Currently 12/23/19 – Life, Love, Money

Hey there. Its been a while. Just had the desire to pop in for some reason.

Life has been interesting, to say the least. I suppose not really all that much has changed. I guess I went to a party to see an old friend of mine. Seemed really good but she’s been ignoring a text from me so I’m debating if I might have screwed up somewhere somehow. Though it doesn’t help to dwell on things for so long so I’m trying to move past.

School is pretty much the same as ever but a bit better, I guess. Started getting over this whole being ignored by a person I liked thing a little bit each day. We had a party a few days ago and I decided to make something. I’m never sure if my food is good so my anxiety travels pretty easily over to that. But, to my surprise, I got raving reviews from everyone. The one thing that was weird was this one girl in the class told me that now I could get married because I’m a good cook. Of course I blushed, taking the compliment but also not really sure what she meant by it. Then she said it a few more times so now my mind is racing thinking that she might like me.

I think I’ve had my fill of trying to date people in this class so I’m guessing this just won’t end well. Of course there’s also the idea that I’m currently still jobless so I’m not sure how great of a boyfriend I can be to someone at the moment. I’d like to be with someone but I’m definitely not going to force someone to be with me while I’m unbalanced in any area of my life. Apart from that I never really thought of this girl as someone I’d like to be with but now I’m just thinking about what she could possibly see in me that she’d like. Of course this is all saying that she feels anything for me whatsoever so I think its best that I just go about this as neutral as possible. If she is interested then we could have a conversation about it and if not I won’t have put myself out there again and make yet another girl feel weird around me.

Traveled out to my mom’s place to spend the holidays with my family. Still jobless so I couldn’t buy any presents, unfortunately. I really hate buying presents but I hate it even more when I don’t have anything to give to anyone. I know we’ve been through some stuff and aren’t really totally good with each other but I’d still like to show appreciation for what they have done for me. Right now it just feels kind of weird not having my dad around. This will be the first Christmas without him and I feel like that’s just kind of sinking in.

I guess I’ve been spending my time thinking about love and myself. About the kind of person I am and if I’m ever going to find that special someone. I always wonder what that life would look like. Feels like a dream to me that I could ever feel like I’m fully whole. I keep thinking I need to look inward at myself to find completion but it just feels like I’m missing a vital piece to my life. I just want to be close to someone in such a way that we fill the void in each other, or what have you.

Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently 10/12/19 (Friend, Reading, Lost)

I tried talking to a friend but she didn’t seem interested. I’m honestly not sure where to go from here. Legitimately just considering leaving and not coming back. I think the biggest problem is I’m pretty much always trying to reach out but always kept at a distance. I understand why but I’m not interested in that at all. Personally I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t know. I think I’ll ruminate on it a bit before making any decisions.

I had a weird desire to read today. Thankfully I have a lot of books and just bought some more. I wasn’t interested in anything super heavy so I just flipped through the kombucha book I bought and it had some really interesting things. I’d really like to make some myself but I’m not so sure I would be even allowed to do it where I live. Not to mention I don’t know where to get the bottles and other materials to make it in the first place. Some day, I suppose. I have the book to help me do it so that’s one step completed.

Right now I feel like I’m in a fog. Not really sure what to do. I really hate these moments because its so difficult to get out of them because I can never tell what got me into it in the first place. I guess its because I’m nearly 30 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’ve often said that when you’re 30 you’ve pretty much come into what your life is going to be like for the next few decades so if that’s true I’m going to be working minimum wage at a part time job, lonely and still feeling dissatisfied. Ya that’s not exactly a happy idea.

I really want to change my life around but it doesn’t feel like I can. Something is blocking me and, now matter how much I want to surpass it, I can’t find out what is keeping me from my true potential provided I even have any. Is the wall in my head or is it something physical? What can I expect to find over the wall, implying I can even pass it? Is it better to stay on this side than try to surmount it?

Currently – 10/8/19 (Work, Test, Friend)

Had a pretty decent day at class today. Seems like things will be ramping up pretty soon so I’ve got to give it my best. Talked with some more classmates. Every day I’m feeling a little more and more relaxed. I even walk up to people and talk to them, which is kind of a feat for me. I really hope I can continue to be a little more sociable.

I’ve got a test I need to study for tomorrow and it seems like it might be a little hard for me. I keep getting decent scores on the tests so I don’t know. Maybe I just know some of this stuff already? In any case I really have to study for this one, and I have… a little bit anyways. I still keep doing things like watching tv shows and lazing about but I have done some studying and I’ll do some more so at least I’m not being completely terrible.

Tonight was family night and I was already going to use the test as an excuse as to why I wasn’t going. They made it sound especially annoying, asking me to drive like fifty miles just so I could be around their bickering and generally bad behavior. Of course I kept getting those backhanded questions making it sound like I was just skipping out and using this as an excuse, which I am but that doesn’t mean I like being called out for it. I wish they’d just trust me once and a while. I know that my mom is going to burst through my door unannounced and just berate me because I was taking a break from studying and then just waste my time with inane stuff.

Haven’t heard from my friend in a while but it seems like she’s not really in a good place. I’d really like to help her out but I’m not sure she even wants to speak to me. I think I’ll try calling her on Friday, if only to check in. Ultimately its up to her and I just want her to feel better. I just want to be there to support her as much as possible. I don’t think right now is the right time to go and visit her so I’ll just keep saving up money for when the day comes.

Currently – 10/7/19 (Work, Class, Wanderlust)

Every time I go back to class it seems I’m always missing some bit of work and its really frustrating. I get in and realize that there was one or two things I just straight up didn’t do. I can’t help but feel I’m letting down a lot of people like my family, my teacher but most of all myself. Today I missed two assignments and its completely my fault. I had, at least, three days to finish this stuff and the only excuse I have is “I forgot”. I’m honestly really fed up with this so I’ve spent a fair amount of the day trying to make up for the lost work but also trying to get ahead so this never happens again. I’ve also put up some sticky notes around my room so I don’t forget either. Hopefully this will be the start of a change.

I feel like I’m more familiar with my classmates than the class, unfortunately. Given the opportunity I would rather succeed in the class than be friendly with my peers. Not to say I want them to hate me but… you know. I was eating lunch with some of them and one started insulting the teacher for seemingly no reason. I felt really awkward about the whole thing, mostly because the teacher is actually really nice and helpful but also because it was really surface level stuff like her appearance. I tried to divert the conversation but it didn’t really work out all that well. I guess there was a partial idea that I just didn’t like the person who started the insulting to begin with, though for surface level reasons as well. I’m not entirely sure I don’t want to just ignore this person all together from now on.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I came into some money recently, nearly enough to fund a trip to another country. Specifically the country where my friend is. I haven’t had the opportunity to ask her if she would even want me around her or if she has the time so I’m kind of just sitting on this money. There’s a lot more I need to plan like where I’m going to stay, needing extra money for basic living expenses and I need to find out when I have time to actually go on the trip so I’m not going to just leave immediately. Though I feel like moss is growing on me right now and I just need to get up and go.

In any case any break I have isn’t going to be for a few months and, I believe, the tickets are only going to get cheaper since its in the off season. There’s plenty of time. What I’m most worried about is I accidentally let it slip to my mom I wanted to go and all she can do is try and poison this situation, my mind and how I view my friend. She keeps talking about how she’s probably a criminal looking to bring me over to her country so she can rob/kill me. I haven’t talked about this but I was abused when I was a kid and it took me a long time to even remotely trust anyone again. And now it just feels like I can’t trust this person, despite the fact they’ve done absolutely nothing but try to be a decent person. In my heart I know she’s a good person but the broken part of me just wants to hide away so I can never be hurt again.

Currently – 10/6/19 (Work, Friend, Class)

Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.

Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.

Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!

Currently – 9/28/19 (Work, Class, Travel)

Still technically on my shift but the day is basically over at this point. As usual a pretty chill day at work, all things considered. I put a little more effort in today than usual but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed which sucks. Then again it did feel good to put a little bit more in so it wasn’t all bad.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my class lately. It really feels like I’ve been taking it easy and not putting in the effort I should be. At the very least I should do it so if I do get to go on my internship they don’t kick me out immediately. Someone I worked with recently gave me an idea how I can practice outside of class and it should only cost around like twenty bucks so I might go for that. At the very least if I buy this thing then I’ll stare at it and realize I should be practicing. Not sure if I can practice on myself so I should ask the teacher about it on Monday.

After that surprise windfall of money from my last paycheck I’ve been thinking more and more about going to visit my friend when I have the opportunity. I’ve been looking up the prices of hostels in her area but I think I should really be focusing on that plane ticket. I did something really dumb and confided in my mom about going. Her response was to basically accuse my friend of being a murderer or thief that is trying to lure me to her so she can harm me. That fear has always been in the back of my head because my friend just seems so unreal to me but there’s really genuine moments I can’t share that have me convinced she isn’t lying to me. Or maybe I should listen to the fear.

Either way I have to talk to her about it first. I’m not sure she’s in the right head space to see me at the moment or when she actually has free time to do so. I haven’t been out of the country in maybe over a year so this could be good. My class will break for a few times so my windows to see her within a period of time a pretty slim, not to mention how the flights will get much more expensive the closer it gets to tourist season. Right now I have enough for the flight so if I’m diligent about saving in a few more paychecks I’ll have enough to survive over there.

Right now it still seems like a dream that this could ever happen. I feel like as soon as we meet it will cement that this is something more than just talking to each other over the phone. Not saying it would escalate to dating or anything like that because I don’t think she’s interested. This could be the best decision of my life or the worst. I’m not really sure which voice to listen to right now: the optimist or the pessimist. I feel like a healthy balance would work. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have traveled to a country I’ve thought about going to for a while so it can’t all be bad.