Usually on Fridays I get all of the stuff I can’t get done on the other days of the week. Did some laundry, although I forgot to do my sheets which is kind of gross now that I think about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to be vegan, mostly for environmental reasons, and I decided to buy a bunch of stuff. I was really just going to go in and get some tofu so I could learn how to properly season it and such but I swear I can’t find it whatsoever. I did get some other stuff which was neat. I got an egg substitute I’ve been hearing about for the longest time, which was a really interesting experience albeit far too expensive for me to want to buy it again, and some veggie sausages plus these two massive bags of kale and spinach.
I ordered a thing from Amazon and it still hasn’t come in yet which is extremely infuriating. I kept getting alerts that it was coming but the tracker kept showing the delivery truck was driving everywhere but my place. They were even just a street over, apparently. I have to work tomorrow and I’m not sure how I can pick it up now. I’m kind of angry at this whole situation because its something for my class. I’m kind of worried that this person will just decide to leave my package out on the street and its going to get stolen, not even mentioning how I paid extra to get it shipped faster so I’ll probably have to go through the whole situation of trying to get that money back because it doesn’t seem like the package is coming tonight.
I’m feeling a lot better, in general, right now. My mind is always so busy that I keep messing around with all these things in my head. For me peace is absence or silence. I feel better when my mind is quiet, even for a moment. I decided to move away from some of the things that were making me feel a bit bad so that’s definitely helped. Wondering if I can keep this going for a bit longer. This feels really nice. I know that sounds weird to say after the whole package thing but that’s really minor, honestly.
Interesting day, all things considered. Woke up pretty early. Well… early for someone who has nowhere to go. I got my check for work but was taken aback by the frankly large number, nearly twice what I usually get. Turns out it was compensation for overpaying for my health insurance some time ago. Either way I have a pretty decent chunk of change in the bank. My first instinct was to buy a bunch of games that I really shouldn’t even be playing now that I need to devote more time to school but something else made me change my mind a bit.
Last post, I believe, I said that I was going to contact my friend to get some help. Credit to me for actually following through. Unfortunately she wasn’t really in the mood to deal with my problems but we did have a brief chat in which she said she was feeling a lot better. Even though she wasn’t really up to hearing me vent it was really nice to here that she’s feeling better. I think its important to realize your own limits and how far you’re willing to go as well as being honest with yourself. She can’t help me with my problems right now, and she has in the past so I know she isn’t just blowing me off, and that’s fine. I’m really happy she’s doing well.
So that sort of leads me into what I was thinking about. Previously she has mentioned that she’d like to see me some time so I was wondering about saving up some money and visiting her eventually. I don’t think right now is the best time but eventually, maybe. In the meantime I can save up the money, make travel plans and get an idea on how much it will cost to go and see her. My class will be breaking at least twice for winter and summer(?) breaks so I’ve got some time windows that it could possibly happen. Either way its just something to think about.
I’ve been trying to start fasting regularly on Fridays. I’m not sure how its going. Unfortunately I’m not really used to not eating the entire day so I usually spend most of the day not eating then later eating way too much which is definitely counter productive. I think I’ll look into some videos or articles on how to do it properly. Ideally I could make up a plan but school is sort of cutting into it. I would really like to do a full cleanse for the day and eat nothing while drinking plenty of water. I’ve actually lost some weight from being more picky with my food, and maybe fasting has helped, so I feel a lot better lately.
I think I have a problem. My writing has taken a deep curve downwards and it doesn’t seem like its getting back up. I have a few ideas but right now I just need to voice that things are bad. My original idea that it would be in a somewhat completed state by the end of the month and, subsequently, before my classes started. It doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. At best I am halfway done with the book and after that I have to edit it to make sure there aren’t any errors as well as in a state that I am comfortable sharing. The book is still something I want to work on and finish but the timeline I created has changed.
My depressive state hasn’t changed much which is disappointing to say the least. I think that’s the major factor in me not being able to write which is annoying for a multitude of reasons. Despite what other media has romanticized, no, depression and bad experiences does not make you a good writer. The best way to describe depression is like a weight that is resting on you. The longer you allow it to stay there the harder it is to get off and it also hinders your ability to do pretty much anything… like getting those weights off. Right now I just feel lonely, which you’d think would be easy to get rid of but it isn’t. That being said I know why I feel like this so its not so bad because at least I know the reason.
Spent most of the day just trying to take my mind off it. I sat in front of a screen and just was sad, as weird as that sounds. Something that did help me was I remembered that Netflix updated a show I really like with another season: The Good Place. It helped a bit, at least from the standpoint I could actually laugh so that was nice. Right now I feel like I’m in a somewhat neutral state… but closer to sad so maybe not so neutral. But I do feel better so that’s nice.
I did go out today for some small things. Got something I’ve wanted to get for a while and a yoga mat. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try out some more yoga? Probably not but I can always hope. I just want to do something productive so I can not feel like a lazy sack of fat. I think I should try and force myself to write a bit more regardless if I want to. Maybe just change up my routine a bit and that will shake something up.
Turns out that writing that outline was exactly what I needed. In the morning I finished a full chapter and a bit over another chapter. The words flowed much easier when I knew where I wanted to go with the story on a case by case basis. Once I’m finished with the book I’ll look into posting it online and, of course, link it so that you all can potentially share in a great story. I think I’ll do it on a weekly basis so that I can spend that week not only working on other projects but also proofreading it so that the chapter I release is as fine tuned as I can possibly make it.
Right now I’m in a pretty decent place. Of course there are things I wish I could change immediately but right now I’m kind of centered or otherwise stable. I’d definitely like to be making some money, I’d like to have someone in my life romantically and I’d like to either reconcile with someone or just have them gone from my life if they have no desire to interact with me. Apart from that it definitely could be worse. I have food, a place to stay, a few extras and I’m not hurting in any real way right now.
I’ve started pursuing someone in a romantic way, subconsciously that is. I’ve been noticing I keep hanging on the words this person says more than normal and I think of responses just so I can talk to them. Consciously I know I’m not really in a good place to be with or actually go after this person so I think I’ll try to hang back for now. If it happens then so be it but I can’t tell myself that a jobless and not so stable person is right to jump into a long term relationship. I know that’s unusual to say after I literally just said I’m in a decent place but I feel that was more for me than being in a relationship.
I think its one of those things where you’ve been down so not being down feels like being up, if that makes any sense. Like you’ve been in a bad place so a neutral place feels like a good place. Personally I’m kind of fine with that. Obviously I’d like to be a in a good place but I feel like being content is much better. I’ve often been in a stable position and tried to force myself to be in a better place only to end up falling. I like being content. It feels… good.
As a general rule of thumb I try to not to fully understand how I feel after something happens in my life I consider significant, at least to myself. I try to give myself time to process what happened, both mentally and emotionally. Today I’m still fine. Nothing really has changed. Though my own personal motivations have shifted I’m not a wreck. I accept what has happened and I’m interested in moving forward.
Unfortunately I’ve been lazy today. No work done whatsoever. I attribute this mostly due to my main motivations for getting work and money now being gone. Of course I still want and need a job, that hasn’t changed, but I no longer feel necessary to push myself so hard to find a job for some perceived plans. My mental state is drastically better as well, though I’m still annoyed by the fact that lying down to sleep is now just a constant cacophony of my brain replaying things I could have done or said to avert or progress what happened.
Ultimately I’m glad this happened. The relationship was not healthy or balanced and now that its done I feel immensely better. I guess the best way to describe it is that if you’ve lived with a certain pain for so long you can’t remember not feeling it and its just become part of your life. Eventually you’re convinced or forced to get treatment and now that its over you feel unusual like its a foreign feeling despite the fact this is how you were before. I’m going to try to be more productive tomorrow and actually get some kind of work done. My room needs cleaning so I think I’ll focus on that for now.
I guess its official. I am no longer friends with this person. And… I’m fine with it? It seems weird to say that when just yesterday I was feeling really horrible, both mentally and physically, and now that I’ve sent my final “This is over” message I’m actually okay. There’s a lot of things I can attribute to this but I want to say that I’ve grown as a person whether that’s true or not.
Looking back on it I really see that I was the person who was doing the majority of the leg work. I put in the time and effort to make sure this was working and they often ignored me, to which I made excuses for them on their behalf. I shouldn’t be holding this person up on a pedestal. This stuff has happened before so I’m used to it. However I think right now I’m just accepting it and moving on.
I’m not sure what to do now. I had a bunch of plans that, disappointingly, revolved around this person. Now? Don’t know. Still trying to find a job and all that but now I’m really not sure what my future is going to hold. But, if I’m being honest, I think its good. I wouldn’t have been happy having this person in my life and now I have more free time to devote to myself or whomever I choose. I think right now I’m going to reflect on this, try to understand how I came to this point and what I can do better in the future. I’m definitely not completely blameless and the major reason it came to this was because of me so I want to use this to become a better person.