Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 9/9/19 (Followers!, School, Writing)

Just a quick aside before I get into all of this. I just found out that I recently got fifty followers! This is actually really cool and I’m so glad that so many like this blog enough to follow it. I never could have dreamed of getting this many people to follow me. I know that sounds like a small number but considering I’m just talking about my life on a daily basis in what is essentially an online diary that’s pretty significant in my book. I’m really grateful to all of you for sticking around.

Today was my first day of class. I was pretty nervous and second guessing myself the entire time. I kept fidgeting in my chair, fixing my clothes and when one person talked directly to me I felt kind of weirded out because I thought I was going to be looked over this entire semester. Although my hair did look pretty ridiculous so there’s one thing. I also thought I was going to be immediately dropped from the class but… so far no! The class itself is still pretty intimidating. I haven’t talked about it but I’m training to become a medical assistant and one of the things the teacher made very clear was that not only would we be using needles but to practice we would eventually be using needles… on ourselves for practice. Okay so I’m confident enough in my ability to assist in administering or even giving myself… but the thought of having others ACTUALLY sticking a needle in me is… no.

All that aside, I’m going to really try hard in this class. It really feels like my life is moving forward and I absolutely don’t want to change that at all. Well… I mean I want my life to change for the better and I meant that I don’t want to stagnate. A lot of my fears have sort of gone away for the most part (though I still do have fears) but this really feels like my life is going to change for the better. Provided that I actually put in the work and time to do so, of course. The future is looking pretty bright now.

My theory was correct when I thought that getting into this class would help me with my writing more, in some way. In class I came up with two separate ideas for books one of which is pretty original from my own personal knowledge. In the same idea I’ve decided to put the book I was working on before on hold. I’m disappointed but I think it would be better overall. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to write at all, in fact I’ve started on something else, or that I’m ditching the book and concept. I think the previous thing I was working on was taking a lot of effort and I was stuck more often than not because I had to keep researching historical events that the story was based on. This new story is a lot more from my own mind so it should be easier to write… hopefully.

Another class tomorrow so I’m going to try and get an early sleep. I’ll do my best to make this work and actually put in effort this time. I’ve been coasting through life too much and then get mad or sad when things don’t go my way. I’m going to put my best foot forward and really make the best of this situation. I’m not being too optimistic about this and thinking that its going to be easy or absolutely a sure fire thing. I will say that given the time and proper effort this could turn into something great. And maybe more great things will come out of it as a result.

Currently – 7/26/19 (Working, Writing, Scared)

I hesitate to say this but I think my book is going pretty well. I’m putting in a fair amount of effort, I’m forcing myself to write an acceptable amount every so often. The only reason I hesitate is because whenever something good is going on in my life or I’ve found something good it ends up turning out poorly. I meet someone great and gush about them then eventually that turns badly. I gush about a new job and I get fired. This keeps happening and I’m not sure how to stop it.

I really just want to have something good happen in my life and that’s it. No blow ups, no mishaps. Just something good. It feels like I can’t celebrate anything because eventually its going to turn. I really wish I knew why this was happening or, even better, how to stop it. This really can’t go on forever. At least I hope so.

Anyways, currently still writing. Putting in some effort, though not as much as I would like. Even so, effort is effort. Spent most of my day playing video games, again. At least I don’t feel so guilty now that I put work in before hand so there’s at least that. I have my vacation pay and I’ve been informed that this could be all that I’ll get. I can pay off my car bill a few times so I’m fine for the moment. Plus I have this temporary job on the weekends which gives me the perfect excuse not to travel to my parents’ place on the weekends which I’m also thankful for. All in all, not a bad day.

Currently – 6/25/19 (Writing, Country, Disillusionment)

Today I finally had the courage to put more work into my paper. I was debating on doing it because I was feeling lazy and didn’t think I wanted to do it any more. However there were some stories that I saw that convinced me otherwise. I just want to say this as bluntly as possible: America is not a good place to be right now. The political climate is terrible and the way our representatives are treating foreigners/minorities is extremely terrible. If you have plans to visit here I suggest you wait.

Its very difficult to comprehend how unusual or messed up your country really is until you see it from an outside perspective. About two years ago I was given the opportunity to go to Iceland. Its an extremely beautiful place, many of the people are friendly and its weirdly both alien and similar. Every single person I met, even two children who weren’t in double digit ages, spoke English and their native tongue perfectly. Customs were incredibly streamlined to get through even though we were coming in during the tourist season. I think it took a total of maybe twenty minutes to get off the plane and actually set foot outside into Iceland.

Maybe one day I’ll speak more on the trip, if you want me to. To put it simply I’ve never felt more like myself than when I was in a foreign land. But that isn’t the point I’m trying to make. Getting back into America was a laborious and disheartening task for someone who was born, lived and never once before this time went outside of the country. Lines were crowded and congested. There were at least around a hundred people cramped and locked into lines to get out of one of the largest airports in the entire country. It honestly took around an hour just to be back home.

Of course this is a small portion of the larger problem. Right now there are many people being held in concentration camps, children no less. The conditions are so bad that they aren’t even being given proper living conditions to such an extent that children are in serious harm and some have even died. This is absolutely monstrous and absolutely unnecessary. I must point out that you personally are unlikely to be placed in one of these concentration camps but it is a very telling sign that things most likely will get worse if nothing is done.

My paper is focusing on one aspect that is plaguing my country’s politics. I have been emboldened to, at the very least, attempt to finish and publish my work. If all goes well it will happen by the end of the week. This is no longer about me and my fears but something I feel I need to do to shed light on a group of individuals in my country who seem to be at the seat of all its woes. Not getting too heavy into my personal situation but if anyone were to connect what I am about to write and publish back to me there is a very strong possibility I could be killed by some extremist groups. However I would rather die telling the truth than prosper under a system that actively discriminates and harms innocent people.

Currently – 6/24/19 (Procrastination, Fear, Paths)

Not proud to say that I spent the entire day not focusing on bettering myself. I mean I got out of bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth which unfortunately is an uncommon thing for me. Ya its gross but I often just don’t have the energy or will to keep my body in normal functioning order and, that being said, it is something I recognize is a problem and I’m trying to fix. In this case it would be in terms of my, potentially, money making hobbies or bettering myself in general.

My book is pretty much done at this point. Right now all I have to do is proofread, edit, plug the sources in and find out how to self publish it. Also I guess I need to find a pen name. I need a pen name because the content within could legitimately put me in danger. I’m not going to tell you what its about, mostly for fear this could backtrack me and lead to me being murdered, or plug it into this blog once its finished and published.

I keep telling myself the reason I’m not finishing it is out of fear but that should be a reason for not publishing it. Honestly I think I’m just trying to justify my laziness. But I think more than that I’m here at a crossroads. In front of me is the person who I am now, someone I am deeply disappointed by but this stagnation is comforting. And the other path is maybe realizing who I truly am and the fear of that unknown is forcing me even deeper into my stagnation.

My ultimate goal is to write a book and my biggest fear is nothing comes out of it. I’m not noticed, no one ever reads it or cares I exist. And then I’m forced to bury my dream of becoming a successful or otherwise well known writer. That maybe I’ll be forced to stay where I am forever, in a job I hate and never experiencing the things I truly want to. I’ve had these fears for a while.

I’m trying to push myself out of that mindset. To just write for myself because I want to write. But I also want everything that comes with that. I want to visit places, meet new people, fall in love, maybe even move out of my country permanently. Is writing the vehicle that will take me there? Or should I abandon it for more practical ideas and goals? I honestly don’t know. I really wish I did.