel like it was a good activity, especially considering the stuff I usually do before bed isn’t really all that productive.

Class again today and it was pretty good. Talked to some people (I will elaborate later), did some work and generally had a very productive day. I also got back a test I took and got a pretty high score on it. I have this mentality of looking at what I’ve done, praising the effort I put in but always striving to do better and I think that’s working for me. The score was high but I definitely could have done better. Unfortunately I forgot to do some homework which I am disappointed about so it couldn’t have been all that good. That being said I did have a productive conversation with a professional and, apparently, gave them some interesting ideas and they seemed genuinely interested both in my personal opinions but also in the ideas I gave them.

And of course there was that special person. At both times this is really nice and frustrating: nice because I get to spend time with them but also frustrating because I just want to get my feelings out there to see if there’s something here. Today we had a bit more time to talk one on one as well as getting to know one another better, which is always nice. I kind of feel like they were pushing me, at least somewhat, into confessing my feelings but literally every time I’ve thought that before I have always been wrong so I will try to put forth my feelings in a more… sensible way. I had a few opportunities to introduce the idea of us spending more time together but some of those times they were forced to be with me so I felt like that would have made them extremely uncomfortable and the other time didn’t seem ideal for its own reasons that I can’t really pin down.

I think the best course of action is to just say I would like to spend more time with them and leave that extra bit up to context. Though I feel as though if I say that they may get the wrong idea and it could end up blowing up in my face. What would be nice is to give them my phone number and we could chat occasionally… though that could also end poorly. I really hate this whole song and dance. It seems so obvious to me that they like me but I know from past experiences that I can’t trust myself. But I know, more than anything, its better to put my feelings out there and know for sure. But at the same time I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable in the slightest. I really feel like going to sleep for a while right now…

Currently – 9/24/19 (School, Birthday, Confidence)

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like each day I go to this class I feel a lot more comfortable. So today was my birthday, as I’ve said previously. I was sort of the center for attention today for a bit, which was actually not as terrible as I was imagining it to be. Nothing really specific but there was a point where everyone sang to me, which was awkward but its definitely not the worst thing ever. I was definitely embarrassed but the moment passed and I’m totally fine.

A lot of people remembered it was my birthday without me even having to tell them, which was kind of a nice surprise. Like I’m basically this complete stranger and at least three or four people took precious memory in their brains to remember that its my birthday, most of which I hadn’t even mentioned it to whatsoever. I didn’t even mention it the day of. I was just in the hallway waiting for class to begin and this girl I’ve spoken to a few times remembered that it was my birthday and everyone else there that didn’t know just broke out into, seemingly, genuine joy that “Hey look, its his birthday!” At the end of class someone who I had worked with that day not only remembered my name but called me as I was leaving and wished that I would have a great day.

Of course these things don’t always stay rosy. My family… I would say invited but that would imply I had a choice. Well anyways, they… coerced me out to dinner. You ever walk into a room and immediately know you’re not going to feel great. I walk into the room and my dad is just laying on the bed with a catheter strapped to his emaciated chicken legs and within a few seconds my parents just start fighting. After we got into the car it just kept going on from there to the point where I just don’t even really want to talk about it. My first present so far was a printer so I could use it for class so that was definitely an unexpected joy. This will definitely make printing out work immensely easier for me.

I hate to leave this on a dour note so I’ll talk about something I was happy about. This class has also had a secondary effect on me, most notably that I’m a bit more confident in myself. I’m actually going out of my way to talk to people, girls even. Obviously I’m being as respectful as possible because I don’t want to be a creep or a weirdo. I’ve almost completely changed from being the guy who keeps his head down to the person who actively goes up to people and asks them things or just talks to them. Today I talked with a girl that I had never talked to before and we had a fairly pleasant conversation while working together to the point where she was the girl who wished I had a good day at the end of class. So ya, that’s something to celebrate in my book at least.

Currently – 9/19/19 (School, Home?, Anxiety)

Yet another day of school. I’m starting to warm up to this place a bit, although it would be better to say I’m warming up to my fellow classmates and the teacher to some extent. I guess I should talk about my teacher a bit, though not in length so I don’t get doxxed because I like this anonymity. Teacher is a really nice woman who seems knowledgeable with the subject she’s teaching which is always great. She’s really attentive and willing to work with us on any problems we have. Monday(?) she took a bit of a time out to help me look for a piece of non existent homework I was unaware I was supposed to finish and didn’t get mad or disappointed that I hadn’t finished it or essentially wasted her time. She genuinely makes this seven hour+ class a bit more bearable.

My thought going into this program was that I was just going to sit my head down and just be the quiet kid who just did the work and got out without talking to anyone. Thankfully I have a lot of nice people pushing me out of my comfort zone and they’re not immediately stopping me from growing. In the past I would have these occasional bursts of trying to be a more social person but always I was met with a look or something that basically said “Know your place”. Obviously that’s not really good for someone’s social growth. Long story short, high school was rough and the fact I had any friends after it ended is a miracle in and of itself.

I cut my hair yesterday in the evening to basically make sure I couldn’t back out of this. I wanted to cut my hair but I put it off for too long but now its done… and I’m actually glad about it. It doesn’t look great but I don’t look like a clown so I’m counting this as a positive. And, even better, some people noticed and actually liked it. I got there early in the morning and had a nice chat with one of the women in the class. I talked about my fears and she commented on my hair cut and just, in general, it was a nice casual way to brighten up my day. The woman I talked about before also commented on it which was nice because I have this idea in my head that I wasn’t creepy to her.

I’m starting to think she might be attracted to me but I’m honestly not sure. It seemed like she was looking for me early in the morning just to maybe use me as a guinea pig for our morning routine, which I would have liked because she was easy to work with and actually helped me through the process. She generally seems like a quiet somewhat shy person, somewhat similar to me but I’m going to go out on a limb and say she doesn’t have anywhere near my messed up brain so she could actually be… normal. Of course she is most likely just being nice to me as the two of us, along with the rest of our group, has to be together for a full school year (around nine months) and potentially be stuck together at the same work place so it would be beneficial for all of us if we were just decent with one another. I think it would be best if I just treated her as a coworker and, if anything should sprout, then so be it but definitely don’t expect anything or try to move forward with her for a variety of reasons.

Apart from that I actually got to partner up with one of the other few men in the class. This guy is the classic cool kid, stays in the back row, talks and jokes with girls constantly while slacking off. That was my impression of him at first but I kind of got him wrong. He seems to actually be trying and following stuff. He does do some other things that made me have that impression but he’s actually trying and I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I fully admit I stereotyped this guy and I’m glad that he really seems to be going for this as a serious career. Good for him.

Back at my place something annoying happened. I’m not going to get into detail but I sat down fully ready to melt away the stress of working a lot to be greeted by another, more annoying, stress. Tomorrow I have a free day so I’m hoping that I can just relax a bit… while also cleaning my entire room but also focusing on taking away my worries. Tonight I’m just going to relax but tomorrow I’m going to try and finish all of my homework for next week and study for a test coming up. Its really important to work hard and diligently but also equally important to know when its time to put down your work and take a breather, even if its just for a few minutes. Right now I’m going to try and relax while my worries pass me by.

Currently – 8/21/19 (Effort, Surprise, Tired)

I’m happy to say that I actually did some more work on the book. Granted it wasn’t a lot but any amount of work is still work. It feels like I have to force myself but when I do I feel like the words gradually come to me more naturally. I’m still not doing the amount I’d like to be doing but I’m not going to beat myself up for trying. Eventually I may get back to my old strides but only time will tell.

Today I had an… unexpected surprise that was very pleasant. I’m hesitant to say anymore out of fear I’ll somehow jinx it. It put a lot of what I was thinking about into perspective and made me realize I was wrong in some areas. As a generally pessimistic person I like being proved wrong… provided that being proved wrong is pleasant, of course. I won’t say much more because of the past experiences where I’ve been excited and shared what I was excited about only to have it blow up in my face, so I think I’ll just keep this to myself and the only indication I give others is an uncharacteristic grin.

I had a run in with my old job on two different accounts. Rather I should say I had a run in with former coworkers. I always felt it was a bit awkward to see them because I thought they all knew I was ‘coerced’ into ‘resigning’ but as the days go by it feels less and less horrible. I’ve come to accept what happened, owned up to the fact I was at fault and I’m trying to move on. For the most part its working. Though its a lot more difficult seeing as how its my family’s business and I’m always privy to the ins and outs. At the very least the constant barrage of family telling me to jump ship because the business that had been around decades before I was born was going to crumble, reminding me that this is due to my grandfather’s passing, has been lessened.

In a few weeks I’m going to start my classes. My mom keeps bringing it up asking me if I’m excited. I’ll refer you to the previous statement on why I don’t get excited for things anymore. This could be good. I keep hearing that I’m pretty much guaranteed a job offer after the class is over so that’s cool. I have my own part time job and it doesn’t seem like it would conflict with either the class or the potential job in the future. I’m just worried about getting burned out working 7 days a week. Though if the job is good I may consider getting my own place and moving out.

Currently – 8/2/19 (Effort, Writing, Future)

I got some work done. It wasn’t as much as I wanted but it was more than what I had done previously the day before so that was good. Basically my ideal day of writing is an entire chapter, which doesn’t seem sensible but I’m actually capable of doing that on a good day and if the story is flowing well. I’ve done it a fair amount and ideally I’d like to keep up with that. Unfortunately that’s not always possible.

Usually my interest in a story starts to wain in the first few chapters. That’s both for me reading/watching and writing. Basically time is short and if its not working then there’s a bevy of content out there that I can find or create. While this does work for me when I’m consuming content you can obviously see where this falters when it comes to creating. Being absolutely honest, if I could just sell my ideas I would never have to worry about money ever again. I literally come up with at least one new story a day. I’m definitely trying to get out of this mindset from a creating standpoint.

So the writing is actually going okay so far. I guess my biggest concern is that the chapters are a bit short. Usually I’ll have smaller shorter chapters at the beginning. This is both from the standpoint of keeping content concise and neat as well as compact but also I very much dislike extremely long opening chapters period. I don’t care what book it is, if your chapter is going on for a massive amount of time I’m dropping it. Biggest problem I have is I often see that its been artificially lengthened because while five or less pages gets across everything in a clean and functional matter people might feel weird that its so short. My personal basis is that its better for a beginning reader so they can get into the story more easily without being assaulted by a wall of text but also just make the chapter as long as it functionally needs to be. What do you guys think?

I’m not even remotely sure when I will be in a place to actually release the book. I’ve said before that I’m thinking about creating a separate blog and just posting it there because it doesn’t seem to fit this format. I would also see how someone could be eagerly waiting for the next chapter only to be disappointed because I’m posting this. Obviously I will link when I’m done with this so you can all read it but that’s my stance. The book itself is… somewhat short? I’m not entirely sure. Its definitely not going to have a sequel because I’m not interested in that.

Just realized that I spent multiple paragraphs talking about my book. Life is going pretty well as of late. Been doing a lot of self reflecting and I’m coming to a state where I feel… better. Not good or healthy or even just in the right place but slowly getting into a better state. Some other stuff is happening but I don’t really feel like talking about that for various reasons. I guess next month I’ll be starting classes soon but I feel like I can continue to update the blog in the same manner, although if that changes I will let you all know. So ya… not bad.

Currently – 8/1/19 (Continuation, Effort, Life)

First off I just want to say thank you. Its been two months since I’ve started this blog. I don’t have a lot but to the ones I do have I just want to offer my sincere thanks. This blog has been so helpful for me in so many ways. The idea that anyone came here to read this stuff is beyond me and the fact that I have a bunch of followers is really awesome. Its been a major boost for me and I just wanted to express my deep thanks for being with me for so long. I still want to do a lot with this blog in the coming future so stay tuned for that.

Today I tried a bit. Wrote a little bit but it wasn’t really coming to me. Instead of just giving up and I gave it a bit more effort. Did some research, rewrote stuff. Unfortunately I didn’t get much work done at all but I can at least say I gave it my best shot. I personally believe its important to accept when you can’t do something but also congratulate effort and trying. I’m guessing that I just need to get back into the swing of things by continuing to force myself to work. In any case, I’ll keep trying.

Today was somewhat pleasant, actually. There was this bit in the morning where I had to help my mom get my stubborn dad into the car which took some effort and time but that was it. For the rest of the day I felt okay and then later my mom brought some vegetable curry to me. I can’t remember the last time I had curry so that was a really nice surprise. I had plenty of free time and never really felt forced to do anything. Pretty decent, all things considered.

I’ve been thinking about exercising again. Biggest problem is I just don’t have the drive to do it, but if its like writing then my guess is if I just work at it enough and frequently I could get the desire to just do it. I’m kind of… big so its less about an overweight problem. More to do with health and just making myself look better. I kind of want to do some yoga but I can’t find any real good tutorials for beginners. That being said I can’t remember the last time I looked up any guides so maybe tomorrow I’ll look up some on YouTube. I think yoga would be best for me since I don’t really want to have immense muscles or anything like that rather just tone up some areas and be generally more healthy.

Currently – 7/30/19 (Writing, Balance, Fine)

Turns out that writing that outline was exactly what I needed. In the morning I finished a full chapter and a bit over another chapter. The words flowed much easier when I knew where I wanted to go with the story on a case by case basis. Once I’m finished with the book I’ll look into posting it online and, of course, link it so that you all can potentially share in a great story. I think I’ll do it on a weekly basis so that I can spend that week not only working on other projects but also proofreading it so that the chapter I release is as fine tuned as I can possibly make it.

Right now I’m in a pretty decent place. Of course there are things I wish I could change immediately but right now I’m kind of centered or otherwise stable. I’d definitely like to be making some money, I’d like to have someone in my life romantically and I’d like to either reconcile with someone or just have them gone from my life if they have no desire to interact with me. Apart from that it definitely could be worse. I have food, a place to stay, a few extras and I’m not hurting in any real way right now.

I’ve started pursuing someone in a romantic way, subconsciously that is. I’ve been noticing I keep hanging on the words this person says more than normal and I think of responses just so I can talk to them. Consciously I know I’m not really in a good place to be with or actually go after this person so I think I’ll try to hang back for now. If it happens then so be it but I can’t tell myself that a jobless and not so stable person is right to jump into a long term relationship. I know that’s unusual to say after I literally just said I’m in a decent place but I feel that was more for me than being in a relationship.

I think its one of those things where you’ve been down so not being down feels like being up, if that makes any sense. Like you’ve been in a bad place so a neutral place feels like a good place. Personally I’m kind of fine with that. Obviously I’d like to be a in a good place but I feel like being content is much better. I’ve often been in a stable position and tried to force myself to be in a better place only to end up falling. I like being content. It feels… good.