Currently – 11/14/19 (Overreacting, Meditation, Calm)

So ya… last post. I mean I’m still not happy about the day and I stand by the stuff I wrote but that’s kind of how my depression works. I’m in the lowest of the low when I’m there. If I’m being honest I think I might be bipolar but I don’t like to self diagnose. But when you’re down the only place you can go is up.

Today was a more intense session of class. We’re actually practicing invasive procedures on each other now. Right now we’re working on drawing blood in a fairly small way but still its drawing blood. I have a history of self harm so the idea of seeing my own blood again really brought back some painful memories and feelings. It was near debilitating to the point where my chest was in some serious pain and it was really difficult to breathe. I’ve been practicing meditation over the years and it really has helped immensely. Normally I would just self harm to get a slight bit of relief but that was always temporary and left me in worse shape than before, plus I sometimes did it in class or around others so people would see me bleeding pretty profusely but also being really calm about the situation. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve lost because of this behavior and how I reacted to it.

In any case, I remembered my exercises and it helped immensely. Of course there’s always the idea of the anticipation to pain rather than the pain itself that’s the worst. Your body expects it to be awful so it basically just matches all of your own perceived feelings to create sensations that will correlate to how you think the pain will feel but amplified. Essentially it would be like if you were driving and your car expected to get hit and completely trashed itself. Awareness of these feelings and the control of them can absolutely make a tense or bad situation a lot less terrible. Of course it doesn’t always work but its better to believe the pain will be a lot less than it actually will be as opposed to believing it will be a lot worse.

I guess the whole idea behind this is being aware of yourself and how to control those emotions and feelings. Once you do everything just seems a little bit better. Personally I feel as though I can take on a lot more challenges. Even thought things don’t always go as well as I might hope I’d rather have my hopes dashed than be a pessimist. I’ve also been trying to exercise a bit more frequently, as I’ve heard it helps with depression or depressive episodes. That being said you can do everything right and still end up a hot mess.

In the end things actually started to work out better. Once I got out of my own head and accepted some things I ultimately started to feel a lot better and it had a positive effect on the outside world for me as well. Instead of wallowing in my suffering the whole day I tried to get out there and, at least it seems like, that really worked out for me. Yesterday, and this morning, it felt impossible for me to laugh or have fun. But once I realized I was in that mood I pushed myself out a little bit and… well I’m feeling a lot better. I know I keep saying that but its true and I’m really a lot better. Thanks for reading this, if you are.

Currently – 11/7/19 (Feelings, Opportunities, Restless)

I decided to shake things a bit up today by getting closer to the girl I like and some of it was pretty overt. Good news is she didn’t pull away but she did comment on it as an after thought. Again, my first an primary goal is to not make her or anyone else feel uncomfortable so if she says no then I stop. In any case, it feels like we’ve gotten a bit closer but unfortunately there’s still a gap I feel needs to be crossed. I was planning on hanging out with her this weekend but she’s going to be busy so I can’t really help it.

Later I started metaphorically beating myself up because I thought about pulling her aside and giving her my number to call me over the weekend. We’re also working on a project so I could have used that as an excuse. However the more thought I gave it I decided she wasn’t really in the right mood and the situation wasn’t really ideal. Either way I feel like I should bring it up the next time we meet and maybe introduce the idea of talking outside of class.

I’m fine with taking a relationship slow if its good so this isn’t really a problem for me. What I ultimately want is to just be close to someone. Sometimes I feel as though every one else gets to have that stuff and I keep getting left behind. Well right now I found someone who seems interested in me and I absolutely can’t let this pass me by without trying. I’ve learned the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” definitely applies to me. The more I put myself out there the better I feel, the more experiences I attempt to gain the more complete and whole I feel. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually, legitimately, in the right place in my life to start a healthy and meaningful serious relationship and not doing this just because I’m lonely. I want to share my life and love and everything else with this person and, for once in my life, I feel like those feelings could be reciprocated.

Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 11/5/19 (Class, Relationship, Unsure)

Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.

And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.

The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.

Currently – 11/4/19 (Class, Opportunity, Compromise)

My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.

Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.

Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.

I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.

Currently – 11/3/19 (Work, Betterment, Feelings)

Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.

Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.

Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.

Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.

Currently – 10/30/19 (Class, Relationships, Effort)

Today was a little unusual but nothing that really needs mentioning in specific details. What I was proud of was how easily I was able to handle it, I suppose. I kind of just rolled with the punches, metaphorically speaking, and came out on the other end pretty okay. I guess putting myself out there is really helpful, both for my life in general but also growing as a person. Doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, even if just for a moment, has really made my life a lot better. I’ll definitely try to do more of it though in a sensible and grounded way over a period of time. I’m not going to do anything crazy like going bungee jumping any time soon… or ever if I’m being honest.

As you can probably tell I don’t really have a great track record with relationships. In a general sense but more so in my ability to accurately understand how people feel about me and how to properly process this. Lately I’ve been noticing that people kind of keep glancing towards me or trying to get closer. My first instinct is to just dismiss this as a one time thing or just something I noticed but often times I’ll be reminded of this and I can’t help but try to figure out what they’re feeling. I guess its because I haven’t had any friends for a long time, though that’s not to say I’ve never had any just the ones I’ve had have been there for literally over a decade so I’ve come to be familiar with all of their actions and etc to the point where I can easily just read what’s going on with them. So I keep getting looks from, specifically women, in my class on occasion which I think I’m going to just assume it was an occasional thing that doesn’t really merit putting much thought into.

Unfortunately today was not the day that I was able to ‘confess’ to this person my feelings, for better or worse. Kind of goes hand in hand with the unusual day and I’m going to take this as a sign the universe has told me that I should probably not confess my feelings any time soon… I think. Okay ya this is pretty frustrating just trying to both be honest but also find the exact right time for everything to actually work and not leave me a sobbing mess over ruining another good thing. So… I have no idea what to do as usual.

I think the problem is I’m trying to read this person’s actions as being a way to essentially clue me into the idea they’re into me but those cues aren’t universal (as I’ve figured out over a near lifetime of trying to apply them to every day life). I guess its like that devil/angel on the shoulder but in my case its two dueling ideas both screaming opposing things in each ear. I really really really want to get to know this person better and form a relationship with them but I’m also afraid of what may happen should I fail. Though I guess it could tie into my beginning statement about how getting out of my comfort zone actually is good. However that kind of only works when I’m doing it to myself and doing it to another person may not be what they want at all.

I have time to sort this out but definitely not an infinite amount of time. All of these great qualities I see in this person are qualities others see in them and most of those people may also see them as desirable. I’m not going to treat this person like a prize or an object, they absolutely do not deserve that. They are a person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I understand this and accept it. Unfortunately it feels like I’m at an impasse. I can go no further with my current abilities. What is in front of me must be surmounted or abandoned.