Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 11/1/19 (Volunteer, Work, Relationships)

Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.

Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.

So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.

Currently – 10/25/19 (Health, Stress, Calm)

Update from last few posts, I guess. Went to the doctor to check the abnormal growth and its supposedly just an infection in one of my glands. This is somewhat of a relief but I still have my reservations. For one I’ve been misdiagnosed before so there’s always that possibility, however I’d like to believe it is just in fact and infection and move on with my life. And the second was the fact the entire doctor’s visit, plus the antibiotics I’m taking, cost around $130. That’s not really a hit to me (at least in terms of what I need, in actuality it was about a third of all the money I had on me at the time) and I’m glad I went but I just wish it was… I don’t know, something. I guess I’m just annoyed I had to pay such a large price for a condition that ultimately lead to being a fairly common and easily treatable condition.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I’ll continue to thank God for this being a false cancer scare, but I still can’t feel great about all of this. Again, not from the standpoint of it being false, but just the idea that I felt so close to death. My life has been going really well recently so my thought was I’m having all of this taken away after a lifetime of pain and suffering. Like the one tinge of happiness I get will all be for nothing. That being said it has given me a new perspective. To come so close I brushed the cloak of death only to find it was essentially the blinds covering my window.

I really don’t want to let life pass me by. I have all these opportunities to become so much greater and have an amazing life. I am absolutely not going to waste it. I’m not saying that I’m going to immediately change my life starting this moment! But maybe something closer to “I should cherish what I have a bit more” or “Maybe take a few risks, seeing as how life is fairly short and you never know how long you have”. All things considered I’m pretty young and, if I have a good diet and exercise more regularly, I could extend ‘the prime of my life’ near indefinitely. I keep thinking about all the things I want: to find love and see my spouse walk down the aisle on our wedding day, maybe to play in the yard with our future kids and pets, to wake up each morning with a smile on my face as I remember how amazing my life is. Sappy or not small ideas like that really keep me going.

Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

Currently – 9/21/19 (Friend, Writing, Future)

I wasn’t expecting my friend to call me up. Pretty much out of the blue. She basically just chewed me out for being an idiot, which I deserved. Part of the way through I started crying. I wasn’t aware how badly I hurt her and it just really got to me. There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be talking to her anymore. If I made her feel this badly do I even deserve to be her friend?

Spurred on by this feeling, I guess, I felt the urge to write. I don’t know why it just felt like I needed to do something constructive. I mean there’s honestly not much you can do after you realized that you hurt someone really badly. In my case I guess I just felt like channeling those emotions elsewhere. I still feel bad but now I’ve put some words onto paper (metaphorically speaking) so now my emotions are there in an effort to move on with the day. I would like to reconcile with her but… well I guess I already explained why I’m having second thoughts about that, among other reasons I don’t feel like talking about.

And of course there’s the future. That nebulous idea that’s always just out of reach. The weird thing I just realized about the future is we can never get there. As soon as we get there then its become the present and our memory of the time is the past. I was watching a video earlier from someone I’ve subscribed to on YouTube. It was one of those nerd deep dives where “Was this secretly deeper than you thought?” from a channel called Renegade Cut. I won’t spoil it, because its actually a pretty decent video and you should watch it, but it was about that old live action He-Man movie with Dolph Lundgren. There was a lot of talk about the future that kind of spoke to me in a weird way, made me think about stuff I wasn’t really wanting to think about. I guess in the same way I’m wondering about being a writer and also about this person who’s really special to me. If I should reach for this goal or will it forever be unreachable like the future as a nebulous concept.

Currently – 9/17/19 (School, Pain, Resolve)

Pretty okay day at school but it was the first time where I was really messing up. I stayed in my car for much longer than I should have and only had seconds to rush into class in an effort to keep my my perfect attendance for as long as I possibly could. Thank goodness I actually got there just barely in time. Unfortunately the teacher explained something to the class I wasn’t privy to and I thought the reason we were stacking up one of our many books on a table was because we were about to take a test and it was a measure against cheating. We took some school pictures and, as usual, I looked goofy as all hell. I can never take a selfie or any picture of myself that I’m satisfied with and it just made me want to cut my clown hair and exercise until I pass out for everyday until I die… probably of exhaustion.

So anyways, I took the test and felt pretty confident about it. A bunch of my other classmates got up really early to turn in their work so I got a little bit nervous thinking I was lagging behind but I pushed that unnecessary thought out of my head and finished the test. We did some more vital signs today and I’m starting to get the hang of taking a pulse but I definitely had a long way to go. The unfortunate part of the day, however, was when I found out that when we turned in our books it was actually because some homework was due and I had just thought that it was the chapters that would be covered on the test. Sadly I will get a much lower score on the homework but the good news is that after I finish these… three chapters I can turn it in for some credit. Currently I’m on a slight break because I finished two of the chapters and my hand started to cramp up.

I’m getting somewhat more comfortable with this class, or I guess in myself a bit more. I keep feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Most of the students are girls so I’m constantly not trying to be creepy or weird or what I perceive others perceiving as creepy or weird. I’m less confident in myself but more mindful of other’s spaces and comfortably so that’s not really a terrible trade off. Especially when it comes to women I’d like to make them feel comfortable seeing as how we’re all here just to be trained and, hopefully, get jobs in the medical field. And considering that the majority of the class is made up of women then… ya, I can hear the constant crunch of those shells beneath me all the time.

The class is halfway done for the week so I guess I’ve got the weekend to look forward to, kind of. I think this whole picture thing has got me wanting to change my personal image again. I’m going to cut my hair and maybe do some core exercises. I remember getting out of the shower this morning and just not liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I used to be pretty thin in high school, almost anorexic if I’m being honest. It wasn’t like I was super unhealthy I think it was just a combination of barely having an appetite while also having the metabolism of a teenager. I don’t want to get back to being like that but maybe close to that but with muscles. I guess the best way to describe it is having the body of a martial artist, like Bruce Lee, where you’re somewhat thin but with defined muscles.

I rarely eat all that much anymore. I guess its because I keep skipping breakfast for one reason or another. Not really out of an effort to be thinner but just out of keeping my wallet somewhat full and I just don’t really have a desire to eat in the morning. I should really start making food more. Unfortunately I’ve been wasting a lot of money buying food out when I go on my lunch break. I took something with me once but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that again since I’ve been sick. Oh ya, I guess I’m still sick too but definitely better than before. Hopefully it breaks soon so I can enjoy not coughing and sneezing again.

I kind of want to start writing again but this workload is pretty awful. I was pretty confident earlier because I finished some homework that’s due tomorrow but now I’m not so sure. I guess I should pay more attention in class to when the teacher says work is due. Then again I don’t remember her ever saying that we had homework due yesterday so… either I do really need to pay more attention or she said nothing. In any case I do need to be more proactive when it comes to keeping up with the workload. If I stray too far behind I could end up being kicked out of the program or ineligible for certification. I have a lot of plans for the future and I’m not just going to let a very small thing end up tripping me on the way to a better life.

Currently – 9/12/19 (Weekend, Rest?, Time)

Today was the last day of my class for the week. We have four days of class then three days off. That sounds nice but the work load is pretty brutal. Next week I have something due every single day. By Monday I have to finish around twenty seven pages of work so… ya. But I’m going to try to stick with it because something good can come of this.

I’m not really sure how I’m going to balance out my time. I already know my own limits and if I don’t have some time to unwind I’m not going to be able to keep this up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to spend some time unwinding. Mostly I’m just going to do some extra hygiene stuff like a face mask not to mention sleeping in and cleaning up my room some. I’ve done some of the homework so its not like I’m doing this completely from scratch. Though I have to be careful not to get in a habit of laziness again or I’ll end up slacking off too much.

My mind does feel more active as of late. I had a real passion for the medical industry and study of medicine when I was younger so it just feels like all of this is coming back to me. I’m coming out of my shell somewhat, actually participating in class and asking questions. Right now I understand the material fairly well so my only real problem is the application when I’m finally forced to put what I’ve learned into practice. I always had a problem of falling apart under pressure so if I can’t control that then this will end up failing no matter what.

I think I just need to budget out my time sensibly. After I get back from class all I really want to do is just lay down and turn off my brain. I think its these uncomfortable chairs we’re forced to sit in. I spend most of this class fidgeting in a failed attempt to find a decent way to sit. My back, legs and arms all hurt from doing this for around seven hours a day. Not to mention having to wake up extra early so I can ensure I’m getting to the class on time.

I feel like I need to know my limits here. Can’t move forward if I’m constantly worried about being broken. That being said I will take time to rest when I can. I need to push but not at the expense of my body. I’m fairly young and there’s a bright future ahead of me that I want to experience and it would be very difficult to do so if I’m not physically able to do so. I’ve got so much I want to do.