Currently 10/12/19 (Friend, Reading, Lost)

I tried talking to a friend but she didn’t seem interested. I’m honestly not sure where to go from here. Legitimately just considering leaving and not coming back. I think the biggest problem is I’m pretty much always trying to reach out but always kept at a distance. I understand why but I’m not interested in that at all. Personally I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t know. I think I’ll ruminate on it a bit before making any decisions.

I had a weird desire to read today. Thankfully I have a lot of books and just bought some more. I wasn’t interested in anything super heavy so I just flipped through the kombucha book I bought and it had some really interesting things. I’d really like to make some myself but I’m not so sure I would be even allowed to do it where I live. Not to mention I don’t know where to get the bottles and other materials to make it in the first place. Some day, I suppose. I have the book to help me do it so that’s one step completed.

Right now I feel like I’m in a fog. Not really sure what to do. I really hate these moments because its so difficult to get out of them because I can never tell what got me into it in the first place. I guess its because I’m nearly 30 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’ve often said that when you’re 30 you’ve pretty much come into what your life is going to be like for the next few decades so if that’s true I’m going to be working minimum wage at a part time job, lonely and still feeling dissatisfied. Ya that’s not exactly a happy idea.

I really want to change my life around but it doesn’t feel like I can. Something is blocking me and, now matter how much I want to surpass it, I can’t find out what is keeping me from my true potential provided I even have any. Is the wall in my head or is it something physical? What can I expect to find over the wall, implying I can even pass it? Is it better to stay on this side than try to surmount it?

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Currently – 10/8/19 (Work, Test, Friend)

Had a pretty decent day at class today. Seems like things will be ramping up pretty soon so I’ve got to give it my best. Talked with some more classmates. Every day I’m feeling a little more and more relaxed. I even walk up to people and talk to them, which is kind of a feat for me. I really hope I can continue to be a little more sociable.

I’ve got a test I need to study for tomorrow and it seems like it might be a little hard for me. I keep getting decent scores on the tests so I don’t know. Maybe I just know some of this stuff already? In any case I really have to study for this one, and I have… a little bit anyways. I still keep doing things like watching tv shows and lazing about but I have done some studying and I’ll do some more so at least I’m not being completely terrible.

Tonight was family night and I was already going to use the test as an excuse as to why I wasn’t going. They made it sound especially annoying, asking me to drive like fifty miles just so I could be around their bickering and generally bad behavior. Of course I kept getting those backhanded questions making it sound like I was just skipping out and using this as an excuse, which I am but that doesn’t mean I like being called out for it. I wish they’d just trust me once and a while. I know that my mom is going to burst through my door unannounced and just berate me because I was taking a break from studying and then just waste my time with inane stuff.

Haven’t heard from my friend in a while but it seems like she’s not really in a good place. I’d really like to help her out but I’m not sure she even wants to speak to me. I think I’ll try calling her on Friday, if only to check in. Ultimately its up to her and I just want her to feel better. I just want to be there to support her as much as possible. I don’t think right now is the right time to go and visit her so I’ll just keep saving up money for when the day comes.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 10/6/19 (Work, Friend, Class)

Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.

Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.

Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!

Currently – 9/28/19 (Work, Class, Travel)

Still technically on my shift but the day is basically over at this point. As usual a pretty chill day at work, all things considered. I put a little more effort in today than usual but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed which sucks. Then again it did feel good to put a little bit more in so it wasn’t all bad.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my class lately. It really feels like I’ve been taking it easy and not putting in the effort I should be. At the very least I should do it so if I do get to go on my internship they don’t kick me out immediately. Someone I worked with recently gave me an idea how I can practice outside of class and it should only cost around like twenty bucks so I might go for that. At the very least if I buy this thing then I’ll stare at it and realize I should be practicing. Not sure if I can practice on myself so I should ask the teacher about it on Monday.

After that surprise windfall of money from my last paycheck I’ve been thinking more and more about going to visit my friend when I have the opportunity. I’ve been looking up the prices of hostels in her area but I think I should really be focusing on that plane ticket. I did something really dumb and confided in my mom about going. Her response was to basically accuse my friend of being a murderer or thief that is trying to lure me to her so she can harm me. That fear has always been in the back of my head because my friend just seems so unreal to me but there’s really genuine moments I can’t share that have me convinced she isn’t lying to me. Or maybe I should listen to the fear.

Either way I have to talk to her about it first. I’m not sure she’s in the right head space to see me at the moment or when she actually has free time to do so. I haven’t been out of the country in maybe over a year so this could be good. My class will break for a few times so my windows to see her within a period of time a pretty slim, not to mention how the flights will get much more expensive the closer it gets to tourist season. Right now I have enough for the flight so if I’m diligent about saving in a few more paychecks I’ll have enough to survive over there.

Right now it still seems like a dream that this could ever happen. I feel like as soon as we meet it will cement that this is something more than just talking to each other over the phone. Not saying it would escalate to dating or anything like that because I don’t think she’s interested. This could be the best decision of my life or the worst. I’m not really sure which voice to listen to right now: the optimist or the pessimist. I feel like a healthy balance would work. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have traveled to a country I’ve thought about going to for a while so it can’t all be bad.

Currently – 9/27/19 (Friend, Help, Fine)

Interesting day, all things considered. Woke up pretty early. Well… early for someone who has nowhere to go. I got my check for work but was taken aback by the frankly large number, nearly twice what I usually get. Turns out it was compensation for overpaying for my health insurance some time ago. Either way I have a pretty decent chunk of change in the bank. My first instinct was to buy a bunch of games that I really shouldn’t even be playing now that I need to devote more time to school but something else made me change my mind a bit.

Last post, I believe, I said that I was going to contact my friend to get some help. Credit to me for actually following through. Unfortunately she wasn’t really in the mood to deal with my problems but we did have a brief chat in which she said she was feeling a lot better. Even though she wasn’t really up to hearing me vent it was really nice to here that she’s feeling better. I think its important to realize your own limits and how far you’re willing to go as well as being honest with yourself. She can’t help me with my problems right now, and she has in the past so I know she isn’t just blowing me off, and that’s fine. I’m really happy she’s doing well.

So that sort of leads me into what I was thinking about. Previously she has mentioned that she’d like to see me some time so I was wondering about saving up some money and visiting her eventually. I don’t think right now is the best time but eventually, maybe. In the meantime I can save up the money, make travel plans and get an idea on how much it will cost to go and see her. My class will be breaking at least twice for winter and summer(?) breaks so I’ve got some time windows that it could possibly happen. Either way its just something to think about.

I’ve been trying to start fasting regularly on Fridays. I’m not sure how its going. Unfortunately I’m not really used to not eating the entire day so I usually spend most of the day not eating then later eating way too much which is definitely counter productive. I think I’ll look into some videos or articles on how to do it properly. Ideally I could make up a plan but school is sort of cutting into it. I would really like to do a full cleanse for the day and eat nothing while drinking plenty of water. I’ve actually lost some weight from being more picky with my food, and maybe fasting has helped, so I feel a lot better lately.

Currently – 9/26/19 (Honesty, Bad, Help)

I think I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come on here now I talk about how amazing my class is and, to some extent, it actually is but there’s a lot of problems I’m facing. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this class and its killing me. It hurts a lot knowing that a bunch of people in my family literally put up a lot of money for me to take this class and more often than not I either miss assignments or I fail tests. Obviously I want to do good, and I’m not failing on purpose, but I keep falling short. I got back a test today and I was one single point away from getting a passing grade.

The worst part is I’ve been convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m really hurting inside. I unknowingly pushed away the one person who was there to help me. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to her again. I really do need her support right now. Though right now I’m not sure she even wants to talk to me. Last time we spoke I was crying seeing messages she sent saying how much I hurt her. I do really want her back in my life but I’m not going to pretend that I deserve her after being so insensitive but if I don’t try to reach out then I can’t get help from her.

I really do want to like this class and stick with it but I’m so afraid. Whenever something good happens in my life I keep trying to mess it up because chaos is all I know. I feel at home in the rubble of failed ventures, broken promises and destroyed relationships. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel happy and whole. This class feels like it could be my ticket into a better life and I don’t want to screw that up. Not because someone paid a large amount of money for me to go but because of what I can achieve from this. I want, more than anything, to build something even if its just from the broken pieces that I call my life.

Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask for her forgiveness. I don’t expect her to take me back, and she deserves every right to never speak to me again. But, as much as it scares me to say this, I love her. A lot. I don’t want to lose her at all. If she decides not to reciprocate then I totally understand and I’ll move on but I can’t just leave it like this. I can’t just pretend that I don’t care about her and would do anything to make this better.